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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wwyd? End the friendship or not?

188 replies

Mrswhiskerson · 06/02/2012 13:29

Last year we had a house party for dhs bday , two of our friends (more dhs than mine) got drunk and had a one night stand in our baby's bbedroom (he was out) dh is still fuming about it and he feels it has tainted ds bedroom.
I am furious about it too but feel apart from not speaking to them again it has happened and what can we do? Dh is stewing on it and with his depression things really getto him and it puts him in a foul mood which we get the brunt of,
what would you do? I just wish he would forget about it since there is nothing we can really do about it .

OP posts:

cory · 06/02/2012 22:38

I can't seem to be taking this thread seriously am in two minds about this thread.

otoh I would think it a little rude of guests at a party sneaked into any room that was not part of the public areas- because that is disrespectful of the host and hostess

otoh I don't get the tainting through sex bit

when my dcs were little, the nursery doubled as our guest room, so certainly wouldn't feel the room was tainted if any adult activity took place in there: infact, dh and I have probably made love there too

come to think of it, both our babies spent their first year in our bedroom, the very same room in which they had been conceived- is that disrespectful too? are their teddies and baby blankets and mobiles from the ELC tainted?

TheRhubarb · 06/02/2012 22:43

cory, when you are depressed little things can take on huge significance. We might think it's silly to think of it in this way, but to a depressive, it's a huge violation of privacy and it all gets blown out of all proportion.

I think it's one thing to have invited guests stay over in a bedroom you've made up for them but quite another for two people to sneak into your baby's room to have a quick shag. Not quite the same and I do understand the OP's pov.

Greythorne · 06/02/2012 22:50

I think it is a little ...unconventional....but I would not lose sleep or a friendship over it.

The child was not in the room. Presumably they did not leave baby oil stains (or worse) all over the carpet.

No real harm done.

Sounds like a wild party.

hatesponge · 06/02/2012 22:54

I'd find it hard to get worked up about this tbh. Years ago when DS1 was a baby I had a fairly raucous party at my house. One of my friends (not a close friend tbh, I knew her from school but more of a friend of a friend) shagged her then bf in our bathroom and in DS1's room, presumably on the floor as he was in a cot. Another friend had a ONS at the same party with my then BF's mate in our bed (we were in the guest bedroom that night). Yes I changed the sheets on our bed the next day but it honestly wasn't that big a deal to me at the time, or even now looking back on it.

Possibly I just have low standards...

hatesponge · 06/02/2012 22:55

I should add DS1 was with grandparents, he wasnt actually there at the time!

TheRhubarb · 06/02/2012 22:56

You had a raucous party at your house when your son was a baby and two people shagged in his room when he was in there?
Presumably they were pissed right?
So lots of pissed people in your home with a small baby?

Yup, some people certainly have different standards.

TheRhubarb · 06/02/2012 22:56

Ah right sponge - fucking hell I was wondering about your low standards!

QuintessentialyHollow · 06/02/2012 22:58

I agree with Rhubarb.

I guess your dh is, or at least should be, mostly angry with himself for inviting such a person to his party.

hatesponge · 06/02/2012 23:05

Rhubarb - when I read it back I realise I hadn't made it clear he wasn't there

My standards are low but not quite that low

WorraLiberty · 06/02/2012 23:09

Unless the guy sneaked the alcohol into the woman's drink without her knowledge, he didn't 'get her drunk'.

Original poster

Mrswhiskerson · 06/02/2012 23:16

Personally I couldn't give a fuck if the whole of mumsnet disagreed with me We all have rights to our own opinon and if I am wrong then I will admit it . That is not the issue ,
I was really angry about it and yes it may come across as precious but our ds is precious and it might be nice if people could maybe not leave their bodily fluids on his bedroom floor when they have homes of their own to have sex in.

Like I said they are more dhs friends than mine and it is up to him if he wants to stay friends with them but I did want other peoples opinons on the issue whether they differ from mine or not . I wanted to see what other people would do in this situation. I do not however like the assumptionthat I am no fun or prudish or even worse should happily accept the fact that if I am going to throw a party I should expect people to be randomly shagging others in my ds bedroom. It's not a skins party .

I personally would not have sex in another person childs bedroom and neither would dh and fwiw we both love sex and plenty of it it is a beautiful thing between consenting adults. It's not dirty or wrong but there is a time and a place, if you found out two teachers had been having sex in the reception class on the childrens playmat would you not be a bit .

Dh has asked me if I think he should end the friendship
and I am not sure what to advise, he dwell on things when he is having a bad day and things can seem a lot worse to him than they actuAlly are which puts him in a bad mood and makes him snappy with me. So when he says I think I should end things I am at a loss as to what to suggest becuase he may regret it later. The male friend does seem to be a nice lad on the surface but he doesstupid and sometimes dangerous things witbout thinking of the consequences .

OP posts:

Doodlez · 06/02/2012 23:24

Tell him to end it - regardless of the rights or wrongs of doin' the biz in a child's bedroom, the fact is, the situation is toxic to your DH and his mental state, therefore, cut it out of your lives and be done with it.

WorraLiberty · 06/02/2012 23:24

Whilst it's disrespectful to have sex in someone's house in the way that they did, I still can't get worked up about the fact it was in a bedroom that is normally otherwise occupied by a child.

I don't 'get' that bit?

It was just sex...not like he sprayed sperm everywhere, up the walls and all over the toys.

But as they weren't invited as overnight guests, then I do agree it's disrespectful.

emsyj · 06/02/2012 23:40

OK, well if you want to know what other people would do, I'll start with me and put my further two penn'orth in:

Good friends with no previous form for behaving like idiots at parties did this and were embarrassed and apologetic afterwards = no problem for me, would get over it pretty quickly.

Good friends with previous form for behaving like idiots = would expect a bit more of an apology and would probably give them a piece of my mind about needing to behave like a grown-up at a grown-up party, which does not involve sneaking upstairs for a sly shag.

Not very close friends = would assume they were really not my kinda people and would probably say nothing, but not seek to encourage/continue the friendship (would not repeat the invitation in future).

HTH

Original poster

Mrswhiskerson · 07/02/2012 00:06

rhubarb no one was invited to stay apart from my best friend who wanted to sleep on the couch rather than the floor , so because the rooms were not being used we put anything of value upstairs to clear floor.
We did also make it clear no one was to go upstairs there is no need anyway as the bathroom is Down stairs.

Btw my previous post was in resonse to a couple f posters not everyone on the thread, I realised I did not put any names at the begining I realise it could come across as a angry post toeveryone it's not It just pisses me off when posters put words in your mouth.

It isn't until recently we discovered how bad a friend he actually is , he is one of those people who can charm his way out of anything and make you feel sorry for him or believe his apologies mean anything when all he is doing is saving his own skin ,I think the tainted thing is because he knows us well enough to know we would hate it but he did it anyway . The girl I feel I can't be as angry with as she is heading down a really bad path (lots of other things I won't into)

most people had left by eleven , work ,babysitters etc so it wasn't even a wild party , if I were going to have a wild party believe me I would not host it in my house (I learnt the hard way when I was twenty two and had my first housewarming)

OP posts:

DizzyDizzyDinosaur · 07/02/2012 00:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Mrswhiskerson · 07/02/2012 00:19

I think it is a good idea redoing his room , it is a big thing to dh like other people have said when you are depressed small things can be huge and redecorating might help him get over it.

I do also think it would be best for him not to be friends with these people or at least keep a distance while he is getting counselling .

OP posts:

workedoutforthebest · 07/02/2012 00:29

I had sex on my granny's carpet

apologies · 07/02/2012 00:31

Truly astounding - within 3 posts of the OP's return the oh so reasonable sounding Rhubarb has accused the male protagonist of rape! Utterly foul and I do wonder if that's some sort of record even for MN.
*namechange

apologies · 07/02/2012 00:33

Also "tell your DH to ditch him"?!?!! Why on earth do we feel it's ok to dictate to husbands who their friends can be? Would we allow the same censoring of who a woman can and cannot see?

workedoutforthebest · 07/02/2012 00:47

Hey OP, it seems that perhaps the fact that your husband is dwelling on it shows that he is depressed. I am not saying that what his 'd' friends' did was not out of order but, presumably, your baby has slept in that room since?

To be honest, I would have been more upset had they have slept in an older child's bed and I would have asked demanded that they replace duvets etc. Yes, I guess it has tainted your son's room but your son is non the wiser. I think what I am trying to say is that it has changed your husband's view of his friends. And even if he doesn't speak to them again, your child's room will still be forever tainted.

workedoutforthebest · 07/02/2012 00:50

Mrswhiskerson I think the 'shaggers' should put brush to paint and redecorate child's room.

DizzyDizzyDinosaur · 07/02/2012 00:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Mrswhiskerson · 07/02/2012 01:52

I had avoided giving him an answer as I think he should make that decision when he is better and I certainly do not want to dictate who he can be friends with , it rings true that he should avoid them for a while as the situation is not doing dh any good and although I am not to keen on his mate I only know the party animal numty side of him I think dh knows a lot more about him and his ways ,dh has been the one person this mate can be himself with and dh thinks (when he is not down or angry ) that there is a deeper more sensitive person buried underneath (we have discussed this further tonight )
I do not know this side and can only really judge on what I know of him so feel I can't advise dh to dump him.

I know there are a few people on this thread who have had experiance with depression and I would like to know if anyone could advise on how to respond when dh has these episodes of dwelling on small things ?

OP posts:

Original poster

Mrswhiskerson · 07/02/2012 02:06

I think getting them to redecorate ds room is a fab idea , they can start with a a New carpet we pretty much scrubbed a hole in the old one . I will be there to watch over proceedings with my hose (in case they start getting frisky over the tins of paint)

OP posts:

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