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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To punish DD every time she wets herself.

221 replies

sleepdeprivedby2 · 26/01/2012 21:49

DD is five years old and still wets herself multiple times a day, in the last 6 months she has been dry for 2 days!

I am at my wits end as we have tried absolutely everything to help her, star/reward charts, lots of praise for going to the toilet etc etc, you name it over the last 2 years we have tried it. The only thing we haven't tried is a consequence for being wet!

We are currently waiting for a paediatric referral but this has been cancelled once, so I am not holding out much hope.

The main crux of the problem is that she just doesn't care about being wet, going to the toilet is an inconvenience which she puts off and off. She will wet her pants and still not go to the toilet!

Normally I just ignore it as much as possible and then send her to get herself changed but I am completely fed up of her whole attitude towards it and her determination not to help herself.

We have bought her a watch which vibrates during the school day (every 1.5 hours) to remind her to go, but she just ignores it, puts it in her bag or leaves it at home! Every day when I pick her up she has had at least one change of clothes and is usually wet again and she smells really bad!Sad

Tonight at bath time, she got in the bath (with her 2 year old brother) and stood and wee'd in the bath rather than go to the toilet less than a meter away. I took her out the bath, put her on the toilet and told her to sit there whilst I refilled the bath at which point she started screaming at me so I calmly picked her up and put her in bedroom and shut the door.
Two minutes later she comes in the bathroom "mummy it was a bad idea to put me my room because now there is poo on the floor".
At which point I explained that her behaviour was completely unacceptable, told her to go to the toilet, walked out the bathroom, cleaned the carpet and went to play with her brother.

I know everyone says to ignore the bad behaviour and praise the good but as you can see it's just not working!! There are no real consequences to her wetting herself, we send her to get changed and she plays in her room still in her wet clothes or puts one of her princess dresses on.Hmm

So do we give her a consequence every time she wets to make her realise that this is not acceptable or do we continue to ignore through gritted teeth and hope she is dry before her tenth birthday. Grin

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Original poster
sleepdeprivedby2 · 26/01/2012 22:07

SecretMinceRinser the last time we went to soft play she wet herself twice.

We have tried the total lack of interest approach but it doesn't work. She either completely messes about in her wet clothes or goes upstairs to get changed and plays in her room.

OP posts:
Lilithmoon · 26/01/2012 22:08

I agree with Hassled, deal with her wet clothes and move on. This worked really well with my DD (she very, very rarely has an accident since we starting not reacting).

WhereMyMilk · 26/01/2012 22:08

I agree with Fabby hereShock I think there seems to be something going on. At 5 children are aware of many social niceties, and whilst accidents do happen, it's not normally routine, nothing to be proud of, and as for poo'ing on her bedroom carpet-that's something else entirely. Am not a professional in these matters, but think you'd all benefit from someone who was. Good luck.

perfectstorm · 26/01/2012 22:10

Agreed that a medical referral should also include a psych one, incidentally. A child of that age I knew who wet that badly had parents going through a brutal divorce because dad had got another woman pregnant. Obviously it may be nothing dramatic at all, but I do think that's the first port of call. I meant my suggestion only if there's no physical or emotional reason.

janelikesjam · 26/01/2012 22:10

I am truly amazed people are recommending "lack of interest" approach when there is obviously something fundamentally wrong.

Miette · 26/01/2012 22:10

My dd2 sometimes does things she knows will push buttons as she seems to like the drama. I was going to say that we tend to deal with it by giving a smartie and lots of praise when she does what we want her to do, but i see you have already tried dealing with it that way.

Shakey1500 · 26/01/2012 22:12

Poor you. I'd be tempted to try hassled's advice of it being a non event. When she's at home, what's the longest she's been in wet clothes? Does she always need prompting to go and change clothes or would she do it eventually? Because it is physically uncomfortable even if she seems not to care.

tattychicken · 26/01/2012 22:13

Could have written that post myself Claire, UTIs led to overactive bladder, took a few years to be diagnosed and I felt awful for the times I had told her off. And yes, she behaved like she didn't give a monkeys but it was Deffo a defence thing. Now 8 yrs old and dry during day and night after being on meds. The ERIC website is great.

vess · 26/01/2012 22:13

There could be a physical problem, but to me it sounds like a bad case of attention-seeking and jealousy issues. Wetting gives her power over you, so she keeps doing it. Can't give advice, only sympathy. Hope it gets better soon!

Lawrene8 · 26/01/2012 22:14

DS did this until he was 5 as he wouldn't stop what he was doing in order to use the toilet. I didn't punish but if he did it when out then we came straight home and if he wet at home then I wouldn't take him to the park/ soft play. He quickly stopped it once he realised ghat wetting meant doing less of what he enjoyed. I guess it was teaching him that the 2 mins going to the toilet was a lot better than missing out.

janelikesjam · 26/01/2012 22:14

Children "naturally" do not like wet or soiled clothes, nappies, etc. Thats one of the reasons babies cry. Most very young children (unless psychopaths in the making) want love, not drama, and when parents say the latter, I am always left wondering who really wants the drama.

Original poster
sleepdeprivedby2 · 26/01/2012 22:14

We have not waited for five years to do anything. We have been to the doctors three times to rule out a Uti, health visitors, school nurse SnD are currently waiting on paediatric referral but at the end of the day it boils down to the fact that she doesn't want to be dry!

There have been absolutely no changes of circumstances at home, the only change being starting school and with every other aspect of her life she is super confident.

She gets on well with her peers at school and is seen by the school and after school club as easily adapting to school life, I have had comments like "she just gets on wit it and doesn't make a fuss""it's like she has been here for years"

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SecretMinceRinser · 26/01/2012 22:14

Have you tried taking her home to get changed each time she wets herself (if she's doing something she enjoys). So she knows it's more inconvenient to her to wet herself than to go to the loo?

Original poster
sleepdeprivedby2 · 26/01/2012 22:16

Janelikesjam I would love for you to spend a day dealing with this then you would understand that it is the very last thing I want, for her and for me!

OP posts:
mewantcookiesmenocanwait · 26/01/2012 22:18

You have my sympathy as DD1 did EXACTLY the same thing. I really could have written your post. She wet herself very nearly every day until she was about 7, then just stopped. She just absolutely, utterly did not care if she was wet. There was no underlying physical or emotional issue and, according to our lovely GP, it's not at all unusual for little girls to prefer to wet themselves than to bother with going to the toilet.

I honestly don't know why she ever stopped (and, believe me, there were times when I didn't think it ever would), but for some reason she made the decision to start taking herself to the toilet, and she did, infallibly, from then on.

I can see that, if your child has been reliably dry since they were 3 or 4, this might seem completely bizarre and a sign of emotional problems but it's not necesssarily the case.

SecretMinceRinser · 26/01/2012 22:19

janelikesjam it isn't obvious at all. She would have to be seen by a medical professional to find out if there was a physical cause. And as for an emotional cause I think her mother would have a better idea on that than anyone on here.
DD was certainly a lot worse for accidents when I was training her the more attention I gave it.
Did you say whether you had tried rewards op?

NorksAreMessy · 26/01/2012 22:20

How does your DD talk about it herself?
Is she cross? Nonchalant? Defensive?

Original poster
sleepdeprivedby2 · 26/01/2012 22:20

Shakey1500 she will sit all day in wet clothes if I let her.

She has wet herself on the way to school before now and still been in the same wet pants when I pick her up, that's one of the reasons she smells so bad as she just sits in it.

OP posts:
janelikesjam · 26/01/2012 22:20

I am just saying its not normal, not that I do or do not understand it! It IS a PHYSICAL or EMOTIONAL problem. Babies and children do not want to be wet/soiled in normal circumstances. Giving a child smarties or punishing her is not the solution. If you saw that clearly, perhaps you could have addressed this issue.

awomenscorned · 26/01/2012 22:21

YWBU to punish DD. Do you think it might be a physical thing or do you suspect sn? She is still young.

aldiwhore · 26/01/2012 22:23

Punishing won't help, and could make things worse (poo on the carpet becoming more frequent!).

I used to wet myself a lot, I never felt the beginning of the need to go, I either didn't need to or was bursting and just went because holding it in hurt. Its not that I had 'no shame' but you get used to being wet, you get so used to it, being dry feels strange. I always stunk of piss. It did make me miserable, but what made me feel even worse and made the wetting much worse was when my mum would say I was dirty (she was at her wit's end, I forgive her).

I don't know what the answer is, I grew out of it over the years but even at secondary school I had the odd incident. It was awful.

I know it must be tough but please please don't punish her, she needs help, and probably not from you but professional help. The poo-ing incident concerns me. Good luck.

Original poster
sleepdeprivedby2 · 26/01/2012 22:23

Yep tried rewarding her, but she just takes the rewards and doesn't adjust her behaviour.

When she was younger grandparents said that if she was dry all week they would take her out for the day and low and behold she was dry all week. They went out for the day as promised and behaviour returns to normal.

The one FDA she was dry at school las term was when it was children in need and she went to school in her superman pyjamas. She only has one set of these pyjamas so she knew if she wet herself she would have to change into something else so low and behold she was dry all day.

OP posts:
flyingspaghettimonster · 26/01/2012 22:23

The poo on the floor bit bothers me... seem controlling and like she punished you for punishing her. I don't think I would start punishing accidents until a specialist had checked her out. Don't use bubble baths or too much soap down there as those triggered bed wetting for my sister...

I am absolutely not agreeing with what I am about to post and was shocked when my mum told me... but she said when my youngest sister was three and not potty training fast enough she snapped one day when she found the bathroom covered in poo... and spanked my sister hard and screamed at her. She is proud of the fact it never happened again :-( this is one of the reasons I don't let my mum babysit!

SecretMinceRinser · 26/01/2012 22:24

Well dd has been dry day and night since 2 1/2. A couple of times since then she has gone through a period of having accidents again and the good old reward chart sorted it. Accidents happened because (I suspect) she thinks she can hold it longer than she can and is absorbed in doing other things. So I disagree with you janelikesjam.

Original poster
sleepdeprivedby2 · 26/01/2012 22:24

Sorry meant 'the one day.'

OP posts: