To think that just because her baby was conceived through IVF does not make them more "precious" "loved" or more likely to be preyed on by sex offenders??

[BackToB4Beatrice]

I sometimes take DD out with a group of friends and friends of friends for a dog walk and some tea and cake. One woman (friend of friend) has an adopted teenage son, and then a daughter (2.5) through IVF.

There was about 12 toddlers out today, and a one point two of them were missing (for about 15 seconds, had snuck into a small wooded area). When they were found, said mum turned to me and said "the thing is Beatrice, people just don't understand how precious X is, we just love her so much, and she is so beautiful she is just the kind of child somebody would, you know, TAKE"

This is not the first type of comment like this. And I'm afraid to say I just snubbed her a bit, raised my eyebrows and said "really?".

I'm sure it was a bit rude of me but I just felt like telling her to fuck off. Every child is precious, and me and DP love DD so so much, despite being unplanned and probably being a bit young (not teenagers, I was 21 but we definately could of done with a few more years before she trundled along!) when she was born.

And don't even get me started on the "taken" thing! WTF?

Go on, I'm BU, aren't I? Guess I Gould cut her more slack?

I feel sorry for her children - especially the adopted one who must feel rejected in the face of his "precious" sibling.

I wonder whether it's that women who have ivf don't complain or feel that they shouldn't. I read that women who have ivf are far more likely to suffer from pnd..

she wasn't alluding to the Madeleine McCann thing, was she? which would be very weird in itself...

Insensitive comment but her daughter had just been missing and she was worried. Let it go.

I was told by MIL that any child BIL and SIL had would be very special because they were so wanted. I turned round and replied "DD may not have been planned but she was very much wanted and treasured by us, so please never say that about your granddaughter again!" As it is the other side have only produced boys and dd is the only granddaughter but it really riled me that my daughter wasn't classed as being wanted and as special as she should have been. Every child is as special as each other and are a blessing and some people need reminded off that.

I had 4 IVF cycles before DS turned up. I never complain if it gets difficult, because I remember 10 years of thinking I would never be a Mum, and the loneliness, even though I had DH, was excrutiating. I remember the heartache and the desperation, and the empty feeling as yet another month went by...and no matter how hard things sometimes feel now, it is never as difficult or painful as it used to feel.
That is NOT to say that my DS is any more special than any other children (except to me, as he is perfect!) But I am grateful every single day, which is a feeling I know that most of my friends don't feel.

I think you're being harsh. I had difficulty conceiving, difficulty carrying, difficulty giving birth, and the older one had a serious accident a while back.

all of the above has made me (or perhaps just emphasised a tendency to be) a bit neurotic.

That's all that's going on here.

I find mn seriously alarming sometimes. I live in a little bubble where I try hard not to judge others, unless there's an issue of harm. Weirdly, most of my friends are like that too. If that woman were in my circle, we'd probably all have an unspoken understanding that she's a bit fragile and cut her some slack. I always thought that most people were like us. It scares me a bit to think that there are whole wodges of women out there in the world, ready to take apart all of the little, crazy things you say and do, and just itching to take offence.

What she said is far more about how vulnerable and emotional she is still feeling. I would honestly only take offence if I felt it was harming me, or someone else in some way. I'd be more interested in seeing if there was anything I could do to help her feel better.

And I'm guessing you and your group of friends have small children? Which means she's probably still in the throes of post-partum weirdness.

So, I guess I do think you're being a bit U.

God I hope she doesn't come out with that in front of her son

The OP states in her post how much she loves her daughter too.
We all think we love children the most! Her friend think she loves hers the most too I guess.
There's so many neglectful, useless and terrible parents I always think its kind of sweet when people are PFB or when they say things like the friend did.

But I also think the friends comments might get annoying after a while.

Wow, lots of replies!

Just to clarify- she has a adopted son, so is it still PFB? I guess it is in a way.

What pisses me off was the "people don't know just how precious X is".

Well she is the most precious thing you have (possibly along with her adopted brother). Equally DD is the most precious thing I have. Ditto surely??

I can understand she was panicked, but there had been many comments, mostly similar to what others have said re, staying at home because she waited so long to have her, not letting her do things in case she got hurt as she wouldn't be able to bear seeing her in pain.

All normal regular things we all feel. Sometimes I just want to shake her and say "we feel the same about ours!".

Never mind, I'm totally sure she means no harm, and DD loves these little dog walking trips, next time I may just take a hip flask with me .

Nice to get a fairly equal sided AIBU actually. Normally mine are land slides one way or another.

[try's to forget scotch egg picnic thread incident!)

... and I agree with AteAWholePAckOfBiccys too.

i had IVF and concieved twins,hospitals and gp always said they were special babys

even though i was elated to concieve my twins i never thought they were any more special than anybodys else babys and sometimes was a bit embarrased when people referred that they were special,i know they meant well but i really wanted to be treated the same as other women being pregnant and then when they were born

though maybe because they were twins and IVF it was seen as "special"

funny thing is 7yrs later i concieved totally naturally (big shock) if im honest deep down thats special to me

if that makes any sense

When I had my unplanned baby, I think I felt more neurotic and PFB than some of the Mums I knew who had planned their babies. Probably because I felt guilty that I had been smoking for the first three months of the pregnancy, hadn't taken folic acid or any other precautions, and because I hadn't planned it. It was almost like I had to prove that my baby was as perfect and as loved as anyone else's even though I hadn't made the effort to have him. I was also quite young, and was paranoid that being 21 would mean that I wouldn't be as good a Mum because I had less to offer, or at least that other people might think I wouldn't be as good.

"I think you're being harsh actually.
She hasn't said that her child is more precious than yours. You are inferring that but from what she's said she hasn't said that.
Sounds more to me like she is trying to explain why she is neurotic."

I agree. I think that every child is precious, but knowing that you might never be able to have another child makes the one you do have even more precious. I identify with this woman because it took me 17 years to conceive DD so I can understand where she is coming from. I suspect that there is some underlying envy that you managed to conveive so easily so please cut her some slack.

I have an only child conceived through IVF, and I don't think he's any more precious to me than any other child is to their parents- I'm talking about normal, loving parents here,obviously. I can honestly say it has never occurred to me to think that I love him more than I would if he was naturally conceived, or if I had more children. What a funny idea!

I am a bit neurotic about him and have to curb my temptation to fall into 'helicopter parent' mode occasionally, though I think that's just me, and I'd be the same whether he was conceived naturally, or if I had 6 children. I'd just worry myself ragged equally over all of them.

I have 8 year old IVF frozen end of the line twins and a dd born naturally (which we were told could never happen )a year later.

I love them all the same,none are more precious.

I do think however us IVF mums are slightly more twitchy.I've noticed it as have a fair few IVF mums and a fair few not.I hate to admit it but those of us who have battled do seem to worry a tad and perhaps wrap them up in cotton wool now and again.

I think once you've spent years worry ttc,you then spend 9 months in knots and it takes a while to leave.My twins are now 8 and I'm only just exhaling.Have to say I'm like that with all 3 though.

I think your friend is alluding to this.

I know you've probably finished with this thread, OP, but I've been mulling a bit & I'm just going to add this:

I think what she might be trying to express, in an inept, panicky way, is a feeling that I know I sometimes feel.

It's not that I feel my children are more special, it's that sometimes I have a really irrational thought that I "tricked" fate in some way, and that fate will one day "wake up" & decide to take them away or something.

I know that's irrational & I tend to squash it, hard. I don't even believe in things like that!!! But it is a strange, neurotic little thought.

I'll bet I'm not alone in that. I suspect a lot of us feel that sometimes. You look at your children, you love them so much, and you have this strange little intimation that they've been born into life's undecidability & there is so much that will always be beyond your control - especially the ultimate things. But, because we love them, we grip ourselves firmly, and plough on. and that's a good thing.

(And a big hug to you, IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll.)

Bunbaker, how do you know it makes your child even more precious if you have only ever had a baby after difficulties?

All of us can only truly understand things from our own perspective. I don't see how you can know that you feel your child is more precious to you than another persons child is to them. You can't feel what other Mothers are feeling the same as they can't feel the way you did while ttc, so you just don't know. And there can be plenty of reasons for a child to seem especially precious to their parents other than difficulty conceiving.

I don't know why this is bothering me, but I do resent other people feeling that they feel more for their child than I do because mine was unplanned.

Have to say my friend's dd was born through IVF after cancer,there will never be another.She will always be an only.

I don't know about my friend but even I'm twitchy when I drive her around or take her out,far more than with other kids or even my own. It's daft but there you go.I carry her history and mine!!!!

Thank you animula you sound like a much nicer person than I am!

Animula I'm like that

.Keeping thinking I'll wake up one day and it'll be a big case of we're having them back,it was all a dream.It's really wierd,comes from living for years fully expecting to be childless.

As I said though it's heaps better now.I don't sit up half the night poking them awake to check breathing or go into full hysteria(NHS direct,books,internet) when they get ill thankfully these days.

And to MrsHeffley and Bunbaker.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll - I related what you were saying to what the OP's aquaintance was saying precisely because you seemed to be feeling many of the things that I sometimes feel - ie. more similar than different to the OP's acquaintance. I think the opposition of planned/unplanned is less significant than the similarity of the feeling of vulnerability.

Well obviously this woman is just wrong. My child(ren) is the most precious, most loved and most beautiful in the world. Fact.

I don't. I think every (good) parent thinks their child is precious. I can only speak from my own perspective. I know I am PFB about DD and I'm sure I would be whether I had one or six children. I think I have worded my post badly, but what I am trying to say is that please allow those of us who had difficulty in having children a little more understanding about why we are more twitchy about our children.

You are very right with that animula. I like you!

Although I don't think YABU and think her comments were quite odd, I can also see where she's coming from. I don't think she meant any offence and was probably just said in a panic stricken moment.

That said, I've often been on the side where people have commented on how I wouldn't know what it feels like to love a child 'properly' because I didn't give birth to DS! Even from my own mother!! They can think what they like. We obviously all love our children no matter where they've come from or how they were conceived. But to each of us, we love our children the most and they're the most precious to us. :)