Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

To be worried about my daughter ...

162 replies

ParanoidAnnie · 03/02/2012 12:20

DD1 is 7 (class 3). She had a rocky start to school and never really seemed to bond or fit in. She is a lovely child. I know I am biased, but I have heard this from other sources I.e. family/friends. She is kind, considerate and always shows great empathy with others.

She has no friends to call her own. After lots of fighting and falling out at school with some girls who had much stronger personalities than her, she quite naturally took it upon herself to just play with boys as they were no hassle! I commended her for this mature decision.

However now they are getting older, the boys aren't interested and she is becoming increasingly withdrawn. She never gets invited to parties or sleepovers. I do try to play this down a lot. We always do something nice at weekends to compensate.

I have spoken to school in the past when a few girls were being particularly nasty. It was resolved at the time and things seemed to settle down.

She is 8 in a few weeks and has really started to notice how things are. Last night she initiated a conversation about why she wasn't 'popular'. She said she couldn't understand why she didn't have any friends at school. She was asking me what she could do? We've had girls for tea and had parties but she rarely gets invited back. So I've taken my bat and ball home a bit with the rudeness of some the mums.

I have anthr DD who is completely different and the comparison is becoming so obvious to both!

There are other things that have happened at school that I don't want to say for fear of identifying us!

I fear that she is lonely, sad and as they get older she is heading for a rough time. I just don't know what to do to help. I love her do much and just want her to be happy. So am I AIBU to be concerned or should I just leave it and let it sort itself out?

Thanks for reading thus far .....

OP posts:

LauraShigihara · 03/02/2012 22:17

Oh my goodness - that sounds so sad.

DS is eight (year 4) and is just the same. He tries to play with the others but 9 times out of 10 is ignored or rebuffed. I have spoken to the teachers over and over but unless it is out and out bullying, rather than just being excluded, they don't seem to know what to do. They just keep telling me to get him interested in football (he hates team sports)

There is a buddy system but it is run by the oldest children who are bit intimidating for a younger child. I send him to school with a couple of toys in his pocket so he can either share them with any potential playmate or play a quiet game on his own.

Like you, I make sure he has plenty of activities in his spare time, so he can meet other children in a structured way.

It's so bloody hard. I often think of home ed but he seems to be coping at the moment, despite the fact that not one child has played with him all fucking week.

Original poster

ParanoidAnnie · 03/02/2012 22:22

I just mentioned home ed to DH, who nearly choked. I would do it though. I am seriously considering it.

Things are definitely coming to a head. It is right that the school just don't know what t o do. It's not bullying as such. Just totally ignored which is worse IMO.

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 03/02/2012 22:25

I would try to change schools.It is as I said earlier-a small school and 'big fish in a small pond' -I bet one DC leads them and they are stuck in their ways from the infants. 8 girls just doesn't give scope. You want at least 12 and more than one form entry so that in the playground she has the choice of about 24 girls.
At least look into it.

exoticfruits · 03/02/2012 22:26

I wouldn't jump straight into HE without looking at the possibilities. HE gives small groups too-and has all sorts.

FlightRisk · 03/02/2012 22:27

Have you thought about cubs?

Our local cubs take boys and girls and there's a really good mix of personallities there. some quiet some not so much (to put it politely)

Or perhaps any othe rclub she/he would enjoy that will have a mix of boys and girls.

exoticfruits · 03/02/2012 22:29

I think that Cubs are great-and they now take girls.

strictlovingmum · 03/02/2012 22:30

Reading your post made me Have you considered maybe, after school activity outside of school, swimming club, dance school, brownies, choir where she could get a fresh start with children from different schools?

exoticfruits · 03/02/2012 22:30

If you are thinking seriously of HE I would check out your local groups-they vary a lot in friendliness.

LauraShigihara · 03/02/2012 22:31

I think that school structures can be utterly useless when it comes to a child being left out. When my son was actually attacked by a gang of pupils, the head swung into action, informing parents, disciplining the children involved.

But if I complain he is all alone at playtimes, they say that, if he won't ask the 'buddies' (Year 6) to play, then there is nothing they can do. One teacher said 'I can't make them like him'.

exoticfruits · 03/02/2012 22:34

Not all schools Laura. That is a dreadful thing to say to a DC.
They vary enormously, as a supply teacher I didn't have to go back to the ones that I didn't like! Your DD isn't so lucky.

Original poster

ParanoidAnnie · 03/02/2012 22:34

I actually find it hard to believe that tonight actually happened. It was unbelievable. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. Nobody spoke to her. I'm thinking that she must have the problem. She must be giving off bad vibes? Why else would they all be so mean?

I will let you all know what happens as I'm not standing for it a moment longer.

Am going to become the Mum from hell!

OP posts:

LauraShigihara · 03/02/2012 22:36

I would second the idea of looking into moving her to a new school. She is very young and a fresh start could be just what she needs.

If you have a nearby bigger school, she would have a larger pool of children to find someone she really gels with.

Original poster

ParanoidAnnie · 03/02/2012 22:37

She goes toBrownies and loves it. Plays really well with all girls there. No close friends or anything but it is early days.

OP posts:

runningwilde · 03/02/2012 22:37

I think you should think about moving schools too, take a look at some others and see if they would suit her more. Maybe a smaller school? Might be goodfor her to find a hobby she can really concentrate on too? Good luck and update us! X

Heswall · 03/02/2012 22:39

They would tease my daughter and she would then go off in a huff, if one of the nicer kids came over to see what was wrong, DD would still be upset and turn away from the child enquiring. The heads exact words were no child is going to ask her twice. How about not bloody upsetting her in the first place ? Oh no it was all my DD's fault for rejecting the "help" of the other children. That was the "problem". I don't understand HT's thought process if I'm honest on a lot of things.

Heswall · 03/02/2012 22:40

Smaller schools are worse IMO, I wouldn't choose a single form entry again.

exoticfruits · 03/02/2012 22:41

If she loves Brownies it would appear to me that it is the school that is the problem.If they are letting it continue (or even start) they are not really going to stop it. A change is needed.

LauraShigihara · 03/02/2012 22:41

Structured activities are a very good idea. There is none of this playtime stuff - they go in, have fun and come home.

Brownies sounds lovely.

exoticfruits · 03/02/2012 22:42

I think that smaller schools are worse-depending on the personalities within it. One girl can rule the roost among 8-she couldn't manage it with a larger number.

marriedinwhite · 03/02/2012 22:43

Oh OP.

I hated school - I was an grown up child and a square peg in a round hole. I was never "popular" at school and never needed a herd and quite individual. It was terribly upsetting at the time. From about 14 I started fitting in better, by 16 I was truly accepted. At 18 I was becoming popular. As an adult in the workplace I have been very successful. Oddly some of the "alpha" girls from my childhood never moved on and have done little.

DD is an island - at 8 had few friends. At 11/12 was very unhappy and we moved her to a new school. She is growing in confidence and blossoming in every way now.

DS has never had such probs.

Who knows what the future will hold. But the present holds a little girl with a mummy who cares enough to worry about her and to post on here for support and to look for support for her from elsewhere. That is a huge privilege.

Please just love her for who she is and let her know that you are proud of her. I'm sure this phase will pass and if it doesn't she is a lucky enough to have a family who are gunning for her.

NorthernWreck · 03/02/2012 22:46

Bad vibes? Get a grip woman! She doesn't give off bad vibes!
Its just a pack mentality within a small group of girls in a small class. End of.

Agree she may be better in a bigger school.
I just can't beleive some "teachers" who don't tackle this kind of thing.
How can a child learn and grow when she is subjected to forced isolation?
And the parents.
A new boy started at ds's school this week, and I had a long conversation with ds about how scary that must be, and that ds should go and ask him to play. Ds said he would be nervous starting a new school, and seemed to show some empathy, but its taught.
I am not blowing my own trumpet, and in some ways am a rubbish mum, but when it comes to children being left out/ bullied (and whats the difference really?) I am fucking militant!

So angry on your behalf OP.

imoanruby · 03/02/2012 22:52

She is not giving off bad vibes...don't think that - she is stuck with some horrible children who probably have horrid parents who don't teach them how to behave.

I know how heart breaking it is, i honestly do. You give he lots of cuddles tell her how wonderful she is. She is lucky to have you.

Go and see the head and if they are not very helpful make sure you let them have it both barrels.

Thinking of you and your dd.

LauraShigihara · 03/02/2012 22:57

It's not bad vibes, it's just she has the bad luck to have some nasty children in her class.

Viewofthehills · 03/02/2012 23:25

Could the mad running round just be her trying to be fun and entertaining? I remember my DD doing something similar at that age and "acting mad". She was (still is ) quite shy and very lovely. She was a bit left out when younger, but was ok as she had one good friend.

Just keep telling her; be yourself, you are beautiful and lovely. And I would consider moving her- a lot of it is luck of the draw if you meet friends on the same wavelength.

giraffesCantDonateBoneMarrow · 03/02/2012 23:29

Any hobbies or activities she could join with/to meet like minded firends? I would say this is about confidence building - confident enough to be her own person.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7