to think 40k isn't *that* high a salary?

[HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer]

Someone I know is constantly boasting that their DH earns 40k per year. Every time I meet up with her (she is in a group of friends), she will drop it into the conversation at every available opportunity. If someone admires something she's wearing she will say something like "well it was from X shop but I can afford stuff like that as DH earns 40k a year". It's difficult to explain how she does it, but somehow she manages to mention it several times each time I've seen her, not just to me but to everyone.

Now I know 40k is a decent wage compared to some, but its not that good really is it? Certainly not a wage to boast and brag about. By the time they've paid their rent (it's 1k per month, she's told us all that several hundred times too), bills and other things I wouldn't think they're left with a huge amount.

I really couldn't give a monkeys what anyone else earns but I'm just surprised that she seems to think its so unusual and so worth bragging about.

@Rhubarb You are clearly very bitter. I'm sorry you are so disappointed with your own life.

Oh, and we live in London. Just got tenants for our (lovely!) 2 bed flat which is on the tube about 2 mins from the station (did I mention, we are MOVING!!!!!!). It is £950 per month. Like I said.... imagination.....

legallyblond that's a very good post.

thetasigmamum that is very rude of you. I am sorry I have taken such pains to explain my position to you in very reasonable terms without resorting to any personal insults whatsoever and that you cannot.

I am very grateful for my life, I have a wonderful husband and two gorgeous children, plus a house of my own. So thanks for the fake concern but I am far from disappointed with my lot. And after that little comment from you I think I'll take my leave from this thread as I'm still a human being with feelings and I don't want my day to be ruined by someone who thinks they can issue insults from behind a computer screen.

legallyblond I don't think anyone here has claimed that people who are not high earners don't work hard, despite what Rhubarb has said. The only people who are being accused of not working hard, actually, are high earners who are apparently all recipients of massive luck.

@Rhubarb you are the only one who has been issuing insults in this thread. Repeatedly. But your complete lack of imagination regarding other people is clearly blinding you to that. It's a shame.

No, no, I don't think anyone has claimed that either here. I was just pointing out that I do agree with Rhubarb for once (I have disgreed with her and others who have said high earning is down to luck alone) on her point that some low earners work as hard if not harder than very high earners and that it is a horrid cycle in this country where people can and do get trapped in very low paid jobs despite being hard workers. That has really been brought home to me when I see how hard my frind who is a nurse works. I am a slacker in comparison!

No I'm sorry, you'll have to point out where I said that high earners don't work hard.
You will also have to point out how I have personally insulted you.

I am always quick to apologise if I have hurt anyone's feelings or been blunt and I am, hand on heart, ready to listen to other people and even change my opinions. But you have presumed a lot about my life, you have taken personal offence where none was meant and you have twisted my words to suit your own view of me.

I find that unacceptable and unnecessary. All this "it's a shame" is deeply patronising and actually, any argument you may have made, any point you might have had, is lost once you decided to turn to personal and patronising insults.

A few years ago there was a series of TV ads (BT?) about helping you to work smarter instead of harder. I guess that sums it up.

My dad was labourer/dish washer/waiter for several years before he saved up enough money for a deposit on a shop. He and my mom then worked 363 days a year for the next 15. At that point they comfortably retired while in their early 50s.

legallyblond, I don't think I have said it is down to luck alone and if I have anything which might have implied that then I take it back. I certainly do not think it is down to luck alone but I do think that luck plays a large part in it. And by luck I mean being born to parents who give a shit in the first place, having an inspirational teacher, coming from a good school, having good examples all around you, living in a decent area, being funded to go to University, etc etc. Just one of those things I would consider to be lucky because you don't get them by hard work, you get those things by virtue of your birth and statistically, that makes a huge difference to how successful you then become.

I hope that explains my position clearer.

legallyblonde this is why i asked OP at the begining of the thread if she would prefer her friend to moan. Give me boasters any time but i cant tolerate the miserable bores who earn 300k+ and they just moan, moan, moan.

TheRhubarb don't go, you have made some v.good points and also your last post re the supermarkets (which i will def read later) Don't let it to upset you

Thanks Laquitar. It just riles me when people twist my words and make presumptions which are then followed by personal attacks and hugely sarcastic remarks that simply would not be made in real life. Hiding behind a computer screen to insult someone is cowardly and it negates your argument.

Anyway, back to the grindstone for me.

I'll just tell a little story about something that happened many years ago when I was in my mid-20's.

Group of 8 of us (4 couples) all having a lovely meal in a chinese restaurant, all very convivial and lively. The bill comes and one of the mathematical among us did the 8-way split plus tip. Suddenly, there's a rumbling from one person who was driving, saying she hadn't had any wine blah blah, so we offered to re-jig the bill for her. But then someone else mentioned they were driving too, so we started re-jigging the bill again - one amount for drivers and one for drinkers. The latter person says, oh no don't worry, I'll just pay an eighth of the bill, no problem.

So then (if you're still following me) the first woman goes 'oh fuck it then, I'll pay an eighth too. I mean, I probably earn more than the lot of you put together'

Now the table just fell silent open-mouthed in shock! Firstly because it was such an awful thing to say, and secondly because it actually wasn't true. She was a NQ doctor, but sat at the table with us were 2 very high earners, they just didn't flaunt their salary.

Anyway, probably completely irrelevant to the op, but I think discussing salary brings out the worst in everyone; it certainly has on this thread. I would never discuss money/salary irl.

It may well be vulgar or whatever to brag that you have a DH earning £40k (only) - not knowing the woman or how she comes across in all other respects then it is difficult to judge whether the op is being unreasonable or not. Context is important here - after all the op's friend may be surrounded by women who make her feel unworthy and insecure creating the need to 'brag' to feel more in control.

I can't help seeing the op as a stealth or 'humble' brag - £40k is nothing to write home about as my dh earns more than that. Other examples could be - "I cannot imagine how my son's teachers put up with his constant questions and corrections he must drive them mad!" [sub text - my ds is sooo clever and such a good communicator], or "I just love Ocado delivery drivers they are sooo polite and they practically put your shopping away for you!" ... you get my drift.

On the whole I prefer a blatent brag as it is annoying but not snide.

bigmouthstrikesagain how was I being snide? My thread was about someone constantly bragging about what her husband earns, not about how much mine earns. If I'd have done a thread "My husband earns X per year" there wouldn't have been anything to discuss or ask AIBU about would there?

But if you want blatent brags; my DH earns 75k per year, my DD2 is extremely bright and is on the gifted and talented register, and I LOVE getting my Ocado deliveries once a week. Un-snide enough for you?

Total aside here, but sometimes I love that I don't have to prefix our family's income with "My DH earns..."! Not being at home with DD is at times very shit, even if she is happy as larry with DH, but it has its upsides!

Hex - I don't think you meant it as a brag and it has been an interesting discussion to see how different opeople live on different amounts, but I admit that when I first read the OP I thought it was a joke post to entice unknowing MNers to reply "Oh that's nothing, my DH earns waaay more, he eanrs £[100]K and we are soooo poor!". I know it wasn't meant like that though!

There was a hilarious joke post a while ago that was along the lines of "AIBU to get cross at nursery worker/teacher or something who doesn't think that my DD is super talented? She is only three and can already count to ten and knows her colours". Which elicited cries of: "Oh god, soooo normal and not talented... my DD/DS can count to one hundred in French and Latin and writes 10 page stories aged 2.5 but he/she is soooo not special or talented" [smugggity, smug smug]. HILARIOUS!

LOL legallyblond I remember a similar thread once about children being tall and thin and it got lots of disgruntled replies "But my DD really is tall and thin". Also yesterday there was another thread where someone mentioned having old clothes and then of course there were the "Well MY clothes are MUCH older than yours". It's funny and is totally predictable on here really.

At the moment I'm perfectly happy to say "My DH earns" as I had a very well paid career before DC and we made a decision that I would stay at home for the family's benefit. It doesn't make me feel bad about myself to rely on DH's earnings as I'm happy with the choices I have made.

No - I would love to be at home sometimes! Other times, coming into work is a break while DH soldiers on at home looking after a puking DD (yesterday)!

We had a deal too - DH used to have a very well paid job. He jacked it in to totally change his career for a very worthwhile but badly paid job (his salary dropped by 80%!). At the time, the decision was that this would mean I would be the breadwinner when DCs came along. I knew and accepted that. Family life is unusul but it totally works! And we also wanted someone at home... its just its DH!

Hex you did post on aibu - the go to for bunfights and then are offended at a different take on your intentions. Sorry that you feel affronted. But I was trying to see the situation you described from a different pov - it is all conjecture and really I do not know you and am not really meaning to judge you - but I do think your op could be seen as a snarky attitude towards a women you find annoying as she brags about money when you are 'better off' than her.

We are all interested in how we compare to others on some level and all have different attitudes towards money and talking about money. It might be helpful to think about how you come across instead of leaping into the defensive as not everyone does agree with you about £40K not being that much... just saying [shrug]

I would find this woman annoying but I would also wonder why she felt so insecure in my company that she felt the need to mention money so blatently.

As I have said, several times on this thread, bigmouth, she is like it to the entire group of us, not just to me.

Believe me, if we had a lower income than her, I would find her constant bragging annoying.

Out of interest, why isn't it acceptable for the OP on any AIBU threads to express disagreement with any posters however rude those posters might be in their replies to the OP? If you're the OP are you just expected to be judged and spoken to like shit and just say "thanks for the replies"? I'm very confused.

I posted my post, some agreed with me, some disagreed. I disagreed with things that some posters that disagreed with me said and challenged them as I felt their judgments were wrong. I am as entitled to say what I wish to say as anyone else is on this public forum.

[clutches handbag] I just thought you are taking any counter responses a bit personally - believe me I have been disagreed with plenty and I find a bit of heated discussion very bracing - as no one really knows me what do I have to be offended by?

please don't misunderstand me Hex you have every right to your opinion as do we all. I don't mean to be mischeivous I just have a different opinion - if the woman in question is completely crass and you and your other friends very charitable in putting up with her then great - you have vented in frustration online - hopefully she won't come across it and recognise herself....

Oh well, if she does then she does [shrugs]

Women bragging about Dh's earnings . I for one was not bragging but while we are on it, DH could not do it with out me, I earn it too.

When this thread started I didn't think it had much legs. Yet here we all are. Talk about a lot being said about nothing.

In London the bus drivers get paid about £40k when you take into consideration overtime. City guys get paid a lot more although low level paper shufflers (eg admin) are on about £18 to £25k.

Outside of the M25 corridor £40k is about what a manager gets in a manufacturing company. A senior accountant is looking at about £60k.

We can agree that there are people who in jobs that pay considerably less and there are people who are paid considerably more than £40k.

Is £40k a lot of money. It depends, is the answer. Is it vulgar to boast about it? Probably. Solution? Bit your lip and live with it OR avoid the 'friend'. This is just a 'Guy' solution so feel free to ignore it :)