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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not tell DP that I cheated on him

173 replies

TheParisWife · 02/02/2012 17:37

Namechanged.

Today has been an absolutely awful day. I'm completely racked with guilt, scared shitless and confused to what I'm going to do.

Me and DP have been together a year. No children involved, but he keeps on hinting that he was planning to propose :(

Just to give you a bit of a background- me and DP were utterly besotted from the start, so much so that just after 3 weeks of being together, when he got a promotion which meant he'd need to relocate to London- we stayed together and have since maintained a relationship where we see each other every two/three weeks for a long weekend. It's tough, but with Skype and texting it works. Also, I'm working my way up in a business in my hometown- and I'm one tier away from a promotion that would mean a relocation to London too, so the thought of that keeps me going- or so I thought.

Last night at a work birthday party, I ended up getting out of control drunk (Let me really spell this out: I'm not using being drunk as an excuse- just stating it was one of the factors) and having sex with one of my best friends at work. God typing that makes me feel sick. He was just as drunk too, and I don't really know what happened between going to his room (we live in a complex for workers of our company) to get some paracetamol for the morning, and ending up in bed with him. If there was a burning passion in the workplace and lots of flirting- then it would be wrong, but understandable...but this was honestly a platonic friendship. So confused.

Although I don't want to be graphic, the actual sex was literally eight thrusts before I realised that it was wrong, cheap and nasty; a real 'WTF am I doing?!' situation. I apologised for leading him on, but I didn't want to do this- grabbed my things and went back to my room.

I woke up this morning feeling sick but I went to see my friend right away, he was just as ashamed as me and said that'd never speak a word of it to anyone again. We had a hug, and I had a huge crying session. I returned back to my apartment, didn't go to work today and just curled up on the sofa feeling shit and thinking of what I had done to my poor poor taken-for-granted DP who I honestly love with all my heart.

My male friend who I did this disgusting deed with is off abroad to start up some offices and is staying there permanently- so there is a very good chance that I will never have to see him again if I don't want to. I've also written a resignation letter and have applied to a million random jobs in London that are way below what I'm qualified for. I want to get out of here and never ever do something as vile and reckless as this again. I don't want to tell DP as I know for a fact he'd leave me and rightly so...

I know a lot of you are going to use the argument 'but what if he did this to you? wouldn't you want to know?' - but if I'm perfectly honest, if there was no way of finding out and he felt as remorseful and disgusted with himself as I do now. Then no, I probably wouldn't :(

Flame me, give me words of advice, tell me IABVVVVVVU- but nothing you can say will make me feel worse as I do already.

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 02/02/2012 17:40

I wouldn't tell him. I'll be flamed for saying it, but I wouldn't.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 02/02/2012 17:41

There is no point in telling him because all you would be doing is trying to allay your guilt.

Get some help to deal with the guilt and how dreadful you feel about it (and maybe try to work out why you did it), then forgive yourself and move on.

I think that will be the hardest bit - forgiving yourself.

LaurieFairyCake · 02/02/2012 17:41

Yanbu

Do not resign, do not move away - it's too soon and it's too raw - you can't throw your whole life away over 8 thrusts.

I'm so sorry for you but don't make any hasty decisions - you need to come to terms with that awful shame you feel and it will take time.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 02/02/2012 17:41

Ninkynonker, I agree. No point in OP telling her DP at all.

Threeprinces · 02/02/2012 17:42

The main question is whether anybody apart from you and the friend know about it? If not then you could consider not telling DP as it would only hurt him, you bitterly regret it and it's not likely to happen again.
If however there is a chance he could find out or other people know then you're better off coming clean rather than him finding out from someone else.

WilsonFrickett · 02/02/2012 17:43

I wouldn't do anything hasty. You're in shock, full of depressants (booze come down) and in the middle of a bit of an emotional train wreck.

If your friend is moving abroad, don't resign FFS.

And don't do anything about BF for at least a week.

salmonskinroll · 02/02/2012 17:43

I'm not going to flame you, yes it was wrong but it's happened now.

I don't think you should tell him. It will crush him.

MorrisZapp · 02/02/2012 17:43

Why have you resigned?

Threeprinces · 02/02/2012 17:43

Also meant to add, don't resign that would be silly.

LaurieFairyCake · 02/02/2012 17:45

And I can honestly say that I would forgive my husband if it was exactly as you describe.

'cheating' to me is intimacy and flirting and making a choice. When you're so drunk you don't know what you're doing it's hardly a conscious choice.

If my dh had done that then I would expect him to not have sex with me til he'd told me and had himself checked for std's.

minimisschief · 02/02/2012 17:46

well poor you. it is him i feel sorry for. tell him you have no right keeping it from him.

if he is thinking about proposing you cannot decide to let him potentially tie himself to you not knowing that you do not take the relationship as seriously as him.

AlwaysWild · 02/02/2012 17:46

You were out of control drunk and don't remember what happened? Do you literally mean that?

Original poster
TheParisWife · 02/02/2012 17:46

No one else knows. As we have been apart our whole relationship (well, bar 3 weeks) we have very separate social circles. We know each others best friends, but obviously not colleagues.

I'm probably not going to resign, just wrote a letter to let my guilt out. It didn't work.

My friend isn't moving away for 3 months, and even though there is no awkwardness, we've had a long talk and it's fine- just looking at him is a constant reminder of what I have done and I fucking hate myself for it.

I see a vile filthy slag when I look in the mirror. I am disgusted with myself.

OP posts:
yellowraincoat · 02/02/2012 17:47

What a nightmare.

I agree with others that you shouldn't tell him. It's awful but you know it didn't mean anything, whereas he'll be turning it over and over in his mind.

mayorquimby · 02/02/2012 17:48

I think if you have any respect for him you'd tell him.

JuliaScurr · 02/02/2012 17:48

Counselling could give you somewhere to express it all without dumping it on dp, then you can decide whether to tell him. Don't do anything hasty.

Original poster
TheParisWife · 02/02/2012 17:49

AlwaysWild - it's not that I don't remember, it's more of a 'I don't know' ...it all happened so fast, from going into his ensuite to get paracetamol, to those eight thrusts -shudders- to me leaving in tears hating myself all took under 10 minutes :(

OP posts:
igggi · 02/02/2012 17:50

I think you want us to make you feel worse!

Cheating is bad but somehow not as bad to cheat on a boyfriend than a husband/partner (I find it hard to think of someone you've had a long distance relationship from the start as a 'partner' tbh). Learn a lesson from it and move on. Resigning would generate a lot of gossip, surely?

GravityDefier · 02/02/2012 17:50

I have to agree with Minimisschief, you have no right to lie to him.He has the right to know before he decides t be with you forever.

PacificDogwood · 02/02/2012 17:50

Don't tell him.
Don't resign but keep looking for other job opportunities closer to your DP.
Find a way for come to terms what you did - and then Move On.
Learn.

aldiwhore · 02/02/2012 17:51

Agree with others, don't tell. It was one humdinger of a mistake, one that there's probably a million valid reasons for (or excuses) and none of them make it right. However, you know yourself and you know you didn't do it out of disrespect to your OH, although you did disrespect yourself in some way.

These things do happen to good people too, you are not automatically a bad person. I'd say the same to a man who did this.

I think if your OH suspects something or questions you (if you're acting weird) then maybe telling him will be the only option... and much as it makes ME feel a bit grubby to say, I think you should keep schtum. Don't resign. Learn from it. Don't tell.

Of course your OH would be gutted if he knew, and I'm all for honesty, but ocassionally its not the best policy, especially if you really didn't do it intentionally... and though no one ever accidently falls on a penis, sometimes you do end up in situations that you just wouldn't want to do normally.

PacificDogwood · 02/02/2012 17:53

Get it into perspective - this kind of thing has happened before and will happen again as long as humankind has free will, loneliness and booze.
What would you or he gain by telling him? You have little self-control when under the influence?

Personally, I think if you learn from this experience and you feel as strongly about your DP as you sound you do, don't tell.

Btw, why are you so certain that he would leave you if you did tell? Is he once burnt, twice shy?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/02/2012 17:54

I won't flame you, OP, but I'd give you a hug. Unless you've been in the same position, you can't say what you'd do. I know. Your punishment will be the guilt that you'll carry. Never, never tell. Put it out of your mind and never let on in thought, word or deed. You'll never do it again.

AlwaysWild · 02/02/2012 17:54

Thanks for clarifying OP. Was concerned about you. Nothing useful to add to the tell him thing

salmonskinroll · 02/02/2012 17:55

I just can't understand how you both ended up together when, as you said, there was zero attraction and it is a 100% platonic relationship?

Even when crazy drunk I find it hard to understand you two ending up in bed.

Maybe he has feelings for you? or you do but can't admit it.