To think that just because her baby was conceived through IVF does not make them more "precious" "loved" or more likely to be preyed on by sex offenders??

[BackToB4Beatrice]

I sometimes take DD out with a group of friends and friends of friends for a dog walk and some tea and cake. One woman (friend of friend) has an adopted teenage son, and then a daughter (2.5) through IVF.

There was about 12 toddlers out today, and a one point two of them were missing (for about 15 seconds, had snuck into a small wooded area). When they were found, said mum turned to me and said "the thing is Beatrice, people just don't understand how precious X is, we just love her so much, and she is so beautiful she is just the kind of child somebody would, you know, TAKE"

This is not the first type of comment like this. And I'm afraid to say I just snubbed her a bit, raised my eyebrows and said "really?".

I'm sure it was a bit rude of me but I just felt like telling her to fuck off. Every child is precious, and me and DP love DD so so much, despite being unplanned and probably being a bit young (not teenagers, I was 21 but we definately could of done with a few more years before she trundled along!) when she was born.

And don't even get me started on the "taken" thing! WTF?

Go on, I'm BU, aren't I? Guess I Gould cut her more slack?

Wannabe, that is just nonsense. So having a bio child aftre an adopted one proves that you dont feel the same? Why? Does having a second bio child aftre the first prove you didnt really love the first one? Should all families to limited to one child to prove their love for their first?

What on earth do you mean, having your " own child" aftre adopting? So whose child is her first?

And lots of families adopt for reasons other than infertility

Show her the Brass Eye "paedophilia" episode.

Isn't the point that all mothers think their precious child is special. Nobody else counts anymore and everyone else is irrelevant. Maybe if mothers started to consider that other people have feelings rather than expecting everyone to tolerate their offspring because they are special then the world would be a better place.

I was thinking of that one cotes

Particularly the bit where he asks the roboplegic wrongcock whether he wants to abuse his son, and he says no I just don't fancy him, and then Chris Morris gets the hump.

Maryz I don't feel adoption is relevant to your rage anyway. Most people like to have more than one child, regardless of how they acquire them. It isn't a reflection on the first child in any case.

I used to have a friend who thought her DD was for more special than any other child, being with her was utterly exhausting and after two years of indulging and trying to reason with her anxieties I gave up.

Examples include:
her DD not being allowed to walk to the shops with her Grandmother, as she wouldn't be strong enough to beat off any potential abductors - she said her daughter was so beautiful that everyone would want her.

At 4 she was still fed by her mother as she wasn't allowed to get her beautiful face messy.

She was still co-sleeping with her daughter when I last saw her just before her 5th birthday - no real issue with that except her DP had spent 5 years in the spare bedroom.

At pre-school she wasn't allowed to go on the minibus (they crash you know) and was driven to wherever it was by her mum.

There are many more examples and It was completely bonkers and heartbreaking to watch, but it got to the point where I couldn't take the my child is cleverer / more loved (her reasoning was that I had two DCs and had to share my affection) / better behaved than yours any longer.

Feel sorry for the adopted child.

Sounds to me like she meant people who abduct kids don't think of how precious they are to their parents. Even if she didn't, why must she automatically mean your child is less precious.
Sounds like its just a touchy subject for you.

Always amazed how people tell you on here to write people off as friends based on one heat of moment comment.

YABU

I would have had the same reaction . I hate it when people say things like that . She was basically saying her child is the best looking child and therefore more likely to be stolen . Pfb itis she definately has .

I would have had to bite my lip from saying something like" yeah I know, I'm so lucky my dd isn't as beautiful as yours so I don't have to worry about anyone (wisper) taking her"

Even with tge sarky reply I do feel for her, can you put yourself in her place all those years, all those periods tgat arrived to tell you yet again you are not pg, possibly having mc and then all tgat IVF entails, I'd probably go on abit as well. But then you see my dd really is tge most beautiful in tge land..........

It is quite simple, every DC is precious. How you got them is totally irrelevant.

My DD was referred to as a " precious " pregnancy, " precious " baby and we were allocated a midwife who stayed from onset of labour to actual delivery (3 days - she went home to sleep when they gave up overnight each time on inducing). I don't think she is more precious than other baby/child

However, I have always been more neurotic than friends who had natural conception and delivery or who had more than one, if something happens to any child it's horrific. Truly is, but if something happens to your only child and there is no chance of ever having natural conception, your status as a family depends solely on that child. It's hard to explain, she isn't more precious than anyone, but our parental status is irreplaceable. Make sense?

Oh and reading back some of this last page as I had jumped to the end . . . . If I had a pound for each time someone said to me "ah you'll have your own one day" or "do you think you love her like your own" - I'd have at least £20 and probably a few more friends . . . . .

Dd was mine from conception is how I look at it, just carried elsewhere. Same as any other adopted or surrogate child, an adopted child might have been given up by or taken away from someone else but the families lucky enough to welcome them in have been wanting and waiting for them for years.

QOD I think I see what you're trying to say but it could be construed that you think naturally received children are replaceable, which they are not as each one is precious regardless of conception.

*naturally conceived

I have a friend who is a bit like that. She was 44 when she had her DC and he will be an only. She had several MCs prior to holding on to him, so she does have the same attitude as the OP's acquaintance - he was so much wanted, she went through so much to have him (every MC needed a D&C afterwards as well), he is so precious to her - and I just know if anything happened to him it would be the end of her, completely.

I have an only, looking like it's going to stay that way now but I got pg very easily with him so I can see, from her POV, how I wouldn't be able to understand how much she went through before her DS arrived; she's calmed down a bit now since I've had a few MCs myself but still - I already had DS, so it's still not quite the same.

I have some sympathy with her because of the stresses she went through before her precious DS was born; but her DS is no more important than mine or anyone else's. The loss of any child should be devastating to all normal caring parents, regardless of how hard it was to conceive and bear them in the first place.

So - while I think in general YANBU, OP - have a bit more sympathy for her if you can. :)

I think she was inferring that her daughter is more special/precious by her "people don´t understand how precious she is".

I think that that is vastly insulting.

No no,not the CHILD, the family status is what I mean.
I cant get the words to come right

My dd isn't anymore precious than anyone, it's impossible to explain (for me) but I wonder if that particular woman had her baby/pregnancy refered to as precious during as well? Maybe she's more unbalanced than me :D

A friend of mine was widowed at 8 months pregnant, she already had a 7yr old, her file had "PRECIOUS PREGNANCY" added across it, she was given her own room on the ward after he was born and treated totally differently to when she had her DD. At the time she was obviously very distressed by her DHs death, but surely her son wasn't anymore precious than his sister or any other baby born that day but the hospital labelled him as such.

Sounds like the OP friend just hasn't let that go?

I can't believe she actually insinuated her child is more beautiful, precious than others,

However she clearly has issues.

DS1 took 8 years to conceive. Is is extremely precious to US and I will never forget the long years of dealing with infertility, driving to work through tears every day etc etc. He made all that pain worth it.

DS2 was conceived the 2nd month of trying. I did worry I might not feel the same way about him as it didn't take years of trying to get pregnant. Not so. He is equally as precious and gorgeous as DS2.

I can understand where her comments have come from and tbh would try under the circumstances to give her a bit of slack. Why does every comment a mother makes need to be seen as taking away from other mothers? Just let it go OP. Don't take it as a personal attack. I'm sure it wasn't meant that way.

I do have another friend who had a wee boy, very blonde, very chubby, very cute and she used to go on and on about how he was the most vulnerable child she knew as he was so gorgeous and exactly what a paedophile would look for. He was naturally conceived, so some mums are just a tad bonkers anyway lol.

QOD - I understand what you mean - you mean that if you (God forbid) lost your DS then you wouldn't be able to recreate your parental status, you would be technically childless and remain so, even though you did have a child. No child is replaceable, but parental status is (even though you have been a parent)
God, I don't think I'm making it any clearer but I think I know what you mean!