To think the carer of this girl with learning disabilities needs telling!

[mummy2stan]

I take my son to a activity centre a couple of times a week and there is a young woman in there all the time who is clearly mentally handicapped, whilst I have no problem at all with this I do have one with the so called carers that are with her. Two weeks ago whilst my 18 month old son was sat in a high chair having his lunch, the girl came over started pinching his cheek and saying BOO really loudly and in his face, my son is a shy boy and isn't good with strangers anyway so at first he just stared and then after about 5 BOOS started to cry, I smiled politely at the carer who was stood with the girl saying ......gently.... Gently now.... And she did nothing to stop her until he was crying his heart out at which she then pulled the girl away. And then yesterday I watched as the girl followed a 2 year old around saying ... You've been naughty .... You've been naughty... Till the 2 year old got to her mother clearly upset, then the girl proceeded to try to pick her up, pulling her away from her mother, and all the while the carer is stood beside her saying nothing!!!! Now. Whilst I understand this girl may well have the mental age of 5 she is intact at least 20 yrs old and I don't think she should be allowed to behave this way towards other children. If she knows no wrong in it, then the carers should stop it before it makes other children cry! Why should we accept it because she's disabled? I feel I may have to speak to the manager if she approaches my son again because I take him there so he can interact with other children, not be pestered and scared by another adult. Once again my problem is not with the girl as such, more the people who are supposed to be watching her. Am I wrong to complain if she upsets him?

The op should not have had to move her baby, her baby was sitting at a table having lunch!

The carer should have dealt with it! I can understand why the OP felt nervous about saying anything to either the girl herself or the carer, especially when there is always someone ready to jump on you for using the slightly wrong terminology or looking to take offence when there is none meant.

The response on this thread has proved that. If the op doesn't even know that we don't use the words 'mentally handicapped' anymore, then how is she to be expected to know how to talk to the girl in an appropriate way? We can't all be expected to know how to handle every situation perfectly.

"i would also think that the carer should be taking her to places that are maybe more appropriate for her?"

well, if she has a mental age of under 5. which sounds probable, then that IS somewhere appropriate for her, that she would enjoy.

So if not picked up when they are used when?

It is the perfect time to point out that a certain phrase or term is outdated and unacceptable to use. If the OP genuinely did not know that those words are no longer used then now she does and next time will use the more accepted 'Additional Needs' or 'Learning Difficulties'.

I dont know what the correct terminology is either, im sure the op didnt mean to offend, but i dont think that matters to the professionally offended!

Op you should have had a word instead of smiling at the carers, they probably thought you were handling it ok, in the same way an nt (if that is correct) child would play with a child and its parent in that situation, you would say 'no don't do that' surely?

Have a word with the manager if you feel that is right for you, but i would just deal with it as it arises, otherwise you will look like a bitch

Mentally handicaped is still used in some countries, do we know that the OP is from the UK?

I have had to explain SN/disability terminology to people, nothing wrong with not knowing. Some people have had no contact/conversations about SN.

is mentally handicapped really outdated? genuine question btw.

why is it offensive or worse than learning difficulties/special needs?

should mencap change its name?

She's well over 20, can you stop calling her a "girl". She's a woman, same as someone that age without any learning difficulties.

I'll bet someone involved claimed benefits and someone else was in a P&T parking space.

HOUSE!

YANBU, though you could have said something directly to the girl yourself and then if that didn't work asked her carer to intervene. Not sure why some people think you should have to interupt your boys meal by taking him out of the highchair, she should have been made to stop pinching him.

I'm also at a loss to understand what's wrong with the term mentally handicapped, at least I understood it, not sure what the politically correct term is these days. Personally I am physically handicapped/disabled/fucking inconvenienced/don't give a crap what you call it, would everyone like to get offended at me now for potentially causing offence to myself? Seriously though, what exactly are you supposed to say rather than mentally handicapped? Can someone please fill me in, SN is hardly specific, I have SN and I know not to pinch a baby, mentally handicapped does make it clear that she might not understand correct behaviour. What's the correct term? Anyone?

I agree atyourcervix but done politely, instead of the usual, 'oh do fuck off, you bigot'

yes it is totally outdated.

It's the attitude that because the woman is older she can't go to places developmentally appropriate for her that saddens me (or indeed there aren't any purpose built for adults which would be suitable for her).

We get this already with my DD, who is only 5, if we go to soft play she always wants to go into the baby bit, and can only cope with it and not the older kids bit, but we get looks and she often gets chucked out of there by staff, even if I explain.

atyourcervix I agree that it's fine to point out that the term is no longer used and may be offensive.

however, it wouldn't have hurt people to just say that, instead of being unkind to the OP, would it? and after one person has pointed it out there is no need for every single other person on the thread to say it too

"learning difficulties" or "learning disabilities" is the correct term.

Additional/special needs and learning difficulties will probably be replace by something else in thirty years time and anyone who uses those phrases will probably shot down in flames then.

Its pathetic. We should listen to what the OP is trying to say, not criticise her for the way she says it. She could do with being gently told how to word things appropriately, but there is no need for everyone to be so horrible.

Terms like paki are now widely known to be unacceptable. Mentally handicapped does not yet have the same awareness surrounding it.

I'm not one of those people that are 'professionally offended'

It's as outdated as calling a gay man a poof. Maybe the OP has learned something new.

This- it comes from the days of institutions were those with these conditions had to be locked away, out of sight and de-humanised. We have made great strides in therapies etc and you know to to specify the condition because in the whole scheme of things there may be things tha person cannot do, but they are not handicapped or retarded

In other countries there hasn't been a change and of course Mentally Handicapped is written into the law, so remains as a term, but it shouldn't be used in mainstream life.

Hmm, possibly gentleness is needed.

But it does smart when such terms are used, I always get flamed for objecting when people call children either "normal" or "SN" because it seems minor to others but it does hurt me when people call my DD not "normal".

And note, I did not flame the OP for her terminology, but can understand why people might have.

Byeckerslike, leave off with the 'professionally offended' stuff, I don't think there is anything wrong with pointing out to the op that,

a) her terminology is outdated and could cause offence

and

b) that she should maybe have removed her child a bit earlier, and that she should talk to the girl and her carer about the situation.

oh of course parents of disabled children should never get angry, they should never object to a term.
not only is that tern horridly out of date, the whole op is horrid. and tbh all she had to do was speak to the carer,

She has learned something Abby, dont post in Aibu, nothing constructive... A few new insults maybe

thanks birds, that makes sense.

It's an educational oportunity.

For Example I learned just this week that 'Having a paddy' is seen as offensive by some people. I never knew the origins, but now I do I will no longer be using it. My language evolves as I learn. If I can pass on education I will.

FanjoForTheMammaries I get you. DS hates it when people ask what is wrong with dd, ax there isn't anything wrong with her.

Byeckerslike, there is a lot of constructive comment on this thread