to think 40k isn't *that* high a salary?

[HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer]

Someone I know is constantly boasting that their DH earns 40k per year. Every time I meet up with her (she is in a group of friends), she will drop it into the conversation at every available opportunity. If someone admires something she's wearing she will say something like "well it was from X shop but I can afford stuff like that as DH earns 40k a year". It's difficult to explain how she does it, but somehow she manages to mention it several times each time I've seen her, not just to me but to everyone.

Now I know 40k is a decent wage compared to some, but its not that good really is it? Certainly not a wage to boast and brag about. By the time they've paid their rent (it's 1k per month, she's told us all that several hundred times too), bills and other things I wouldn't think they're left with a huge amount.

I really couldn't give a monkeys what anyone else earns but I'm just surprised that she seems to think its so unusual and so worth bragging about.

Don't take offense Yellow - my husband does that all the time too. I don't understand why - it's like announcing "I don't belong in this place - it's too nice and I'm not used to going to nice places!" Thing is, why shouldn't you go to "posh" places if you want? Screw class.

I don't think it is like announcing that. I think it's like saying "wow, this is nice".

I go to a lot of posh places, I don't feel like I don't belong. In fact, the posher the place, the more people tend to make you feel that you DO belong there.

Now we hardly ever go anywhere posh, so when we do, I prefer to act pretty cool, like I live there .

A lot seems to have happened on this thread.

I think I understand the insensitivity point, Rhubarb, but I would say that one of the reasons that I value Mumsnet is that it gives me real and genuine insight into worlds other than my own (for instance caring for a disabled child, or the delights of having multiples etc). Proper insight, rather than the casual ones afforded by a newspaper.

So I don't think that anyone should be shouted down. FWIW, a household income of £40k here would be a dramatic shock. It makes a difference where you live and it also makes a difference the sort of long-term commitments you might have made, for instance to supporting relatives or to school-fees or whatever.

I agree that people on here have very different experiences, Quattrocento, but I think some people could word things a lot better.

To say 40k isn't THAT high a salary when a lot of people are struggling on salaries half that and less is insensitive.

A lot of people have qualified that with "oh but I live in London". Well, a lot of people have salaries of a lot less than 40K in London - and no, not everyone gets tax credits and so on.

What would have been the problem with the OP saying "AIBU to think that my friend shouldn't boast about her husband's salary?"

I don't think the issue here is the size of the salary but the need to go on about it. It's vulgar.

I grew up on benefits and worked my way up to a similar salary by the age of 30 and DH earns close to 50k. IRL we keep that to ourselves as family and friends are not so well off and it seems insensitive to brag. Most of my family still live in council houses and earn close to minimum wage. We quietly and without any ceremony get the bill at family occasions.

I shop in charity shops and happily use aldi moisturiser and collection 2000 make-up. I don't think growing up poor (as some posters have said) excuses bleating on about your DH's salary and being flash.

yellow agree about the wording of the title as it's the boasting that is the issue. My DB and SIL earn £30k on 2 salaries with 2 kids and could only dream of £40k! They manage though.

Yellow I travel a lot for my job and often stay in very posh hotels. I always end up saying something along the lines of 'this is posh' cos, you know, it is! I never bother with posh restaurants though, even when invited, since there isn't much point (Vegans are more unwelcome in posh restaurants than they are in normal one, in my exoerience).

I just don't have any issue with people talking about how much money they earn - I mean, it's boring to listen to, but I don't think it's vulgar.

A quick "oh do stop banging on" would more than suffice.

I agree it is vulgar to go on about money and it is interesting that she is not from a poor background. When you grow up with nothing, It is such a relief to have escaped, that you can't help but share your joy. However if it were my friend, I hope that I could just be happy for her. I may be concerned that she felt the need to share with people how much her husband earns. I would be a little worried that maybe something else was making her unhappy and that maybe she felt the need to overcompensate.

I do not think there is anything wrong in being proud of your husband's achievements. My dh and I are both incredibly proud of each other. We both have, in different ways, carved out careers, with little help or advantage. I share with people my pride and I do hope they are not sneering at me behind my back. To be honest if my dh earned enough to support me as a SAHM I would feel very proud, that is a huge achievement out of most people's reach.

I earn in the region of 40k and whilst I do not feel rich ( from my peers I am one of the lowest earners) I do feel fortunate. Whilst most of my friends earn more than me, I earn more than most of my family could dream of. I have lived on benefits and for a while earned 10k as a part time teacher . I do look back to those times and think, " thank God they are over". That is not because I look down on anyone but because I know that being poor is shit. Sometimes with friends we will discuss how much easier life is, that is not bragging but just acknowledging that we are lucky.

We al tend to live up to our income and therefore to be honest I do not think that I could now live on a household income of 40k. Again that is not being sneery but we would have to make big adjustments to our life . If the average income is 26k, is the average household income not higher than 40k? I don't know .

I do have a friend who is always boasting about things she has bought, how much things cost, the next holiday etc. Whilst it is not something I would do myself, I value their friendship and therefore I would not want it to get in the way.

Yes, obviously there is a huge difference between average earnings and average family income. I was going to point that out before but didn't want to be contentious :)

From the ONS survey in 2006

"The average family income is £32,779 before tax.

According to ONS figures, an average household - made up of 3.9 people - spends £601.20 a week, compared with a couple's average spend of £527.30. In other words, the household spends £155.60 per head, compared with a couple's spend of £263.60 per head."

That average family income is lower than I was expecting. The OPs friend is right to feel very fortunate.

Can i ask what people mean by 'boasting'? Do you mean any talk about things you bought/own?

For example, i know that saying 'i bought a new coat, i could never wear last year's coat' etc is boasting. But what if you say 'oh i'm so excited, i bought a new coat that i love', would that be boasting/vulgar?

I'm asking because i'm the kind of person who gets excited easily and who shows it, even with an ice cream. I think that some people read too much in every word others say when the explanation can be much simpler i.e. certain hormones that make you easily excited/happy, cultural reasons, previous experiences etc.

There's feeling fortunate and there's banging on about it all the time. I feel very fortunate about mine and DH's lot but would expect short shrift from friends if I told the world and his wife at every opportunity about all the things we can afford because of our salaries.

The most well-off people I know (including DH's family) are very low-key people. It screams 'new money' when people harp on about their cash and seems a little insecure.

I cant help thinking about the Harry Enfield character (brummy bloke and his wife) who boasted about the things he was able to buy because "I am conSIDerably richer than you"

I think sneering at new money is more vulgar than being proud of the things you have worked to achieve. Money is money.

Millon very low-key people make me suspicious, also at least 'new money people' are likely to buy you a drink in the pub

I'm surprised at how this thread has gone on.

No I don't think 40k is a very high salary. Most graduates I know start on or around that salary, and bonuses can top it up a lot too.

She sounds vile for boasting no matter what salary he is on too.

splashy - national stats would say otherwise so it must just be that you mix in those circles

I am proud of what I have achieved. I now have an income of £15,000 pa, pay my bills, have never had any debts (except mortgage now paid off), belong to U3A, WI, Croydon MCC (don't care if you know), go out for meals and other activities and have a full life with groups of friends from my schooldays, friends from when I was 19, work friends from more than 25 years ago. I cannot understand why people have such small lives with larger incomes. Yes, I am now alone after my DH died but I continue the life he put into his.

To me £40k is a lot of money. It's more than we bring in between us. I was well excited to break the £10k mark! Mr Average earns about £12 - 15k round here. But we live in the cold wastelands of the north where salaries and to an extent costs are lower. If DH earned that which will only ever be a dream unless he wins the lottery I would have been able to give up work and be a SAHM which is what I want.

I do think

Many people have said that even in London £40k would be a decent salary, but this isn't about oneupmanship it's about a thread title coming just days after benefit cuts debates that the OP cannot have missed which included the struggles many families have to face.

I agree with whoever said that this amount would be life changing for many families (noddy?) and that's what we have to put into perspective here. The government expect people to survive, even in London, on a cap of £26k and many people were saying that this was too much and £26k was more than enough for any families on benefits. Yet on the flip side we have families here who say they would struggle on £40k because of where they live etc.

It puts things into perspective doesn't it? The thread title was crass and offensive to many people and lots of posters came on to point that out. Few of those who said that £40k was not a good wage have conceded any points whatsoever. If any. Yet there have been plenty of people who earn much less who have reasoned and listened and stated their points much eloquently than I. I hope this is borne in mind next time someone wants to start slating benefit claimants or start threads telling the whole of Mumsnet that £40k is not a good wage to get.

splashy - you must mix in unusual circles. Most graduates nationally do not start on anywher near that amount (and many don't get there 25 years down the line!)
However, the point isn't how much the OP's friend's dh earns, as the fact she's banging on about it all the time. Surely most friends would point it out to her in no uncertain tersm, that they already know this, and ask why she's telling them again.

Oops! I do think the current times mean that money is an emotive subject, demonstrated time and time again on here. We have a tit like the OPs friend in our family who bangs on about how she earns £45k. Our family is quite diverse, some of us are well off and some of us are not. This person manages to unite us all on our opinion!