to not tell DP that I cheated on him

[TheParisWife]

Namechanged.

Today has been an absolutely awful day. I'm completely racked with guilt, scared shitless and confused to what I'm going to do.

Me and DP have been together a year. No children involved, but he keeps on hinting that he was planning to propose :(

Just to give you a bit of a background- me and DP were utterly besotted from the start, so much so that just after 3 weeks of being together, when he got a promotion which meant he'd need to relocate to London- we stayed together and have since maintained a relationship where we see each other every two/three weeks for a long weekend. It's tough, but with Skype and texting it works. Also, I'm working my way up in a business in my hometown- and I'm one tier away from a promotion that would mean a relocation to London too, so the thought of that keeps me going- or so I thought.

Last night at a work birthday party, I ended up getting out of control drunk (Let me really spell this out: I'm not using being drunk as an excuse- just stating it was one of the factors) and having sex with one of my best friends at work. God typing that makes me feel sick. He was just as drunk too, and I don't really know what happened between going to his room (we live in a complex for workers of our company) to get some paracetamol for the morning, and ending up in bed with him. If there was a burning passion in the workplace and lots of flirting- then it would be wrong, but understandable...but this was honestly a platonic friendship. So confused.

Although I don't want to be graphic, the actual sex was literally eight thrusts before I realised that it was wrong, cheap and nasty; a real 'WTF am I doing?!' situation. I apologised for leading him on, but I didn't want to do this- grabbed my things and went back to my room.

I woke up this morning feeling sick but I went to see my friend right away, he was just as ashamed as me and said that'd never speak a word of it to anyone again. We had a hug, and I had a huge crying session. I returned back to my apartment, didn't go to work today and just curled up on the sofa feeling shit and thinking of what I had done to my poor poor taken-for-granted DP who I honestly love with all my heart.

My male friend who I did this disgusting deed with is off abroad to start up some offices and is staying there permanently- so there is a very good chance that I will never have to see him again if I don't want to. I've also written a resignation letter and have applied to a million random jobs in London that are way below what I'm qualified for. I want to get out of here and never ever do something as vile and reckless as this again. I don't want to tell DP as I know for a fact he'd leave me and rightly so...

I know a lot of you are going to use the argument 'but what if he did this to you? wouldn't you want to know?' - but if I'm perfectly honest, if there was no way of finding out and he felt as remorseful and disgusted with himself as I do now. Then no, I probably wouldn't :(

Flame me, give me words of advice, tell me IABVVVVVVU- but nothing you can say will make me feel worse as I do already.

Vicarinatutu

What a wise person you are, OP -take note

If you are certain there is no other way your bloke could find out, then do not tell him. You are clearly completely remorseful. Do not resign, either. Plan your future with him. The incident is something you should learn from, not something you should allow to wreck your happiness.

Others have already covered how ridiculous Dodie's post is, but there was one sensible thing in there. The bit about how everyone who's slept with anyone and plans to do so again should get an STI test. Pretty much! If you've ever had condomless sex with anyone that you don't know was STI free, then yes that's exactly what you should do! So many STIs can be asymptomatic. They can be a ticking time bomb for fertility. It's the socially responsible thing to do: not only does it mean not passing the infection on, but its also cheaper for the NHS to treat any infections now than after a person has had them for several years.

I really wouldn't tell him. What will it achieve, except easing your guilt? You know what happened, that it was a stupid drink fuelled mistake. Your DP won't. I agree with the other posters who have said you need to learn from this and move on. Stop beating yourself up- you stopped the sex and truly regret what you have done. This does not make you a bad person and in time this feeling will fade.

I don't think you should tell. I have advised a friend in a similar situation - she had a one-off "afternoon of passion" with someone who had been relentlessly pursuing her for almost a year, despite the fact that she was about to get engaged. She felt absolutely awful about it; and in her case, although it sounds rather silly, she felt that bedding the person (not fiancee) was the right thing to do as she was attracted to him, and wasn't sure about the engagement. Needless to say, the next day she realised it was all a horrible mistake, and like you, OP, felt ashamed and disgusted with herself. To add to all this, she comes from a very strictly religious background so there was a shovelful of guilt in there too.

As it was, she ended up seeing the shag companion socially (though mutual friends) but couldn't meet his eye, and he, having got what he wanted, pretty much cold-shouldered her.

It wouldn't have helped her relationship to have owned up to this mistake, and so it was never mentioned.

She did marry her fiancee, and they are very happy together. Some things just belong in the past.

If she had been conducting an affair with the other bloke, then I would have told her to come clean though.

I wouldnt tell, but I would see if you can talk this all through with a counsellor or someone or it may happen again. Hers my thoughts for what its worth - yes we all have choices in life and that comes from the conscious mind. But as humans we have an unconscious to and this is at work and can influence us, its still "us" but can be harder to understand. I do think that you have did this, not because you were drunk (although that probably didnt help) but because iof your past experineces of relationships - bad. Youve been lied to and cheated, and now you have found a "nice" man, basically the exact opposite to every man you have been with.

I think therpay would help you understand what you didm, be it because current partner id "too perfect" and you are expecting him (as I said unconsciously) to cheat on you, like a "life is shit and always goes wrong" type of thing. Or perhaps because of even deeper issues you feel you dont deserve a "nice" guy and are subconscioulsly trying to ruin it for yourself. Or think you dont deserve any better.

I hope this all makes sense

As my dgm always said 'What the eyes don't see the heart doesn't feel'...OP please do not tell him.You will gain NOTHING and he will lose his trust in you.Time is a great healer and tomorrow you feel less crap until the guilt completely passes imo.Forgive yourself.The fact that you feel so guilty shows that you are not a bad person

I'm amazed by all the insistence that "there is nothing to be gained" by telling. What about the OP gaining a sense of integrity and honesty? What about the OP's DP gaining the chance to make a decision based on reality rather than lies?

cheating does not make you a bad person

we have all been drunk got flirty sometimes it goes too far other times it is just flirting. i think you need to be honest unless you really feel you can handle how you feel about what you have done. really it is for him to decide if he can forgive you or not because your conscience will catch up with you, you will start to behave in a way that pushes you both away from each other adn that will make you both very unhappy in the long run

heresiarch but the reality is the OP made a very terrible mistake,she feels extremely guilty and she loves her dp.By telling him it would surely ruin everything?

I think you should tell him. You have no children to protect, and you have not been together very long.

Can you really countenance marriage and a family with this man with such a huge secret hanging over you? It will change the dynamics of the relationship until it poisons it. Eventually he will realise that something is wrong, and much further down the line the chances are you will separate with massive fallout.

I suspect the "confirmatory fling" before getting engaged is not that uncommon tbh.

It's a life experience that confirms her choice. Let it lie.

Huge secret? Oh purleeeeeeeeeease! It's hardly a huge secret is it? One moment of madness which was quickly curtailed ffs - not quite the same as a long term affair or allowing a man to bring up a baby that isn't his or something along those lines. It was a mistake. A brief and stupid one brought on in drink. To make it a huge life changing secret is just over-dramatisation at it's worst.

Without going into detail, I can confirm that is does not necessarily change the dynamics of a relationship until it poisons it.

I think what poisons a relationship, is when one person deliberately lies and deceives in order to embark on an affair, or to cover up a continuing one. Or lusting, long term after another person and flirting with them behind your partner's back (even if you never actually shag them). Getting drunk and having half a shag that you didn't even enjoy and feel terribly sorry about and will never do again, will not poison the relationship for ever.

It was a moment of weakness. Telling the partner just dumps all the guilt and misery on him.

I'd want to know about an emotional affair, or an affair where my dh had lied to me in order to be able to sleep with someone else. If, before we were married/living together, he'd done what the OP had done and been immediately regretful and never did it again, then truthfully, I would prefer not to know.

It would be life changing if my DH did it and of course her DP will lose his trust in her, as he should because obviously that trust is misplaced. She shagged someone else, just because it wasn't very good doesn't change that.

It is bullshit to lie to someone like this, really shit, what a way to start.

karmabeliver 'I would prefer not to know.'

I just can't get my head around that. I want to know, better a clean break than a bunch of lies IMO.

we have not taken the op partners view on monogamy

for some cheating in any form is the end of a relationship for others it is not but i think if that has been made clear (and not sure if it has or just assumed) then how he would feel should be taken into account

truths more often than not have a way of coming out if not by telling them in our actions, how we feel about ourselves how we treat others and so on

Morloth,it's not a bunch of lies though. It's one lie by omission, in order to avoid causing pain in an otherwise good relationship. I think I view affairs in terms of degrees of wrongness. For me, personally, I would be much more hurt by an emotional affair, rather than a drunken one night stand, where my partner had called a halt in the middle of the act itself.

That said, if my dh had done this, I don't think I would leave him, but I would be hurt and if he was truly regretful and was never going to do it again, then yes, I'd prefer not to be told.

I asked dh for his opinion regarding the OP's specific circumstances, and he said he would prefer not to know too. Maybe it comes down to what the OP thinks her partner would want, but this is hard to know until it actually happens.

TheParisWife, did your "friend" force himself on you?
You say you dont remember, and you dont know what happened. Does he know about your past? Did he take advantage of the drunken you to get his way with you, thinking you would be an easy target, that you would lack the confidence to say no?

It is interesting that you remember suddenly realizing what happened, that you ran crying and straight to the shower.

Is it easier to think that you had some part i this, as the alternative is too horrible to contemplate?

I think you are right in staying away from your "friend". Be careful with alcohol. You are right in looking to your future. And if you ever were to tell your dp about what happened, be truthful, the man you thought were a friend took advantage of your drunken state.

How are you feeling today OP?

Every time she speaks to him and doesn't tell him is a lie IMO.

I don't view cheating in degrees. I don't share, at all. We are either together or we are not. It is black and white here.

The DP in this situation should not be lied to so the OP still gets her nice life. Who knows he might be in the 'forgive and forget' but he might not be and he deserves to know.

Being drunk doesn't change who you are. It just removes all your stops. There is no excuse. There doesn't need to be, the OP is a consenting adult she can haves sex with whoever she wants, no problem but it sucks to lie and cheat, it is so unfair.

Sexual infidelity is a massive betrayal - even if it was a one off mistake. I couldn't forgive it, and I wouldn't expect my partner to forgive it.

Really, why is there the need for the over analysis? "oh you must see a therapist/there must be something wrong with the relationship/it's all about your subconscious feelings of low self esteem etc etc."

The op was drunk. So drunk that she ended up in bed with someone.

Sometimes people do stupid things when they're drunk. Sometimes people hug people and tell them they love them. Sometimes people lay down in the gutter and have to be dragged home. Sometimes people strip naked and dance on tables, or show their arses to the world. Sometimes they get bolchy and tell people what they really think of them, or what they think they think of them at the time. And often they remember very little of it the next day and are horrified afterward and wouldn't ever dream of doing the same thing when sober. But do we try to analyse (sp?) those behaviors? no, because we accept that when people are drunk, they do really stupid things. And sometimes, that includes putting themselves in compromising positions that have no purpose or meaning and would never happen when sober.

And the key here is that when op realized what she was doing, she stopped and removed herself from the situation.

I think people who think they would never ever do this are naive. That's not to say that everyone will, but IMO everyone has the capasity to. It's just that most never end up in that situation.

Op - it happened. It was wrong, but you don't need us to tell you that - you realized it was wrong even before it had ended and put it right by walking away. There is nothing to be achieved by telling your dp other than hurting him and justifying your feelings of self loathing. And that will achieve what exactly?

As for the comments above re an std test, well, presumably most people who enter into new relationships have previously been with other partners, and yet most don't have an std check before sleeping with someone new do they? So while I can see the argument that you could contract an std through this, it's no different really to having contracted one before sleeping with a new partner, and again the idea that you should get an std check immediately seems to me more about admitting your guilt over what you've done by making it seem dirty iyswim rather than the real potential for STD's. Yes, of course anyone can catch something from anyone else, but who says just before you go on a date "fgs go to the clinic before sleeping with him," - no-one.

I agree with most of what you say wannaBe, but I think the sti check is important because presumably the OP and her DP know they have no sti. If she decides not to say anything and then passes an sti to her dp, that would be beyond awful. Also, it's one thing to not tell him, it's quite another to put his health at risk by not getting checked out.

OP you need to ask yourself a few questions.

Realistically can you keep this to yourself for the next 40/50/60 years?

Do you have the right to lie to or deceive your DP?

What about his right to make an informed decision?

You say your friend won't say anything. How can you be sure? How do you know he won't tell someone the next time he gets drunk?

I agree with FreudianSlipper the truth has a way of coming out.