Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 22 23

Original poster

To think the carer of this girl with learning disabilities needs telling!

575 replies

mummy2stan · 31/01/2012 10:27

I take my son to a activity centre a couple of times a week and there is a young woman in there all the time who is clearly mentally handicapped, whilst I have no problem at all with this I do have one with the so called carers that are with her. Two weeks ago whilst my 18 month old son was sat in a high chair having his lunch, the girl came over started pinching his cheek and saying BOO really loudly and in his face, my son is a shy boy and isn't good with strangers anyway so at first he just stared and then after about 5 BOOS started to cry, I smiled politely at the carer who was stood with the girl saying ......gently.... Gently now.... And she did nothing to stop her until he was crying his heart out at which she then pulled the girl away. And then yesterday I watched as the girl followed a 2 year old around saying ... You've been naughty .... You've been naughty... Till the 2 year old got to her mother clearly upset, then the girl proceeded to try to pick her up, pulling her away from her mother, and all the while the carer is stood beside her saying nothing!!!! Now. Whilst I understand this girl may well have the mental age of 5 she is intact at least 20 yrs old and I don't think she should be allowed to behave this way towards other children. If she knows no wrong in it, then the carers should stop it before it makes other children cry! Why should we accept it because she's disabled? I feel I may have to speak to the manager if she approaches my son again because I take him there so he can interact with other children, not be pestered and scared by another adult. Once again my problem is not with the girl as such, more the people who are supposed to be watching her. Am I wrong to complain if she upsets him?

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 31/01/2012 10:54

She should speak to the carer, but as she would with anyone, she should just gently speak up herself.

Byeckerslike · 31/01/2012 10:54

I agree Hazey, im sorry for using the term, you are allowed to point it out, obviously, its the vitriol with which it is done that annoys me.

I had no idea until now that handicapped was outdated, its not a word i would use, mainly because its not a subject i come into contact with in day to day life.

Sevenfold · 31/01/2012 10:54

AtYourCervix how often do you think we are expected to educate?
even mn hq think that disablist stuff should be left to "educate"
this is an ongoing theme with mn.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/01/2012 10:56

What is wrong with some of you? Why pick apart terminology that might be outdated but isn't in the same league as the attempted derailing use of 'paki'... and as for that arrogant and pompous "re-write for this century and I'll respond"... really, don't bother - nobody will even notice.

Waving to the bandwaggon jumpers also... "Yoohoo, we can see you".

OP... I'm assuming that you felt awkward to remove your child? Awkwardness that you perhaps wouldn't have felt had it not been a person with SN involved. You can still move your child away whatever the reason. I don't know how you would go about 'complaining' or even if that's what you want to do, but is there somebody organising or running the centre that you could speak to quietly, in private?

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 31/01/2012 10:56

I keep wondering when the term carer is going to become one of the words we can't use. A friend of mine who is tetraplegic hates the word, he is a 40 year old man who doesnt want to be made to feel like he has to have a carer like a child does. He calls the girls that work with him PAs.

I think he has a good point.

Byeckerslike · 31/01/2012 10:56

Yes Fanjo, mainly by you though! Thread moving fast lots of xposts.

thisisyesterday · 31/01/2012 10:56

the problem is, the chance to educate gets lost in among all the faces and unpleasant replies.

if people had simply responded pointing out that the terminology used was out-dated, and reassuring the OP that it would be fine to talk to the carer or the woman/girl (i still call myself girl and i am 30!!) herself then all well and good

but when you get a flaming for accidentally using the wrong word you're going to then be defensive and not listen to what people are saying.

it's totally counter-productive

AbbyAbsinthe · 31/01/2012 10:57

Nonsense, Byeckerslike. There is a lot of constructive advice here. In fact, I myself sympathised with the OP. I just pulled her on it the same as I would have if someone was discussing this with me face to face.

BeerTricksP0tter · 31/01/2012 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WilsonFrickett · 31/01/2012 10:58

Terms like paki are now widely known to be unacceptable. Mentally handicapped does not yet have the same awareness surrounding it.

Which is why the OP has been picked up on her use of language - to raise awareness and hopefully stop her using it again.

However, to return to the question.

What would you do if any adult pinched your child's cheeks and said Boo in their face? You would tell them to stop, surely? So why on earth didn't you do that in this situation? Just ask her (gently and firmly) to stop. Explain that the baby doesn't like it if you feel you must, but you don't have to.

Complaining to the management is an over-reaction - deal with the situation yourself. I am that you didn't tbh.

And yes, the carer should have intervened but as was said upthread, she'll be on mimimum wage and have had very little training. Maybe she was waiting for you to intervene? If she was very young herself and hadn't spent a lot of time round babies she may not even have known that this was inappropriate. And actually, she may not have been a carer... she could have been a friend with less visible LD's of her own....

WorraLiberty · 31/01/2012 10:58

Its pathetic. We should listen to what the OP is trying to say, not criticise her for the way she says it. She could do with being gently told how to word things appropriately, but there is no need for everyone to be so horrible.

Exactly!

I can't be arsed but if we counted the amount of posts that actually address the OP's issue, compared to the amount of posts complaining about her choice of words, I'm sure the latter would far outweigh the former.

I think the OP's probably got it now

Pseudo341 · 31/01/2012 11:00

Thanks IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll, I shall inform my husband he is my PA, love it!

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 31/01/2012 11:00

Absolutely Wilson, but there are kinder ways to point out that some language is no longer acceptable.

thisisyesterday · 31/01/2012 11:00

I think that maybe the OP felt she couldn't say anything to the girl herself, or to the carer in case she was then accused of having a problem with the girl being there at all, which she doesn't (but saying that has already got her a flaming on here!)

squeakytoy · 31/01/2012 11:00

I am not seeing much constructive advice. I am seeing a load of posters rushing to berate the op for using the wrong terminology, even though the op was at pains to point out she was trying to ensure people knew she was not trying to be insulting.

This sort of behaviour makes people afraid to post.

TheHumancatapult · 31/01/2012 11:00

That is exactly the problem becuase people thinkk those words are ok and not in the same league as Paki or nigger , well im sorry but they are and people need to wae up and realise that .

On sperate issue maybe if you could spoken to the carer or even directy like you woud to a young child ask them to stop doing that and then if no respinse talk to teh carer

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 31/01/2012 11:01

well thats rubbish, because she would say something to a parent whose child was doing that, so she should have felt just as able to say something to the carer.

Birdsgottafly · 31/01/2012 11:02

The OP asked 'why should we accept it because she is disabled' no-one said that she should, she just has to treat the woman the way she would any other human and say something. The woman was verbal.

OP complain about the treatment of your own chil (to her and the carer), but don't start a vendetta and complain about everything she does. THe other incident didn't involve you.

WilsonFrickett · 31/01/2012 11:02

I appreciate that Kitchenroll but it's a very inflammatory thread title - I was on my high horse before I even read the post.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 31/01/2012 11:02

Not flaming OP but she sounds rather scared of people with disabilities and unsure how to treat them, just treat them like anyone else, but with a bit of understanding, obviously, that this girl might not have the same awareness of social behaviour as another 20 year old.

ValarMorghulis · 31/01/2012 11:02

Ok, i think there are a few issues here.

firstly you seem very naive around those with non physical disabilities, hence the language you have used. I am sure you were trying very hard not to be offensive but in reality what you posted is vile.
But i think that you need to realise two things. Your baby is your baby It is your job to protect him even if that means upsetting someone else. Would you sit and watch another child frighten him that way or would you speak to the child and say "no we do not pinch" and move your child away? If the latter then do that very same with this lady.

Yes do indeed speak with the carer that is with her and express your concerns. Maybe do a bit of reading in the SN area first so that you do not sound as awful as you have done in this OP first perhaps.
Then next time this lady comes over to play with your son talk TO HER. ask her questions or tell her about your son. If you believe her understanding to be similar to a younger child then use a similar language.

there is no reason to allow your son to be frightened, or for you to be frightened to react when he is.

weblette · 31/01/2012 11:02

I'm going to ignore the title of thread but hope you've now realised the correct terminology OP.

Where I do think you were BVU was in not talking to the young woman yourself.

willowthecat · 31/01/2012 11:04

I think it would be reasonable to speak to the carers but I think you're maybe unrealistic in wanting to put your child in a bubble where he is cut off from anything different from the statistical norm. It can be strange to see situations you are not used so I think getting children used to differences from an early age will help them in later life - and so maybe he will not feel uncomfortable about disability.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/01/2012 11:05

TheHumancatapult... I disagree with you that those words are anything like the same league. Also - if you want people to take on board any kind of 'educating', then hectoring them is not the way to do it. People who just rail and antagonise might as well save their breath for all the good their views ever do because nobody wants to listen to them, nevermind take on board any useful point they might be making.

Communication is the key; some people have no will or talent for doing anything other than talking at and lecturing people... completely impotently.

Kladdkaka · 31/01/2012 11:05

Mentally handicapped isn't just outdated, it's outdated because it's down right bloody offensive. I have a permanent, disabling cognitive impairment. If anyone ever referred to me as mentally handicapped, I don't think I'd be able to control myself.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 22 23

Swipe left for the next trending thread