To think that just because her baby was conceived through IVF does not make them more "precious" "loved" or more likely to be preyed on by sex offenders??

[BackToB4Beatrice]

I sometimes take DD out with a group of friends and friends of friends for a dog walk and some tea and cake. One woman (friend of friend) has an adopted teenage son, and then a daughter (2.5) through IVF.

There was about 12 toddlers out today, and a one point two of them were missing (for about 15 seconds, had snuck into a small wooded area). When they were found, said mum turned to me and said "the thing is Beatrice, people just don't understand how precious X is, we just love her so much, and she is so beautiful she is just the kind of child somebody would, you know, TAKE"

This is not the first type of comment like this. And I'm afraid to say I just snubbed her a bit, raised my eyebrows and said "really?".

I'm sure it was a bit rude of me but I just felt like telling her to fuck off. Every child is precious, and me and DP love DD so so much, despite being unplanned and probably being a bit young (not teenagers, I was 21 but we definately could of done with a few more years before she trundled along!) when she was born.

And don't even get me started on the "taken" thing! WTF?

Go on, I'm BU, aren't I? Guess I Gould cut her more slack?

I can't speak for the OP Mama, by hearing that comment would upset me because it implies that her dd is more precious than mine. The friend of the friend may not have meant that and could have just worded her meaning badly, but the fact that she said that 'people don't understand' and didn't say that she meant her dd was precious to her does sound like she thinks her dd is more precious not only to her, but more precious full stop.

Exactly Beatrice! If she realised how she sounded then it would be a good thing, but if she went into the rant, then at least you would know for certain that she is a fruit loop who is best avoided or ignored.

Try it and report back!

My darling nephew is an only, and likely the only child of his generation after many terrible losses (I probably won't have any either, sadly, and that's it. so one grandchild out of my whole family). Is he, to us, the most precious thing in the entire world? God yes.

Do we let on to him? Heavens no. Would we say it to the rest of the world? Crikey no.

Is she being unreasonable to think her child is the most precious ever? Gosh no. Are you being unreasonable to vomit slightly in your mouth? Absolutely not.

It seems that she feels a lot less for her poor son who is adopted and assumes everybody is as blase and unloving toward their babies as she was with him She thinks she is the first person to feel that special bond and huge surge of hormones that overpower you after the birth, she has mistaken natural motherly love for something that happens only very rarely and only to people like her You should tell her its normal, I would

you are being harsh. she didnt say the kid was more precious than yours, she just said the kid was precious.

she obviously had bleak years of infertility and then had to travel the emotional roller coaster of ivf. she had to work bloody hard to get that kid in the first place and your post shows no understanding of the depths of her journey.

The point is that she didn't feel anything near the same for her son that she does for her daughter and she has had him since he was a baby.

I once had a colleague who believed her IVF conceived daughter was more precious than another colleagues because she'd had to pay for hers and he'd got his for free.

havent read thread but yes it does.

No, it bloody well does not!

And she thinks nobody else loves their kids like she loves her daughter. We couldn't possibly understand!..

Hmm, she sounds a bit odd. But, the thing about children born of IVF is that you think that if you lose that child, you're not only losing the child, you're also losing your one hard fought for chance at parenthood.
Does that make sense?

I speak as the mother who was SO unhinged when I had DS1 (IVF, immunomodulation, etc) that I blew up my electric steriliser, attempting to clean his Duplo.

"It seems that she feels a lot less for her poor son who is adopted and assumes everybody is as blase and unloving toward their babies as she was with him" blimey thats a major leap from worrying about her toddler! You have idea if she was the same with her son.

almost everyone thinks (thankfully) that their child is special and most of us think our child is more special than anyone elses. Most of us have the wit not to say it out loud though or we can think of a way to rationalise why they are more special.

She has found a reason why her DD is more special but doesn't have the sense to keep her mouth shut about it.

When I had DS one of the the things that I remember thinking was "gosh when people say how wonderful their children, they really mean it, they're not just saying it because its what you expect parents to say"

or we can 't think of a way to rationalise why they are more special

"The point is that she didn't feel anything near the same for her son that she does for her daughter and she has had him since he was a baby."

two more assumptions...

a) you don't know she had him as a baby
b) you have no idea how she felt about him at a similar age (even assuming he had been adopted by then)

YANBU have heard a similar comment and it pissed me off.

Mind you I wont leave the bedroom window open at might in the DCs room in case someone tries to steal them. I wouldn't actually say that out loud ever to anyone. I try to keep a lid on the crazy mist of the time.

Holly - I was still sterilising cutlery at 18 months .

Wow, it seems we know her life history and feelings towards her children from a sentance uttered at a distressing panic-stricken moment.

Animula is spot on.

you know what, I still don't agree with this notion that we should sympathize because what she has gone through etc etc.

At the time she struggled to conceive? absolutely. At that time she was going through hell undoubtedly.

But now she's had the baby, and that baby is no different to anyone else's baby just because it was conceived in a clinic.

And actually, I think that going through IVF after having adopted is probably a fair indication that she doesn't feel the same about her adopted child. Clearly being a parent wasn't enough for her. Clearly having adopted wasn't good enough and she had to have her own child.

Most authorities have a clear stipulation that if you want to adop tyou have to have ceased attempts to conceive i.e. fertility treatments. Clearly that is the case for very valid reasons - i.e. because you need to have come to terms with the fact you cannot have your own biological children..

I agree with bibbity - I would steer well clear.

Her struggle is different. The child is no different at all.

My ds is also an IVF baby - one that we were told we'd probably never have - I worship him - however I also realise that every parent feels like this and the woman sounds pretty dotty tbh.

Actually, I think it is a mad thing to say "she is just the kind of child somebody would TAKE". I would find it hard to be around a person who could actually say something that odd out loud.

It suggests that she thinks other children are less attractive to child-snatchers.

Sounds like YANBU but I would have to hear her say it to be sure and thats not going to happen

Infertility must be utter hell but how does she know people she makes those comments to havent been through equal difficulities?

She was being insensitive.
Once can be forgiven but if she does it a lot I wouldnt be able to cope with it. I would avoid.