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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not tell DP that I cheated on him

173 replies

TheParisWife · 02/02/2012 17:37

Namechanged.

Today has been an absolutely awful day. I'm completely racked with guilt, scared shitless and confused to what I'm going to do.

Me and DP have been together a year. No children involved, but he keeps on hinting that he was planning to propose :(

Just to give you a bit of a background- me and DP were utterly besotted from the start, so much so that just after 3 weeks of being together, when he got a promotion which meant he'd need to relocate to London- we stayed together and have since maintained a relationship where we see each other every two/three weeks for a long weekend. It's tough, but with Skype and texting it works. Also, I'm working my way up in a business in my hometown- and I'm one tier away from a promotion that would mean a relocation to London too, so the thought of that keeps me going- or so I thought.

Last night at a work birthday party, I ended up getting out of control drunk (Let me really spell this out: I'm not using being drunk as an excuse- just stating it was one of the factors) and having sex with one of my best friends at work. God typing that makes me feel sick. He was just as drunk too, and I don't really know what happened between going to his room (we live in a complex for workers of our company) to get some paracetamol for the morning, and ending up in bed with him. If there was a burning passion in the workplace and lots of flirting- then it would be wrong, but understandable...but this was honestly a platonic friendship. So confused.

Although I don't want to be graphic, the actual sex was literally eight thrusts before I realised that it was wrong, cheap and nasty; a real 'WTF am I doing?!' situation. I apologised for leading him on, but I didn't want to do this- grabbed my things and went back to my room.

I woke up this morning feeling sick but I went to see my friend right away, he was just as ashamed as me and said that'd never speak a word of it to anyone again. We had a hug, and I had a huge crying session. I returned back to my apartment, didn't go to work today and just curled up on the sofa feeling shit and thinking of what I had done to my poor poor taken-for-granted DP who I honestly love with all my heart.

My male friend who I did this disgusting deed with is off abroad to start up some offices and is staying there permanently- so there is a very good chance that I will never have to see him again if I don't want to. I've also written a resignation letter and have applied to a million random jobs in London that are way below what I'm qualified for. I want to get out of here and never ever do something as vile and reckless as this again. I don't want to tell DP as I know for a fact he'd leave me and rightly so...

I know a lot of you are going to use the argument 'but what if he did this to you? wouldn't you want to know?' - but if I'm perfectly honest, if there was no way of finding out and he felt as remorseful and disgusted with himself as I do now. Then no, I probably wouldn't :(

Flame me, give me words of advice, tell me IABVVVVVVU- but nothing you can say will make me feel worse as I do already.

OP posts:
McHappyPants2012 · 02/02/2012 19:43

I would tell him, a relationship should be built on trust not secrets and lies

FlangelinaBallerina · 02/02/2012 19:45

You came on here partially hoping to get all the abuse you think you deserve, didn't you?

Fwiw, I think its more moral not to tell him. Coming clean would be about you, not him, and not done with his best interests in mind. You'd be doing it at least in part to assuage your guilt. It would lead to him suffering, when he's done nothing to deserve it. No, I think your punishment, if you like, is dealing with this by yourself, without getting the release of a confession. I also think you might be more likely to take this on board than some of the more sympathetic posts that tell you to do the same thing.

AlbertoFrog · 02/02/2012 19:51

I can totally understand how you can be so drunk that you're not totally in control of your behaviour. Been there. That's why I now always stop drinking before I get drunk.

Agree with others who ask if you're the type of person who can keep something like this secret or whether it would eat away at you. I'd rather be told something momentous like that at the time, not months or years down the line, then at least I'd be able to make a decision based on honesty. However, if my DH did what you did and truly regretted it and made damn sure it would never happen again. I don't think I'd want to know.

Also agree that maybe some counselling would help you, not only with this situation but to address past issues. Firstly though, forgive yourself.

Oh, and was it safe sex? Morning after pill and check up probably in order too!

FlangelinaBallerina · 02/02/2012 19:54

Yes, you need to go to the GUM clinic tomorrow for a check up, if there was no condom. This is one thing you absolutely owe your boyfriend.

EirikurNoromaour · 02/02/2012 20:03

Hmm
You will always know you cheated and lied to him. Even if you get over your guilt it will always be there. It will be a wedge between you for a long time. Not forever necessarily, but the wedge could do irreparable damage to your relationship before it goes away by itself.

I have cheated on DH and he has cheated on me. We are both glad we know about them. If I didn't know, and found out years down the line, I'd feel pretty shit.

But on the other hand, I know 100% I won't cheat again. If you can say the same...well. Maybe don't tell.

igggi · 02/02/2012 20:03

Tuperwaretwat, you do sound like one. Hmm
I love the fact you would end a relationship without even giving the guy the chance to say he can get over it! (May have done the same for all we know).

tomkittensmittens · 02/02/2012 20:10

TOTALLY agree with Flangelina. This is your problem to deal with - don't make it his. You might feel better after telling him, but he won't feel better for knowing. If you can't work out why it happened and put it behind you then you might have to look at whether you can continue in the relationship, but certainly don't do anything rash.

calypso2008 · 02/02/2012 20:15

Dear OP, please calm down.

You are not married, you do not have children, you are moving heaven and earth to be with a man you are hoping will propose. Say absolutely NOTHING. I agree with Flangelina, you would be telling him to assuage your own guilt and what good would it do?

My friend did the same, before a proposal, I said to her the same thing... you are still single, you have no engagement ring on your finger. She is happily married with 2 dcs now - do you think she told him or did it again? Of course not.

Really, as some other lovely poster said up thread, in the scale of big secrets, this is nothing. Honestly. And, you are not a bad person - at all. But do get checked out if you didn't use a condom, then - literally wipe it from your mind, you have obviously learned your lesson and I factor in stress as the main culprit here.

ps, you do not need therapy because of this, that is ridiculous.

CamperFan · 02/02/2012 20:24

As much as I sympathise, I have to disagree with this: Shit happens you know - and it just happened to you.

It didn't "just happen" ffs - she slept with someone else. Her choice. Just a really bad one.

CamperFan · 02/02/2012 20:25

Calypso, posters are suggesting she needs therapy due to her history with crappy men/self-esteem issues, not this incident alone.

calypso2008 · 02/02/2012 20:33

Oh, who hasn't had a crappy man or had low self esteem at one point?

OP - two words - damage limitation.
Take care of yourself

Xmasbaby11 · 02/02/2012 20:36

I wouldn't tell him.

Chubfuddler · 02/02/2012 20:38

I've never done this but if my husband did it I wouldn't want to know. One of my best friends cheated in her husband with a colleague before they were married , he doesn't know to this day. Say nothing.

CamperFan · 02/02/2012 20:38

Oh I agree with you. But doesn't mean she couldn't benefit from some therapy. I probably could! Grin

OP, I hope you feel a bit better after a good nights sleep.

PacificDogwood · 02/02/2012 20:42

Just another thought re the whole 'not telling is lying' (it is, of course) thing: the one set of circumstances in which lying/omitting the thruth is justifyable is to save somebody else some hurt. 'Yes, mother, the jumper you gave me is lovely' is IMO preferable to the Truth, the Whole Truth and Nothing But The Truth.

I think always being brutally honest can sometimes be selfish in that it just gives you the moral highground with no regard to the consequences for others.

And of course I have no idea whether or not the OP 'needs therapy', none of us do, but the kind of previous relationships she described can have very longterm effects on how somebody handles a new person actually treating them well. Just sayin'.

Totally agree with the damage limitation though Grin.

trixie123 · 02/02/2012 20:42

OP: Absolutely DON"T do anything yet, give yourself a few days / weeks to get your head around it. I think ultimately it comes down to the type of person YOU are. I have always been able to keep sex and emotions very separate and have had flings whilst in long term relationships that I cared a lot about. They happened because I had an opportunity and I was attracted to the flingee for a few hours. I never considered that they had anything whatsoever to do with my then DP or my feelings for him and never told him and never had conscience qualms. That's just they way I am. However, I know that that is not terribly common and IF this is something that you feel would always "taint" your relationship then you'll have to risk telling him, but not for his sake. It has nothing to do with disrespecting him, it was a drunken fumble for god's sake, its really not hard to get into these situations. No, if you tell him, its so that you are able to progress in the relationship knowing he knows. If you think YOU can get over it and won't blurt it out 5 years, a mortgage and two kids down the line, then don't tell.. And please stop beating yourself up - its just sex. I would think it worse if you'd been seeing this guy for drinks, meals, cinema visits and long country walks.

whackamole · 02/02/2012 20:42

Don't tell him. It will do nothing apart from make him feel as bad as you.

Live for the moment when you can properly be together and have some counselling if the guilt gets really bad.

Morloth · 02/02/2012 20:47

I think secrets and lies are no way to enter a marriage. Your DP has the right to decide whether he wants to continue with you after this.

This is a huge betrayal IMO/IME, it would end DH and I.

ImperialBlether · 02/02/2012 20:47

I wondered why your friend was crying, too. Would he have liked a relationship with you, if you were single?

About your boyfriend, it is very, very stressful having a long distance relationship and I can understand you feel very lonely. I think this should teach you something serious - you shouldn't drink so much - have a limit which is far less than the point where you become reckless and talk to your boyfriend seriously about your future and tell him you worry about what will happen to you both if you stay apart for a long time.

If he suspects, then yes, you should tell him. There's nothing worse than feeling suspicious; it eats you up. It might be easier to not see him for a bit longer, if you don't want to tell him. If you see him soon, it's inevitable you'll tell him.

calypso2008 · 02/02/2012 20:49

Yep, I could probably do with some therapy too Camperfan :)

oiwheresthecoffee · 02/02/2012 21:02

I dont think i could not tell someone..i couldnt live with the guilt of lying to my DP forever. Thats not to say i think you should. How do you think he would re act ? Badly i suppose. I dont think anyone can say whats the best thing to do but im wishing you luck with it :)

oiwheresthecoffee · 02/02/2012 21:05

The thing is. Im one of those people that could forgive cheating in the way you describe but i would struggle with the lying. Im not helping am i ? Sorry OP.

PfftTheMagicDraco · 02/02/2012 21:06

You should tell him.

You aren't married, you don't have children. He deserves to be able to make the choice to have those things with you with all the information available.

DunderMifflin · 02/02/2012 21:10

Don't tell him - I wouldn't want to know and if you're sure about him and know he won't find out, what's the point of the angst?

rhondajean · 02/02/2012 21:28

I have thought about this and I thought, if it was my DH, would I want to know.

And what would I do if I did.

In the circumstances you describe, I'd get over it. In a way, if he did it, I'd want him to tell me so he didn't carry it with him for years, if that makes any sense.if he made a habit of it, I'd feel differently. But I wouldn't want to throw our life together away for a moment of madness and poor judgement.

I don't know if that helps? But you do owe it to him to get yourself checked out at a clinic, I would say even if there was a condom.