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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think the carer of this girl with learning disabilities needs telling!

575 replies

mummy2stan · 31/01/2012 10:27

I take my son to a activity centre a couple of times a week and there is a young woman in there all the time who is clearly mentally handicapped, whilst I have no problem at all with this I do have one with the so called carers that are with her. Two weeks ago whilst my 18 month old son was sat in a high chair having his lunch, the girl came over started pinching his cheek and saying BOO really loudly and in his face, my son is a shy boy and isn't good with strangers anyway so at first he just stared and then after about 5 BOOS started to cry, I smiled politely at the carer who was stood with the girl saying ......gently.... Gently now.... And she did nothing to stop her until he was crying his heart out at which she then pulled the girl away. And then yesterday I watched as the girl followed a 2 year old around saying ... You've been naughty .... You've been naughty... Till the 2 year old got to her mother clearly upset, then the girl proceeded to try to pick her up, pulling her away from her mother, and all the while the carer is stood beside her saying nothing!!!! Now. Whilst I understand this girl may well have the mental age of 5 she is intact at least 20 yrs old and I don't think she should be allowed to behave this way towards other children. If she knows no wrong in it, then the carers should stop it before it makes other children cry! Why should we accept it because she's disabled? I feel I may have to speak to the manager if she approaches my son again because I take him there so he can interact with other children, not be pestered and scared by another adult. Once again my problem is not with the girl as such, more the people who are supposed to be watching her. Am I wrong to complain if she upsets him?

OP posts:
donnie · 31/01/2012 11:17

she asked a reasonable question and gets shot down and flamed for daring to use an outmoded expression - it's like the Salem bloody witch trials on this thread.
Like I said, Stalinist.

Dillydaydreaming · 31/01/2012 11:18

Hello OP, I agree with others about the apropriateness of this centre for a young woman of 20ish - no matter what her difficulties she needs company of her own age so I am wondering initially why she is even there
I would have a chat with her if she is there while you are, she obviously likes the children and this was her way of communicating with your son without realising she was upsetting him. Perhaps say to her that he is scared if she is loud and ask her to whisper, if the carer is sadly crap then you might need to take over the situation to make it better for your DS and for this woman who obviously wants to say hello to him.

saintlyjimjams · 31/01/2012 11:19

and the carer, not are the carer.

AbbyAbsinthe · 31/01/2012 11:19

donnie, have you even read the thread? Plenty of people have answered the OP's questions and offered advice. Doofus.

Ilovedaintynuts · 31/01/2012 11:19

One of my mums clients has special needs and when she takes her out she is no trouble and is a delight.
But. Sometimes she gets the urge to blow a huge raspberry on the back of people's necks. She always seems to choose the most uptight, grumpy looking person in the street. I'm sure my mum has never been known to look the other way after someone has glared at her client and I'm sure she would never let her client blow a raspberry on their neck Wink

mumtosome · 31/01/2012 11:20

Fanjo, 'go you!'. Not getting involved int he fight. Just want so say Everything Fanjo says...I agree.

However OP is noticeable by her absence...........

GypsyMoth · 31/01/2012 11:21

Yes, where is op?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 31/01/2012 11:21

aww thanks mumtosome Thanks

saintlyjimjams · 31/01/2012 11:21

Yes I have avoided any comment about the term 'mentally handicapped' or the offensive style in which the OP is written, even though it made me want to cry.

Perhaps I don't want to be popular Hmm

hackmum · 31/01/2012 11:21

Well, I feel sorry for the OP. She sounds like she's one of those people who is very unassertive and probably didn't want to take her son away/tell the young woman off/have a word with the carer for fear of giving offence.

And now all that's happened is that she's given offence anyway, because of people getting in a tizzy about "mentally handicapped". The thing is, "learning difficulties" is one of those mealy-mouthed phrases that doesn't really tell you anything. A lot of adults with severe mental impairment have a hell of a lot more wrong with them than a difficulty in learning. I suspect eventually "learning difficulties" is one of those euphemisms that will go the way of "coloured" for "black".

QuintessentialyHollow · 31/01/2012 11:21

OP Yanbu.

And YABU to those picking on the OPs terminology. Not everybody knows the new and in vogue politically correct terminology for everything.

Ephiny · 31/01/2012 11:22

But if people reacted to her as if she was a human being (ie spoke to her and her carer) then she would slowly learn what was appropriate behaviour.

This is exactly it. It doesn't even seem to occur to the OP that she might speak to or interact with the young woman in any way, it's as though she's not even a person, she's an inconvenient thing that needs to be dealt with and removed by management. People with learning difficulties are people too, you are allowed to talk to them.

Of course no one expects OP to sit and watch while someone hurts or frightens her son (though apparently this is exactly what she did - just politely smiling instead of saying anything). But it's just bizarre to complain to the manager when you didn't even try the simple approach of saying 'no, please don't do that'...

I don't care about someone inadvertently using the 'wrong' terminology, and not interested in jumping on any bandwagon. But I'm getting really fed up with the attitudes on here towards people with learning difficulties and mental health problems. How many threads have we had now about someone wanting to call the police because they've seen a man who looks a bit odd/eccentric and therefore must obviously be an immediate threat to their precious children?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 31/01/2012 11:22

donnie- Stalinist, yes that's right, people are rounding her up and putting her in prison, or killing her.

ComposHat · 31/01/2012 11:22

is mentally handicapped really outdated? genuine question btw

Bellowing 'it is offensive' and 'you are a bigot' without explaining why doesn't help one iota. The op didn't come here looking to be wilfully offensive and some of the responses are disproportionate.

I think using the term 'mentally handicapped' is offensive for two reasons. For one thing handicapped implies that the condition limits them to such a degree that they are hopelessly dependent and completely able to function.

Secondly describing someone as handicapped puts the disability before the condition, as if that is all they are. Like all of us, they are so much more than that.

I wouldn't introduce myself as 'hi, I'm Compos and I'm haemorrhoid' or 'have you met Laura? She is Thrushy.'

So this woman has a learning difficulty/disability rather than being it. She is a person first.

Original poster
mummy2stan · 31/01/2012 11:23

I only used that term because in all honesty I don't know how better to describe her. She doesn't look any different to any other 20 yr old I guess, but obviously she does have special needs or she wouldn't have a carer or behave the way she does. My post was for advice as I found it an awkward situation to be in with the girl, not to be corrected on my terminology. Why be so rude to a complete stranger? Yes I did let her touch my son one too many times but I didn't want to jump up and pick him up like she was going to hurt him either!! And my point was, more about the carer. Nothing in anyway was meant to offend. Guys, I wanted advice not lynching!!!!!

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 31/01/2012 11:23

"A lot of adults with severe mental impairment have a hell of a lot more wrong with them than a difficulty in learning."

Am not really loving this sentence

Kladdkaka · 31/01/2012 11:24

BlueFergie they have different meanings. I have a learning disability because I'm autistic and have problems with executive function (planning, following through, remaining on focus etc). I do not have an intellectual disability as my IQ is 137 (intellectual disability mean IQ less than 70).

GypsyMoth · 31/01/2012 11:24

I grew up with a 'mentally handicapped' aunt. That's what I was told, so I accepted that. So did everyone. I know differently now, but the family don't. Still refer to her in the same way if asked

ValarMorghulis · 31/01/2012 11:24

^donnie Tue 31-Jan-12 11:09:25

another Stalinist thread on mumsnet.

OP you did the right thing. The term 'mentally handicapped' may be outdated but it is not like saying 'Paki' or 'nigger ' or 'poof'. It's just dimwitted people struggling to be popular.^

Unfortunately Donnie I am neither dimwitted or have any desire to be popular.
It is entirely the same as paki or nigger or poof. The fact that you think it is different is very telling og YOUR academic prowess. you are ignorant in the extreme.

you state the OP was "right" in doing what she did. Did you actually read the post? she didn't do anything!

Whilst i winced at the OP and the language used I appreciate that she is clearly naive as to the world of SN and as such has stumbled into using a very outdated term. I don't suppose she did it deliberately and infact i think she probably tried to think of the least offensive way of putting it.

that is not to say that we should ignore the language used. It is important to challenge every us of inappropriate language. yes to educate on the correct terminology but also to show that incorrect terms are not to be accepted.

ComposHat · 31/01/2012 11:24

ot everybody knows the new and in vogue politically correct terminology for everything

It isn't about being politically correct, it is about treating people with the same dignity you would treat anyone else.

See my previous post for an explanation.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 31/01/2012 11:25

yes, what Kladdkaka said. My DD might seem like she has an intellectual disability because of her severe autism but I think there is a lot going on in her brain we can't access.

saintlyjimjams · 31/01/2012 11:25

I think it was more the way the OP was written. It's really a quite extraordinary post.

God I dread my son leaving the safety of school. Especially as day centres etc have been shut down all in the name of inclusion (works well doesn't it?)

weblette · 31/01/2012 11:25

But OP, why didn't you just talk to the young woman directly?

Birdsgottafly · 31/01/2012 11:25

The advice is to speak to her in the same way that you speak to other people, but making allowances for her SN.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 31/01/2012 11:26

Don't really have issue with you OP, but with posters like Donnie

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