The relationship section of MN makes my blood boil.

[aaaaaaaaargh]

I will never set virtual foot in there again. I have imprints on my forehead of the keyboard from where I have been banging my head against it. It makes no SENSE!!! I have a jaw like Jacob Marley. There are so many threads like this:

OP: The other day I was a miserable cow, kids were stressing me. He came home to a complete shithole and then proceeded to clean up. I could sense he was a bit miffed at the state of the house so I told him to cook his own fucking dinner. He wanted to tell me about a problem with work, but I was pissed off and told him I wasn't interested, tell someone who gives a shit. He then shouted that I didn't give a toss about him and stomped upstairs. I can't live like this anymore.

Reply: He cleaned up?? How controlling is he? He then tried to make you listen to his work problems? What about YOUR problems?

Reply: He's emotionally abusive, but you know this don't you.

Reply: Definitely controlling, he doesn't care about what you want. He wanted to make you clean up and listen to his problems. Why the fuck are you cooking his dinner?

Reply: He shouted at you? This is abusive behaviour. You don't have to put up with this, you need to really think about how to proceed. Has he shouted before? This isn't normal.

Reply: Well actually, you weren't too pleasant to him. Perhaps you should look at YOUR behaviour.

Reply (to above poster): Great support there, this woman lives with an emotional abuser. Don't speak if you haven't got anything constructive to say. Don't listen to that poster OP.

Etc, etc....

I know that a lot of people in seriously abusive or violent situations have been helped in this section, and that that is an extremely good thing, before you point that out to me.

But some of the replies on other threads!!! Madness.

I think it's very odd, on a site like MN, where people post anonymously and can name change, that anyone could claim that they couldn't speak 'for fear' of being slapped down.

After all, it's not as if another poster is going to come round to their home and beat them up, is it?

(and that's just an observation of mine - but no reason not to post it randomly on this thread)

I still think we should wait for more details before saying ''get rid''. We are only hearing one side remember. However the 10% salary contribution speaks volumes.

Yes, and the partner of that OP is getting his "side" over somewhere too, and probably his audience is saying a lot more damaging things than "this man is no good for you and your family"

We don't know what he is saying because he does not have a voice on these boards. We have only the OP's side.
We shouldn't be discussing a thread on another thread. My fault, sorry.

Really?

In every section theres someone who needs to put down the crack pipe but don't write off the whole board.

You know what makes my blood boil?

Crematoria.

I looked at one thread. Had I looked at 500 threads I'd have more quotes, but I can't be bothered. Those three simply illustrate my point.

I can't be bothered to trawl for others.

Man. Name changes and then can't even be bothered to actually do anything to back up his/her assertions. Just throw a bomb into AIBU and see what happens, huh?!

You know, for a woman, you really do have a BLIMP-SIZED bee in your bonnet about misandry...

teth, that is very. not . funny .

< arf >

There is a thread on relationships today that is a perfect example of exactly what the OP is saying. :(

tethers

controversial link

Ohhhhhhh

Isn't Crematoria what you put in coffee.....?

If one person or family is helped...

If one person or family is helped...

it doesn't matter who you hurt in the process?

Yes or no?

Oh Aaargh terribly weak-kneed to assert that you might have more support if others were't afraid to do so.

Reminds me of a school I used to work in where the HT consented to a school vote on uniform, or some such thing. She said all unreturned votes were in favour of her view, i.e. to keep uniform. And uniform was duly retained.

I rather think the lack of support for your view is because not enough people agree with you. But them's the breaks.

I think thta's the one I was talking about squeaky.

Going on the national average (UK) two women will be murdered this week by a partner/previous partner: talk to their families if you wish about "hurt"

I'm not trying to be passive aggressive. I apologize if it read it that way.

I really would appreciate a yes or no answer to my question though.

FightsWithMonsters - you're asking for a yes/no answer to a question that doesn't really apply.

Relationships threads can make uncomfortable reading. For some women they form the only validation of their POV they will ever get. Other women may use it as an excuse to absolve themselves of all blame and turn it all on their partners, I can accept that (though I think it the minority).

However, the point is that while some women may use it as a way of gaining the courage to do what they deep down know is right, very few people are going to listen to advice that goes contrary to what they want to do or know is wrong. Anyone who lets themself do something that much against their instinct on the basis of some random strangers on the internet has other problems going on far more serious than a relationship problem.

MN offers support for those who want it. It doesn't, by itself force them to do something that is wrong for them.

Expecting people to not feel pain, or heartbreak at the advice they receive is like teaching children that everyone can be the "winner" at sports day: it is a nonsense.

Speaking personally - I have been 'hurt' 'upset' 'bereft' at hearing advice from others, however, ultimately, they had my best interests at heart.

caramel that statistic doesn't mean people should have carte blanche to say hurtful/insensitive/damaging things to OP's on very little evidence, or indeed at all

no logic to your argument imo

I think the 2 women a week murdered by their current or former partner fact tends to concentrate the mind on the dynamics of abuse. I often wonder if any of the women on this thread were MNers.

Which damaging things are said to the Op's on the Relationships board?

Damaging to a relationship that needs ending anyway? Damaging to an ego?

Damaging to finances? Societal 'norms' ?

The Op here is reluctant to provide up to date links.

It's two issues we're discussing here.

One: Are the preconceptions some posters have about gender traits leading them to come to conclusions that aren't entirely supported by the evidence presented?

And two: Once it becomes a comfortably safe assumption, are posters using tactics on someone at a vulnerable time that are too heavy handed?

From the replies on this thread only, and not from any thread on the relationship board, I have to say the answer is yes to both those questions.

I am very keen to be wrong here though.

preconceptions some posters have about gender traits - yes, some posters have preconceptions about gender traits, but I think you'll find these are the posters encouraging women to "work at" their relationship, not the ones saying "leave him" or pointing out abuse.

The whole premise of this thread is ludicrous.

Lets summarise the OP's position: " I am OUTRAGED and APPALLED and OUTRAGED by something that may or may not have happened in my head but can't be proved, because although I say imagined it did, I won't provide any evidence and by the way HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME FOR SAYING IT!!! And OMG MISANDRY!!!!!!!"