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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DH to ask his dad if he would consider lending us some money so we can afford the deposit on a house...?

276 replies

josben · 05/02/2012 21:42

hi, just wanted a general opinion on this... we are currently between houses (staying with my mum) and we probably need to borrow an extra £5,000 to afford a 4 bed house that we have seen in the town where we live.

But having paid off debts and moving expenses we are roughly £5,000 short of being able to afford a house we want... But DH does not want to ask his dad, and I can't ask my mum as she has no spare money...

I would rather not have to do it but if we don't I feel we will never find a house... we have been looking for 6 months!

We have never asked for or have been given any money from his dad before ...

OP posts:
QuintessentialyHollow · 06/02/2012 11:29

I would also help my children, but not if they were feckless....

noddyholder · 06/02/2012 11:30

Yes I think giving to someone who is already doing all they can is different.

Heswall · 06/02/2012 11:38

If you can it's great, I wouldn't think any less of a parent who genuinely couldn't but seriously this is why some sections of society do so much better than others they help out family.
I was an estate agent stop booing in a summer holiday job between A'Levels and university in Walsall. Lots of the people buying huge houses with 5 bedrooms were extended families and they would club together £90k in cash and then pay each other back, another £90k house would then be bought because they saved a fortune in interest.
I can only hope we could offer our DC's the same level of support.

ComposHat · 06/02/2012 11:42

op noisy neighbours aside, I presume that you were fine in your other, smaller house. Why not look for similar using the money you've got from the sale of your previous property or if you must have four bedrooms, rent and invest the money you've made from the sale of your house elsewhere.

I don't think anyone is entitled to help from parents, but when people have had help from parents, it is usually to buy their first home, not as an ongoing thing everytime they fancy a leg up the property ladder.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 06/02/2012 11:46

but when people have had help from parents, it is usually to buy their first home, not as an ongoing thing everytime they fancy a leg up the property ladder.

Good point!

Hullygully · 06/02/2012 11:57

In my family we all help each other as much as we can no matter our age etc. It is the norm in most cultures.

lesley33 · 06/02/2012 11:59

Yes it is. But in the UK not so much.

Heswall · 06/02/2012 12:02

The UK has become every man for themselves and I didn't get any help so why should you attitude if you ask me. Everyone is worse off as a result.

IDoNotLIKEFun · 06/02/2012 12:02

I should imagine OP's council tax is also covered by the £50 p.w utility-inclusive deal as her mum will not be entitled to the single-person's discount while the family is living there. Well you'd hope that was all above-board and declared etc

My parents helped me. Not to buy a house, but when interest-rates shot up in the 90's, marriage broke up and it took a year to sell. My Dad would give me a tenner for food every few weeks. I paid every penny back with interest from the equity and more on top out of gratitude.

When is FIL likely to see his £5K? IF by some amazing chance that you can budget to afford mortgage-repayments, IF interest rates stay the same, IF no redundancies or ill-health befall you, it'll be all tied up in your forever home and he has little chance of getting it back.

And no, I don't know a single person who has had help to buy property.

lesley33 · 06/02/2012 12:04

Heswall - I agree - and then the state is expected to pick up the pieces

Hullygully · 06/02/2012 12:04

I'm in the uk, btw

IDoNotLIKEFun · 06/02/2012 12:10

Hully I agree, we help regardless of age but also according to our means. That can mean very different things depending on income. My parents benefited from right-to-buy and moved twice up the housing ladder, Dad blagged clawed his way from the East End school-leaver aged fourteen to the dizzying heights of (just) being a HR tax-payer in the three-bed house and has done well.

Sadly, the equity he may have had in his house has gone and more besides, due to unforeseen circumstances and an equity-release scheme Hmm. I have no "expectations" as they used to say Grin

HoneyandHaycorns · 06/02/2012 12:11

We don't earn mega salaries at all, I wonder what some people do with their money

I pay off my mortgage. Grin Nice, big overpayments each year. And when it's paid off, then I might spend £5000 on a holiday, but not before!

Hullygully · 06/02/2012 12:11

yy

From each

To each

IDoNotLIKEFun · 06/02/2012 12:13

Neither do I and "expectations" sounds like something the IPOAT might say. So much nicer than, "entitlement" Wink

BIWI · 06/02/2012 12:19

Hully - in this instance I think you need to rtft

It's not about helping one's child/ren, more about fiscal responsibility on the part of the OP and her future plans.

Hullygully · 06/02/2012 12:24

yes, but I'm not interested in that BIWI, I've moved on.

bigkidsdidit · 06/02/2012 12:29

My dad's just given me and my sister deposits to buy our first houses (my sis, my DH and DS and I all lived together in a jolly house share until this year). I thought it was normal to get help from your parents, if they had the money. Why all the hand wringing about standing on your own two feet? Talk about cutting off your nose.

Heswall · 06/02/2012 12:33

So there we have it, the OP didn't get help to get on the ladder, she would now like the help to go up the ladder.
I declare she can indeed ask and keep her fingers crossed.
Next.

lesley33 · 06/02/2012 12:37

Heswall - The issues isn't about whether it is ok for parents to help out. The issues is that the OP wants to pressurise her reluctant DP to ask his father for money. Attitudes to giving money vary depending on families, so while some parents might be fine and welcome theirr dcs asking, others won't. And if her DP is very reluctant to, then no I don't think she should make him ask.

bigkids - Seems common in some circles and in some very uncommon.

Heswall · 06/02/2012 12:39

The Op has actually become completely lost on most of us sorry Blush

HoneyandHaycorns · 06/02/2012 12:44

I wonder if it's partly an age thing? I genuinely don't think many people of my age ever expected to get help from their parents to buy a house, and I don't think those of my parents' generation expected to give such help. But perhaps for people who are ten years or so younger, it might have become the norm?

My parents have always been very generous, but I don't think it would have occurred to them to offer money to us for the house, and it never occurred to me to ask.

YouOldSlag · 06/02/2012 12:46

Speak for yourself Heswall, I managed to follow it.

Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 06/02/2012 12:46

I don't think there's any harm in asking, but be prepared for a "no"

we've helped my step-son and he is paying us back (albeit slowly)

However me and my DH have managed to work our way up the property ladder on our own and I do have 3 boys in one room so I'm afraid the one bedroom for each child doesn't wash with me.

ObviouslyOblivious · 06/02/2012 12:51

My friends have just been given £125k by their parents/PILs to buy their first house. I know it makes me a bad person, but I'm very jealous :(