Wwyd? End the friendship or not?

[Mrswhiskerson]

Last year we had a house party for dhs bday , two of our friends (more dhs than mine) got drunk and had a one night stand in our baby's bbedroom (he was out) dh is still fuming about it and he feels it has tainted ds bedroom.
I am furious about it too but feel apart from not speaking to them again it has happened and what can we do? Dh is stewing on it and with his depression things really getto him and it puts him in a foul mood which we get the brunt of,
what would you do? I just wish he would forget about it since there is nothing we can really do about it .

Unless the house is a new build i am guessing there is every chance someone has already 'soiled' the room.

OP hasn't said it's been a year since the party, she said last year, which could mean just six weeks ago. Still a long time to stew over it and have her bear the brunt of his moods but she also says that her DH is depressed and this causes him to stew on things that others, OP and many people here included, can more easily let go.

It is IMO an overreaction if he decides never to speak to these people again. However I do understand why he might be upset that two people he trusted chose his baby sons bedroom to sneak off and have sex in, especially if the son is a very young PFB.

I wouldn't want to lose friends over it but I think I'd rather they chose my bedroom rather than my child's bedroom if they really couldn't control themselves.

OP would he have felt differently had the guests been a couple invited to spend the night and given the room to stay in?

It's a bit grim certainly they chose the baby's room but maybe you can persuade your husband that stewing on it is not a healthy response for him or you and maybe he needs more help with his depressive tendencies.

It's lacking a little in class but if they were actual friends of mine I would probably find it very amusing ammunition with which to rib them mercilessly over the next several decades.

If they were the obligatory optional extras that always seem to make an appearance at parties I'd probably be a bit pissed off but I certainly wouldn't consider the room soiled, just that the individuals were a bit lacking in manners.

I don't understand what difference the room makes. What is inherently filthy about doing it in a room a baby sleeps in as opposed to any other room?
I wouldn't be too impressed if anyone snuck off to shag in any room in my house, it makes no difference that a baby sleeps in it.

Which is why I asked if shagging in the loo would be ok paranoid, but no one answered

I don't think he should be taking it out on you. You haven't done anything wrong. Next time he starts tell him to stop moaning at you. Sounds as though he needs to get help with his depression.

Is it okay to get pissed and have a quickie in your own DC's bedroom? (if they are "out")

Do you HAVE to be pissed?

ParanoidAndroid - I wouldn't really want people, friends or not, sneaking off to any room either and I don't know why it would bother me more if the room they chose was my sons room. But I think it would.

I think DizzyDinosaur has explained it quite well for me. The bedrooms are private but I'd feel more protective over my sons room than mine, and more protective of my room than the bathroom, which is a place you would expect guests to use.

The sneaking also has something to do with it. If I invited guests to spend the night and put a couple in my sons room to sleep I wouldn't be too surprised if they had sex in it. But finding out a couple of single friends, not invited to spend the night and not given the room to stay in, had been sneaking off for a quickie in there would be different.

Sex IS a joyful act. I said nothing in my earlier post about it being loving. Of course it is between couples, but couple or not, lustful consentual sex is a nice thing.

My point is there a far worse things to 'taint' a room! Like violent or negative things like arguing or fighting.

Sex is lovely and natural and a lot of attitudes on this thread would indicate that people still think it's dirty or bad. It's not. Even if the people are horror not a couple.

I would probably roll my eyes a bit at the drunkeness of them but I wouldn't think the room was now tainted or dirty somehow.

Guess it depends who you are shagging valiumredhead.....

I've had sex on my kitchen table. I still manage to sit and eat breakfast off it every day.

Slightly off topic but some people seem to be saying they don't shag even when staying as overnight guests with their own room. That is uptight IMO, I would be kinda expecting it tbh.

Back to the OP, they were BU to shag in in your house, especially in a bedroom, even more if they left bodily fluids around. The fact is is the baby's bedroom is immaterial IMO.

Your DH is BU to be still upset about it and to be taking it out on you. YWBU to cut friends off for this unless they are not good friends.

Yes 3. It was indeed some party It was also quite possibly the last party the host ever had. poor girl!

Are we not supposed to shag when guests in others houses either?! Whoops!

Dizzy has explained it well. Bedrooms are private and usually out of bounds at parties - this was hardly a teenage party was it? Your bedroom is your domain and I'd feel very protective about my room and wouldn't want guests thinking they can just use it to have a quick shag in - my childrens bedrooms I'd be even more protective over and would be mortified if party guests felt it was ok to have a shag in any of my childrens rooms, baby or not. It is out of order and extremely disrespectful.

No-one has said that sex is dirty or bad lubey, that is your own projection. People seem to assume that if others have different standards that they are somehow not 'normal' and must therefore have a problem with sex. This is ludicrous of course.

If I had guests staying in a spare room then I wouldn't be as bothered if they had sex, that's their business. If you invite them to stay overnight then you can't impose celibacy on them can you? But these were just party guests who had no right to be sneaking off to shag in a child's bedroom.

And for the record, no I wouldn't shag as a guest in someone else's house. Probably for fear of being overheard and just my general paranoia. It wouldn't seem right somehow to shag in someone else's bed. Again though, that's just my feeling and not an indication of how I view sex as a whole. I'm obviously just a married prude whose 2 kids were conceived by divine intervention and dh and I sleep in separate beds

I don't think it's about thinking sex is dirty for the people on this thread, just that there is a difference between guests having sex in a room they have been invited to spend the night in and drunken friends sneaking about the house to find a room they think is going spare.

Rhubarb is right, people have different ideas on what is and isn't acceptable in their own home. There are loads of threads on here about taking off shoes in other peoples houses, or not liking people to use their toilet/not wanting to use someone else's toilet. Or people walking in without knocking or visiting without calling first etc.

I'd say being upset about your friends have sneaking off to have sex in your baby's bedroom is far more reasonable than being upset about someone asking to go to your toilet and it doesn't mean you are repressed or Victorian or feel that sex is dirty or shameful in any way.

I have not read the whole thread yet just finished work so here is more info
dh does tend to dwell on things whilst he is down , I was wondering how to get him past this incident.

we had a house party a few months back , I thought I heard noises but being quite drunk dismissed it and fell into bed.

The friends had sex on my baby's bedroom floor called a cab and went their sperate ways.
oNe of them aplogised to dh but he is constantly bedding random women then pretending to be sorry so his next conquest doesn't find out.
He did not apologise to me neither did the girl involved.

Dh gets annoyed with me because I heard noises but did not go In so he thinks I am partly to blame (like I say I was very drunk and tired wasn't sure if I heard right)

I was furious and expected an apology both of them

Oh and to the posters who think we are being precious .
They had sex on my baby's bedroom floor (or god knows where) amongst his lovely toys teddies and baby things it is in my eyes fucking disgusting it's a baby's nursery not a rent by the hour hotel .

And to the poster who thinks i am stopping people having fun at my parties I would like to say this, we are all around thirty ie supposedly responsible adults , yes have a drink and a laugh but do not fuck on my baby's bedroom floor that is taking the whole fun thing a bit too far , maybe I should point the couple in your direction ?

Fwiw the male friend is not the type of friend I think dh should have, he is the type of person to feed drunk people so
much alcohol they pass out or end up in hospital while staying sober himself he is also a cheat and a trouble maker . I would not however dictate who dh should be friends with.

and the bathroom is downstairs so there is no needto go upstairs at all.

hmmmmm ok so you have a very clear opinion. what exactly is it you are asking if you are being UR or did you just want everyone to agree with you?

Well your position appears to be that you (a) don't want anything further to do with the two people involved, which is your call and (b) have a problem in that your DH is blaming you, which is unreasonable.

I would focus on (b), which isn't really dealt with on this thread as people have dealt with the issue that formed the main thrust (pardon the word choice..) of your OP. Maybe you'd be better off asking about your relationship in Relationships and/or depression in Health?

My DH has suffered with anxiety on and off to varying degrees and has had some CBT to a little effect, although I think the key thing that has helped him is finding a hobby he enjoys and making time to pursue it. Does your DH have any interests outside work/family? It might be good for him to have another focus and a way of switching off. DH does horse riding, which gets him out and about in the fresh air, meeting new folk at the stable yard and some exercise, which I think does seem to help his state of mind.

OP, can I just ask then, were the guests invited to stay over?
As you said you were half asleep so had presumably gone to bed? Therefore did you know these friends were staying over? Or was it that kind of party were people fall asleep wherever they happen to find themselves?

I would firstly call the female friend to find out if she was ok. If he has a habit of getting women drunk to have sex with them then he is obviously a complete and utter bastard and you need to find out if she had consented. I could be completely and utterly wrong here, but it's well worth giving her a call to find out.

I share your anger but feel that if you allowed these very drunk people to sleep in your house then you must be prepared for the fact that they might vomit/shag/pass out etc. Having said that, it is unacceptable even if you had granted them the couch to pass out on, to sneak to your baby's room for a shag amongst his toys and things. Perhaps next time you should make it clear to guests that you expect them to make their own way home after the party and should perhaps stay up until the last one leaves?

As to your dh. As a depression victim myself I know how easily these things can get on top of you. I would sit him down and talk about what happened, let him get it all off his chest. He may have other reasons to feel like he does - perhaps he feels that his friend took advantage of the woman? Or perhaps he himself has issues surrounding sex? Or feels that his friend has crossed a personal line from which there is no return? Whatever he feels, encourage him to talk about it. Then plan some action i.e. calling female friend to find out if she is ok, then telling both parties that what they did was unacceptable, disrespectful and that they are not welcome to enter your home again. Hopefully doing that will provide some closure for your dh.

You could also buy new sheets for your baby's bed and some new toys so that your dh feels a little better about his room?

When you are depressed the smallest things can set you off but just feeling that you are being listened to, that you are being taken seriously and your feelings are being respected can make a huge difference. My biggest fear is being laughed at and told that I am silly/stupid/childish. What may seem trivial to one person however is a big deal for another. So talk to him and you may find that this helps enormously.