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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The relationship section of MN makes my blood boil.

868 replies

aaaaaaaaargh · 30/01/2012 19:42

I will never set virtual foot in there again. I have imprints on my forehead of the keyboard from where I have been banging my head against it. It makes no SENSE!!! I have a jaw like Jacob Marley. There are so many threads like this:

OP: The other day I was a miserable cow, kids were stressing me. He came home to a complete shithole and then proceeded to clean up. I could sense he was a bit miffed at the state of the house so I told him to cook his own fucking dinner. He wanted to tell me about a problem with work, but I was pissed off and told him I wasn't interested, tell someone who gives a shit. He then shouted that I didn't give a toss about him and stomped upstairs. I can't live like this anymore.

Reply: He cleaned up?? How controlling is he? He then tried to make you listen to his work problems? What about YOUR problems?

Reply: He's emotionally abusive, but you know this don't you.

Reply: Definitely controlling, he doesn't care about what you want. He wanted to make you clean up and listen to his problems. Why the fuck are you cooking his dinner?

Reply: He shouted at you? This is abusive behaviour. You don't have to put up with this, you need to really think about how to proceed. Has he shouted before? This isn't normal.

Reply: Well actually, you weren't too pleasant to him. Perhaps you should look at YOUR behaviour.

Reply (to above poster): Great support there, this woman lives with an emotional abuser. Don't speak if you haven't got anything constructive to say. Don't listen to that poster OP.

Etc, etc....

I know that a lot of people in seriously abusive or violent situations have been helped in this section, and that that is an extremely good thing, before you point that out to me.

But some of the replies on other threads!!! Madness.

OP posts:
bejeezus · 01/02/2012 14:07

What is patronising?

Of course,yes if 1 or more of us have patronised you, then it certainly calls for an anti-feminist back-lash

do you realise that you keep exaggerating to make a point?

aaaaaaargh · 01/02/2012 14:11

You're not goading me into giving you a platform for your personal agenda anymore. Sorry.

bejeezus · 01/02/2012 14:44

fine if you are fed up with the conversation (I am abit too TBH)

but, I dont have a personal agenda

I have been defending the merit and worth of the relationship board and the posters that post on it. Nothing more

AnyFucker · 01/02/2012 15:10

I don't understand why someone with a recent, ongoing problem with posters on the Relationships board would link to an AIBU thread from 2007 to illustrate the point

aaaaaaargh · 01/02/2012 15:47

Because it illustrates my point. The recent 'plastic vagina' thread does too, but it's gone...or at least I can't find it, probably because it was in chat, and also the OP said she wanted it to disappear so I wouldn't link it anyway. These two spring to mind. I can't be bothered to trawl for others.

As for 'Relationships', well I did link to a thread (under pressure), but didn't feel comfortable as the OP was upset in her opening post so I asked for it to be removed. I linked it to illustrate the replies, not the OP's problem. Which is why I don't want to link to threads in relationships. My issue is with replies, not OP's.

ilovemyteddy · 01/02/2012 16:02

The thread that you linked to in Relationships and then had removed seems to me to illustrate what usually happens on that board.

OP posts about a problem with DP. Based on what she has said in her OP people start posting and ask her whether she may be better off without him. She posts again with more information which cause some posters to ask her whether her behaviour contributed to his. Discussion ensues. Some posters are direct (leave the bastard), some posters use a softly-softly approach (you may need to think about changing your behaviour and also think about whether you would be better off without him because clearly you are not getting what you need from each other). OP acknowledges that she finds the softly softly posters more useful. Discussion continues.

People post opinions. People post opinions based on experience. OP takes what she needs from the thread to move forward in resolving her current situation. (And maybe will come back for more discussion at a later date.)

That's my experience of the Relationships board anyway and that thread would seem IMHO to back that up.

AnyFucker · 01/02/2012 16:03

that thread you linked to is an extreme example of an AIBU topic (extreme even for AIBU)

I am assuming you take issue with lots of general Relationships posts, since you feel strongly enough to attempt to link the two to prove a point

I haven't seen any posts like you linked on Relationships, not one

The cohort of regular Relationships posters you feel are giving MN a bad name, would also take issue with such an extreme viewpoint re. setting fire to penises

speaking for myself (and that is all any of us can do) if I saw a topic like that being discussed on the Relationships board I would report it and/or tell people they were out of order

it doesn't prove your point

aaaaaaargh · 01/02/2012 16:09

#OP posts about a problem with DP. Based on what she has said in her OP people start posting and ask her whether she may be better off without him

They called him an emotional fuckwit. After she had spent 10 years keeping him at arms length, by her own admittance. She was in the wrong here, yet he was the emotional fuckwit.

aaaaaaargh · 01/02/2012 16:18

My point is, misandry exists on Mumsnet. I have been called a misogynyst because of this view. Bullshit. I accept fully that misogyny exists, doesn't make misandry right though. I don't endorse either. I prefer to judge everyone I meet based on their own individual merit, not their genitalia.

ilovemyteddy · 01/02/2012 16:23

#They called him an emotional fuckwit. After she had spent 10 years keeping him at arms length, by her own admittance. She was in the wrong here, yet he was the emotional fuckwit.

They called him an emotional fuckwit before she posted about keeping him at arm's length.

The conclusion on the thread as I have read it seemed to be that they were both in the wrong and were better off apart.

You say potato...

AnyFucker · 01/02/2012 16:29

but, OP, your opening post said that "The Relationship section of MN makes your blood boil"

a very large, generic section with posters of all shapes, sizes, sexuality, shape of genitals, funny, harsh, kind, understanding, dogmatic, empathetic, bitter viewpoints yadda yadda yadda

whick kinda throws a bit of doubt on your soundbite-like pronouncement of judging people on their own merit

and brings me back to one of my original points on this thread, which is that an individual or small group of individuals has pissed you off mightily somewhere along the line

and that is what is rankling you

ilovemyteddy · 01/02/2012 16:45

Exactly AF

I've seen something on there that has made my blood boil today, because of my own personal experience of the subject the poster was talking about.

I've seen a thread from someone who didn't take the advice offered to her a month ago and has come back to say she wishes she had.

I've seen a thread, with people recounting how they felt when discovering their DH/P's infidelity, which would make a stone weep.

I've seen posters being kind and posters telling it how it is (or how they see it.)

And that's just this afternoon.

All shapes, all sizes...

aaaaaaargh · 01/02/2012 16:52

#whick kinda throws a bit of doubt on your soundbite-like pronouncement of judging people on their own merit

I said everyone I meet. I mean in RL. Are you saying everyone is exactly who they say they are online?

#and brings me back to one of my original points on this thread, which is that an individual or small group of individuals has pissed you off mightily somewhere along the line

What pisses me off mightily is that whenever someone posts on relationships, the stock response is that her DP is abusive/controlling/a fuckwit. I'm not saying that isn't the case for some, I'm saying it isn't the case for all.

The forceful way that these replies are drilled into the OP is pretty poor too, as evidenced by some of the replies on this thread.

I don't have an issue with one individual.

AnyFucker · 01/02/2012 17:03

the replies on your thread have been no less forceful than the language you used when setting the scene with your title post

aaaaaaargh · 01/02/2012 17:06

I meant forceful on relationships, not this thread.

echt · 01/02/2012 17:10

Aaargh, if you feel so many stock responses are saying the man is controlling or abusive, then that's because it's what they are. The Relationship posts are mostly women at their tethers' end.

Replies to posts are very honest, I find, and if someone is blowing something out of proportion or behaving as badly as the person they complain about, they are told so.

Also, if YOU object to forceful responses, don't post on AIBU.

AnyFucker · 01/02/2012 17:11

"as evidenced by some of the replies on this thread"

you just said that ^^

and you know, reading about some of the horrible men that see fit to treat women so badly can "make the blood boil"

echt · 01/02/2012 17:14

If you feel the Relationship replies are forceful, bear in mind this is the internet, and many, if not all posters would not get such frankly-expressed opinions from those in RL, to whom they could not speak anyway.

LeBOF · 01/02/2012 17:16

Is this risible thread still in full swing then? We could do with a Hide button from the Threads I'm On page really.

ilovemyteddy · 01/02/2012 17:24

Echt said "If you feel the Relationship replies are forceful, bear in mind this is the internet, and many, if not all posters would not get such frankly-expressed opinions from those in RL, to whom they could not speak anyway."

And sometimes people have to be told what they need to hear, not what they want to hear. Again not something you would necessarily hear from RL friends who might want to avoid upsetting you or maintain the status quo.

aaaaaaargh · 01/02/2012 17:28

You've taken my words out of context, but hey, all's fair on MN.

You know exactly what I'm trying to say. You simply disagree with it. Many of you do, but that's OK. A lot more people will have read this thread than posted on it, and who knows what their views are. I have had support, but it speaks volumes that most won't publicly give it.

Nice when people can't speak for fear of being slapped down.

But anyway, I think I've gone as far as I can with this now.

ClaraSage · 01/02/2012 17:32

There is a thread on Relationships at the moment , sounds like the OP is with a loser, but.......I'm waiting for more details before I suggest she gives up on the relationship. Early into the thread and a few posters have already started the ''leave him'' chants. They may well be right but I just wish posters would wait a bit and let the OP give more details before they advise so blatantly.

AnyFucker · 01/02/2012 17:36

if you think we are taking you out of contaxt, then you are equally guilty of such

you are taking comments made to real posters, in real situations and making them abstract

they are not abstract

these are real situations, yes, sometimes with really bad behaviour demonstrated by someone's partner that needs the cool eye of logic shining on it

and of course, the fact that so few people are supporting your marginal views publically does speak volumes

just not at the same bandwidth as it does me, I guess

are you staying flounced this time ?

we wouldn't want you feel like you've been silenced, even though you are trying to denigrate the well meant advice of a whole group of posters here, and in effect, attempting to silence them

AnyFucker · 01/02/2012 17:36

context

AnyFucker · 01/02/2012 17:37

clara...you know we are right

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