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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DH to ask his dad if he would consider lending us some money so we can afford the deposit on a house...?

276 replies

josben · 05/02/2012 21:42

hi, just wanted a general opinion on this... we are currently between houses (staying with my mum) and we probably need to borrow an extra £5,000 to afford a 4 bed house that we have seen in the town where we live.

But having paid off debts and moving expenses we are roughly £5,000 short of being able to afford a house we want... But DH does not want to ask his dad, and I can't ask my mum as she has no spare money...

I would rather not have to do it but if we don't I feel we will never find a house... we have been looking for 6 months!

We have never asked for or have been given any money from his dad before ...

OP posts:
ObviouslyOblivious · 06/02/2012 12:52

That's a deposit btw, probably covered about a third of the property value!

lesley33 · 06/02/2012 13:15

I would be jealous too tbh.

My family are poor so I have never had any help. They would help if we didn't have enough food to eat, or were going to get our gas cut off for example. But a contribution towards buying a house would never happen.

HoneyandHaycorns · 06/02/2012 13:20

My dd did contribute 2p towards the cost of our house when she was 3. So I guess DH and I can't complain that we didn't have any help! We didn't even have to ask, she just volunteered it after hearing us talk to the mortgage broker. Grin

HoneyandHaycorns · 06/02/2012 13:22

On a slightly more serious note, I think the OP would be obliged to tell the mortgage company if she was borrowing from FIL, no? Not that they'd be likely to find out...

redexpat · 06/02/2012 13:31

YANBU to ask. I know LOADS of people who got help from their parents! Just make sure that you can pay it back.

pranma · 06/02/2012 13:35

From a parent's pov-my dh and I have 5 dc between us and all are now homeowners [aged between 37 and 42 but all been ho for at least 10 years.
Ds1-his dw was from a wealthy family who bought her a flat for her 21st-that financed first marital home.
Ds2-he lives in Turkey and his m-i-l gave them deposit when her dh died
Ds3-his dw had a council flat with right to purchase-they did and when they sold that gave them deposit.
Dd1 -currently renting in Canada but had own home in uk for which she saved small deposit herself,we gave her £1000 and her p-i-l gave her £1000.It was enough back in 1998.
Dd2-used her inheritance from her df[my late dh] plus some from her dgm.When she married her dh also had capital from doing up and reselling a house.
I'm not sure young people today can easily raise a decent deposit.OP appears tp BU but she hasn't said how much she and her dh have already for this deposit.The 5000 cant be all of it.I'll go against the majority and say why not ask f-i-l yourself OP-he can only say no.

IDoNotLIKEFun · 06/02/2012 13:39

OO, 125K given as a deposit?

Bloody hell.

YANBU to be envious.

YouOldSlag · 06/02/2012 13:41

lesley33- same boat as you. My parents wouldn't see us go under but buying a house and getting started in life was our own job. No spare money to hand out.

They helped us through uni a bit (I had a grant), but the ethic in our family is we'll give you the tools, but you have to build your own life.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 06/02/2012 13:43

I don't think you should pressurise your DH into asking his father for money, that is really unfair of you. You've said that your DH and his sister were raised to look after themselves so it sounds to me like the request wouldn't go down well and/or your DH would feel very uncomfortable about it. Why make him do it under those circumstances!

Mixing family and money on loan isn't a good idea unless perhaps if the money were offered. If he hasn't offered then you may need to accept that your children will have to share a room for a while, shock horror!

Agincourt · 06/02/2012 13:50

If you are crap with money and have been unable to save whilst living with your mum with minimal cost I would advise you against borrowing the full amount ona mortgage at the top of you earning cap, it's dangerous. It really doesn't matter if the children have to share bedrooms.

Fluffy1234 · 06/02/2012 14:22

why not look at three bedroom houses that have potential for a loft conversion in the future.

Takeresponsibility · 06/02/2012 15:59

For me the crux of the matter re parental help is here (from OP) "My father in law, would be able to aford it i think,, but DH and his sister have been brought to stand on their own two feet so never ask for anything..."

If you are not absolutely sure that your parents or pil could absolutely afford to lend you the money then you should not ask. Mine would have given me the shirt of their backs and run around freezing to help me, which is exactly why you shouldn't put them in that position.

Butkin · 06/02/2012 16:06

Not really commenting on OP's specific situation but we received some money from both sets of parents when putting down the deposit on our house. They didn't want to see us lumbered with a huge mortgage as we started married life.

If DD wanted some financial help buying her first house then of course we'd give her some. Isn't that what most parents would do as you can't take it with you and she'd only inherit it anyway (plus it is more tax efficient to give it to them well before you die).

YouOldSlag · 06/02/2012 16:12

Butkin- but a lot of parents can't afford it without affecting their own quality of life. My Dad is not rich but has never been in debt and budgets well. He would only be able to give us capital if he re mortgaged or sold his own house. I wouldn't dream of asking him.

If parents have spare money, then fine, but many, many parents don't.

Besides, I think since my parents gave me their twenties,thirties, and forties, they should be able to enjoy their fifties and sixties without handing out dosh to their grown up kids.

If you have it and you want to, fine, but I hope your children really appreciate your generosity as the alternative is very tough! They are seriously lucky.

However, I agree with my parents way and will probably bring my kids up the same way.

HoneyandHaycorns · 06/02/2012 16:18

Besides, I think since my parents gave me their twenties,thirties, and forties, they should be able to enjoy their fifties and sixties without handing out dosh to their grown up kids.

yy, I agree. My parents went without for decades so that we could have the benefit of opportunities that they never had themselves. If they have a little spare money now, I would really like them to spend it on themselves so that they finally get the chance to relax and enjoy life a little!

They are generous, yes, and would never see us go without the essentials. But we're adults now, and we can look after the luxuries for ourselves.

ComposHat · 06/02/2012 16:31

Isn't that what most parents would do as you can't take it with you and she'd only inherit it anyway (plus it is more tax efficient to give it to them well before you die)

Not mine, they retired early and are using their savings to piss off to Australia for a few months and get their house refurbed. I don't blame them at all, it is their money and I hope they enjoy spending it.

It wouldn't have crossed my mind to ask and it was only when friends sheepishly admitted that their parents had paid for their wedding/put whacking great deposits down for them that I'd realised how common it was.

We will be renting for the forseable future and our wedding will be an extremely modest affair, paid for by us. I would rather have it that way, rather than having it handed out to me by my parents.

lesley33 · 06/02/2012 16:35

butkin - Sounds like your parents are pretty well off if it is more tax efficient for them to give away money before they die. But most people don't pay inheritance tax, so most people are not as well off as your parents. That does affect what people are prepared to ask from their parents.

gutzgutz · 06/02/2012 16:56

I would ask. Offer to put it as a second charge on the property if your bank consents, or get a proper loan agreement drawn up. Ok, second charge may be meaningless if u are planning to stay in house 25 years as fil will most likely be dead but it shows u are not just expecting a handout.

I was lucky to have handouts both to help towards a deposit and for home improvements and I hope I can do the same for my children. As someone said, if fil just has money sitting there then why not?

Having said that, due to not overextending ourselves with a mortgage, we can live on 1 salary while my husband re-trains and if I get made redundant we will be able to cope on savings for a short while so that should also be a consideration.

Agincourt · 06/02/2012 17:01

I agree with compo and lesley too. We have never had any financial handouts off our parents and neither would be able to afford to help us out financially either.

higamoushogamous · 06/02/2012 17:03

I think you should ask -if you buy a cheaper, smaller, house now it will cost you loads to move to a bigger one later in Stamp Duty, estate agents fees etc.

YouOldSlag · 06/02/2012 19:14

higamous- but that's not FIL's problem. If they can't afford a bigger house, they can't afford a bigger house.

Anyway, I reckon if FIL did have a spare 5k and wanted to gift it or lend it the OP, he would have offered by now.

ComposHat · 06/02/2012 19:58

I agree with what youoldslag said.

Felt very rude typing that.

YouOldSlag · 06/02/2012 20:14

Compo- I don't mind! Smile

higamoushogamous · 06/02/2012 22:40

Well, parents don't always notice these things. I wouldn't have a clue about this sort of thing if my son was in a similar situation and would need to be asked. I might say yes, or I might say no depending on the circumstances but I would not be offended, just another option for them to explore.

Mimishimi · 07/02/2012 01:10

I just wanted to add, in response to a PP, that my husband is from a culture where buying a big house with extended family is quite common. The norm actually. However, the expectations are different. It's not like borrowing money from a parent and never really intending, or being able, to pay it back. It works like this - family X consists of three brothers, their parents and their wives. All are reasonably well-qualified or have their own business. Most of the adults will be working fulltime. They all buy a McMansion type house together and all live in it together - elderly parents get looked after - kids get free childcare from grandparents or one wife who stays at home and looks after the family doing grocery shopping, cooking etc - they might also get a domestic servant from their home country who is brought in on a relative's visa (to be fair, they usually are a relative). As they prosper, then they might start buying other houses in the vicinity. The concept of children having their own room is very rare. All the girls are piled up into one room, the boys in another or, if the kids are little, each family sleeps in the same room eg main bedroom has largest family, bedroom 2 next largest and so on. They are not borrowing money off each other, they are pooling their resources so that they don't have to individually pay mountains of interest to someone else. They will very, very rarely borrow large sums of money from traditional banks or from others. Nearly everything is outright paid for and if they can't afford to do that, they wait until they can.