The relationship section of MN makes my blood boil.

[aaaaaaaaargh]

I will never set virtual foot in there again. I have imprints on my forehead of the keyboard from where I have been banging my head against it. It makes no SENSE!!! I have a jaw like Jacob Marley. There are so many threads like this:

OP: The other day I was a miserable cow, kids were stressing me. He came home to a complete shithole and then proceeded to clean up. I could sense he was a bit miffed at the state of the house so I told him to cook his own fucking dinner. He wanted to tell me about a problem with work, but I was pissed off and told him I wasn't interested, tell someone who gives a shit. He then shouted that I didn't give a toss about him and stomped upstairs. I can't live like this anymore.

Reply: He cleaned up?? How controlling is he? He then tried to make you listen to his work problems? What about YOUR problems?

Reply: He's emotionally abusive, but you know this don't you.

Reply: Definitely controlling, he doesn't care about what you want. He wanted to make you clean up and listen to his problems. Why the fuck are you cooking his dinner?

Reply: He shouted at you? This is abusive behaviour. You don't have to put up with this, you need to really think about how to proceed. Has he shouted before? This isn't normal.

Reply: Well actually, you weren't too pleasant to him. Perhaps you should look at YOUR behaviour.

Reply (to above poster): Great support there, this woman lives with an emotional abuser. Don't speak if you haven't got anything constructive to say. Don't listen to that poster OP.

Etc, etc....

I know that a lot of people in seriously abusive or violent situations have been helped in this section, and that that is an extremely good thing, before you point that out to me.

But some of the replies on other threads!!! Madness.

how very melodramatic

The only anti male sentiment on there is anti useless, cheating, lying or abusive men - if you can't see that , you are a fool.
Anyone, male or female, demonising men or infantalising men or seen defending / excusing such men is given what for, and rightly so.

Like most discussions on the Internet all nuance and complexity is lost as complex issues are booled down to binary opposites, which in many cases means OP = saint v DH = sinner. You then get people leaping on and cheerleading as if watching a football match (or perhaps Jeremy Kyle), each trying to outdo the last with their condemnation, insults or wild speculation. I wish the calmer voices weren't so often drowned out by those who insist on being heard.

I hope people who post on there ask themselves why some people spend so much time on that board offering their brand of "advice" (repeatedly and insistently) to posters in all sorts of situations. I may be a cynic but I don't believe all are motivated by charity. At the very least it takes a healthy dose of ego to continually dish out advice to strangers on a daily basis.

Still, amongst all the noise I'm sure a lot of people do also find it helpful.

I think that some of the threads on the relationships board have suffered from the loss of a few really experienced posters who gave it some gravitas almost, and as a result, some other posters seem to be jockeying for position as new 'queen of the board with an entourage'. It's those posters who I think take it too far, harranguing and calling the OP out if she doesn't do what she's 'told'. I'm sure those posters don't know who they are but others will

Yes I totally agree with that and they are often also the posters who belittle the advice and opinions of other posters just because they don't agree with them.

I do genuinely think it puts some people off posting there if the thread suddenly becomes all about the other posters disagreeing with them, rather than helping the OP.

I think that in Relationships most posters listen to OP, can read through the lines and they give thoughtful advice (ok there might be one or two who repeat EA/NP on every thread).
On AIBU and Chat it is a different story, some don't even bother to read and just say 'you are not a slave/that's so 50s/he should do everything after 12hrs work'. I agree that in those cases we don't have to agree with op just because she is a woman.

Back to Relationships, imo when OP seems to have been brainwashed (which is often the case) posters are patient. The only time i 've seen the 'here we go again' is when OP chooses to stay for the money and status and keeps asking for 'ways to deal with the marriage'. Those will not be made to leave anyway no matter what posters say.

OP, don't be an idiot adn flounce. You posted in aibu what do you expect? As everyone has said if relationships annoy you, don't read them. I almost never do, because fwiw I agree with you. And don't feel brave saying so.

I think relationships like all sections on here has a subtext you need to understand to fully benefit from from the potential help on offer. As manatee said most regulars in that section have issues with men and may overreact to everyday domestic situations.

Same applies, to give just one example, to school threads - people who are either violently pro or anti private schools are more obseesed with the issue and more likely to give their pov without really addressing the poster's issue. And so on and so on. That is mn and it is a more complicated and emotive beast than a newbie or an occasional lurker may realise, to their cost (and seemingly you, judging by your overreaction)

You are obviously not going anywhere Op.

Oh i didn't refresh. OP left?

I 've seen that worra and yes it turns into a battle and OP loses.

Melodramatic - really? Most threads have a sell by date before they start going round in circles with a constant rehash of entrenched opinions I don't blame the OP for getting a bit bored with it all, it gets very predictable.

Jesus OP! Why don't you trying discussing your point. Many posters have explained why they believe there is not sexism on the board. Instead of repeating them same assertion over and over, why don't you present your case?

"#Well counter it where and when you see it.

I have tried and have been shot down, many times. Hence this thread."

Without knowing who you normally are, it's difficult to really comment on this.

But if you are being shot down so many times, then clearly you have a minority view. So most people will disagree with you.

If you don't like it, then don't post there any more. That isn't meant to be a 'fuck off', just more of an observation. Nobody says you have to post in Relationships.

Just post on the myriad of other subjects on MN.

I really, really don't get why you have felt the need to post like this.

Why shouldn't she, BIWI? I take her word for it that she's been shot down and I don't know who she is/was either. It doesn't matter really, does it?

There are obviously people who feel that the OP had a point and do actually agree with some/most of the points made. I think it's healthy to question things rather than accepting that that's the way things are always.

A minority view doesn't make it wrong, either - that's been said very often on this thread. No board is short of 'me too's', including the relationships board. Some posters are agreed with purely for their username rather than what they say... where's the value in that?

Relationships board - along with all the others - is open to one and all -and thank goodness for that!

Nobody should be 'shot down' in a Relationship thread - that exactly typifies the sort of battle between opinions that doesn't help an OP, IMO. Different views may be offered for the OP to take on board as helpful or not.

I feel uncomfortable on relationship threads when it becomes a battle for the OPs soul.

I don't think the OP on this thread was a particularly helpful way to start a debate about the way that some threads in Relationships go, but I do think there is a discussion to be had. Discusssion, not war.

Well there's a discussion there now about this thread, so obviously people just want to talk about it all again...

I just wish it wasn't so 'them and us' really, it's the same with AIBU and posters from other boards... nobody seems to realise that it's 'us and us', we can all post everywhere, having the right to do so with our own opinions.

It's a bit naive to think that a 'friend in real-life' doesn't have an agenda of her own sometimes, which is why it can be more powerful if a bunch of strangers who don't confer, all come to the same conclusions about the situation posted.

Friends in real-life sometimes have a vested interest in others putting up with the same shit as them in their relationships and their own position would be threatened if another woman challenged it. I've seen lots of posts along these lines i.e. "my friend says all men........ look at porn, can't see dust, have a nasty temper, would have sex if a woman offered it" and this is usually followed by a loaded question along the lines of: "do you really want to break up the family for this?" which puts the responsibility on the recipient of said behaviour and not the one enacting it.

Contrary to what's been alleged, I think it's great that posters in those situations hear from women in good relationships with kind men, who will say to them: "It doesn't have to be like this you know....."

it is difficult, isn't it, we get a window into someone's life, as they see it and I often don't know whether they should or should not leave a situation. It is rare, I'll say they should leave but I have done a couple of times. I think maybe OP is right, we do on the whole tend to veer towards a sharp view of the male in the equation. We have had some posts from men wanting advice on relationships and I seem to recall it was similar in how advice was given re the wife. So it is the one who isn't on the thread (male or female) who we tend to view harshly.

Just say what you think if you think a less drastic way forward is called for and leave the others to post what they think. In the end the OP has to wade through it all and pick and choose what makes sense to him/her. (Actually I think this the hardest thing to do when you are really caught up in a situation. You look for the advice you want to hear and blot out the rest)

Beejezus:

How on earth do you know I'm in the minority? More importantly, how on earth do you know I'm in the minority in deciding that the relationship board was not somewhere I could go to for advice because I would find myself personally attacked?

Honestly, I have a real issue with the way I was treated by some very vocal posters (some were helpful, particularly people who pm'd me). That happening devalued all the advice I was given to the extent that I would feel unable/unwilling to go back in the future.

There are a lot of posters who don't come back. How many of those don't come back because the tirade of 'leave the fucker, why can't you understand you need to leave the fucker' was too much for them regardless of whether it was right.

But if you are being shot down so many times, then clearly you have a minority view. So most people will disagree with you

Not necessarily BIWI

It may just be that some people don't fancy the thought of being ridiculed or told to fuck off etc...and therefore have given up trying to post their view on that board.

Mind you, you could be right in one sense I suppose. It would be a minority view if the posters who agree with the OP have given up posting there due to the way some people treat them.

It's as shame because a 'One opinion fits all' sort of forum isn't going to help anyone really.

Maybe she meant 'many times by one poster'? it doesn't mean 'many posters'.

When reading or responding in the Relationships board (of MN) people should be mindful that not all those contributing are doing to to give helpful advice: there are those who seem to have a vested interest in women - especially - remaining in abusive or subservient relationships or accept a status quo link see site stuff also

Page 1 is certainly enlightening.

Linked because the pages they seem interested in are on that board.

The board on the whole is an invaluable resource, IMO.

aww bless

what fuckwits on that site, CW

OP, just dont go there!!!! really, I get what you say. ergo I dont go there

I just pop into aibu when work permits ie all fucking day

Yep. Bless'em.

You're not wrong.

Why would you even give them the satisfaction of publicity, CaramelWaffle? They should be quietly reported (without talking to them) if they post on MN and that's it really... oxygen of publicity all gone. Not rocket science.

anybody that describes women as "fat menopausal cumbuckets" needs to have the responsibility of owning a keyboard and an internet connection taken away