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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think 40k isn't *that* high a salary?

530 replies

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 30/01/2012 11:01

Someone I know is constantly boasting that their DH earns 40k per year. Every time I meet up with her (she is in a group of friends), she will drop it into the conversation at every available opportunity. If someone admires something she's wearing she will say something like "well it was from X shop but I can afford stuff like that as DH earns 40k a year". It's difficult to explain how she does it, but somehow she manages to mention it several times each time I've seen her, not just to me but to everyone.

Now I know 40k is a decent wage compared to some, but its not that good really is it? Certainly not a wage to boast and brag about. By the time they've paid their rent (it's 1k per month, she's told us all that several hundred times too), bills and other things I wouldn't think they're left with a huge amount.

I really couldn't give a monkeys what anyone else earns but I'm just surprised that she seems to think its so unusual and so worth bragging about.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 30/01/2012 11:13

No it isn't that much, how weird to go on about it though!

MidnightinMoscow · 30/01/2012 11:15

How cringe worthy.

Have any of your other friends commented on this?

sunshineandbooks · 30/01/2012 11:16

£40k puts you in the top 25% of earners in the country. If he earned another £4800, he'd be in the top 10%. £58,000 will see you in the topp 5%, while you'd have to earn nearly £120,000 or more to be in the top 1%. Makes you realise how the very wealthy really skew the 'average' wage, which is about £26,000.

He's earning a lot more than most. However, if he's the only earner, then things could actually be quite tight, since the government's own measurement of a comfortable lifestyle (i.e including broadband and one UK holiday a year, but not other 'luxuries) maintains that a typical family of four needs about £45,000 a year.

I'd just ignore it or ask her to pay for lunch. Are you sure she's not trying to justify her spending to you though? Perhaps she feels extravagant and is trying to make excuses. What would happen if you said you found it irritating? Would she flounce or stop?

Jins · 30/01/2012 11:16

Time for the phrase..

"is that all?"

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/01/2012 11:18

She's not related to Harry Enfield's Brummie Businessman is she?

JerichoStarQuilt · 30/01/2012 11:18

It's a bit naff to boast, but you sound a bit mean actually - why do you need to insist it's not a big salary? If you dislike boasting surely it doesn't matter how much the amount is she's boasting about?

Personally I would be thrilled if I or DH earned that and I would feel quite proud.

flywiththecrows · 30/01/2012 11:18

Anything is a great salary if you don't have mega debt.

I'd be happy on £40k but I certainly wouldn't boast about it.

My response would be

Oooh £40k, how sweet, I remember the struggles we had when we were earning only £40k, I'm glad you're economising

MidnightWorry · 30/01/2012 11:19

we earn less and i still wear dior mascara, tell her that

wordfactory · 30/01/2012 11:20

I am loving all the posters looking down their noses at how little 40k is.

Do you know how much ordinary folk earn?
Do you know how bloody much ordinary folk outside the UK earn?

You call this person vulgar for mentioning it...I think it's bloody vulgar not accepting how lucky we are.

Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 30/01/2012 11:20

I think you sound mean too, jerochostarquilt for making a judgement about me based on one post on a forum.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 30/01/2012 11:21

Well, my first instinct was to gently rib her next time you met, by jumping in at some point before she opened her mouth with "Oh! Wait! My psychic powers are strong today! You were about to say that you can afford that because your husband earns £40k!". Just to make her aware that she's predictable doing this.

But now everyone else has got me thinking about why she might be doing this. The amount her DH earns is immaterial, it's how she feels about it and what it means to her. Security? Luxury? An excuse to be a SAHM if she's not comfortable with not earning herself? Just habit?

Ooh, difficult to know what would be best ...

Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 30/01/2012 11:21

wordfactory I don't think anyone has said 40k is a small amount. However it's hardly a super-high salary that very few people are earning. Certainly not worth boasting about constantly IMO.

OP posts:
Ephiny · 30/01/2012 11:22

I wouldn't actually 'look down my nose' at someone for earning 40k, I realise many families have to manage on that or less.

Someone openly bragging about it is leaving themselves open to well-deserved ridicule though. It's horrible to keep going on about how much money you have.

wordfactory · 30/01/2012 11:24

Hex posters are saying it's not that much.
Yet, it puts someone in the top 25% of earners in the UK and top 4% around the world.

I think it's fantastic to celebrate how fortunate we are.

Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 30/01/2012 11:25

I don't think I will say anything to her. She's pleasant enough and seems a nice girl, it's just that I find it so very irritating that it all comes down to being about money with her. I would prefer it if she could just accept a compliment about something she's wearing without having to assure us all that it was from an expensive shop because she can afford it, or could just talk about what she's cooking for dinner that night but without mentioning that she prefers the Finest range as they can afford it. I personally couldn't give a monkeys whether they are having caviar or value lentils.

Yes, others in our social group have mentioned it and said they find it annoying. I think if I was to tell her I find it irritating that it would upset her and might make her not want to come on our meet ups, and I wouldnt' want to do that to her.

OP posts:
MeconiumHappens · 30/01/2012 11:25

*I am loving all the posters looking down their noses at how little 40k is.

Do you know how much ordinary folk earn?
Do you know how bloody much ordinary folk outside the UK earn?

You call this person vulgar for mentioning it...I think it's bloody vulgar not accepting how lucky we are.*

Agreed. Mumsnet is not representative of the nation as a whole and i think a lot of posters forget that 40k is a bloody lot to a large percentage of the population.

Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 30/01/2012 11:26

Do you think constantly saying how much her husband earns is celebrating how fortunate she is then wordfactory? Do you do the same thing as her?

OP posts:
flywiththecrows · 30/01/2012 11:26

OP - amongst your friends, are you all earning more than £40k or roughly the same?

Maybe, she isn't earning that and is just trying to give the impression that she does.

something about 'protesting too much' and all that

wordfactory · 30/01/2012 11:29

Hex well it could be celebrating. She could feel very very fortunate and can't quite believe her luck.
I know I felt that way when I first earned £16k Grin.
And when I went into higher rate tax, well boy, I felt I'd made it big time.

I've always felt that way, every time DH and my earnings have increased. I've never become simpply accustomed to our wealth. I've never taken it for granted.

Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 30/01/2012 11:29

I have no idea how much any of the others earn tbh. She's the only one who discusses money. At a guess I'd say it's probably roughly the same for most, more for a couple of us. My DH earns more than 40k but I've never mentioned it and we don't live extravagently so I can't imagine how she would know IYKWIM. I always go and get bargain fruit and veg when it's reduced at the end of the day, for example, and it's well known in the group that i do that, and I buy loads of the DCs clothes secondhand from local facebook selling pages, again it's known in the group that I do that. So I'm guessing she perhaps would think we earn less than her?

OP posts:
GothAnneGeddes · 30/01/2012 11:30

Yes, the issue isn't the amount, so YABU for your origin question, but yes it's very vulgar to boast about money.

However all those saying it's a piddling amount, I hope you aren't the same people supporting the cuts to public sector pensions.

Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 30/01/2012 11:30

wordfactory yes but do you celebrate by constantly telling everyone? Grin

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/01/2012 11:32

wordfactory I dont think people were saying £40K isn't a good salary but were pointing out that in London, for example, the position is skewed and so there are quite a large number of people earning over £40K so earning £40K in London is not that unusual. For example, I know a number of bus and tube drivers (DH used to drive a bus) and they earn £30K+overtime. Where some of my family live in S Wales earning £40K would be exceptional.

Either way bragging about your wealth especially when others may not be so well off is distasteful.

Glittertwins · 30/01/2012 11:32

I wouldn't be on about it, we earn about the same as similarly aged neighbours I think, going on the jobs we do. £40k isn't huge, I would miss the salary if it stopped even though we have a relatively low monthly mortgage which is a lot less than renting an identical property but I could manage, just would rather not have to just manage.

Sidge · 30/01/2012 11:33

I would guess that they're not as flush as she is making herself out to be and she's trying to convince herself and her friends that they're loaded.

Sort of 'Keeping up with the Joneses'.

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