Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To have kicked DP out?

133 replies

missduff · 25/01/2012 10:04

So me and DP have been together for just over 2 years, he lives in my house but doesn't contribute anything, I mean in the past 4 months since we've been living here (I moved in to my mums for a whole whilst I cleared debts) he has given a grand total of £20 towards food!!

He's a lovely guy, he has a good job but the problem is he is still paying the mortgage that his ex and his kids live in, plus a loan linked with the house plus child maintenance.

5 weeks ago we found out that I'm pregnant and he promised he'd get all his finances sorted, see a solicitor, speak to his ex and get it sorted so he will be able to support us when I'm on maternity leave.

I am in no way saying that he shouldn't be supporting his existing children but his ex is in a decent job, earns more than him but yet he is paying almost all his money out to support them which he is not obliged to do, the CSA say he needs to pay £200 pcm in child maintenance and he pays that + the £800 mortgage.

He seriously just has no money to give me and I'm really worried about how we'll cope when baby is here and I'll be on SMP.

I'm so sick of him promising hes going to do this and he's going to do that and then it not happening.
So last night it came to a head and I told him to leave and not come back till he's able to support me and our baby.

AIBU??

OP posts:

Leverette · 25/01/2012 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

janelikesjam · 25/01/2012 10:09

If he can't support one family he made, wasn't it irresponsible of him to make another?

Original poster

missduff · 25/01/2012 10:13

No there's no contact issues. She's just very very manipulative. When they first split he was only paying her £100 PCM and she was renting another house whilst he was in the family home (her choice) It's a long story but by playing games with him she managed to get back in the house and he's still paying the mortgage.
His kids are his life and she knows it so if she doesn't get what she wants she uses the ''but it's what's best for the kids'' line and he does what she wants. I don't think he sees how manipulative she is.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 25/01/2012 10:14

How is he paying money that he is not obliged to pay?

Do you mean because he's paying all of the mortgage and loan?

If that's the case, you're right he should be paying half of that.

However, I'd be very careful about throwing him out if you actually want him back.

Original poster

missduff · 25/01/2012 10:16

janel he is supporting one family, the point is he doesn't need to be supporting them to the extent that he is.
And that's not really very constructive comment is it, I'm pregnant and he wants it and promised he'd sort stuff.

OP posts:

foglike · 25/01/2012 10:17

He's a lovely guy, he has a good job but the problem is he is still paying the mortgage that his ex and his kids live in, plus a loan linked with the house plus child maintenance.

You could always pick an arse who doesn't pay child support?

And paying to keep a roof over his kids heads.

But really it's got to be tough for you financially it's a real conundrum.

janelikesjam Only rich men can have another try at a family life?

StrandedBear · 25/01/2012 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 25/01/2012 10:18

He has given you £5 a month towards food for the last 4 months... what makes you think he will support you and a child?

WorraLiberty · 25/01/2012 10:21

Why do people always get shouted down for pointing out that it's irresponsible to have a baby with someone who can't financially support it?

Fair enough if it was an accident, but if it was planned then it was irresponsible.

Original poster

missduff · 25/01/2012 10:21

worral legally if she wants to stay living in the house she's supposed to be able to pay the whole mortgage based on her own wage before he gives her any maintenance. Legally he needs to pay £200 maintenance, he is not obliged to put a roof over their heads as well.

I do need to stress that his ex is not poor, she earns more than me and him combined.
He did not walk out on her, there was no cheating, she just stopped loving him and decided to leave.

OP posts:

foglike · 25/01/2012 10:21

Was the pregnancy planned?

ENormaSnob · 25/01/2012 10:21

I really couldn't be with someone who contributed a fiver a month to a home we set up together.

janelikesjam · 25/01/2012 10:21

Sorry OP, that was insensitive of me, I agree, so apologies. Its just he does have a responsibility to his first family too. Hope you work out what you need to do.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/01/2012 10:23

I agree with Jane actually, OP. Your partner is in a bit of a quagmire and really should be sorting things out on a legal footing to prevent his ex using the children as leverage. Not an ideal situation for a new child or for you either, a man who can't face dealing with this. He wants the child but has no means to support it? Maybe your ultimatum will work but what a mess it all is.

WorraLiberty · 25/01/2012 10:23

missduff legally they have both borrowed that mortgage money and loan so legally they both owe that money...not just whoever decides to live in the house.

Splitting up does not clear a mortgage/loan debt.

StrandedBear · 25/01/2012 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

missduff · 25/01/2012 10:31

I agree that this all needs sorting out legally, which was my point in my OP, he has not made any start on getting the ball rolling, he needs to see a solicitor and he hasn't.
Apparently ex also wants to sell the house and apparently she's been doing stuff to the house to improve saleability so hopefully it will just be as simple as DP: ''I need to sell the house'' ex: ''yes I agree, let's get it on the market'' but we won't know until he actually sits down and talks with her properly, he's had over a month to do it and he hasn't.

That's my whole issue with it all, he's just not doing anything to try and get things sorted.
They've been split up 2&1/2 years, nearly 3, this should have been sorted out a long long time ago.

I'm hoping that by me kicking him out it'll give him the kick up the backside he needs to finally get the ball rolling.

OP posts:

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 25/01/2012 10:47

I have to agree with some of the others that I wouldn't have got pregnant by someone like that. £5 per week towards food?! He is taking the pee. Yes it's admirable that he wants to support his other children but he needs to seek legal advice and get a proper maintenance agreement drawn up.

He sounds very immature and is clearly assuming you will carry him financially!

Original poster

missduff · 25/01/2012 11:11

I think I have painted DP in a bit of a bad light but I can honestly say he is the nicest, kindest, most decent guy I have ever known and if he had anything he would give it me. He is the most amazing dad I have ever known, his kids really are his life. I feel lucky that I am carrying his child for those reasons, it is just the circumstances which are the problem.
He is so laid back and quite positive I just think he underestimates the amount of time it could take to get his house sold.
It probably is partly my fault for not having a problem with supporting him in the past, im strong and independent and I think he's not quite got his head round the fact that I really need him to help me.

OP posts:

discobeaver · 25/01/2012 11:16

If he hadn't moved in with you how would he have survived over the past few months?
I think you have done the right thing and he needs to sort his life out and stop letting his ex control him and by proxy, you.
Hope it works out for you.

WorraLiberty · 25/01/2012 11:18

Well lets hope he comes back then after you've kicked him out.

He could of course decide that being kicked out of his home because you've given him an ultimatum, has made him feel insecure and he can't be bothered setting himself up for that kind of future with anyone.

That'll be another child he's produced but doesn't end up living with.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/01/2012 11:19

OP... I think you've painted him just right actually. He's not really that decent if he can't face up to things, allowing you to do it all. I would run a million miles away but you're now tied together because of the child. :(

An adult, whether prompted or not, would sort their own affairs out, not rely on a partner to play 'mum'. I think you will rue the day... sorry. I can fully understand why you're playing it down here though it would be better for you to be clear-headed and keep your reality of your relationship and what it really is, in sharp focus.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 25/01/2012 11:20

He can't be that decent though if he only contributes £20 towards living expenses in 4 months and assumes you'll keep him. Even though you have been happy about this in the past, he has still taken advantage of it, whilst most decent blokes would say "No, I want to pay my way".

If it carries on like this you will grow to resent him even more even if he is a nice guy.

EauDeLaPoisson · 25/01/2012 11:25

Why paint him in a true light (i.e a skinflint feckless individual) as if YABU then whine when people answer truthfully?

EauDeLaPoisson · 25/01/2012 11:25

ask if YABU

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread