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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DH to ask his dad if he would consider lending us some money so we can afford the deposit on a house...?

276 replies

josben · 05/02/2012 21:42

hi, just wanted a general opinion on this... we are currently between houses (staying with my mum) and we probably need to borrow an extra £5,000 to afford a 4 bed house that we have seen in the town where we live.

But having paid off debts and moving expenses we are roughly £5,000 short of being able to afford a house we want... But DH does not want to ask his dad, and I can't ask my mum as she has no spare money...

I would rather not have to do it but if we don't I feel we will never find a house... we have been looking for 6 months!

We have never asked for or have been given any money from his dad before ...

OP posts:
PigletUnrepentant · 07/02/2012 01:31

[whispers] I confess I got help from my parents, but now that I am paying the monthly payments of the maximum mortgage I could get, returning that money to my parents is an absolute struggle.

Before I got that mortgage I could have paid them back in about 6 months. Now I'm calculating about 2 years, even when I have reduced expenses a lot. I have no other debts, and I am very organised with money. but still it's a struggle. If mortgage providers tell you you can't afford something is for a good reason.

YouOldSlag · 07/02/2012 07:29

Agree with Piglet. If OP is overstretched on mortgage, she will not have anything left to pay FIL back.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 07/02/2012 13:44

Butkin Not really commenting on OP's specific situation but we received some money from both sets of parents when putting down the deposit on our house. They didn't want to see us lumbered with a huge mortgage as we started married life.

You lucky lucky lady!

ComposHat · 07/02/2012 15:54

The fact that the bank won't lend you the amount should be a massive clue that what you are seeking to do is unsustainable. How are you realistically hoping to pay your father-in-law back (presuming he is daft enough to say 'yes'?) alongside the mortgage payments that will already stretch you up to the limit of what you can afford.

Has the economic shit-storm that has engulfed not taught you anything about the perils of borrowing unrealisitc multiples of your income?

nickelhasababy · 07/02/2012 15:59

I personally would have no problems asking my parents for a loan (knowing that it was a loan), so i would hope that my dh would have the same reasoning.

I can't understand how anyone who has a good relationship with their parents wouldn't feel like they could do that.
(my ex had this hang up about asking his parents for money, but he would often take advantage of them in other ways - he used to do my head in.)

in my family, if you want something, you ask. if you don't, how are they supposed to know you need it? what's the worst that can happen? he says "no".

Eyjafjallajokull · 07/02/2012 16:02

6 months is nothing when you're saving for a house. It's unrealistic to think that - the way things are - it's anything other than a long game. I'm a bit shocked that you are surprised that it hasn't happened in "6 months!"

I don't think asking for money is ever really a good idea. If you're offered it, that's one thing. But I'd have to be really up shit creek before I asked my parents for money.

curiousgeorgie · 07/02/2012 16:07

I think its fine to ask parents for help. It's so hard to buy these days and deposits are ridiculous. I don't know about everyone else but when my parents bought a house it was about £13k, now my DH and I pay that and then some a YEAR for our mortgage.

They should help if they can, in some cases its the only possible way of getting on the property ladder at all.

curiousgeorgie · 07/02/2012 16:08

I also don't think its unreasonable to want your children to all have a room each. I feel the same way, pg again so moving to a house with another bedroom!

and a playroom I can shut them in

:)

YouOldSlag · 07/02/2012 16:12

what's the worst that can happen? he says "no".

Every family is different and has their own "in house culture" but if I asked my Dad for 5k to give my kids a bedroom each he would

a) be possibly embarrassed as he may not have it.
b) wonder why I was in a financial muddle
c) be hurt that all the thoughtful little things he did for me and my kids wasn't enough and that I was wanting more.
d) think I should live within my means.
e) feel I should be making my own way in the world when he has spent the last 40 years making personal sacrifices for me.
f) wonder why I should get £5k for a nice big house when he had to pull himself up by his bootstraps with less than no help from his own very skint parents.

Eyjafjallajokull · 07/02/2012 16:16

My parents would be agog if I shared with them that I thought they should help me out Grin

We saved for a decade to get on the housing ladder. My dad took a contract for two years and worked in really tough conditions to get his deposit. He sees that as roughly the same and doesn't think he should do anything. I think what he doesn't see is that because mortgages are relatively huge these days, we won't progress in the way that he did (mortgage free by 50, each house bigger than the last, big garden...).

ABatInBunkFive · 07/02/2012 16:17

Quite surprised at the amount of people who think the OP should go ahead and ask despite the fact that her DH doesn't want to. do that many people borrow that amount of money without it being agreed as a couple?

Very confused as to how you think you'd be able to pay it back when you haven't been able to save anything while staying with you mum also.

nickelhasababy · 07/02/2012 16:19

I see where you're coming from, slag, but i think my dad would be more upset if he thought i couldn''t ask him.
he has no problems telling me to sod off if he thinks it's unreasonable, or he can't afford it, but he would hate it if i thought i couldn't ask.

ABatInBunkFive · 07/02/2012 16:20

curiousgeorgie - nothing wrong with wanting your children to have a room each but if you can't afford to provide that as a couple eeither you stop having the children or have them share, not expect someone else to fund that wish, it isn't a life or death issue after all.

YouOldSlag · 07/02/2012 16:22

nickel- your Dad sounds nice. Mine is wonderful but very brusque!

RunsWithScissors · 07/02/2012 16:34

Sorry, I stopped reading after you said that it makes you laugh that no one has come forward about being given money by parents/ils

Maybe because a lot of us have done it on our own. I began saving as soon as I started work. I had the deposit for our first house because of that.

Instead of buying two years sooner, I helped my MIL by paying off the last of her mortgage so she could retire earlier from a very physically demanding job.

Not sure why you think "everyone" else has had help Hmm?

Ciske · 07/02/2012 16:38

You shouldn't ask, especially if your DH feels uncomfortable and there is clearly a culture in their family that people pay their own way. It's not an emergency, and the worst thing that could happen is not that FIL says 'No', but that FIL gets upset and that it ruins the relationship with his son. That's not worth the extra bedroom.

Sort out your financial affairs and start saving up, you'll feel better about spending the money and you don't risk overstretching yourself.

We didn't get any financial help from parents towards buying a house. They helped us move in, gave us some moral support as we went through all the legal entanglements and FIL has done some decorating, which was very helpful, and I wouldn't expect anything more.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 08/02/2012 10:37

curiousgeorgie I don't know about everyone else but when my parents bought a house it was about £13k, now my DH and I pay that and then some a YEAR for our mortgage.

I am really hoping that you understand about inflation?

curiousgeorgie · 08/02/2012 11:07

Gluestickseverywhere - of course I understand 'about inflation'... but the price of houses and the cost of living is much higher than it was when my parents bought a house. If you think about it, most childless couples went out and bought themselves a 3 bed semi somewhere, nowadays its not uncommon for a family of four to be in a 2 bed flat and for a couple to only be able to afford a studio.

But nice try ;)

ComposHat · 08/02/2012 11:15

Is your fil practical & in good health? If so, why don't you look at cheaper houses in need of restoration and ask if he'd like to give you a hand. It won't cost him money and you'll get to spend time together too.

lesley33 · 08/02/2012 11:32

"most childless couples went out and bought themselves a 3 bed semi somewhere"

Yes house prices have risen dramatically. But you must come from a well of background if you think the above is the case. Most people I know who bought started off in ex council houses or tiny terraced houses.

curiousgeorgie · 08/02/2012 12:02

Nope - but for example, my PIL bought a three bedroom semi in morden, with just my FIL salary, and he was just a council worker. These days you need two good salarys ans you would never be able to afford a three bedroom on just a single persons average salary?

lesley33 · 08/02/2012 12:04

I was a council worker as was my boyfriend 25 years ago. I couldn't afford to buy in Morden. He bought a tiny flat in Morden. Council workers can be well paid you know - it depends on the job they do.

curiousgeorgie · 08/02/2012 12:13

I'm not saying anything about council workers - I know for a fact he had a fairly average salary.

House prices / the cost of living etc has risen much more sharply than the average salary. Thats a fact.

Thats why parents should help.

My DH and I plan to stop at two children to ensure that we will be able to help them out.... hardly anyone can buy without help these days, its really sad.

lesley33 · 08/02/2012 12:16

Sorry he couldn't have bought a 3 bedroom semi in Morden on an average salary unless:

He had a very large deposit
He had well above an average salary
He bought it absolutely yonks ago - well over 40 years ago.

My boyfriend had an average salary and could not have afforded anywhere near a 3 bedroom semi in Morden. It it hadn't been Morden, I wouldn't have been sure about this. But I spent many weekends looking at flats/small houses with him.

lesley33 · 08/02/2012 12:19

My boyfriend by the way was a careers officer - so average salary. What was your dad's job?
But yes house prices have rocketed - although they were high in London 25 years ago as well.

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