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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have kicked DP out?

133 replies

missduff · 25/01/2012 10:04

So me and DP have been together for just over 2 years, he lives in my house but doesn't contribute anything, I mean in the past 4 months since we've been living here (I moved in to my mums for a whole whilst I cleared debts) he has given a grand total of £20 towards food!!

He's a lovely guy, he has a good job but the problem is he is still paying the mortgage that his ex and his kids live in, plus a loan linked with the house plus child maintenance.

5 weeks ago we found out that I'm pregnant and he promised he'd get all his finances sorted, see a solicitor, speak to his ex and get it sorted so he will be able to support us when I'm on maternity leave.

I am in no way saying that he shouldn't be supporting his existing children but his ex is in a decent job, earns more than him but yet he is paying almost all his money out to support them which he is not obliged to do, the CSA say he needs to pay £200 pcm in child maintenance and he pays that + the £800 mortgage.

He seriously just has no money to give me and I'm really worried about how we'll cope when baby is here and I'll be on SMP.

I'm so sick of him promising hes going to do this and he's going to do that and then it not happening.
So last night it came to a head and I told him to leave and not come back till he's able to support me and our baby.

AIBU??

OP posts:

discobeaver · 25/01/2012 11:28

Where has he gone, now you've kicked him out? Because most places would expect more than £20 in four months. Unless he's gone to his mum.

discobeaver · 25/01/2012 11:31

Also please don't think of yourself as 'carrying his baby'
You made the child together, you aren't a vessel for his seed.

QuintessentiallyShallow · 25/01/2012 11:32

I cant believe you havent taken better care with contraception when living in such a messy situation with a man who clearly has not moved on from his first family.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 25/01/2012 11:34

Discobeaver, I have just laughed loudly at that! So true!

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/01/2012 11:41

"I think I have painted DP in a bit of a bad light but I can honestly say he is the nicest, kindest, most decent guy I have ever known and if he had anything he would give it me. "
I've never met him so I have no feelings about him. Feelings to distract me from his actions. This man has not demurred from living off you for four salaries months, making next to no financial contribution for all of that time (£20? Well that would pay for one takeaway). And you mentioned you had recently cleared debts? You describe his ex as manipulative, but isn't that what he is being? He's persuaded you to not insist he pays his way, not even to the extent of meeting his own food costs. Handsome is as handsome does, as the old saying goes, and he's looking pretty damned ugly to me.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 25/01/2012 11:46

If he respected, and valued, you, OP, he would have stood up to his ex and agreed a reasonable and fair amount of maintenance to pay each month. Actually thinking about it, are you sure that money is actually going to her or is it possible he might just be spending it on himself. He's probably telling her that you are draining all his money so he can't pay her very much now!

I'm sorry if I sound harsh in my replies to you, but I have been in the position that you are in before, minus the pregnancy as thank god I didn't breed with the creature. He said he didn't earn much so could only pay me £10 per week despite living full time in my house (was a single parent with one toddler), happily spent all "his" money on booze and going out, and things for himself. I even was enough of a mug to let him order himself lots of things from my catalogue. I eventually kicked him out after a few months as he was a selfish, tight, lazy arse, and of course I had to pay off the catalogue bill as he wasn't going to pay me a penny.

vixsatis · 25/01/2012 11:52

Quint I absolutely agree

kelly2000 · 25/01/2012 11:55

whose name is the mortgage and loan in? What was the loan for? By rights he should be payign half the mortgage, and thereby getting half the profits if it is sold. I suggets he goes to see a solicitor. But fifty pounds a week for more than one child is poxy, so I do not think he should be paying just £200 pcm. And morally he certainly has a duty to put a roof over his children's heads. they are his children he should be paying half the costs associated with them as should his ex.

squeakytoy · 25/01/2012 12:00

I think I have painted DP in a bit of a bad light but I can honestly say he is the nicest, kindest, most decent guy I have ever known and if he had anything he would give it me.

Well he has got something.. his salary, but he aint giving any of that to you... I think the term often used on here to describe a man like this is "cocklodger".

EirikurNoromaour · 25/01/2012 12:07

Does he bring in more than £1k a month? Because if so then he's taking the piss. He is being a doormat by paying more than 50% of the mortgage and a coward by letting you pay for your joint home while he is too scared to sort things fairly with the ex.
YANBU to have kicked him out, well done. Let's hope he values you enough to grow a pair and sort his shit out.

Ephiny · 25/01/2012 12:08

He may well be 'nice' etc, but he doesn't sound much use a partner/husband and father.

I'm not going to make any judgement about what you should or shouldn't do, but just want to mention that unless you found out quite late, you probably still have the choice of whether or not you want to continue this pregnancy.

WorraLiberty · 25/01/2012 12:11

The OP hasn't said if the £800 is half or all of the monthly payment...and she seems confused about legalities WRT the ex living in the house.

Original poster

missduff · 25/01/2012 12:14

hezagonal sorry that your ex was a prick, but 100% DP is not like that, I know that he is still paying the mortgage and know is paying the maintenance. I've seen his bank statements. I know the financial mess he is in. He rarely even goes out, he went to the pub to watch football before xmas, thats it. He doesnt buy anything. He just goes to work, comes home and goes to work again the next day. The only thing he does is take the kids swimming or similar some weekends, I can hardly have a problem with that can I?
I agree if he respects me he would sort it so he could contribute, that was part of my argument last night.

And yes maybe he is obliged to pay half the mortgage but not all the mortgage.

And kelly are you saying that if she was renting a house he'd have to pay half her rent? Because of all the separated couples I know I don't know one dad who does this? They pay maintenance, either an amount that is agreed between them or one which the CSA suggests and that's it. And yes the CSA have said he should be paying around £200pcm not £1000pcm.

OP posts:

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 25/01/2012 12:16

He is categorically not obliged to pay half her rent or mortgage. Yes he needs to pay maintenance as the correct rate, but she will be getting her wages, as well as things like child tax credits, child benefit and possibly housing benefit to cover things like this. He is being a mug.

Out of interest, missduff how did he support himself financially before he met you? I'm assuming he didn't split up with her and then move in with you the next day, there must have been a period in between these two things happening?

Original poster

missduff · 25/01/2012 12:16

worral the £800 is all the mortgage, she doesn't pay anything.
And I have been told by my friend who is a solicitor that if she wants to stay in the house then she will need to take on the mortgage herself which means proving she can afford the whole mortgage before she receives maintenance.

OP posts:

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 25/01/2012 12:17

He's not in a financial mess, he needs to get off his arse and sort out the maintenance properly. But he won't. Because you are supporting him and enabling his behaviour.

Original poster

missduff · 25/01/2012 12:22

hexagon when we met he was living in the family home and she had a council house (her choice), he was struggling financially but at he managed to get the mortgage put on interest only for a year. When that ran out and the mortgage went back up to £800 he couldn't afford to live there with all the bills etc so he moved back in with his parents, she moved in the house so she's just paying the bills and he's still paying the mortgage.
It's a bit complicated really.

OP posts:

QuintessentiallyShallow · 25/01/2012 12:22

" He rarely even goes out, he went to the pub to watch football before xmas, thats it. He doesnt buy anything. He just goes to work, comes home and goes to work again the next day. The only thing he does is take the kids swimming or similar some weekends, I can hardly have a problem with that can I?"

So he is not really in a relationship with you then?

He just lives with you as it is cheap and it enables him to KEEP SUPPORTING HIS WIFE AND KIDS financially. You are enabling this. So, in fact, YOU are supporting him so that he can keep up the level of financial support he gives them.

He is not in a financial mess at all. He is just hedging his bets. He is refusing to make any changes to the status quo.

Aside from now fathering yet another child, with you. This way, he enables that YOUR support of him and his family continues.

What a price he is. And you?

How important do you think you are to him, not looking at the financial support you bring.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/01/2012 12:25

What he will have to pay for lodgings now is the price that he could have paid YOU all these months, OP. Do you realise that?

He will have to manage now... and he will, so why not beforehand?

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 25/01/2012 12:27

I hate to say this OP, but I have a feeling he will move back in with her...

Original poster

missduff · 25/01/2012 12:30

eirikur yes he brings home more than £1000 , about £1300-£1400 (varies each month) but £800 mortgage + £200 maintenance + £200 loan (for home improvements) + petrol (luckily car is a company car) = his whole wage. It's a joke.

Meanwhile ex is earning about £1700 plus tax credits plus child benefit plus the maintenance and getting the house paid for, just doesn't seem right that one woman on her own should be so much better off than a couple.

OP posts:

aldiwhore · 25/01/2012 12:30

He sounds like he's being emotionally blackmailed into paying more than his fair share. He IS paying more than his fair share, and whilst you've got to respect any non-resident parent who pays more than they are 'required' he's doing this at the expense of his new life.

Money will probably be tight even if him and his ex split things more fairly, but at least he won't be in the situation of being bled dry by someone who's not playing fair.

If the ex is that bad though, I think he needs to go down a more official route, get to court.... that in itself could prove expensive, so I wouldn't even begin to hope that this is going to be a quick fix.

YABU to throw him out, but you are NBU to want a more fair solution and he needs to play an active part.

Tricky.

Original poster

missduff · 25/01/2012 12:33

hexagonal how can you say that when you don't know either of them or their relationship? There's no couple less likely to get back together. Yes it would make financial sense for him but they can't stand each other, kind of a pretty key factor in being in a relationship!

OP posts:

kelly2000 · 25/01/2012 12:34

Whatever the legal standpoint, he had children he is morally responsible to pay for half their costs including housing. If he ends up paying only fifty pounds a week for his own children then he is a feckless tosser. The difference between one adult living in a one bedroomed flat and their living costs, and that of one adult and several children living housing big enough to accomadate them and their living costs is not £100 a week. he will be behaving disgustingly if he only pays £200 pcm towards his own children - do you think you could look after several children and pay their housing costs on £400 pcm.

If the ex works, is she paying all the childcare whilst he whines how much money shes got -maybe she dumped him because he was so feckless. The fact he was prepared to stay in the family home whilst his children were in a council house, and only moved out when he could not afford it does not make him look good. i suspect he behaved the same way with her, and he got a shock when he suddenly had to manage things himself and she was not constantly picking up the tab.

Have you actually considered that he wants to keep paying the mortage so he can make a tidy profit for himself when he sells it. Have you suggested going to a solicitor and drawing up a contract that states he will pay you x amount when he sells it to pay you back for supporting him for the past few months??

foglike · 25/01/2012 12:36

He should probably pay more where he's living of course but you've got to make a decision unilaterally OP.

Don't listen to the judgemental posters who are making assumptions about your life and his impact on it. Look at the facts as they pertain to you and your family.

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