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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not tell DP that I cheated on him

173 replies

TheParisWife · 02/02/2012 17:37

Namechanged.

Today has been an absolutely awful day. I'm completely racked with guilt, scared shitless and confused to what I'm going to do.

Me and DP have been together a year. No children involved, but he keeps on hinting that he was planning to propose :(

Just to give you a bit of a background- me and DP were utterly besotted from the start, so much so that just after 3 weeks of being together, when he got a promotion which meant he'd need to relocate to London- we stayed together and have since maintained a relationship where we see each other every two/three weeks for a long weekend. It's tough, but with Skype and texting it works. Also, I'm working my way up in a business in my hometown- and I'm one tier away from a promotion that would mean a relocation to London too, so the thought of that keeps me going- or so I thought.

Last night at a work birthday party, I ended up getting out of control drunk (Let me really spell this out: I'm not using being drunk as an excuse- just stating it was one of the factors) and having sex with one of my best friends at work. God typing that makes me feel sick. He was just as drunk too, and I don't really know what happened between going to his room (we live in a complex for workers of our company) to get some paracetamol for the morning, and ending up in bed with him. If there was a burning passion in the workplace and lots of flirting- then it would be wrong, but understandable...but this was honestly a platonic friendship. So confused.

Although I don't want to be graphic, the actual sex was literally eight thrusts before I realised that it was wrong, cheap and nasty; a real 'WTF am I doing?!' situation. I apologised for leading him on, but I didn't want to do this- grabbed my things and went back to my room.

I woke up this morning feeling sick but I went to see my friend right away, he was just as ashamed as me and said that'd never speak a word of it to anyone again. We had a hug, and I had a huge crying session. I returned back to my apartment, didn't go to work today and just curled up on the sofa feeling shit and thinking of what I had done to my poor poor taken-for-granted DP who I honestly love with all my heart.

My male friend who I did this disgusting deed with is off abroad to start up some offices and is staying there permanently- so there is a very good chance that I will never have to see him again if I don't want to. I've also written a resignation letter and have applied to a million random jobs in London that are way below what I'm qualified for. I want to get out of here and never ever do something as vile and reckless as this again. I don't want to tell DP as I know for a fact he'd leave me and rightly so...

I know a lot of you are going to use the argument 'but what if he did this to you? wouldn't you want to know?' - but if I'm perfectly honest, if there was no way of finding out and he felt as remorseful and disgusted with himself as I do now. Then no, I probably wouldn't :(

Flame me, give me words of advice, tell me IABVVVVVVU- but nothing you can say will make me feel worse as I do already.

OP posts:

aldiwhore · 02/02/2012 18:29

TheParisWife I didn't read it as you actually counting... 3 shoves and a grunt is a common saying, except there was no grunt.

It does sound that you need more in this relationship than a long weekend every few weeks... that's hard for anyone, especially when there's no other commitment yet, you're part time, your lives haven't fully locked together yet, you've neither of you made sacrifices to be together more... you've messed up, but you're not engaged or married, you're not living together, your crime is in my opinion (and I'm a serial monogymist!) forgiveable, not to be shared and in a way, perfectly understandable.

At least the thrusts were with a friend, you realised (maybe a leeetle late) what you were doing, you've got history with your self esteem and inability to say no (been there) and your previous form of getting caught up in the moment bit you hard. Your life has changed because you've met 'the one' (or one of them) but not changed enough yet for the old life and the new to be totally separate.

You won't always be like this, you won't do this again, you've just woke up. Forgive yourself, in a week or so, when you've gone through all the other emotions. You are not getting what you truly need from your other half, and its nothing to do with sex. Propose to him.

gothicmama · 02/02/2012 18:30

Do not tell it would neither of you any good also it would about you passing you guiltyu feelings on you did the act part of the act you need redemtion and he can't give you that You have been badly treated in the past and sometimes alcohol will bring to the fore the negative image people have of thenselves

So do not tell forgive yourself work on your self esteem and learn to be kind to yourself

MelodyPondering · 02/02/2012 18:30

Don't tell. Just learn from it. Mistakes happen, the trick is saying to yourself that it will never happen again.

I really feel for you, I know how you feel, its horrid, but you will feel better. Don't let this one mistake ruin everything for you and your dp

SlinkingOutsideInFrocks · 02/02/2012 18:30

To be honest, I'm another one who thinks you shouldn't tell him, but...

I would wonder a few things.

Why you would even want to be with someone else like that, even if paralytic drunk, if you're truly in love with your DH. Once I'd met my DH, especially in that first delirious honeymoon year, the thought of sex with someone else was just too abstract a concept.

Might this happen again with someone else if you have these self-esteem issues? You say no, but this happened under the steam of intoxication. Why not again, in another year of 5 years. Do you need to talk to someone about the things in your past bothering you?

I cheated on my ex and never told him. He never found out. We still broke up though on my instigation, because it just wasn't the same aftter that. The 'us' you talk about was irreparably damaged. I also knew in my heart of hearts that if I was cheating on him, then we obviously weren't right for each other and it was the beginning of the end. He deserved better.I broke up with him without him ever knowing and to this day he doesn't know. I knew, though...

StonedRosie · 02/02/2012 18:35

No don't tell him

Although I do think someone must have had some sort of "desire" before this happened.

OriginalJamie · 02/02/2012 18:39

I know this is a cliche, but I really think you would benefit from seeing a psychotherapist, to help you understand why this happened, and help you become less self-flaggelating

Original poster

TheParisWife · 02/02/2012 18:39

SlinkingOutsideInFrocks 1- I suppose it's loneliness. I feel selfish as fuck saying that but I was caught severely off guard and I made a terrible terrible mistake. I think this blends into point number 2- when I finally make that move into our home (DP is desperate for me to move near him) and I have him with me and I have the life I've always wanted, I know this won't happen. I'm not even going to put myself in that position ever again if it means feeling like this :(

3- ....... :(

OP posts:

Original poster

TheParisWife · 02/02/2012 18:41

StonedRosie Honestly. No desire. No feelings of intimacy at all. Obviously he is attractive and there is some tenderness from our friendship, but as soon as I ran out of there I jumped in the shower and tried to 'clean him off me' because I don't feel anything for him..

OP posts:

keepingsecrets · 02/02/2012 18:41

I could have written your post about 8 years ago.

I didn't tell. I was going through an awful time (very close family member dying), got paralytically drunk (out of character) and went home with a colleague. Fled his flat in shame after about 10 minutes.

I was wracked with guilt, so instead of telling I broke up with DP. After about 6 weeks we got back together, I just couldn't be without him. To this day, I have never told him what happened. For me I think that was the right decision. I can't see what telling him would have gained. We subsequently got married and have 2 lovely children. Don't get me wrong, if I think about what I did I feel dreadful, but I've learned to accept it and move on - I don't feel like I am living a lie, although I did for a good while afterwards. I think it's all worked out for the best for us, and more importantly I have learned that I never, ever want to do anything to compromise our relationship or to make me feel so bad again. There is 0% chance of me ever cheating again, no matter what ups and downs we go through, because I know now from experience the effect that it had (and to an extent still has). Maybe if I hadn't made that mistake before I would be less certain about this.

I don't feel, long term, that the "us" has been irreperably damaged. We have built a whole life together and with our children in the years that have passed since this incident, and that is what the "us" now is based on.

There is (to my mind) a huge difference between a thought out affair and a drunken fumble which you instantly regret. Don't make life changing decisions on the basis of something which you didn't actually make a decision to do in the first place, but which was fuelled by alcohol.

LeBOF · 02/02/2012 18:42

How have you applied for a million jobs and written a resignation letter in one day? Are you sure? Because that sounds a little bit silly.

aldiwhore · 02/02/2012 18:42

I believe you won't do it again. (((hug)))

salmonskinroll · 02/02/2012 18:43

Op this only happened last night, you are very raw still and probably reeling.

Give yourself a couple of weeks to come to terms with it, think about it.

Don't make rash decisions now.

Once you tell him you cannot take it back, but you could tell him further down the line if you feel you can't live with it.

Archemedes · 02/02/2012 18:43

You seem pretty remorseful so I don't think anyone should be flaming towards you.

However you do need to examine how someone as 'utterly besotted' banged the first thing you brushed up against after a few drinks. Surely it would take more?

but I dunno only you know the full situation

tinierclanger · 02/02/2012 18:45

I think if you don't tell him, you are going to torture yourself with this forever. And carry on thinking he is worth more than you. I think you need to tell him.

Original poster

TheParisWife · 02/02/2012 18:46

Thank you for sharing keepingsecrets

OP posts:

PuggyMum · 02/02/2012 18:48

I havent read all the posts but didn't want to read run.

No one can beat you up more than you are already and I really think you can move on from this.

Work on your guilt. I bet you do good things that far far outweigh the bad.

Put an underline under it (sounds like your friend wants to too) and if anyone at work is suspicious deny deny deny.

We are all only human and can make mistakes. This is one you can get over.

X x

Original poster

TheParisWife · 02/02/2012 18:48

LeBOF A rushed resignation letter which was probably wrote out of guilt, and okay- not a million- but about 18 online applications doesn't really take all day.

OP posts:

SlinkingOutsideInFrocks · 02/02/2012 18:48

I don't mean to make you feel bad about my point 3 - there are clearly people posting on this thread who have got past it, and rigorously so IYKWIM - now in great, solid relationships.

It was just how I felt about my relationship - it was the beginning of the end for me.

Only you know your relationship and there's obviously a back catalogue of issues that you're dealing with that I didn't have.

Bunbaker · 02/02/2012 18:52

While I don't condone cheating, I don't think there is anything to be gained by telling your boyfriend. At best he will never trust you and at worst he will tell you to get lost. Might I suggest you make sure your workmate hasb't passed anything on to you.

Shakey1500 · 02/02/2012 18:57

Another hug from me. You are still too close to the event (today) to think clearly. Be kind to yourself, give yourself a few days to clear your head and THEN think about what you want to do. I agree with exploring your psyche a little. Mistakes are made and nobody is perfect, go easy. All the best.

Original poster

TheParisWife · 02/02/2012 19:20

Makes sense. I will sleep on it.

Dreading sleeping tonight.

OP posts:

cornforth · 02/02/2012 19:28

I'd keep quiet. If you tell him you are doing him no favours - it's to offload your own sense of guilt. Put this behind you. But I do wonder why you have done this if you are still in the honeymoon period. Might make more sense if you'd been married ten years etc. But if you are sure it was pissed recklessness and regret it with all your heart I would learn from it and put it behind you. Good luck. We're all human, mistakes happen.

TupperwareTwat · 02/02/2012 19:41

I feel for you AND your DP. Don't tell him.

End the relationship. It can never work now and you know you don't deserve him. You don't need to look at his face every day and be reminded how shit you have been to him.

SiamoNellaMerda · 02/02/2012 19:42

I think you should stop beating yourself up right now. This minute. Shit happens you know - and it just happened to you. You can analyse this to death and it will still have happened.
I absolutely do not think you should tell him - for what? Who will be the better for it? Nobody. The awful rawness of it will fade sooner than you think and in the grand scheme of Life Changing Secrets Never To Be Told this is way down the bottom of the list.
Bottom line is you got pissed, made a mistake, realised this before it became too too big of a mistake and now you need to put it behind you. We've all got secrets - don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Be good to yourself - you are not a bad person.

salmonskinroll · 02/02/2012 19:42

Tupperware that's complete rubbish

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