to not tell DP that I cheated on him

[TheParisWife]

Namechanged.

Today has been an absolutely awful day. I'm completely racked with guilt, scared shitless and confused to what I'm going to do.

Me and DP have been together a year. No children involved, but he keeps on hinting that he was planning to propose :(

Just to give you a bit of a background- me and DP were utterly besotted from the start, so much so that just after 3 weeks of being together, when he got a promotion which meant he'd need to relocate to London- we stayed together and have since maintained a relationship where we see each other every two/three weeks for a long weekend. It's tough, but with Skype and texting it works. Also, I'm working my way up in a business in my hometown- and I'm one tier away from a promotion that would mean a relocation to London too, so the thought of that keeps me going- or so I thought.

Last night at a work birthday party, I ended up getting out of control drunk (Let me really spell this out: I'm not using being drunk as an excuse- just stating it was one of the factors) and having sex with one of my best friends at work. God typing that makes me feel sick. He was just as drunk too, and I don't really know what happened between going to his room (we live in a complex for workers of our company) to get some paracetamol for the morning, and ending up in bed with him. If there was a burning passion in the workplace and lots of flirting- then it would be wrong, but understandable...but this was honestly a platonic friendship. So confused.

Although I don't want to be graphic, the actual sex was literally eight thrusts before I realised that it was wrong, cheap and nasty; a real 'WTF am I doing?!' situation. I apologised for leading him on, but I didn't want to do this- grabbed my things and went back to my room.

I woke up this morning feeling sick but I went to see my friend right away, he was just as ashamed as me and said that'd never speak a word of it to anyone again. We had a hug, and I had a huge crying session. I returned back to my apartment, didn't go to work today and just curled up on the sofa feeling shit and thinking of what I had done to my poor poor taken-for-granted DP who I honestly love with all my heart.

My male friend who I did this disgusting deed with is off abroad to start up some offices and is staying there permanently- so there is a very good chance that I will never have to see him again if I don't want to. I've also written a resignation letter and have applied to a million random jobs in London that are way below what I'm qualified for. I want to get out of here and never ever do something as vile and reckless as this again. I don't want to tell DP as I know for a fact he'd leave me and rightly so...

I know a lot of you are going to use the argument 'but what if he did this to you? wouldn't you want to know?' - but if I'm perfectly honest, if there was no way of finding out and he felt as remorseful and disgusted with himself as I do now. Then no, I probably wouldn't :(

Flame me, give me words of advice, tell me IABVVVVVVU- but nothing you can say will make me feel worse as I do already.

The difference is in a new relationship you wouldnt be surprised your partner had had sex with someone else in the (possibly recent) past so with that info you can make your own decision on protection.

It is different in a committed relationship, you trust that the other person has told you of any potential problems and you make your protection decisions based on that trust.

The trust has been broken here, the DP will not be in possession of all the information he needs to decide whether to use protection or not because he trusts the OP.

If DH did this and didn't tell me I would be exposed to all potential STDs the other person had due to my trust in him. That is unforgiveable even if I could get past the cheating.

I think that saying that the OP should get a STD check is more about punishing her than a reasonable assessment of the risks involved. Very, very few people get STD checks each time they have unprotected sex.

I don't think I cold live with the guilt of this and so would have to tell him. But I have a friend who has done this and not told and she doesn't feel particularly bad at all. Only you know OP if you are the sort to be able to get over it. The rest of us don't, frankly.

dodie do you know fabbychic? Maybe the two of you should get together and form a halfwit.

Don't say a word! Don't resign! You're in a relationship, you're not married, you're not even engaged at the mo. These things happen - whether you let it mess up your job and your relationship is up to you, but I definitely wouldn't resign or tell.

So, to everyone who says the OP should get a STD check...quick question.

Have you had a STD check every time you have had unprotected sex with a new person?

OP - you are a human being, complete with flaws, like the rest of us.

You sound like a very decent woman, otherwise you would feel no guilt. Put it down to one of life's many mistakes that you learn from and do not repeat. If it were me I would not say anything to my partner it will hurt him. Like you say, you will probably never see him again (your friend). Put it out of your mind.

You do what you can live with. I couldn't keep this kind of secret without feeling like a complete arsehole. If DH did this to me, I'd absolutely want the coutresy of having all the facts before I chose how to proceed with my life.

I think, personally, that you have punished yourself enough.
We are all human and we all make mistakes. You made a big one but I doubt there is a single person on this thread who has not made an utter cockup at some point in their lives.
You know it was a mistake and you feel all the shame and guilt that goes with it.

I think that you miss your partner very much, possibly more than you realise, and last night whilst your defences were down you yearned to be with someone and that got the better of you.
But as soon as you realised what you were doing, you stopped doing it and left.

This is not an affair by any means.

I would not tell him, but only you know if you could live with the guilt. For some people, it eats away at them and eventually destroys them anyway.

You've tried to put it right. You know you won't see this other man again and tbh there is no reason why he would tell anyone. It's not as if you are married or that he wanted an affair. He's moving abroad soon and so there is no reason why he would blab, esp as it would make him look like such a dick too. I wonder if he's worrying about the very same things?

I would put it behind you, keep your head down and focus on getting that promotion and moving to London.
Time will heal this and you might find that given a few months you hardly think of this at all. Right now you are over-reacting and are determined to give yourself a good beating over this.

Would your partner not want to know why you are leaving your job?

If you cannot live with the guilt then tell him. TBH I've always said that if dh cheated on me, that would be us over. But if dh recounted your tale to me, whilst I would be gutted I wouldn't end our marriage. And that's me married with two kids. You haven't made that final commitment yet.

It's up to you but you are really punishing yourself over this and I reckon that's enough. The shame and guilt you feel will always be a reminder of this mistake, but you must now move on from this. You've learnt your lesson the hard way.

And fwiw, I would get a check up just in case. I hope a condom was involved but if not, for your own peace of mind, just get yourself checked out.

I'm not just thinking of STDs.

Worst case scenario and it's highly unlikely, but no harm in having a check up is there?

I think if you told him, with all the guilt that you feel and the obvious shame, he'd forgive you. That's my feeling. Because it takes a brave and honest person to fess up and hopefully that's what he will see. Because you don't HAVE to tell him do you? If you choose to, then I would take that as an example of how committed you are to him.

Dodie you still don't get it do you?

Read morloth's post she explains it far better than I could.

And to answer your question, if I had unprotected sex with someone I wasn't in an exclusive relationship with, then yes I would have an STI test.

QuintessentialyHollow, I had similar thoughts... it's not exactly consentual if you're drunk, is it, OP?

FWIW, you sound like you could do with talking to someone about this sort of thing (not just this incident, but the past and bad luck that you've had since you were, what, 15?).

In a rush, not read every post but just wanted to say PLEASE FORGIVE YOURSELF OP. You are human, you made a mistake, you tried to stop something in the middle of it happening because you knew it was wrong. I doubt you will feel less guilty even if you do tell your partner. Telling him won't achieve anything positive, so dont tell him. Time will heal your guilt, but please go easy on yourself.

Very, very few people get STD checks each time they have unprotected sex.

Bullshit. And if they don't they are idiots. An sti check is the bare minimum a person should do before having unprotected sex with their partner again! What kind of person wouldn't? Imagine if op has picked something up, and passes it to her boyfriend? He wouldn't have any reason to get a test would he, and some stis can cause serious health problems if they are left untreated.

Those using LDR as an excuse for betrayal - gag. No, it isn't.

Dodie, congratulations on saying something even more fucking stupid in your second post than your first. What's punishment about going to a clinic and doing a piss sample? Attitudes like that contribute to the stigma about testing. WannaBe wrote it in a slightly less silly way than you did, but saying things like that is totally unhelpful. The main person here who would benefit from an STI test is OP, if she had unprotected sex. Do you two have any idea how common chlamydia is? Or what the consequences can be? I hope not, because I'd hate to think you did know and yet would throw around the sort of remarks that might put someone off getting tested. With people like you on her side, who needs enemies?

And as it happens, I did get a test the one and only time I began sleeping with a partner without condoms, and so did the person I was about to begin abandoning condoms with. Neither of us had actually had condom free sex before, but nonetheless we wanted to be sure. I was and remain STI free, fortunately, and it was well worth the clinic visit.

I realised right away that I needed to have an STD, I'm going in tomorrow. I feel dirty and diseased enough as it is.

Today was easier. I still hate myself but I went to work and now I'm going out to dinner.

:(

an STD test*, sorry

Good choice. There's no reason to add untreated chlamydia to an already difficult situation.

I am obviously older than a lot of you and come from an age when unprotected sex was pretty much the norm. I was lucky that I never got an STD, but I did, like the OP get myself so wound up that I convinced myself I had one and working at a major teaching hospital at the time had to schlep across London to one where I would not be recognised. So I can tell you now, as far as I remember there is no peeing involved, just an internal, a swab and a blood test.

OP, I am sorry that this has happened, but frankly, you will get over it. It is up to you but for me I think you would only be telling your OH to assuage your own guilt... learn to live with it and get over it. You have been given lots of advice on here, much of it is black and white, sadly you will discover that most of life is a murky grey. My advice to you is to get the thread deleted and get on with your life as best you can and not pick at this particular scab any longer.

In the meantime, move along everyone, nothing to be seen here.

It may have changed since your test LL. When I had one, I did a pee sample. No swabs unless you're symptomatic (by that I think they meant if you're having certain types of discharge they need to test that). And bloods for HIV of course. Maybe it varies by PCT?

Glad you came back, ParisWife.

Life is so rarely back and white though, Morloth - I agree with your sentiment in theory, in practice however... Personally I'd rather not know. Although if I knew I'd forgive. I think... An 'emotional' affair however, I could not cope with at all.

And I also agree with whoever mentioned the 'confirmatory shag' - not uncommon at all.

Re STDs: of course the only responsible course of action is to be checked and the OP is doing this. Sadly, lots and lots and LOTS of people don't - just like they don't tell ex-partners when they have been diagnosed with something.

I am not in the habit of having any sort of sex with new people, if I was then yes, everytime I didnt use protection I would have a test.

I think having unprotected sex with new people is like playing Russian roulette

Fine if that is what you want to do, but the DP here hasn't agreed to a game of roulette.

OP, you are not any of the horrible words you have called yourself, you really aren't. You made a big mistake. Own the mistake. Think about why you made it. But don't compound it by trying to hide it. That hardly ever works.

As someone upthread said these things have a way of coming out. Try to imagine how it would feel to find this out a few years down the line with a couple of kids. His choices will be limited then and the betrayal will have gone on for a long time.

Well I guess PacificDogwood the OP will have to decide whether her DP is the head in the sand type or not.

It doesn't sound like he is from what she has written, as she pretty clear that he would end it if he knew.

I couldn't carry this sort of baggage into a marriage. IME secrets and lies are poison in a relationship.