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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be LIVID at "d" H? (long and ranty)

344 replies

Schizophonic · 26/01/2012 14:09

I am so, so angry. When we first got together he seemed to think it was the "woman's job" to cook, clean and basically "look after" the house and everyone in it. I enlightened him pretty quickly that a) if I cooked, he would be washing up. B) if I was to wash up, he'd be cooking. C) the washing machine is not just set to accept commands from me, he can use it too and d) I work more hours than he does and bring home more money - therefore he can't even use the "but I provide" bullshit excuse - and neither would I. 50/50 housework.

So I thought we were doing really well with that, he hasn't needed reminding since really and has pitched in with 50/50 housework.

Over Christmas however we were invited to his parents for dinner. As soon as we got there he and FIL settled themselves in the living room in front of the TV and I was called into the kitchen to help MIL so "the men can relax"!!! wtaf??? I assumed after spending so long cooking, it was a given that "the men" would be washing up. Imagine my horror then when after the meal, MIL took the men's plates away for them and beckoned me back into the kitchen to help her wash up! Not wanting to cause a scene I gave DH the 'look' which he chose to ignore and went to join FIL back in front of the TV where they compared bloated stomach sizes. Half way through clearing the kitchen I said to MIL "wow, thought the blokes would have offered to wash up for you" and she screetched "HA! you must be joking!!" before saying to me "oh just pop into the living room and ask them if they want a drink or any biscuits bringing in love". Sweet Jesus. So I went in and said to them "MIL wants to let you know the biscuits are in the kitchen and the kettle is working should you need to use it". Didn't go down too well with FIL as you can imagine who went in a grump for the rest of the night.

When we got home I asked DH who the fuck he thought he was sprawled out expecting to be waited on hand and foot. Bare in mind I'd done a 13 hour shift the day before and he'd been off work for 3 days. His excuse was "I can't help it if that's how mum and dad do things" Hmm

I let it go but let him know I was really disapointed in his treatment of me and his mother.

THIS WEEKEND we had PIL around for dinner. Before they arrived I said to DH "what will you be doing then, cooking or cleaning?" and he mumbled "cleaning".

So PIL arrived. I busy myself in the kitchen, MIL comes in and asks what needs doing. I tell her to take it easy, get sat down - go and chill, go and read my new mag etc etc - alien concept to her, she wanted to help. So we cooked dinner together.

After dinner MIL starts gathering up DH's and FIL's plates. I said "oh actually, DH is washing up tonight as we cooked dinner". MIL replied "oh no that's ok, son - you've been at work all week, me and Schiz will do it". Waiting for DH to tell MIL that I'd actually done 45hours this week myself as opposed to his 36 - he said fuck all and crept off into the living room with FIL.

I could not hide my anger. MIL could tell I was angry, couldn't understand why. They left early, mil upset thinking she'd upset me.

I just cannot let it go. I am SO SO SO angry with him. I'm so angry, it's actually made me wonder if we should stay together.

OP posts:
CrabbyBigbottom · 26/01/2012 16:26

I've read 3 pages, and then just the OP's posts for the rest of the thread.

OP either this is a wind up, or you are absolutely fucking demented. Hmm If this is true, then I feel seriously sorry for your DH.

OP's DH, if you're listening... Leave the Bastard! Grin

Although actually I don't find it funny - you sound absolutely horrible.

Kewcumber · 26/01/2012 16:28

MrSpoc - I think loading the car with pots is perfect - no real damage done just some inconvenience - and OP was inconvenienced just as much.

Permanent damage to property over an irritation not acceptable in my mind not implying black eyes due to DH hitting (unless very clearly a joke).

And ys Pocpoc I would treat him like the teenagers he is behaving like but then I wouldn't destroy a teenagers possessions either. The punishment doesn't seem comparable with the crime. I would put everything in a bin bag under the bed for him to sort out at his own convenience. (socks, pots clothes etc)

WorraLiberty · 26/01/2012 16:29

I feel your pain OP but Jesus Christ, talk about a touch of the Drama Llama the way you're expressing yourself.

ShirleyForAllSeasons · 26/01/2012 16:31
ComposHat · 26/01/2012 16:31

Now while i raised an eyebrow at the bleach (maybe a step too far) i have no issue with the rest of it.

So making false claims of domestic violence is something you 'don't have an issue with?'

I do because...

  1. Because it is a vile slander of her husband.
  2. It fuels the fires of misogynistic wankers who claim women 'make these things up'
  3. It trivialises the experiences of those who have actually suffered domestic violence.
SunRaysthruClouds · 26/01/2012 16:31

ABatinBunkFive - surely any thinking person checks the seat before they sit?

Just stands to reason innit?

Nesbo · 26/01/2012 16:34

OP's husband was a lazy arse but OP sounds like a psychopath. I hope this was a creative writing exercise and these things didn't actually happen, otherwise I am rather worried for his safety.

HeidiHole · 26/01/2012 16:35

OP I love you. I would have KILLED him. Actually shot him dead.

ShirleyForAllSeasons · 26/01/2012 16:36

Good Point SunRays - when I shat on the seat last week at work one of the blokes moaned about it!

I was all, like, What's the problem you uptight wanker! It's only shit! It wipes off!

ABatInBunkFive · 26/01/2012 16:36

Sun - No not really in my own home and tbh it is not top of my list when heading for a half asleep pregnancy wee.

WorraLiberty · 26/01/2012 16:38

Actually, having just read about the bleach, the cutting up of the socks and the false claim of domestic violence, I think the DH should get the hell out of there and never look back.

If all this is true (and frankly I'm hoping it's all made up to get a pat on the back from most of the posters here) then it's absolutely disgusting.

I had a friend whose Husband cut up her clothes, tipped bleach over her belongings and got insanely angry with her for reasons that just didn't warrant the amount of rage he displayed.

It took her years to get away from him.

GirlWithPointyShoes · 26/01/2012 16:39

You both clearly haven't got a clue about the dynamics of a loving, Respectful relationship.

You seem very angry OP, Almost as if you have gotten to the point where you enjoy when he messes up so you can teach him a lesson. He seems unwilling to change the way he lives even though it upsets you.

I couldn't live like this.

PocPoc · 26/01/2012 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SunRaysthruClouds · 26/01/2012 16:40

Ah well you lot can't have lived with boys

Piss everywhere from the day they were born!

ComposHat · 26/01/2012 16:42

PocPOc that is your supposition, it certainly doesn't say that in the OP's account.

Given her other behaviour I can easily believe she told others that 'he'd done it' without qualification.

WoTmania · 26/01/2012 16:46

I read it as she said it was 'his fault' rather than 'he did . i also don't think things like leaving oyur hair straighteners in the bathroom are comparable to leaving dirty underwear/clothes lying around. Straighteners quite clearly can belong int he bathroom and who precisiely did expect to pick upth esocks/clothes and wash them? The laundry fairy Hmm?

snuffaluffagus · 26/01/2012 16:51

We lived with a dirty housemate at uni once who never did the washing up. We put all of her dirty pans/plates/cups etc in her bedroom for her (this was after MANY discussions about washing up and us doing her washing up etc..). So I applaud the putting the pans in the car.. and no, he shouldn't be lazy or expect you to do anything because you're a woman, what a dick! BUT, if it had been me, I'd have said something to him after dinner when he went to sit down.. I'd not have let him just go and sit down in the other room.

The socks and the clothes thing.. I can see how annoying that must have been but cutting them up/bleach etc.. that's a bit much. I think there are other ways of dealing with it! I'm not sure if you're entirely suited..

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 26/01/2012 16:51

I imagine that OP is currently having a nice cup of tea and a sit down and revelling in all of the outrage on this post whilst shoving the iron up her DH's arse

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 26/01/2012 16:52

I'm not sure if you're entirely suited is my favourite post on this thread by a country mile.

ShirleyForAllSeasons · 26/01/2012 16:53

"Straighteners quite clearly can belong int he bathroom"

This is just an example of when threads so badly wrong. Hmm Straighteners live in the cupboard in the bedroom - or downstairs in the dresser. Depending on where your big mirror is.

shaketastic · 26/01/2012 16:59

Clearly a wind up, either that or the op needs serious help for her anger.

MrSpoc · 26/01/2012 17:06

Well i have now made my mind up. IF i was ever the split with my wife and get with another woman. As a test, i am going to piss on the toilet seat, leave my socks and clothes all around the house, not do any pots and leave all cupboards open.

The test will be to see who:
Stabs me
Knees me in the balls
burn my belongs
accuses me of beating them up
bleaches all my clothes
or just sits my down and has a frank discussion.

Guess which one is a keeper.

NotThemCrows · 26/01/2012 17:07

OP, maybe your DH is . . .erm . . . a bit scared of you and maybe he is also a bit scared of his mum (is she a bit "controlling" too?) and therefore is in a difficult situation when faced with both of you under the same roof with conflicting expectations of him.

You should have stood up to your MIL otherwise it sounds passive/aggressive behaviour on your part (with the emphasis on the agressive).

I suggest you find a way of resolving conflict or release your DH to be free and find someone less scary.

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/01/2012 17:12

Ah but MrSpoc, if you do all that do you genuinely think any new woman would regard you as a keeper?

upahill · 26/01/2012 17:27

I don't believe a word of this because in the OP she says that he is doing 50% of the work.
Now we are hearing of all the things he has supposedly done.

Bollocks.

And if he was so bad why did you marry him? You must have known your standards are different if this story is true.