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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be LIVID at "d" H? (long and ranty)

344 replies

Schizophonic · 26/01/2012 14:09

I am so, so angry. When we first got together he seemed to think it was the "woman's job" to cook, clean and basically "look after" the house and everyone in it. I enlightened him pretty quickly that a) if I cooked, he would be washing up. B) if I was to wash up, he'd be cooking. C) the washing machine is not just set to accept commands from me, he can use it too and d) I work more hours than he does and bring home more money - therefore he can't even use the "but I provide" bullshit excuse - and neither would I. 50/50 housework.

So I thought we were doing really well with that, he hasn't needed reminding since really and has pitched in with 50/50 housework.

Over Christmas however we were invited to his parents for dinner. As soon as we got there he and FIL settled themselves in the living room in front of the TV and I was called into the kitchen to help MIL so "the men can relax"!!! wtaf??? I assumed after spending so long cooking, it was a given that "the men" would be washing up. Imagine my horror then when after the meal, MIL took the men's plates away for them and beckoned me back into the kitchen to help her wash up! Not wanting to cause a scene I gave DH the 'look' which he chose to ignore and went to join FIL back in front of the TV where they compared bloated stomach sizes. Half way through clearing the kitchen I said to MIL "wow, thought the blokes would have offered to wash up for you" and she screetched "HA! you must be joking!!" before saying to me "oh just pop into the living room and ask them if they want a drink or any biscuits bringing in love". Sweet Jesus. So I went in and said to them "MIL wants to let you know the biscuits are in the kitchen and the kettle is working should you need to use it". Didn't go down too well with FIL as you can imagine who went in a grump for the rest of the night.

When we got home I asked DH who the fuck he thought he was sprawled out expecting to be waited on hand and foot. Bare in mind I'd done a 13 hour shift the day before and he'd been off work for 3 days. His excuse was "I can't help it if that's how mum and dad do things" Hmm

I let it go but let him know I was really disapointed in his treatment of me and his mother.

THIS WEEKEND we had PIL around for dinner. Before they arrived I said to DH "what will you be doing then, cooking or cleaning?" and he mumbled "cleaning".

So PIL arrived. I busy myself in the kitchen, MIL comes in and asks what needs doing. I tell her to take it easy, get sat down - go and chill, go and read my new mag etc etc - alien concept to her, she wanted to help. So we cooked dinner together.

After dinner MIL starts gathering up DH's and FIL's plates. I said "oh actually, DH is washing up tonight as we cooked dinner". MIL replied "oh no that's ok, son - you've been at work all week, me and Schiz will do it". Waiting for DH to tell MIL that I'd actually done 45hours this week myself as opposed to his 36 - he said fuck all and crept off into the living room with FIL.

I could not hide my anger. MIL could tell I was angry, couldn't understand why. They left early, mil upset thinking she'd upset me.

I just cannot let it go. I am SO SO SO angry with him. I'm so angry, it's actually made me wonder if we should stay together.

OP posts:
WheresMeJumper · 26/01/2012 15:35

Jux just for arguments sake, if you didnt clear up your clothes from the bathroom floor and your DP/H pissed on them, would you be ok with that?

Dotty342kids · 26/01/2012 15:36

I sympathise, I really do. This type of behaviour has been driving me increasingly mad and whilst part of me thinks it's completely mad to let housework get in the way of a marriage the other part of me also can't let go of that feeling of utter disrespect when your partner does not take you / your requests about it seriously.

However OP, please try to think about what a way forward would be. Perhaps some jobs can become specifically "his" so he's not trying to guess what should be done or when / how. Maybe he can take charge one of the weekend days, and you the other, with all cooking / cleaning on that day being done by the relevant person?
I'm not sure what the answer is but please go into this meeting with some ideas of ways to move forward, and ask him for his too of course!!

CailinDana · 26/01/2012 15:36

I am really shocked that some posters are in favour of aggressive, destructive behaviour in a relationship.

Lueji · 26/01/2012 15:36

I'm sure you have no annoying habits. Wink

ShirleyForAllSeasons · 26/01/2012 15:36

Dickie - God I hate those two insufferable CUNTS.

CailinDana · 26/01/2012 15:37

If you reach the stage where rather than talking to one another you are destroying each other's stuff and making it look like your partner has beaten you up, it's definitely time to end things. Definitely.

HazleNutt · 26/01/2012 15:37

the trouble is that you obviously are too much of a chicken and afraid of expressing any feelings or opinions, but only look to DH to do it for you. And then will take all your anger out on him if he does not do as you wanted.

Just tell your MIL what you think. "No MIL, in our house we share the work and besides, I have been working more than him!". See, easy. Why didn't you?

Gay40 · 26/01/2012 15:38

Meanwhile, all the other MNetters who haave to share a house with similarly lazy cunts are making notes.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 26/01/2012 15:39

Innit Shirl. On the plus side they will probably die of BEING A MASSIVE CUNT before long so every cloud and all that.

MrSpoc · 26/01/2012 15:40

Yes Gay and it will be the same one's taking notes that if it was reversed, they would be calling blue murder.

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/01/2012 15:41

"I've watched "men" treating women like fucking slaves all my life and enough is enough I will NOT be a part of that."
So there's a history for the OP, presumably pre-dating her DH, that he must know about. And a long history with him of her pointing out that she will NOT be his servant. He knows it's important to her. Yet he persists in pushing this particular button.

Agincourt · 26/01/2012 15:42

There is always a line and sometimes people do cross it. I am naturally a very impulsive person but as I have got older I have questioned how much my impulsiveness makes my situation worse. having to carry paltes to someones car, well i just couldn't be arsed

ShirleyForAllSeasons · 26/01/2012 15:42

Dickie - I am having a lovely fantasy now about both of them.

About them being all old and alone and living in actual holes of shit.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 26/01/2012 15:43

I LOVE this, and I love you.

I carried my housemate's ironing board out and set it up in the garden one night because I was fed up with having to put it down for him. Every. Single. Day.

He was outraged.

I mean, it wasn't even raining.

But, genuinely, some blokes really do think that this is what we're FOR.

CailinDana · 26/01/2012 15:44

I agree totally that the DH is being very disrespectful. However, no amount of disrespect is ever an excuse for aggressive behaviour IMO. If a woman came on and said her DH had cut up and bleached her stuff for not doing the housework plenty of posters would be telling her to get out, fast. Whether or not it counts as domestic violence, I absolutely do not see the point of the OP continuing in such a fucked-up relationship.

MrSpoc · 26/01/2012 15:45

WhereYouLeftIt - and how does that give her a right to cut his clothes up, ruin them with bleach. tell everyone he beat her up. That is pure abuse.

He is not the one who is responsible for this ""I've watched "men" treating women like fucking slaves all my life and enough is enough I will NOT be a part of that."

Byu the way, that reads to me like none if this has actually happended to her but she is just flying the flag for all feminist against the evil rain of MEN.

ComposHat · 26/01/2012 15:46

Some of the posters here, rimming the OP's piles and telling her she's the reincarnation of Millicent Fawcett and that her behaviour is striking a blow for the sisterhood need to take a look at themselves too.

She's basically falsely accused her husband of battering her and giving her a black eye. Have you any idea how fucking long it took to get the Police to take domestic violence seriously?

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 26/01/2012 15:47

Hazle - presumably because standing up to his mother is HIS job? Or is "explaining our style of living to the in-laws" on women's apparently neverending to-do list as well?

Hullygully · 26/01/2012 15:48

He is a total and utter shitbag arse.

I'd kill him, never mind put dirty pots in his car.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 26/01/2012 15:49

FWIW when I was at university I had a shitty lazy housemate who expected us to live in his filth and after weeks of asking him to FUCKING WASH HIS DISHES UP, we put the mouldy crockery in his bed.

I don't think we were abusive and I think if more women reacted angrily to the assumption that shitwork is their job the world would be a better place.

And if I repeatedly ignored my husbands reasonable requests for me to keep my shit out of his way, I might not expect him to destroy said shit but I wouldn't be surprised if he left me because I clearly wouldn't respect him very much.

Hullygully · 26/01/2012 15:49

Ah just seen the posts above. perhaps should read the thread.

CailinDana · 26/01/2012 15:50

HoldMe (fantastic name by the way) the OP did destroy her DH's stuff, that's the point. I was quite amused at the pots thing, as it was a bit silly and not destructive, but cutting up and bleaching someone's stuff is very threatening.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 26/01/2012 15:50

Oh Shirley I went round to the hovel where it resides last week to see exactly how awful it was. You need fantasise no longer. Imagine clambering into the lung of a 100-a-day smoker who's just managed to ingest a field of cow dung. That.

Agincourt · 26/01/2012 15:52

I agree with composhat really, if my husband was bleaching my clothes and putting stuff in my car and cutting up my undergarments in the bathroom I think I would feel scared. Luckily he is quite a placid man who likes watching challenge tv with our sons

gettingeasier · 26/01/2012 15:53

OP I agree with your sentiment 100% and its astonishing how deeply ingrained it is amongst such a huge swathe of males of all ages.

I am currently making ds aged 15 do jobs like clean the toilet and I know at some level he thinks I ABU but when I read threads like this I know I am doing the right thing.

My only thought is did you not road test your DH before marrying ? I did because domestic harmony and equality is of paramount importance to me .

Actually what needs to be remembered is that dirty pans and smelly socks on the floor is what makes up daily life and if you cant agree on it then you are not compatible. If he makes you sufficiently angry to cut stuff up then call it a day

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