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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think 40k isn't *that* high a salary?

530 replies

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 30/01/2012 11:01

Someone I know is constantly boasting that their DH earns 40k per year. Every time I meet up with her (she is in a group of friends), she will drop it into the conversation at every available opportunity. If someone admires something she's wearing she will say something like "well it was from X shop but I can afford stuff like that as DH earns 40k a year". It's difficult to explain how she does it, but somehow she manages to mention it several times each time I've seen her, not just to me but to everyone.

Now I know 40k is a decent wage compared to some, but its not that good really is it? Certainly not a wage to boast and brag about. By the time they've paid their rent (it's 1k per month, she's told us all that several hundred times too), bills and other things I wouldn't think they're left with a huge amount.

I really couldn't give a monkeys what anyone else earns but I'm just surprised that she seems to think its so unusual and so worth bragging about.

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 30/01/2012 14:02

£40k isn't a lot in the scheme of things, but still an achievement as it is more than average. To

We live in a v expensive area on DH's salary which is circa £40k and are comfortable, the only way we would be considered broke would be if we were servicing large debts or living beyond our means...neither of which we do.

She would be being vulgar Ro boast about any level of income however.

LoveInAColdClimate · 30/01/2012 14:03

Oh, and we have no debt other than mortgage and car payments (and a tiny bit of my student loan). And our mortgage LTV was something like 70% so not as if 95% mortgage.

Perhaps we are just rubbish with money but we do really, really try.

legallyblond · 30/01/2012 14:03

It's true Rhubarb... from what I can gather, noone on here is saying anyone who earns less than 40K is worthless! Its just turned into an (interesting) debate on how people manage, or not, on different salaries - cos its naff to talk about in RL, so interesting here!

OrmIrian · 30/01/2012 14:05

Hmm... that's a little disingenuous isn't it? You don't have to be completely lacking in self-worth to feel a bit put out when someone on here acts as if your income is a mere pittance. If you have spent ages getting to the point where you earn that it might well make you feel a bit down-hearted.

Ephiny · 30/01/2012 14:05

"If you earn less than £20k and you hear someone moaning about how they couldn't survive on £40k how would that make you feel? Worthless perhaps? Because that's how those comments make me feel."

It wouldn't make me feel worthless. As I said, I do earn quite a small amount at the moment (PhD stipend), and I don't think I'm 'worth' any more or less than when I was earning what I consider a good salary in a full-time City-type job. If anything I feel better about myself as I feel I'm doing something more useful and fulfilling (when I'm not on MN Wink)

We have a decent household income thanks to DP's salary, and no childcare costs yet (no debts other than student loans and mortgage) - so we probably would be OK on 40k at the moment, though we wouldn't be able to save much. But when we have children (requiring full-time nursery or nanny), and want to move to a larger house, I really don't think we could manage on that amount.

That doesn't mean I think less of people who live in a more affordable part of the country (I envy them in fact, I don't like London!) or who don't need childcare, and therefore could live comfortably on much less.

Maybe you need to examine why your sense of worth is so closely linked to your salary? Confused

DoesNotGiveAFig · 30/01/2012 14:06

I think the divide between rent & housing in london and everywhere else is shagging well ridiculous. Why is it so expensive? Demand? Because that's where the high end jobs are so everyone wants to be there? Is that right?

wordfactory · 30/01/2012 14:07

Of course you can make others feel worthless.

Particularly if you don't think their achievemnets are worth anyhting. Wasn't that the point of all the suggested comments along the lines of 'is that all' ? Weren't they intended to make the op's friend feel less worthy?

legallyblond · 30/01/2012 14:07

Sausages - totally - I see that. I guess my eye was just caught becasue £40K will be our new, total salary and I think we should be able to manage just fine (out of London of course)! But there are loads of factors that are hard to quantify - I had lots of financial help early on, so I am not really a good yardstick!

I have NO IDEA how anyone today saves for a substantial deposit for instance...!

DoesNotGiveAFig · 30/01/2012 14:08

Maybe you need to examine why your sense of worth is so closely linked to your salary?

Like Orm said, if you've worked REALLY hard to get to a 40k wage and someone trots along and shits all over it saying "it isn't much, certainly not worth boasting about" I'd be more than a little upset tbh.

PushyDad · 30/01/2012 14:08

tinkertitonk: Your husband earns £40million AND you are hanging out here???? :) :) :)

Or are you surfing off your St Lucia holiday home wi-fi?

Zondra · 30/01/2012 14:08

TheRhubarb- I believed that your comments were directed at me as you'd mentioned me by name in the post that contained those remarks.

However, I really appreciate your apology & I can see how it can get confusing on here! It's very fast-paced sometimes.
I think I'm permanently confused on here! Grin

I would like to reiterate that I would never look down on others for having less & I am sad to think that anything I've said has made anyone feel worthless.
If I have it was most definitely unintentional.

Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 30/01/2012 14:09

wordfactory but is my friend not trying to make others' feel worthless by insinuating that her income is higher than theirs and that everyone should be impressed by it? Works both ways

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LoveInAColdClimate · 30/01/2012 14:10

It's all to do with disposable income, isn't it? My SIL earns less than us but lives in a very cheap area and is able to walk to work so no commuting costs. While we haven't discussed it, from her lifestyle I would guess that she has a lot more disposable income than we do.

TheRhubarb · 30/01/2012 14:10

Unhappy with your dh's income? Where have I said that Hex?

I am trying to make you all understand that when you say you cannot survive on £40k a year in front of people who HAVE to survive on less then it DOES make that person feel inferior and it shows incredible insensitivity.

thetasigmamum - hard work alone is not enough. Yes you can battle against all the odds and come out on top and still not earn £40k, it all depends what you consider a success to be. And unfortunately the way this country is run, those born in less well off areas are statistically going to be less successful. There are always exceptions and thank god there are, but hard work alone does not get you where you want to go. There are many people who have worked damned hard and still not able to provide a decent standard of living for their families and there are those who have had it all handed to them on a plate through wealthy parents, inheritance and so on.

The tuition fees is just one other stumbling block put in place to deter working class people from going to University.

I have heard many people say that if you worked harder you'd be more successful, earn more, etc. That's not the case at all and is borne from the assumption that those living below the poverty line simply don't work hard enough.

Bunbaker · 30/01/2012 14:10

"No £40K was my starting salary."

My starting salary was £2,000

In London

In 1977 Grin

sausagesandmarmelade · 30/01/2012 14:11

Seriously...has anyone on this thread said that they are struggling on 40k or made a condescending comment about anyone earning less?

There will always be people who earn more and less than ourselves...

I know people on 100k a year...I'm glad for them. Good for them...
I know what it's like to live on a lot less but I never begrudged those earning more (I hope I didn't)....

lesley33 · 30/01/2012 14:11

thetasigamamum - I do know what you mean. I come from a very poor area and a rough school. But my parents wanted me to have a better lifestyle and encouraged me to apply to university and aim higher.

I went to school with kids as bright or brighter than me that worked hard in school, but nobody ever ever suggested they went to university. I am 47 and I know at that time for many, university was seen as somewhere only "posh" kids went to.

So yes it was luck that meant that I was born to a family that encouraged me to aim higher.

LoveInAColdClimate · 30/01/2012 14:11

While I feel for you, Rhubarb, if no-one said anything on here that risked making someone else bad, MN would be utterly, utterly silent!

wordfactory · 30/01/2012 14:11

Is that what she's doing though hex?
Or is she just loving her own good fortune?

If she is trying to prove her superiority then that's not nice. But if she's just saying 'wow, this is great isn't it' then I think that's fine.

TheRhubarb · 30/01/2012 14:14

Actually Orm, believe it or not we have worked very hard to earn this much. I've spent 3 years in trying to establish myself as self-employed and dh has been under threat of redundancy twice, the last time he accepted this low pay and a new job role rather than be made redundant. He works very hard for his employers, often driving 500 miles a day and has taken many many tests to become qualified as a heavy plant hire driver and HGV driver.

So yeah, it kinda sucks when someone shits all over that by saying that an amount more than half what you work hard at earning, isn't something they could live on.

Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 30/01/2012 14:14

In that post of yours that I quoted further up, Rhubarb where you said you were happy with your life and children and income etc and why wasn't I happy with mine.

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 30/01/2012 14:14

This thread has just proved my old dad's maxim - 'Never discuss money, religion of politics with friends'. Because you always end up upsetting someone.

OrmIrian · 30/01/2012 14:15

Which is what hex said in the OP I guess Grin

Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 30/01/2012 14:16

Rhubarb this is the post in which you asked why I am not happy:

"Hex, I wasn't aiming my comments just at you but others who have contributed and yes actually, because you've just summed up the attitude when you said "It's not about not having the chance to earn a good income, it's about getting out there and earning it."

Actually it IS luck. Because there are many many people who have worked very hard and haven't stopped working since they left school. People who have paid their own way through University but still ended up with minimum wage jobs. To say that all you have to do is get out there an earn it shows a complete and utter ignorance of the state of affairs of our economy AND the job market.

As I said on a different thread, when I lost my job in a school I applied for many jobs that I was both qualified to do and had experience in. I didn't even get acknowledgement letters.

Yes you should be bloody grateful! I'm grateful that I have a home of my own, 2 beautiful children and a hard working and honest husband. I am grateful and lucky that I found the chance to work for myself. I am luckier than most and I am very grateful for our position in life.

Why are you not?"

So I repeat my question. Where have I said I am not happy with my position in life?

OP posts:
Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 30/01/2012 14:17

And I re-iterate, Rhubarb, you and you alone are responsible for you feeling worthless. No one else

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