To have kicked DP out?

[missduff]

So me and DP have been together for just over 2 years, he lives in my house but doesn't contribute anything, I mean in the past 4 months since we've been living here (I moved in to my mums for a whole whilst I cleared debts) he has given a grand total of £20 towards food!!

He's a lovely guy, he has a good job but the problem is he is still paying the mortgage that his ex and his kids live in, plus a loan linked with the house plus child maintenance.

5 weeks ago we found out that I'm pregnant and he promised he'd get all his finances sorted, see a solicitor, speak to his ex and get it sorted so he will be able to support us when I'm on maternity leave.

I am in no way saying that he shouldn't be supporting his existing children but his ex is in a decent job, earns more than him but yet he is paying almost all his money out to support them which he is not obliged to do, the CSA say he needs to pay £200 pcm in child maintenance and he pays that + the £800 mortgage.

He seriously just has no money to give me and I'm really worried about how we'll cope when baby is here and I'll be on SMP.

I'm so sick of him promising hes going to do this and he's going to do that and then it not happening.
So last night it came to a head and I told him to leave and not come back till he's able to support me and our baby.

AIBU??

Forgive me if I sound harsh but here's MY take on things. I honestly don't see him as truly "single" and free to BE with you wholeheartedly as yet.

1/ The split from his wife wasn't his choice. He seems emotionally (there's a strong link between financial behavior & emotional ties) to not have made the final break.

2/ Why has he been happy to let you subsidise him financially for so long? A man truly in love wants to protect and provide for his beloved.

"He's just not that into you", if he were he'd be chomping at the bit to severe ties with his wife, so he could be with you 100% and you wouldn't have to nag! The motivation and impetus would all be coming from him without any effort at all on your part.

(severing ties with the missus is NOT the same as reneging on his responsibilities to his kids before anyone gets excited! That's what court ordered maintenance, visitation does - gets everyone on an even keel where all parties KNOW where they stand in relation to each other.)

You need to sit down and have a long hard look in the mirror and decide if you and you alone are able and willing to raise your child alone. Please don't depend on him for ANYTHING, as it'll weaken your emotional strength at a time when you may really need it.

If he then steps up you'll be able to appreciate it and enjoy it, but you won't be left up shit street without a paddle if he doesn't. You've supported him - now it's his turn to DO not just sweet talk.

Actions speak louder than words and you & the new baby are worth more than just being his port in a storm, so far he has talked a good talk - let him now walk the walk!

hiphop it's nice to see someone who speaks sense at last, I totally agree with you. I have pointed out to him in the past that in a round about way it is me and my son Paying her, it doesn't seem fair that we can't afford nights out, holidays etc etc when really 2 working professionals should be able to. I don't see why I should be going without stuff because of his ex!
Basically what you said I should say is pretty much what I said last night.

I will point out to the other 'advisors' that there is a difference between giving advice based on experience and using transference and counter transference. Go and google it and you'll see what I'm on about.

And of course I'm going to jump on someone who calls my fella a feckless loser and says he's going to go back to his ex, it's a completely ludicrous thing for somebody to say when they don't know the people involved. Even her brother says ''I never knew what u were doing with her in the first place'' and ''well I did try and warn you''.
They can't stand each other, their relationship was shit n they were only together because she got pregnant after a few months.
His best mate (her brother) has even said what an amazing couple we are and how he feels so lucky to know us.

Apart from the money issues our relationship is amazing, I just want him to get his house sold so he can support me and his baby and we can be a proper family.

And no I don't buy his clothes etc, tbh he hasn't bought any in aaaaages, he rarely goes to the pub but if he does he'll buy his pint and he buys lunches at work, they have a subsidised cafe though so its dead cheap.
We've only been living back together for 4 months, before that we were both living at parents and before that he had his house do we used to split our time between the 2 so no need for either of us to contribute to the other.
So this is a pretty new problem, it's not like he's been taking the piss out of me for 2 years.

I don't see why I should be going without stuff because of his ex!

You're not. You're going without stuff because of him....

missduff, regardless of how amazing a couple you are told you are - did you never discuss money before living together? How much the bills would be, how you were going to split it?

If you were living with your parents before this, can I ask how old you both are? Did he make it clear before you moved in together that he wouldn't be contributing financially?

I know this is a very personal question, but was the baby planned? Did he say how he would provide for your child before you got pregnant?

If he can afford to buy himselfa pint and lunch at work, then he can afford to pay you more towards his upkeep!

I really dont know why you bothered posting on here, missduff. It seems as though you only wanted to hear certain things and anyone that has a different opinion is bad and is speaking rubbish.

Keep putting your fingers in your ears and saying "La la la" if you like, but don't come back here in a couple of years moaning because you could only take 2 weeks' maternity leave and he has ruined you financially!

Oh ffs, one person says what you want to hear and they're the person speaking sense?

So. You ask if you were being unreasonable to kick your partner out. Everyone effectively says no, you weren't, he isn't treating you fairly and is being feckless towards you. And this gets your back up? That is a turn up for the AIBU books!

'their relationship was shit and they were only together because she got pregnant' and yet she carried on getting pregnant. And then they bought a house together

He seems to have a bit of an issue with keeping his cock in his pants or at least putting a condom on

bochead I do agree with a lot of what you said, I do think it's time for his words to become actions, definitely.
I have been doing a lot of sole searching and thinking I should maybe be prepared to do it alone if need be, otherwise there was no point in me giving him an ultimatum.
I do know that he loves me, there's no question about that but maybe it is hard for him to sever ties. Although I know when I first met him he was under the impression that it was his house, there's no equity in the house, she doesn't want it so there was no issue. It wasn't until she moved in to the house 6 months ago (through manipulation and persuasion) that the situation got more messy.
Now he's stuck paying the mortgage, if he doesn't he gets a bad credit score and the house gets repossessed, the kids get kicked out of their home.

I was thinking the same, PattiMayor, wasn't sure of how to put it though. He does seem to be making a bit of a habit of this!

Sorry OP, but however 'nice' this man is, he is feckless and irresponsible - shame you didn't realise that before you ended up pregnant. Though as I said earlier, it may not be too late to do something about that if you want to.

I know you don't want to hear the negative opinions, but I think on some level you know it's true. After all, if he's really so wonderful, you wouldn't have kicked him out, would you?

You clearly don't suffer from my lack of tact Ephiny :o

OP... I was feeling quite sorry for you. Now I think you're blinkered, back-tracking and desperate to convince random people on a chatboard that you have a heaven-sent relationship.

One last ditch attempt.... put yourself in your 'D'P's shoes, you are now HIM. How would you have conducted yourself since getting together with the woman you presumably want to spend the rest of your life with? How hard would it have been for YOU to sever your ties to a woman who hates you? How quickly would you have sought legal counsel and taken professional advice to extricate yourself from this horrible relationship in order to set up home with the woman you supposedly love?

You have all the information staring you in the face OP, you can either give yourself some good advice on how you will protect yourself, your DS and your unborn child when it arrives - or you can continue to see what you want to see...

Best of luck with it all then.

ephiny i have thought about not going through with the pregnancy but I did it once before, about 6-7 years ago and I have lived to regret it ever since. I had such a hard time getting over it, even to this day, despite having a perfect DS and being in a better situation I would have been in if I had had the baby, I still regret it. I just couldn't handle the guilt and even considered suicide afterwards. I really don't think I could put myself through that again. I've learnt from last time that it doesn't just undo a pregnancy, yes it does in the respect that it no longer exists, but that baby doesn't go away, you still always think about it, what it would look like, what it would be doing, birthdays, Christmas etc etc it doesn't just go away.

I'm sorry to hear about your previous experience and regrets :( Just wondered if you had considered all your choices, but if it's not an option for you then it's not, and you don't need to justify that - forget I said anything!

Agree though with those who've said he needs to get child support, maintenance etc sorted out legally/officially, now there's another child on the way, it's especially important for everyone to know where they stand.

Bloody hell you're getting a hard time here.
MN is full of stories of useless fathers not paying for their children, but this father who is paying over the odds for his ex and kids gets s bollocking! Unbelievable.

OP, if he's a good guy he will support you, I think from the sounds of it that he just needs a kick up the arse to do it.

Fwiw, I know 3 guys who pay way over the odds simply to keep the ex quiet.
And I mean paying the entire mortgage or giving them the house, not just £200 a month.

If relationship with ex isn't good then its obviously a daunting prospect to discuss, and he's probably dreading opening the can of worms.

Natashabee made some VERY relevant points re your official status to the authorities if he continues to live with you while not resolving his financial situation. You did the right thing to avoid a potentially precarious situation for you and yours a few months down the road!

Your council tax bill will reduce for a start and the funds can be put towards the baby costs. If you prep to go it alone you'll be entitled to help with childcare costs so you can return to work, csa money from him etc.

As a parent already you know kids cost serious wonga so you'll need every penny you earn between now and the birth to support your own children, during maternity leave.

Fret about the kids living under your own roof for now and enjoy a stress free pregnancy! It's a vulnerable time for all women so let him resolve his own issues for now.

Wow harsh replies OP.

I don't think he should be paying all of the mortgage. It's about time his wife, who ended them relationship, sucked it up and paid her own way. He should support his children but it's to necessary to do so at this level. If she wanted to be single, then she should respect heself enough to sell her house and find a property of her own that she pays for.

However, I don't believe he should pay the minimum, rarely are the CMET (formerly CSA) able to calculate the true cost of having children, so he should pay a bit more than £200.

Interestingly, OP has received a lot of criticism when it seems her DP is trying not to rock the boat and support his children - but what about the wife's obligation to find her own children too? If he really is paying as much as OP states then surely the mother of these children should probably contribute more funds towards them too?

OP has he arranged an appointment at a solicitors yet? Is he even divorced as they normally arrange these things as part of that. If he is serious with you not only will he get the house sale sorted but presumably the divorce too. If he does this, then he is on the right track to proving he wants to be with you.

misduff Now he's stuck paying the mortgage, if he doesn't he gets a bad credit score and the house gets repossessed, the kids get kicked out of their home

But this wouldn't happen would it, because you have told us that his Ex earns more money than you and your DP put together, so she would just pay her half to keep a roof above their heads as you would expect. I think you really need to ask yourself why he is paying the full mortgage here when his apparently much hated Ex is more than capable of paying her share. Quite a few posters here have tried to advise you that your DP is still attached to his Ex in some way, and no amount of brothers or best friends warning him off will change how he feels. The very fact you say he 'hates' her rings warning bells as it means he is still emotionally attached, she's under his skin so to speak. When you are compleletly detached from an Ex you usually feel just that - detached. There are no strong emotions left.

And for the record there is definately no transference here, it seems very arrogant of you to suggest that people cant give impartial opinions based on information YOU have given us. You did ask for our opinions after all, just because you don't like them doesnt make them any less valid. And I dont need to google it, Im a psychologist.

I really do hope you sort everything out and wish you luck with your pregnancy.

My dp says he's hoping to go home to his wife/ex

theonewiththenoisychild, the "go home" is IMO how OP's partner sees it, albeit not consciously. When he moved out of that house for his family to move back into, he moved to his parents' house - you lodge with your parents when you go back to live with them, it's not your home any more the way it was before you moved out from them. So the marital home remained "home" in his head, especially as he was still paying for it.

Now I would think at some level he regards himself as staying over with the OP - how else could he square it with himself that he makes no financial contribution to his "home" - except by it not being "home" in his mind?

Presumably he doesn't want to force his kids out of their home!

Is your DP actually divorced?

I just want him to get his house sold so he can support me and his baby and we can be a proper family

But if the house was in negative equity, that will still be the case. If there isn't enough to pay off the mortgage and the loan, then how will selling the house help? The balance will still have to be paid off!

The more I look at this, the less sense it makes.

Well I met DP for a chat last night and it would seem that me kicking him out has given him a kick up the arse.
He's now arranged a meeting with ex to discuss what they are going to do about the house and booked an appointment with a solicitor to find out where he stands legally.
He's also trying to get some extra work in the evenings and we're going to arrange a day for us to both go through all our finances and try and make some savings.
I'm not taking him back yet though, not until theres some more developments.