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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think the carer of this girl with learning disabilities needs telling!

575 replies

mummy2stan · 31/01/2012 10:27

I take my son to a activity centre a couple of times a week and there is a young woman in there all the time who is clearly mentally handicapped, whilst I have no problem at all with this I do have one with the so called carers that are with her. Two weeks ago whilst my 18 month old son was sat in a high chair having his lunch, the girl came over started pinching his cheek and saying BOO really loudly and in his face, my son is a shy boy and isn't good with strangers anyway so at first he just stared and then after about 5 BOOS started to cry, I smiled politely at the carer who was stood with the girl saying ......gently.... Gently now.... And she did nothing to stop her until he was crying his heart out at which she then pulled the girl away. And then yesterday I watched as the girl followed a 2 year old around saying ... You've been naughty .... You've been naughty... Till the 2 year old got to her mother clearly upset, then the girl proceeded to try to pick her up, pulling her away from her mother, and all the while the carer is stood beside her saying nothing!!!! Now. Whilst I understand this girl may well have the mental age of 5 she is intact at least 20 yrs old and I don't think she should be allowed to behave this way towards other children. If she knows no wrong in it, then the carers should stop it before it makes other children cry! Why should we accept it because she's disabled? I feel I may have to speak to the manager if she approaches my son again because I take him there so he can interact with other children, not be pestered and scared by another adult. Once again my problem is not with the girl as such, more the people who are supposed to be watching her. Am I wrong to complain if she upsets him?

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 31/01/2012 11:05

Don't assume that the carer is on minimum e=wage and has had no training. The woman was on a one to one,being taken swimming, that is usually upa tier. My DD does one toones and she is a supervisor of a unit.

If the woman has a 'trigger', the carer may be avoiding confrontation and hoping the OP would stop just bloody smiling at her like it was all ok.

saintlyjimjams · 31/01/2012 11:06

Why didn't you just talk to the girl herself if the carer was being crap? Show her how to wave at your baby instead and how to pull funny faces. She can be spoken to even if she had learning disabilities. If you'd spoken to the girl her attention would have been drawn away from the baby. Or pick your baby up and position yourself so you can show the girl how to talk nicely to your baby.

It's really not that difficult.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 31/01/2012 11:07

Dreading my DD getting older, at the moment her inappropriate behaviour is cute and toddlerlike but it will get less so.

GypsyMoth · 31/01/2012 11:07

But removing op child doesn't solve the problem. The lady also did similiar to another child. If the carer is so untrained and badly paid to bother correcting this, then who will?

Where are the the carer and the lady from? Which school?( agency?) I would attempt to find that out and address it with whoever is in charge..... For the sake of the young lady with SN. If that were my SN child then I would want her looked after appropriately. Wouldn't we all?

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 31/01/2012 11:07

I agree with Fanjo, the Op does sound a bit scared of people with disabilities and is unsure of how to handle situations involving them.

That does not make her a bad person, it just means that disability is something she has not had to deal with.

Even when people have dealt with disability, they don't know how to handle every situation. I don't, and I work with people who have a wide variety of disabilities. The friend I referred to earlier who is tetraplegic often uses the phrase 'in a wheelchair'. I used the same phrase in converstaion once and was gently told off about it by a guy who is disabled but uses a scooter!

The whole thing is a minefield!

Ilovedaintynuts · 31/01/2012 11:08

Actually OP I do understand what you are saying but your choice of language is a little dated.

Thank goodness as a society we no longer hide people away because they are 'different'. We all have more access to adults and children with special needs and rightly so.
However the downside (if there is one) is that we also have to absorb some different behaviours.
Where I live, adults and children with special needs are almost completely integrated in society. My mother is a special needs nurse and I have a close relative with severe additional needs.
But, I have experienced certain things because of this.
In my local swimming pool there is a young man with autism who loves swimming and goes almost every day. Unfortunately much of his enjoyment comes from dive bombing young children and trying to completely submerge then. Even with close supervision he manages. My daughter was terrified by this a couple of months ago. The swimming pool management say their hands are tied as they don't want to be accused of discrimination.
My young DD has had her high chair overturned by a young lady with special needs.
But in the whole scheme of things is this not better than shutting people away?
Can we not all absorb a bit of discomfort and annoyance, even upset, for the greater good?

Finallyfinally · 31/01/2012 11:08

If you go straight to the manager he'll ban her, and that would be a terrible shame for her. Treat it as you would any other visitor to the soft play. Address her directly! Tell her, "that's not nice" if she says boo to your son. Say the same if she's doing similar to other children. And for heavens sake - at least try to speak (gently) to the carer before getting the poor woman banned from the place.

How often have you encountered her? I never seem to see the same people at soft play twice!

Sevenfold · 31/01/2012 11:08

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I can only assume by your post (and I could be wrong) that you don't live in the sn world. or had your child bullied because they have an sibling with sn, these are the words that are used, they are as bad as racist terms. end of.

donnie · 31/01/2012 11:09

another Stalinist thread on mumsnet.

OP you did the right thing. The term 'mentally handicapped' may be outdated but it is not like saying 'Paki' or 'nigger ' or 'poof'. It's just dimwitted people struggling to be popular.

What the fuck should she do, just let her child sit there and be whacked over the head?

BeerTricksP0tter · 31/01/2012 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saintlyjimjams · 31/01/2012 11:10

But if people reacted to her as if she was a human being (ie spoke to her and her carer) then she would slowly learn what was appropriate behaviour.

Of course the carer shouldn't allow her to pick up other children but there's nothing to stop the mother talking to the girl herself and saying 'oh no we don't pick children up' or whatever.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 31/01/2012 11:10

donnie..how totally insensitive, to say the least.

PinkoLiberal · 31/01/2012 11:11

The carers are shite

your use of terminology is shite

There are hints that your attitude is shite (the whilst I have no prpblem bit) but prepared to hope you are just crap at expressing yourself

On this basis the whole damned world is BU and should just fark of

Hindu gods, if you exist, time to do that thing where you end the world and it restarts.

Or Armagaeddon.

Anything to give us a break from these threads.

WilsonFrickett · 31/01/2012 11:11

That's an excellent and constructive contribution donnie

What the fuck she should have done was talk to the woman. She is a person. You are allowed to talk to her, even if she has SN.

saintlyjimjams · 31/01/2012 11:11

Blimey donnie which century do you belong in? I know who I spot as the dimwit here trying to be popular.

Mouseface · 31/01/2012 11:12

Why should we accept it because she's disabled? I feel I may have to speak to the manager if she approaches my son again because I take him there so he can interact with other children, not be pestered and scared by another adult.

Fair point. If a 20 year old NT woman came over and started to pinch my DS's face, I would say something directly to her.

However, the woman in question is assumed to have LD at the least, and behave like "a 5 year old". Therefore, I would speak to the carer and voice my concerns directly to the person responsible for her.

As a carer myself (like so many posters on this thread) I would appreciate you (OP) saying something to me.

The same as you would if a child of 5 had done that to your son, no? You'd talk to it's mother?

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 31/01/2012 11:12

Good Post BeerTricks.

I have done simelar in the past in the park with a young girl who has learning difficulties. But even then I was paranoid that I was going to come across as patronising to the lady that was with her.

It can be very hard to know what to do for the best.

AbbyAbsinthe · 31/01/2012 11:13

That's true actually, donnie. I would do anything to be accepted here

willowthecat · 31/01/2012 11:14

I agree with saintly - there seems to be a view amongst some people that 'dealing with the disabled' should only be done by care staff preferably in clearly marked uniforms. Why would it not be possible for the OP to just tell the girl to be more gentle in her social approaches ?

BlueFergie · 31/01/2012 11:15

I thought the term was 'intellectual disability'. My mother manages two day care centres for adults with intellectual disabilities and they have moved on from using the ohrase learning disability to describe their service users a while. So seems you all might be using an out dated phrase yourselves.
OP why in earth did you not just ask this woman to stop yourself just as you would a child who was doing it? Just say, oh aren't you good with the baby, but he doesn't like having his cheek pinched or loud noises. He loves if you stroke his cheeks/ tickle him like this look.

Mouseface · 31/01/2012 11:15

Great post Beer

And yes, OP, you could have tried to engage the woman concerned.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/01/2012 11:15

Sevenfold... the thing is, there is a way to let people know that terms are offensive if you want the message to get through.

I've seen on this thread that 'SN' is not a term that some people want used. It's been used throughout MN and I didn't know there were connotations. That goes the same for every term that becomes outdated. A term goes from 'widely used' to 'offensive' - fine - communicate that. I can't see that any poster posting alongside you or anybody else, would want to cause offence but if posters are attacked, they'll defend themselves and others will defend them - not for the term used but for the unfairness of the attack.

I personally don't like 'end of', either - it's rude and dismissive.

AbbyAbsinthe · 31/01/2012 11:15

OP, don't run off. You can learn stuff about people with special needs by interacting just as you would with anyone else. The woman you spoke of wouldn't have realised that she'd done anything wrong, and would probably have just liked to play with your dc a bit. Just talk to her and explain why this behaviour upsets you.

Mouseface · 31/01/2012 11:16

'engage WITH'

saintlyjimjams · 31/01/2012 11:17

I'd talk to a 20 year old as well. And the carer. It's just not hard. You don't have to not say anything just because someone has LD's. Just assume they are the carer are human and talk to them as you would anyone else.

A 15 year old with LD's tried to grab my hand today. I said 'ha ha - no way because I know you won't let go' - I have no idea whether he understood what I said as he can't talk, but it was said with a smile and he was fine and I waved at him and he waved at me.

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