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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wwyd? End the friendship or not?

188 replies

Mrswhiskerson · 06/02/2012 13:29

Last year we had a house party for dhs bday , two of our friends (more dhs than mine) got drunk and had a one night stand in our baby's bbedroom (he was out) dh is still fuming about it and he feels it has tainted ds bedroom.
I am furious about it too but feel apart from not speaking to them again it has happened and what can we do? Dh is stewing on it and with his depression things really getto him and it puts him in a foul mood which we get the brunt of,
what would you do? I just wish he would forget about it since there is nothing we can really do about it .

OP posts:
TheRhubarb · 06/02/2012 14:38

OP, if your dh has depression then seemingly trivial things can set that depression off. Sometimes with me it's a Mumsnet thread that stays with me all day (which is why Mumsnet is sometimes more of a curse) or something that someone said in passing that I've over analysed.

He obviously feels strongly that his two friends have overstepped the mark. Perhaps there is some history there? You need to sit down with him and talk about it, listen to his pov and don't try to make him feel as though he is silly or over-reacting. Take his concerns seriously and you are halfway to making him feel better about it.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/02/2012 14:38

Rhubarb - it does not say in the OP that they had sex in the baby's bed - you need to stop repeating that as if it's an established fact when it isn't.

Having a one night stand in the OP's house is a bit disrespectful, as is going into any of the bedrooms without permission (being at a party means using what could be termed the 'public' rooms - lounge, dining room, kitchen, garden and bathroom, not the bedrooms, which I would assume to be more private, except for putting coats in one) but I cannot see that the baby's room has been 'soiled' - that does seem over-dramatic to me.

Sex isn't (or shouldn't be) intrinsically 'dirty' - after all, let's not forget that, the OP and her OH did have sex in order to create this baby whose room has been 'soiled'.

Pseudo341 · 06/02/2012 14:38

I'm curious to know whether the "chill out" crowd would think it was okay of the pair had had sex in the master bedroom instead, in OPs bed. How about the bedroom of a teenage child? Think back to your 13 year old self and imagine you've just found out that 2 adults have been shagging in your bed, do you think you might be a little bit upset about it? Does the fact that the kid's presumably too young to understand change it that much? It's a violation of personal space and I'd be pretty angry about it, probably wouldn't invite them round again in case of more inappropriate behaviour, which makes a friendship rather hard to maintain. To still be a stewing over it a year later though is odd and a bit worrying, I think DP needs to find a way to move on from this.

valiumredhead · 06/02/2012 14:39

It WASN'T a child's party it was the OP's dh's.

Haziedoll · 06/02/2012 14:39

Rhubarb, your attitude is completely normal. I don't know anyone in RL over the age of 25 who wouldn't share your view.

valiumredhead · 06/02/2012 14:40

Would shagging in the loo have been ok? Wink

TheRhubarb · 06/02/2012 14:40

valium, when people try to make me feel stupid or silly over something that I feel, then yes I do take it seriously and you did make me feel very angry. I felt you were belittling me and others making remarks about me didn't help. I felt it was uncalled for and very judgemental. I shall now get over myself thanks.

emsyj · 06/02/2012 14:40

But there is a huge difference between what you describe TheRhubarb and what happened here: I am confident that, if a drunk adult snuck into my house and went into my 1 year old baby's room and tried to pick her up, kicking that person downstairs and deleting them from my life would be at the conservative end of what my reaction would be. But here, the child wasn't there, it was just an empty room.

I'm not quite with the 'ooh it must have been a great party, what a larff' brigade, I do think an apology from the guests is warranted, but I don't think I would lose a good friendship over it. A distantish/not close friend I would perhaps lose though - I would think it was an inappropriate way to behave, which would tend to make me think they weren't people I would want to get to know better and make an effort to keep in my life. I generally think one night stands are a bit icky. Perhaps I am Victorian too?

Ragwort · 06/02/2012 14:40

I still want to know how the Op found out?

Our God-child was conceived in our house (in the spare bedroom) Grin - my friends happily told me about it.

valiumredhead · 06/02/2012 14:41

rhubarb I was NOT trying to make you feel silly or stupid.

valiumredhead · 06/02/2012 14:41

ragwort Grin

patsdeadfrank · 06/02/2012 14:44

the whole point of asking if yabu is to maybe get a different perspective, the op now does. as rhubarb and others have shown different people have different lvls of what is acceptable etc.
a few have said that it is a major over reaction and a few have said not. so perhaps unless you stuck signs saying please do not have sex in our house it is wrong to assume that everyone has the same moral compass as you guys and give them the benefit of the doubt and that if you say to them that you are both a bit miffed about it they will be suitably mortified if not about what they did, that they upset you.
i know as a friend i would be really upset to know i had upset some one i cared about especially if i didnt realise it was a problem.

TheRhubarb · 06/02/2012 14:45

SDTG - yes what would make me mad is that they had no reason to enter any of the bedrooms and no permission to do so. The fact that it was a party to celebrate an adults birthday does not mean they can use the house as their personal knocking shop.

I am assuming they had sex in a bed in the baby's room and this is not a fact no, but as we don't know the age of the child it was just an assumption I made, why else go into that room if there isn't even a bed? Why choose a baby's bedroom to have sex in?
It is a violation of privacy in my mind and nothing to do with thinking that sex is dirty, that's adding together 2 plus 2 and coming out with 5.

I don't think it's acceptable for 2 strangers to take advantage of their hosts and shag in their baby's bedroom. I would feel very angry about that. If that makes me frigid then some people need to address the issues surrounding their presumptive and judgemental nature.

TheRhubarb · 06/02/2012 14:45

thank you valium.

lubeybooby · 06/02/2012 14:46

Jeez, it's only sex. A lovely, joyful act.

They didn't murder anyone.

valiumredhead · 06/02/2012 14:46

They WEREN'T strangers they were friends.

DizzyDizzyDinosaur · 06/02/2012 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 06/02/2012 14:47

I suppose it's a bit icky and desperado...and would make me go Hmm and mutter under my breath a bit.

I certainly wouldn't fall out with said friends over it though. Your dh is totally overreacting.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/02/2012 14:48

Rhubarb - I too would be angry at the invasion of privacy and the lack of respect, but I wouldn't see it as 'soiling' the room. If the friendship was strong and supportive in other ways, I don't think I'd end it over just that incident either - but I might well tell the people that I was cross at what they had done and that using any of the bedrooms without permission is disrespectful and that an apology is called for.

valiumredhead · 06/02/2012 14:49

The fact it is a child's bedroom is neither here nor there imo, but it obviously seems to be a big thing to others.

TheRhubarb · 06/02/2012 14:52

Ok, so those who think it's ok. If you were at a friend's house for a birthday party and you felt a bit horny, would you think it would be ok to pop upstairs and have a quick shag in the bedroom of one of their children?

And yes in this case it is a shag as these people were just friends of her dh's, I get the impression they were not an item and not in love, so they weren't having loving and intimate relations, they were having a quick lustful shag.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 06/02/2012 14:55

I'd be pissed off if I'm honest but I do think your DH is overreacting a lot tad.

A NYE party I went to as a teenager ended with the host (girl, about 18) going mad because she'd found 3 people shagging in her baby brother's bedroom. A used condom was in his cot and there was a damp smelly patch on pile of his cuddly toys. In those circumstances I'd have gone apeshit too! I heard her mum and dad were very upset.

valiumredhead · 06/02/2012 14:55

Tbh it depends on what sort of party it was and how much I'd had to drink.

Lustful shag or intimate relations ( now I am REALLY trying not to giggle! Blush is neither here nor there.

valiumredhead · 06/02/2012 14:57

desperate I would have gone apeshit too - leaving bodily fluids around is not on.

Laquitar · 06/02/2012 14:57

Is your house a new built?

If no, then it has seen worse Grin

But since your dh suffers from depression maybe he can not shake the thought. Would it help if you paint the room? If he is religious could you do a room blessing?