To think that just because her baby was conceived through IVF does not make them more "precious" "loved" or more likely to be preyed on by sex offenders??

[BackToB4Beatrice]

I sometimes take DD out with a group of friends and friends of friends for a dog walk and some tea and cake. One woman (friend of friend) has an adopted teenage son, and then a daughter (2.5) through IVF.

There was about 12 toddlers out today, and a one point two of them were missing (for about 15 seconds, had snuck into a small wooded area). When they were found, said mum turned to me and said "the thing is Beatrice, people just don't understand how precious X is, we just love her so much, and she is so beautiful she is just the kind of child somebody would, you know, TAKE"

This is not the first type of comment like this. And I'm afraid to say I just snubbed her a bit, raised my eyebrows and said "really?".

I'm sure it was a bit rude of me but I just felt like telling her to fuck off. Every child is precious, and me and DP love DD so so much, despite being unplanned and probably being a bit young (not teenagers, I was 21 but we definately could of done with a few more years before she trundled along!) when she was born.

And don't even get me started on the "taken" thing! WTF?

Go on, I'm BU, aren't I? Guess I Gould cut her more slack?

YANBU and YABU..
my kids are here thanks to the gift of an egg donor and IVF. The absolute struggle of having to go that route has, in my eyes, made my kids very precious to me. BUT, no more precious than all children to all mothers.

I think take it as a comment said in panic and if she says it again, just explain how you feel to her. Acknowledge the "journey" she has been on and tell her you understand as your children are as precious to you.

IVF can do funny things to your heads ladies! - it is a very stressful and emotionally draining journey, especially if you have had to have multiple tries at it with no success, desperation to have a baby and conceive can really mess with your head. If you have never been told that you cannot have kids, you will never know how much it can cut you to the core of your womanhood. (you can probably have a good understanding) The urge (for me) to want to be a mum and hold my own baby was insane.

I can only imagine what marriedinwhite must have gone through also..(((()))

anyway OP - just remind her if she says it next time.. hopefully she will get the hint

YANBU. The length of time it takes to conceive, or difficulty, has nothing to do with how precious they are to you. I got pregnant very easily and mine couldn't be more precious. I can understand where she is coming from but I think that it is very insulting-and if she thought about it she would realise it.

MrsHeffley - sister!

Mine are pretty big now & I hardly even think about it when the older one is (very!) late home from school. I never thought I'd get to be so ... casual/brave/permitting of his autonomy. But I got there. Utterly sure it'll be the same for you. The big thing I have now (in common, I would guess, with most parents) is an incredible happy awareness of how much I love them & how great that is.

(This should come with a "terrible hippy" warning!)

I'd give her a wide swerve from now on if I were you.

YANBU.

I've seen the downside of this. Friend of mine whose baby was conceived through IVF. He was a very difficult baby, really bad colic and screamed for hours from 5pm onwards - one day I was there and she said she felt so guilty for wishing he would shut up because she'd been so lucky to have him. (Fortunately he grew out of it and became a much happier baby.)

Have another friend who has just had a baby at age 43 after years of IVF. I do find myself thinking about how precious he is, because it just seemed so ruddy unlikely she'd succeed - I was very supportive through all the unsuccessful cycles but privately wasn't holding out much hope, so was astonished and delighted when she did become pregnant. The baby's gorgeous, btw.

IUseTooMuch- I am exactly the same as you!! Exactly. Unplanned, smoked for 12 weeks etc etc. I sometimes have moments of complete all empowering GUILT.

Animula- I know totally what you mean, it sometimes hits me with how lucky I am to have her, and how fast and loose I (unintentionally) conceived her and behaved before I realised I was pregnant.

Mine will also always be an only, due to health complications for me after giving birth.

If any thing comes up in conversation I always just say- I know how lucky I am to have her (and to be alive to enjoy her, but I don't say that bit!).

BUT I do not rattle on to other people (in RL!!) about how much she means to me, how precious she is etc etc. It's almost like she is trying to prove her love for her child?? Or make us think better of her for loving her child.

Oh, I don't know. I guess I was a bit sharp with her.

Animula

Bibboty why on earth would you do that?

We all bring different things to the party.I think many have explained quite well where the lady in question is coming from.

Animula that's reassuring.My feelings of doom have lessened greatly.Things like ops(we've had 2 minor ones)bring it all back though.I was literally pulling chunks of my hair out when ds was late back from theatre with his tonsills absolutely convinced he'd gone.I think it's when you've been the 1 in a 1000 of whatever it is re bad luck and ttc you're convinced you'll be picked again.

As I said though I'm waaay better now.I even let them go to rock climbing parties without me and on school trips in cars of parents of whose driving credentials I haven't checked.

animula, you are not alone. I look at my children and think how unbelievably wonderful they are and how lucky I was to have them with very little going wrong and I sometimes think that I've had more than my fair share of good fortune and the 'gods' will law back some of my luck soon.

OP, I think she just meant that her dd is the most precious thing in the world to her, but that's not what actually came out of her mouth. I hope she is as loving towards her son. I can see that if she makes these remarks on a regular basis, her friends will soon be tempted to throttle her. It might be worth having a gentle word one day about how she is unintentionally coming across to people.

My ds3 was born after we lost twins and an early miscarriage, almost nine years after his brother. I don't love him anymore than I love his brothers - but - by the time he arrived I was not even the same person l had been ten years previously, I worry about things I would never even have thought of before. I don't treat him any differently to the others but I do think of him as being a little bit special.

YABU for ascribing her comments to the fact the she suffered from infertility. Most of us barrens dont turn into looney PFBers just because its taken years to conceive!

Either you are that type of person, or you are not.

My niece is unfortunate enough to have a girl in her class who has a mother like this. This girl has punched people, pushed them off the top of the slide but people don't understand how special she is. She is disruptive in class but that's because she is so used to getting attention at home that she struggles at school and people should be more understanding. There was a suggestion that she should have a dedicated teaching assistant (there are kids with special needs in the class and she is not one of them!). The school pander to her Mum which doesn't help and it drives the pother parents crazy!

Hopefully she will calm down because it is her daughter who will suffer!

Poor you. Maybe that's why it got to you? You're the type to keep this sort of thing to yourself, and not "hand it over" to other people (maybe out of a sense that you don't want to burden them with it/you are private) & she's the sort who finds it hard to keep it inside?

totally different ways of dealing with life/people/stuff.

And if you are the stoic-because-you-don't-want -to-bring-other-people-down/ass-to-their-burdens type, then how she handles things can look as though she is really off-loading on others.

Another way to look at it is that some people do just "share". (Lol) & on the plus side it means they are flagging up who they are, and what's going on with them quite clearly. So less potential of standing on an emotional landmine.

A public service, really.

Anyway - don't give yourself a hard time over it. Life's river is washing it all downstream as we speak. She probably didn't even notice!

And you have your gogeous little one to kiss and whisper to: "You are the very, very best BeatriceBaby in the whole, wide world. Ha!" and be totally PFB-in-private over.

Yanbu. While I sympathise with what she's gone through to get her daughter, most people love their children as much as the next person however they were conceived. I mean, does she think that it's alright for people who conceive naturally because they could just get a replacement easily enough if something happened to their DC. FFS!

(Having thought about it)

I actually think the context makes her comments even worse. If someone who'd really struggled to conceive suggested that I took getting pregnant more for granted than they did, or someone who'd lost a child said I was less neurotic, then it would be a fair point well made.

But to suggest that my child was less precious than theirs in the context of possible child abduction- and it would therefore matter less if my daughter was snatched, raped and butchered- because I fell pg easily is just a hideous hideous hideous thing to even think, let alone say.

YANBU.
I have one DC conceived via IVF, and one naturally conceived DC. They are both as 'precious' as each other. Your friend of a friend has issues.

Someone asked why I would give her a wide swerve.

Well, if she was not a really dear and precious friend of mine, this incident would have altered my perception of her as a rational and sensible person. I would have thought it a DEEPLY odd and even disturbing thing to say. I would think (but not say out loud of course) ffs. If she were not someone I had a long history with and owed a debt of friendship to, that I would quietly drop her from my social circle.

Because, you know, it was a really strange and possibly stupid thing to say.

Ahh- good post Winky! Although this woman self proclaims that it is because she waited so long and never thought she would conceive and give birth.

Animula- yes, you are right, I'm not much of a sharer! And struggle with people that share personal stuff, not that I dislike them, I just struggle to know what to say!! Gosh, this is turning into something like the programme In Treatment.

Maybe what I should of said was "oh goodness I know, they are all so precious, could you imagine the pain of losing/something happening to your child. I don't know what I'd do."

Or something to that effect? Maybe I will next time.
Because like I said she is totally nice, maybe it will make her realise how her comments can come across, sometimes.

What do we think?

What do you think her reaction would be to you saying that?

sounds like a diplomatic way of dealing with it

Blimey Bibboty people say this and that along the road to friendship.If I'd have shoved everybody out of my social circle for odd things they'd said along the way nobody would have made it to long lasting friendship.

I am just saying what I would do/what I think Mrs Heffley. Don't let it worry you.

Just come back because was thinking on tis and on all honesty I actually don't really get why this has upset OP so much. I get upset when I hear people calling their d. A fucking little bitch, or slapping them, or not caring where or what their dc is up to.

This woman may have been clumsy in her wording but she was upset at the thought of her child being lost or abducted (I know. Wet unlikely, but still). However, she loves her dd and so fucking what really if she feels her dd is most precious daughter in the world. My dd on my lap is the most wonderful dd in thE world IMO and same for my ds's. Any mother usually feels their dc are most precious as they should

IUseTooMuch- not really sure. I don't know her that well, although I can't really see how she could gave a bad reaction to it?

I would be inclined to think that she would either, realise how she is coming across and just say "yes they all are precious" or she will just blindly run into another rant which will go something along the lines of "but Beatrice, I waited so long, years, 12 years between adopting DS and having DD, did you know it was 12 years, we never even dreamt we would have her, she is so special, so so special, I can't tell you, and so beautiful, look how beautiful she is.....rah......rah.......rah.

Cue hip flask!! God, I'm a bitch! Poor woman!