To be LIVID at "d" H? (long and ranty)

[Schizophonic]

I am so, so angry. When we first got together he seemed to think it was the "woman's job" to cook, clean and basically "look after" the house and everyone in it. I enlightened him pretty quickly that a) if I cooked, he would be washing up. B) if I was to wash up, he'd be cooking. C) the washing machine is not just set to accept commands from me, he can use it too and d) I work more hours than he does and bring home more money - therefore he can't even use the "but I provide" bullshit excuse - and neither would I. 50/50 housework.

So I thought we were doing really well with that, he hasn't needed reminding since really and has pitched in with 50/50 housework.

Over Christmas however we were invited to his parents for dinner. As soon as we got there he and FIL settled themselves in the living room in front of the TV and I was called into the kitchen to help MIL so "the men can relax"!!! wtaf??? I assumed after spending so long cooking, it was a given that "the men" would be washing up. Imagine my horror then when after the meal, MIL took the men's plates away for them and beckoned me back into the kitchen to help her wash up! Not wanting to cause a scene I gave DH the 'look' which he chose to ignore and went to join FIL back in front of the TV where they compared bloated stomach sizes. Half way through clearing the kitchen I said to MIL "wow, thought the blokes would have offered to wash up for you" and she screetched "HA! you must be joking!!" before saying to me "oh just pop into the living room and ask them if they want a drink or any biscuits bringing in love". Sweet Jesus. So I went in and said to them "MIL wants to let you know the biscuits are in the kitchen and the kettle is working should you need to use it". Didn't go down too well with FIL as you can imagine who went in a grump for the rest of the night.

When we got home I asked DH who the fuck he thought he was sprawled out expecting to be waited on hand and foot. Bare in mind I'd done a 13 hour shift the day before and he'd been off work for 3 days. His excuse was "I can't help it if that's how mum and dad do things"

I let it go but let him know I was really disapointed in his treatment of me and his mother.

THIS WEEKEND we had PIL around for dinner. Before they arrived I said to DH "what will you be doing then, cooking or cleaning?" and he mumbled "cleaning".

So PIL arrived. I busy myself in the kitchen, MIL comes in and asks what needs doing. I tell her to take it easy, get sat down - go and chill, go and read my new mag etc etc - alien concept to her, she wanted to help. So we cooked dinner together.

After dinner MIL starts gathering up DH's and FIL's plates. I said "oh actually, DH is washing up tonight as we cooked dinner". MIL replied "oh no that's ok, son - you've been at work all week, me and Schiz will do it". Waiting for DH to tell MIL that I'd actually done 45hours this week myself as opposed to his 36 - he said fuck all and crept off into the living room with FIL.

I could not hide my anger. MIL could tell I was angry, couldn't understand why. They left early, mil upset thinking she'd upset me.

I just cannot let it go. I am SO SO SO angry with him. I'm so angry, it's actually made me wonder if we should stay together.

Ugh Dickie. I drove past his place and he's still got the blinds up that are half falling downy and half covered in filth. A YEAR after he moved in there. So. Hole of shit? Check!

Only skimmed this thread but I'm wondering OP, why are you with him?

It sounds like he doesn't respect you and you sound like you have A LOT of built up frustration.

I think all the things you have done are fine, OP. But why are you still with him? How can you have sex with someone so irritating?

My sis and I used to have a housemate who never cleared up her dirty plates, so one day my sister put them all in her bed.

She didn't do it again. Sometimes they have to be learned.

Man rain? That sounds...fleshy. And I bet the insurance wouldn't pay out when the fuckers flattened your car.

ElephantsAndMiasmas - How is it his job. He does not have an issue with the situation. She does, there fore she can deal with his mum. Or just because its his mum, you think he should upset her.

Actually DS is a good barometer , he is a "good" boy etc and I can see he struggles between the logic that someone has to clean the toilet but equally why should it be him. Whereas if he is asked to mow the lawn or put the bins out he gets on with it.

How does this happen ?

My DH went back in time to about 1983 when we went to stay with his parents....I just brought it right up in front of them and said this wouldn't be happening. I explained that I would be taking new DD and fucking off out of there unless DH cchanged his ways. He soon caught on and so did they.

Hahaha - Chickens. Man Rain sounds revolting

Scizo I understood your irritation in your first post but you are beginning to sound rather unstable. Or perhaps this is a piss-take.

I really don't see the problem in explaining to your MIL that as you also work long hours, you divide the housework and that's how it's done in your home. Didn't you know what your H was like, or meet your in-laws, before you married?

You seem to quite enjoy abusing your H and indulging in this childish (if imaginative) retaliation, perhaps because he tends to tolerate it, yet you don't feel able to make a completely matter-of-fact conversational point to your in laws. I find that a little strange.

Underneath all that explosive anger and melodramatic behaviour perhaps, like most bullies, you're a bit of a coward.

He should leave you.

Who wants to live like this?

An advantage of living with just my children, I can leave my socks where I want, do the washing up when I want.

House hasn't exploded yet.

I even (quite deliberately) hang the toilet roll so it hangs down the back and not the front. I might even build a tea bag mountain

elephants - Why would it necessarily be his job to stand up to MIL?

MIL actually commanded the OP to get to the kitchen and do the washing up. So if the OP disagreed, surely it's only reasonable to open her mouth and say so. Nothing to do with "sorting out relatives - wifework".

Of course, if they had agreed that he does the dishes, he should have said something as well, but it was U for OP to say nothing, do the washing and silently fume. I don't think OP wants to be some tiny helpless woman why can't stand up for herself and needs DH to speak for her?

I have the same thing with my DH too, although I've totally got to the point that I call him on it quite openly on it in front of his parents in a piss takey but many a true word spoken in jest kind of way.

Ie- "you're not expecting your mum to wash up after she's cooked are you DH? Some feminist you are!"

" what year do you two male chauvinist pigs think it is? Women are allowed out of the kitchen in this century you know!"

"sit down MIL, stop doing all the work! Your husband's retired, you're not a house wife anymore! Let the next generation look after you, and your man treat you like a princess for once"

" DH I swear you forget your manners when you're at your parent's house, show some respect and get off your bum"

All said with a cheeky smile, wink and complete expectancy of compliance. Sometimes gets a grunt or a raised eyebrow, but usually works.

I'm not on the side of the clothes destroying, mind you. Pots in the car, reasonable. Teabags taped inside laptop, amusing if they were dry, not good if they caused damage. Cutting up/bleaching clothes, definitely OTT. Sticking the socks in his car as well, especially if they reeked a bit, that I could support!

(OK, I used to crumble up XH's stupid cigars, but given that he swore he didn't have any he couldn't fairly complain I'd destroyed them. It wasn't the existence of cigars I took exception to, it was the lying. And the buying them on my credit card, and the mess of butts in the garage because he wasn't smart enough to sweep them up. But then I was a bit unhinged myself in those days. Living with him would make anyone a bit peculiar.)

OP did not accuse her husband of battering her (although she did allow others to jump to that conclusion).
"he used to leave the cupboard doors open (I walked into one once and almost knocked myself out, ended up with a black eye and when people asked who'd done it, I said DH. Naturally people assumed he'd hit me which left him having to explain that he is unable to shut cupboard doors and that's how it happened)."
She forced him into a position where he was called to explain his actions to others. Who presumably told him it was his fault she had a black eye and he was a knob for not closing cupboard doors. Yes, others would assume he had hit her. But frankly, leaving a cupboard door open where people could walk into it, when no reasonable person would expect doors to be left open, is negligent and indifferent to the safety of others. In OP's position, I'd probably have said the same - because the black eye was 100% down to him. It does at least seem to have stopped him doing it again.

MrSpoc, you asked ^"and how does that give her a right to cut his clothes up, ruin them with bleach. tell everyone he beat her up. That is pure abuse."
I think I've already dealt with "tell everyone he beat her up". No-one has the right to do what she did (a rather emotive phrase IMO). The bleach was a bit much, but I can't get excited about four shredded socks. I would like to know what his reaction to this was, other than not leaving his stuff lying all over the bathroom again.

Shirley

Right if we can just sort out them dying of being a cunt then life's going to be pretty sweeeeeet.

I agree with you wholeheartedly about the washing up, but I do think you should have said audibly and in front of everyone that you had also been at work, cooked dinner, and now it was DH's turn. MIL & FIL are stuck in the 50s and they need to know that's not how it's done in the 21st century

But holy shit schiz - you're not going to find a man that's perfection personified; there will always be something like the sock thing that winds you up and I think breaking up with him would be blowing it out of all proportion?

Another good one is to start a discussion on the dynamics of modern relationships vs more traditional ones. Giving you reason to say things like

" see I totally get that when you two married you had clearly defined gender roles. But as DH and I both work then we share housework equally. Isn't it interesting how things change!"

Again with a big smile and possibly some social, political, critical commentary and genuinely interested questions about the old days

My DH also does the cupboard thing, I think your reaction to that was pure genius :o

OK, I thought he pots in the car was genius and yes, I do applaud the OP's anger because it's not very ladylike to get angry is it? Is she supposed to just suck it up and move on? No, so she got angry and found a creative way of showing that anger. How many times do we see on threads women saying 'just leave the dishes' and the OP says 'I can't, I can't look at them, I'll crack and do them'. So put them in his car - yep, genius.

However, subsequent posts about cutting up and bleaching clothes - either it's a wind up or it becomes clear that boiling anger followed by some sort of creative retaliation is not working for the OP and I agree with whoever said that lying about DV is pretty shit actually.

So is it a wind up OP?

No, she forced him into a position where she knew damn well that people would assume he had hit her.

I would be annoyed with him re Christmas-but he´s used to doing nothing at his parents and tbh, I´d be more annoyed with MIL for making you help her-and again for overriding you in your own home.

I can´t imagine getting angry enough with my husband to take the time/effort to cut up socks/bleach clothes.

I´d probably stick them in the bottom of his wardrobe.

WhereYouLeftItThu - Meh, same thing no matter which way you write it. I see you point about "right", well she may or may not have a right but it is still criminal damage and abuse.

When I read your first post I thought YWNBU but having read the rest I changed my mind.
You sound like a nasty controlling psycho and I feel sorry for your poor OH.
Since you are all for equality then you should look at this from his POV - psycho girlfriend bleaches/cuts up his clothes when she doesn't get her own way and let's people think he hit her because he didn't shut the cupboard door! have you read any of the DV threads on here??
I really hope this is a wind up actually .

just trying to imagine a similar situation the other way:

We have agreed that I do something. My parents come over.

My mum to DH: can you do x?
Option A: DH: ah no, we agreed earlier that Hazle will do it. Hazle?

Option B: DH does X, doesn't say anything, seething and upset, makes my life a living hell afterwards, because it was "my job to say something to my mum".