To be worried about my daughter ...

[ParanoidAnnie]

DD1 is 7 (class 3). She had a rocky start to school and never really seemed to bond or fit in. She is a lovely child. I know I am biased, but I have heard this from other sources I.e. family/friends. She is kind, considerate and always shows great empathy with others.

She has no friends to call her own. After lots of fighting and falling out at school with some girls who had much stronger personalities than her, she quite naturally took it upon herself to just play with boys as they were no hassle! I commended her for this mature decision.

However now they are getting older, the boys aren't interested and she is becoming increasingly withdrawn. She never gets invited to parties or sleepovers. I do try to play this down a lot. We always do something nice at weekends to compensate.

I have spoken to school in the past when a few girls were being particularly nasty. It was resolved at the time and things seemed to settle down.

She is 8 in a few weeks and has really started to notice how things are. Last night she initiated a conversation about why she wasn't 'popular'. She said she couldn't understand why she didn't have any friends at school. She was asking me what she could do? We've had girls for tea and had parties but she rarely gets invited back. So I've taken my bat and ball home a bit with the rudeness of some the mums.

I have anthr DD who is completely different and the comparison is becoming so obvious to both!

There are other things that have happened at school that I don't want to say for fear of identifying us!

I fear that she is lonely, sad and as they get older she is heading for a rough time. I just don't know what to do to help. I love her do much and just want her to be happy. So am I AIBU to be concerned or should I just leave it and let it sort itself out?

Thanks for reading thus far .....

ParanoidAnnie, thanks for that. DD is a lovely girl, a bit old fashioned and quaint. She loves spending time with older people, and goes down to the church coffee morning and chats to the old ladies there every Saturday. They all adore her. She had the same sort of problems fitting in as your dd, and it is heartbreaking so I have great sympathy for you. One of dd's teachers told us that there wasn't another child in the school like her so she didn't have a 'soul mate', which was what she needed. The teacher told us that one of her own dd's was the same, but found that among a larger group of children at secondary school her own dd had found at least one very close friend.

DD is in Y8 now, but still hasn't found that elusive friend. A lot of horrid things happened to us between then and now though, which set her further apart (multiple bereavements of very close family), so she has slightly different priorities atm.

I love my dd so much, and am so proud of her strength in dealing with the harsh blows life has already dealt her. I believe that once she has finished dealing with her grief, she will find that friend or group of friends she needs. I also hope that she will have had her share of sorrows for a long long time, and that her future will be much brighter.

We did change school in Y5 after her fantastic teacher left and we discovered how much that teacher had been shielding dd (if you're reading this, Mrs D, we love you completely and forever!). Unfortunately that was the same time that all the deaths really got going (5 in less than two years, and we'd already had 2 only 10 months apart).

I don't know the answer for your daughter. I'm so sorry she is going through this, and for all those children who don't fit in.

I do think that as a society we need people who are extraordinary, who aren't round pegs. They enrich us, and our communities, sometimes in ways so small they are hardly noticed individually, but are massively significant nevertheless.

I think you should talk to her teacher and see if she has a more objective opinion as to why no friends.

At the same time, ask the teacher for the names of the other girls in the class with similar temperaments and ask your DD to gravitate towards these girls at break. Then in time she can invite them for playdates etc. I know last year (year 2) there was a breaktime rota to make sure no one was lonely at break.

My DD (8, year 3) would be very happy to befriend someone who isn't happy or who didn't have friends, and I'd be very happy for another mum for the class to contact me etc.

Our issue here is that one of DD's friends is a bossy bully.....

Hi everyone - just an update plus I've had the chance to read all your replies in detail and without all the emotion I was feeing at the weekend.

Thanks to every one of you that took the time to reply. I really really appreciate it. I never thought for one minute I would get so much advice, guidance and understanding. It's sad to know that so many children out there are going through the same things.

I've been to see the Head teacher today. It was great to be armed with all the information from this thread and I used some quotes when speaking to her.

She was very understanding and understood completely where I was coming from. We both agreed that the situation is very hard to reverse but she wants to work with me to see what we can do. They don't want to lose DD as a pupil and are prepared to try very hard to make things better for her. We talked about those in clasee that DD could bond with and we are both going to speak to the parents of those children to see what we can do.

I raised the issue a few times that we seemed to be dealing with DD as the problem and not the other way round. She stone walled me a bit, but did agree that there are children in the class that have a propensity to be very mean and they are being dealt with.

She also mentioned the idea of instigating games at playtime that DD can 'start' and get people involved that way also.

Sadly, I did tell her that if things hadn't resolved by the end of the year that we would be moving DD to give her a fresh start. I have already started to look at other schools.

I was a lot more assertive than I normally am so I think she was 'thrown' a little bit. I suspect I will get more feedback later in the week.

Jux, sounds like your DD has had an horrific couple of years. I hope that things get much better for her moving forward.

It sounds very positive. I should still use the time to look at other options, just so that you have them in reserve, hopefully you may never have to use them.
I should think they will try-small schools usually have 'family feel' and 'pastoral care' as points to make parents choose them.
Good luck.

I read your thread but didn't post and i was wondering how things were going? DD1 started to have similar problems in reception but her fantastic year 1 teacher nipped it in the bud. I will come back to this thread though.

Jux, what a lovely message from your DD. You must be so proud of her.

Twofalls, how did the teacher nip it in the bud? What did she do?

Things much the same for DD. I'm dreading going back after half term, we have had a lovely break without all the hassle and stress.

She invited one of the boys to play during the week. I was very proud of her as she sorted it all out herself. They played really well together which warmed my heart.

I can't see a quick fix though. She is still an outsider with the girls in her class. The school and her counsellor (who has been secretly watching her play) agree with me.

I have a term and a half to see an improvement, or I shall move her to give her a fresh start. She seems very open to the idea, which is great.

ParanoidAnnie

I am rather late to this, but as others have said, I could have written your post exactly. DD is the same age with the same problem.

Like yours she is a lovely bright and funny girl but has just not been able to make a connection with the other girls at her school. I have asked her if there is anyone she would like to invite to play but she can't think of anyone. SHe is one of the youngest in her year (Aug baby) but very bright and clever, loves reading, and I think this sets her apart.

Your description of the school event almost had me in tears, I have witnessed exactly that with my DD.

Those who have suggested bigger schools are better, well DD does go to a bigger school and the same problem still applies. I have the same worry that if we changed schools it would not solve the problem.

DD has a friend from Brownies who she also goes swimming with (goes to different school). I have witnessed this friend ignore her completely at Brownies when this friend was with another girl who goes to same school.

I am encouraged by your meeting with the Head, I have previously spoken to DD's teacher but she has not really helped at all. The school does have a buddy system but I don;'t think DD uses it, she has taken books to school with her in the past to read at playtime.

Like you this breaks my heart and I don't know what to do. I will take a good look at the advice on this thread and think about speaking to the school.

Jux's DD - what a lovely message and a lovely girl you are.

Anyway good luck to you and your DD and all those who are going through the same.

Toriana, thanks for your message. Kids can be very mean, eh? The school were good, but I did ever so slightly get the impression that I was being written off as another whining silly Mum who thinks her DD has no friends. I personally think it's much more important than that. It's fundamental that children are happy and settled at school. DD has said that she starts to feel nervous before dinner time as she doesn't know what is going to happen. Surely that will have an effect on her learning?

Your DD sounds very similar, my DD is also one of the youngest in the class. I don't think she is the brightest, but she is in the top group. She loves to read also and takes a book every day!

I've since witnessed another episode of her being completely ignored. Of course, the Queen Bee was involved!! It didn't bother me just so much though. All the positive comments and advice I have received on here, help me see it more clearly. I KNOW she will be fine in the long run, as she is from a loving home. We tell her we love her every day. She is kind and caring, and will make the right person a lovely friend one day ... and I got all this from advice on here.

Also (at the risk of boring you further!!) I found that I quoted some comments on here, namely 'my daughter deserves not to be invisible', 'also that a fresh start may be best, as these situations once developed are hard to reverse.

Good luck with the teacher, please take time to read all advice on here - it is great advice !!

P.s I'm sure your DD will also be fine, she sounds lovely x

Can you look outside her year group for a female friendship? Is there a younger or older girls she plays with at break? Just a thought. Can you invite the boys back to play? For tea? Can you talk to the teachers? I recon they could really help in some way.

We have a similar situation with our SD. She is in year 4 and gets on really well with the boys. They get together here and there out of school but sleep overs don't happen. There are some right loud bossy show-offy madams in her class and she chooses not to get involved. The teachers adore her and can see exactly whats going on. Her main female friend is in the year above.

Skybluepearl, sounds familiar - that's exactly what she did - moved away from the bossy show off madams!

Funny you should you mention it though, as she has mentioned a new friend from class 4. She says they both like Diary of a wimpy kid books! In her own words she said 'I saw her reading it and I wanted to talk to her, I was a bit afraid but in the end I just ran straight in' it made me !!

Early days though - DH thought 'invite her for tea quick' but I didn't want to pounce on the poor child and her mother. I'm watching how it develops avidly though.

I've actually started to feel sad for 'queen bee' as someone said, she is a big fin in a small pond.. Will get a rude awakening in big school!

Thank you ParanoidAnnie,

I'm glad you are feeling more positive, certainly I have read all the advice on here and yes it is all great advice.

I really hope things continue to improve for you. I have always dreaded the thought of DD going to secondary school, thinking that she would become a target for bullies, but I am comforted by others stories that they found good friends at secondary with like minded kids.

Will see how things go, the trouble is DD will not talk about it with me, I only know because I have been told by others she is often on her own and of course the lack of invitations to parties and playdates.

It's a shame we can't get our girls together, sounds like they would have alot in common!

In terms of nipping things in the bud, dd's teacher did s number of things all focussing in inclusion. She talked to the whole class about leaving each other out and asked them all to think of a time where they felt left out, bullied or treated unkindly by their friends or a sibling. They then wrote about thus in the big write they do on a Friday and talked about their experiences and their stories afterwards. She then asked dd if she wanted to say anything and she stood up in front of the class and said How upset she was when people left her out, how it made get feel sad when they went off into groups and didn't include her and generally how unhappy she was. (i was so proud when i heard thus) Her teacher also encouraged a group of girls outside of the main group to do as much group work with dd as possible. I also had more playdates after school.

Things are much better. When I think of how she sobbed this time last year in reception because she didn't want to go back after half term I am so relived we had a reacher who took her seriously.

We have also encouraged her to be friends with lots of different children and this has worked. Whilst she doesn't have a best friend she likes the face she isn't tied down to a friendship group. She also arranges games with the other children who are also left out and never turns other children away from a game.

Having friends outside of school also helped lot

Sorry for typos. On iPhone and very tired

Hope dome of thishelps