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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not tell DP that I cheated on him

173 replies

TheParisWife · 02/02/2012 17:37

Namechanged.

Today has been an absolutely awful day. I'm completely racked with guilt, scared shitless and confused to what I'm going to do.

Me and DP have been together a year. No children involved, but he keeps on hinting that he was planning to propose :(

Just to give you a bit of a background- me and DP were utterly besotted from the start, so much so that just after 3 weeks of being together, when he got a promotion which meant he'd need to relocate to London- we stayed together and have since maintained a relationship where we see each other every two/three weeks for a long weekend. It's tough, but with Skype and texting it works. Also, I'm working my way up in a business in my hometown- and I'm one tier away from a promotion that would mean a relocation to London too, so the thought of that keeps me going- or so I thought.

Last night at a work birthday party, I ended up getting out of control drunk (Let me really spell this out: I'm not using being drunk as an excuse- just stating it was one of the factors) and having sex with one of my best friends at work. God typing that makes me feel sick. He was just as drunk too, and I don't really know what happened between going to his room (we live in a complex for workers of our company) to get some paracetamol for the morning, and ending up in bed with him. If there was a burning passion in the workplace and lots of flirting- then it would be wrong, but understandable...but this was honestly a platonic friendship. So confused.

Although I don't want to be graphic, the actual sex was literally eight thrusts before I realised that it was wrong, cheap and nasty; a real 'WTF am I doing?!' situation. I apologised for leading him on, but I didn't want to do this- grabbed my things and went back to my room.

I woke up this morning feeling sick but I went to see my friend right away, he was just as ashamed as me and said that'd never speak a word of it to anyone again. We had a hug, and I had a huge crying session. I returned back to my apartment, didn't go to work today and just curled up on the sofa feeling shit and thinking of what I had done to my poor poor taken-for-granted DP who I honestly love with all my heart.

My male friend who I did this disgusting deed with is off abroad to start up some offices and is staying there permanently- so there is a very good chance that I will never have to see him again if I don't want to. I've also written a resignation letter and have applied to a million random jobs in London that are way below what I'm qualified for. I want to get out of here and never ever do something as vile and reckless as this again. I don't want to tell DP as I know for a fact he'd leave me and rightly so...

I know a lot of you are going to use the argument 'but what if he did this to you? wouldn't you want to know?' - but if I'm perfectly honest, if there was no way of finding out and he felt as remorseful and disgusted with himself as I do now. Then no, I probably wouldn't :(

Flame me, give me words of advice, tell me IABVVVVVVU- but nothing you can say will make me feel worse as I do already.

OP posts:
grooveisintheheartahahahah · 02/02/2012 17:56

I feel sorry for you Sad What a sad story. No judgement here.

If it helps, in any way, I have a friend who did a very similar thing at Uni. Her and her DP were living in different countries and she drunkenly slept with someone else once even though she was madly in love with her DP.

She didn't tell, this was around 15 years ago and they are very happily married with two DC.

Hope you are ok.

yellowraincoat · 02/02/2012 17:58

salmonskinroll, I've done stupid stuff like that when drunk too. Wasn't secretly attracted to the person at all, I just have no inhibitions when drunk.

Tee2072 · 02/02/2012 17:59

I think you need to do some very deep soul searching to figure out what really led to those 10 minutes and then decide what to do next.

CamperFan · 02/02/2012 18:00

I agree with some of the above posters - I find it hard to accept letting someone propose, given the betrayal. It's wrong and disrespectful. You're talking about spending the rest of your life together, but you'd be telling such a huge lie...I don't know. Personally I think you should accept the consequences of telling him. How would he feel if he found out, after you were married for example, years down the line? Don't assume that won't happen.

I do feel sorry for you OP. No one can tell you what to do, only you know if you can live with consequences, whichever way you decide to go.

salmonskinroll · 02/02/2012 18:01

Ok, ive never been completely drunk so I guess I cannot relate at all and was interested.

Is it possible for people to sleep with anyone when blind drunk then? Say your siblings/female friends? Or would you know that is wrong, even though completely pissed? Serious question.

OriginalJamie · 02/02/2012 18:01

I agree with salmonskinroll. don't really understand how that can happen.

No flaming. You must feel really distraught. I know I would. But I couldn't keep it a secret.

I think I'd have to tell. Apart from anything else, I assume you didn't use a condom? I hope you are OK.

I'm not sure it's that great a sign that you are convinced he'd leave you, actually.

Original poster
TheParisWife · 02/02/2012 18:02

PacificDogwood

  • I don't know if he'll leave me for sure obviously, but even if he doesn't, he'll always think about me in that way.

In tears typing this, but I have been used by men from the age of 15, leading me on, having a hidden agenda, having 3 of us on the go. My naivety in my younger years left me with a lack of self respect and I had a long time coming to terms with the fact that all of these men that I thought I loved did not respect me, and didn't give a fuck about me.

When I met DP a year ago, he was so overwhelmingly perfect and respectful. I told him about my checkered past and run-ins with DV and cheats from the start, and he just held me and said he'd never treat me like that or allow me to be put in that position again.

If he found out about what I did to him, then he'll see me just like the rest of them saw me: cheap, easy and disgusting.

I could scream. I'm hurting so much for him and 'us'

OP posts:
carabos · 02/02/2012 18:02

Why would you tell your DP? Why does he need to know? To make you feel like you've done the right thing. How does that work then? You love him, you aren't interested in the other guy, he's not interested in you. There is absolutely nothing to be gained from telling. I'm afraid I take the view that in these circumstances, what he diesn't know, can't hurt him. One caveat - you must never tell anyone else either - whispering grass and all that.

And BTW, I'm amused that you say you were so drunk that you can't really recall exactly what happened, but not so drunk that you didn't count the thrusts. I mean WTAF? Who does that?

Finallyfinally · 02/02/2012 18:02

I think it depends on you. Are you really the type of person who isn't going to tell this, ever? Who's not going to decide that, actually, you can't live with the guilt, and isn't going to fess up at some stage down the line?

Because the thing is, much as you love your DP, you have no children yet, no mortgage, no marriage. If you were to tell him further down the track after he had made those commitments to you he may feel he made them under false premises. And he may leave at that point. And then it wouldn't just be your unhappiness.

Molehillmountain · 02/02/2012 18:05

Don't tell him. It would assuage your guilt but probably at the cost of your relationship. He would be worse off so would you. If you really love him, make sure that any underlying issues that led you to be drunk and sleeping with someone else are dealt with, be it boredom or complacency or whatever. Then move on. But obviously never do it again.

OriginalJamie · 02/02/2012 18:05

TheParisWife - Oh you poor thing. So this conviction that he'd leave is partly based on the fact that you feel you would deserve that?

I'm not sure what to say. I would hope he'd see how upset you are.

salmonskinroll · 02/02/2012 18:05

Agree with carabos on counting the thrusts. 8 is very specific too...

PacificDogwood · 02/02/2012 18:06

Oh, you poor thing Sad!
Of course your sefl-esteem will be easily knocked.
I think Tee is right, you should make it a priority to figure out why you did what you did - as you say yourself, alcohol disinhibits, but it does not force you to do something that is totally contrary to what you might do sober.
Before doing anything rash wrt your OH, consider counselling/therapy, simply to find out more about yourself, I mean.

EnjoyResponsibly · 02/02/2012 18:08

No, this is one of those times when you definitely do not tell.

Your guilt seems genuine. If that's true what good will unburdening yourself do.

Stay right away from your friend. Get yourself checked for STI.

But never, ever tell a soul. Ever.

Original poster
TheParisWife · 02/02/2012 18:10

salmonskinroll and carabos - I wasn't counting the thrusts :( It was just an approximation and a way of saying he was literally 'in me' for about 20 seconds

OP posts:
salmonskinroll · 02/02/2012 18:15

Forgive me if I'm wrong but if you that drunk you would've woken up the next day/few hours later. I guess it sobered you up though.

Just trying to get the whole picture here.

I still think you shouldn't tell him but definitely don't put yourself in that position again, dont drink so much if you can't trust yourself with it.

Don't be too hard on yourself

myfirstnamechanges · 02/02/2012 18:17

I've namechanged as I don't want my DH to know this (and he reads MN sometimes).

I've done this. My relationship was a long-distance one for two years after university and I did a similar thing. Had too much, pal took me home, and we did the same, except he stayed the night and I woke up, took one look at him and burst into tears.

I never told my BF. Ever. Luckily, the lad knew me well and knew what I felt for my boyfriend and promised not to say anything either.

We moved in together about six months later and I've never, ever, ever regretted not telling him. I've been totally and absolutely faithful ever since, and that's over thirty years ago. We have a rock solid marriage and I love him madly.

So, I would say, if you really and truly think you love your DP and will love him forever, don't say a word. You won't stop feeling guilty for a long time, but you will eventually.

Aribura · 02/02/2012 18:18

Can't believe people think it's no big deal. Oh wow, "only" 8 thrusts. Of some other man's cock inside you, followed up by probable hiding and lying to your partner about it. Sure, no big deal. Hmm

Tell him because he has every right to make an informed decision about staying with you. Anything else is deception. If you really "love" him, you won't attempt to deceive him for your own selfish wishes for him to keep you, when it's your fault.

I repeat: IF YOU DO NOT TELL HIM, THIS IS DECEIT. Bad enough to cheat, but then lying on top of it?

I'm going to get flamed, but it had to be said. Harsh but fair comment. Sorry.

Original poster
TheParisWife · 02/02/2012 18:19

salmonskinroll You are wrong :( We didn't have sex, come, then fall asleep in paralectic bliss. He entered me, then almost instantly something snapped in me, and I just knew that what I was doing wasn't right- hence why I pushed him off me, apologized, got my shit together, and ran back to my apartment crying.

OP posts:
Pixieonthemoor · 02/02/2012 18:20

No flaming from me, either! I am so sorry. Another vote here for not telling. Just chalk it up to experience, try not to get that pissed again if your do isn't around and move on. No point letting your past and a silly mistake screw up your future with a lovely man. Also, there is no point in making him feel as appalling as you clearly do. Once again, I do sympathise and I hope you feel able to look at yourself in the mirror again soon.

igggi · 02/02/2012 18:21

You only see eachother once or twice a month at most. You have been used to getting off with men in the past, maybe seeing that as your role. You had a bucket load of booze. It's good that you feel guilty, as that means you regret it and don't want to do it again. You should only tell if you think it might ever happen again, imo.

Original poster
TheParisWife · 02/02/2012 18:21

Thank you for all your stories. I was expecting pure abuse. Hell, I deserve pure abuse.

OP posts:
salmonskinroll · 02/02/2012 18:23

I agree in some ways aribura

However, the op isn't married, don't live together, no dcs and its a long distance thing. If she had any of those I would say come clean.

Also, she was completely drunk, has no feelings for this man, there was no emotional intimacy, it was not an affair. It was a shitty mistake and I'm sure we can all agree the op regrets it hugely. She will most probably lose this man if she tells and it sounds like she does deserve a good bloke after all the shit ones.

oranges · 02/02/2012 18:23

I would normally say don't tell, but it sounds Pariswife as if you are going to end up feeling rotten and worthless about yourself if you don't tell and could end up sabotaging the relationship in some other way. In this case, it may be worth telling your dp.

Tee2072 · 02/02/2012 18:26

I think you may have answered my question.

You say you're about to be promoted and moved to London so you and your DP can finally be together. Are you perhaps terrified to finally get what you want and so you've done the first thing you (subconsciously) could think of to fuck it up?

Something to think about, at least.

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