Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be LIVID at "d" H? (long and ranty)

344 replies

Schizophonic · 26/01/2012 14:09

I am so, so angry. When we first got together he seemed to think it was the "woman's job" to cook, clean and basically "look after" the house and everyone in it. I enlightened him pretty quickly that a) if I cooked, he would be washing up. B) if I was to wash up, he'd be cooking. C) the washing machine is not just set to accept commands from me, he can use it too and d) I work more hours than he does and bring home more money - therefore he can't even use the "but I provide" bullshit excuse - and neither would I. 50/50 housework.

So I thought we were doing really well with that, he hasn't needed reminding since really and has pitched in with 50/50 housework.

Over Christmas however we were invited to his parents for dinner. As soon as we got there he and FIL settled themselves in the living room in front of the TV and I was called into the kitchen to help MIL so "the men can relax"!!! wtaf??? I assumed after spending so long cooking, it was a given that "the men" would be washing up. Imagine my horror then when after the meal, MIL took the men's plates away for them and beckoned me back into the kitchen to help her wash up! Not wanting to cause a scene I gave DH the 'look' which he chose to ignore and went to join FIL back in front of the TV where they compared bloated stomach sizes. Half way through clearing the kitchen I said to MIL "wow, thought the blokes would have offered to wash up for you" and she screetched "HA! you must be joking!!" before saying to me "oh just pop into the living room and ask them if they want a drink or any biscuits bringing in love". Sweet Jesus. So I went in and said to them "MIL wants to let you know the biscuits are in the kitchen and the kettle is working should you need to use it". Didn't go down too well with FIL as you can imagine who went in a grump for the rest of the night.

When we got home I asked DH who the fuck he thought he was sprawled out expecting to be waited on hand and foot. Bare in mind I'd done a 13 hour shift the day before and he'd been off work for 3 days. His excuse was "I can't help it if that's how mum and dad do things" Hmm

I let it go but let him know I was really disapointed in his treatment of me and his mother.

THIS WEEKEND we had PIL around for dinner. Before they arrived I said to DH "what will you be doing then, cooking or cleaning?" and he mumbled "cleaning".

So PIL arrived. I busy myself in the kitchen, MIL comes in and asks what needs doing. I tell her to take it easy, get sat down - go and chill, go and read my new mag etc etc - alien concept to her, she wanted to help. So we cooked dinner together.

After dinner MIL starts gathering up DH's and FIL's plates. I said "oh actually, DH is washing up tonight as we cooked dinner". MIL replied "oh no that's ok, son - you've been at work all week, me and Schiz will do it". Waiting for DH to tell MIL that I'd actually done 45hours this week myself as opposed to his 36 - he said fuck all and crept off into the living room with FIL.

I could not hide my anger. MIL could tell I was angry, couldn't understand why. They left early, mil upset thinking she'd upset me.

I just cannot let it go. I am SO SO SO angry with him. I'm so angry, it's actually made me wonder if we should stay together.

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 26/01/2012 17:32

YY Shirley. Straighteners live on the bedroom floor, where they can be tripped over, stood on and burn the odd hole in the carpet Blush

CrabbyBigbottom · 26/01/2012 17:36

Oh I notice the OP has trip-trapped off disappeared now that she's caused such a lot of fuss. Hmm

AgathaFusty · 26/01/2012 17:37

Auditioning for Jeremy Vile, by any chance?

NinkyNonker · 26/01/2012 17:48

Pots in car, fine. Other stuff, way ott. Who is the OP to decide how he should live and destroy his belongings to teach him a lesson? It bothers her his clothes are on the loo, but not him, so that makes it ok to bleach them? Way ott, and I say that as someone who wouldn't put up with any crap from her DH in case people start yelling I must be a throwback from Stepford.

RedHotPokers · 26/01/2012 17:50

OP you are either making this up, or you are a complete fucking psycho.

wannaBe · 26/01/2012 18:03

surely nobody believes this is real, do they?

Op what colour is the grass under your bridge...

Quattrocento · 26/01/2012 18:05

I read this thread and laughed and laughed. Absolutely hilarious. I don't know whether the socks, the bleach, the crockery in the car, or the teabag in the laptop is funniest. Or the man rain.

On a serious note, I do agree with the OP that the relationship seems doomed. And I agree with the poster who suggested that men need roadtesting. IMO they need roadtesting for tidiness and helpfulness and hygiene, and need to be placed firmly back on the shelf if they fail in any one of these domains.

lubeybooby · 26/01/2012 18:19

But MrSpoc OP has had many calm and frank discussions, and he still does it. Despite having agreed it at the start of the relationship too, plus calm talking, calm reminders etc

I don't even care if this is a wind up, it's fucking brilliant.

BeeBawBabbity · 26/01/2012 18:25

Got to admit I'm loving the rage too.

upahill · 26/01/2012 18:31

But she says in he OP he does half the work.

Anyway it's making me think of John Cleese in Fawlty Towers going mad with rage!

TidyDancer · 26/01/2012 18:35

This thread has made for fun reading, but the OP is a fucking scary lady!

Feel really sorry for the poor DH now tbh!

OutrageousFlavourLikeFreesias · 26/01/2012 18:42

I just got to the post about the socks and clothes in the bathroom

Schiz, I love you. Maybe not everyone will love you for this, but I do. You are a great big beautiful terrifying inspiration and I am in awe of you.

I need to do better myself with my own DH who still, after multiple times of being told, leaves his dirty clothes on the bedroom floor. I'm not having it any more. I'm just fucking not.

You've shown me the way. Thank you.

Quattrocento · 26/01/2012 18:51

I am dying for the OP to come back with some more extreme correction.

Has the OP's DH perhaps left the phone somewhere it shouldn't be? Has he now, in consequence, had it fitted rectally?

Truckulentagain · 26/01/2012 18:53

I think women should be road-tested as well.

Financially independent.
Realise that ironing and housework isn't important.
No nagging.
Must like my mother.
Must understand the LBW law.
Sport overrides anything else on the TV unless it's my DD then she's ok to watch whatever she wants.
Supermarket shopping is not family time.
IKEA is hell. Along with carpet and wallpaper shopping.

I'm sure there's more.

RoughShooting · 26/01/2012 18:56

My dh does all of these things and worse, and I have had many 'frank discussions' with him. He still does very little. I can increasingly identify with the op's seemingly irrational rage, and am mentally noting her creative solutions.

I'm not sure what other methods you 'anti-op's actions' posters out there suggest, except for leaving him, and when he's not making the house a mess we do get on rather well, not to mention the three kids we have together (with whom I am becoming increasingly strict so that some other poor idiot doesn't get landed with an entitled arse of a partner when they are old enough to cohabit). How exactly do you get someone to do what's fair, if they don't feel it's their job?

Quattrocento · 26/01/2012 18:57

See your road test is fine and dandy and I agree with the concept of mutual road-testing and in fact with most of your list, bar one

'Realise that ironing and housework is not important'

and that seems to imply living in a wrinkly dirty smelly pigsty ...

Back on the shelf with you :)

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/01/2012 19:09

Yes it's a good point. What is an acceptable next step when calm discussion fails?

lovelydogs · 26/01/2012 19:10

brilliant thread. I read out all the things the op's husband does and what the op had done in retaliation to my 10 yr old DD. We LOLed and LOLed. Especially when she said "Mummy you do ALL those things"! How funny!

diddl · 26/01/2012 19:11

"It bothers her his clothes are on the loo, but not him,"

But it´s just common decency when you live with someone to consider them, isn´t it?

So the fact that it doesn´t bother him still doesn´t make it OK.

(I agree that bleaching them was OTT)

CailinDana · 26/01/2012 19:13

I think if calm discussion fails then you have to decide just how important the issue is - is it worth breaking up over? If it is, then that's what needs to happen. If it's not then you have decide some way to make it more manageable - have couples counselling, reduce your expectations, or get a cleaner in. Escalating towards aggression is not the way to go. It will not solve the problem, it'll only create new problems.

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/01/2012 19:13

I wonder ... just rereading the OP ...
"When we first got together he seemed to think it was the "woman's job" to cook, clean and basically "look after" the house and everyone in it."
Has the OP spent her entire marriage 'watching her back' against her DH's propensity to backslide? Could this account for her rage, the fact that his attitude (" looking for a gold star on the reward chart" as SlightlyJaded so succinctly put it) keeps her on edge?

NotThemCrows · 26/01/2012 19:13

TBH if my DH nags me to do things it just makes me want to do them even more to annoy him. He goes mental if I don't put the bottle of squash back on the shelf (ignoring the fact that I am normally distracted by the dc's . . . oh look a squirrel!) which makes me leave it out on purpose.

If he chopped it up, poured it in my knicker drawer or mixed bleach in it I would be proper peed off.

I feel very sorry for the OPs DH.

I suspect she will not be back, as she was seeking approval for her actions

boobiebrain · 26/01/2012 19:14

OP, don't have kids, they don't 'do' tidy. Can just imagine how someone like yourself might approach potty training, dealing with random poosnotinthepotty,

'OMIGODDDD, ITS 50/50 IN THIS HOUSEHOLD, I'VE WORKED A ZILLION HRS THIS WEEK AND YOU'VE WORKED NONE! HOW DARE YOU LEAVE 3 RANDOM POOS ON MY CARPET'

Maybe your parents fucked up during your 'anal' stage, thinking as Freud.

NinkyNonker · 26/01/2012 19:17

I agree Diddl, but I just struggle with the balance between two adults living in their house and both having to be comfortable where they live. For the OP, that is not having other people's clothes on the loo, for him it may be being able to leave his clothes on the loo without them being bleached.

warthog · 26/01/2012 19:19

yanbu

but you sound like you have pmt.

and quit with the passive aggressive behaviour towards your pil. just tell them straight. you have no problem doing that with your dh!

Swipe left for the next trending thread