To have kicked DP out?

[missduff]

So me and DP have been together for just over 2 years, he lives in my house but doesn't contribute anything, I mean in the past 4 months since we've been living here (I moved in to my mums for a whole whilst I cleared debts) he has given a grand total of £20 towards food!!

He's a lovely guy, he has a good job but the problem is he is still paying the mortgage that his ex and his kids live in, plus a loan linked with the house plus child maintenance.

5 weeks ago we found out that I'm pregnant and he promised he'd get all his finances sorted, see a solicitor, speak to his ex and get it sorted so he will be able to support us when I'm on maternity leave.

I am in no way saying that he shouldn't be supporting his existing children but his ex is in a decent job, earns more than him but yet he is paying almost all his money out to support them which he is not obliged to do, the CSA say he needs to pay £200 pcm in child maintenance and he pays that + the £800 mortgage.

He seriously just has no money to give me and I'm really worried about how we'll cope when baby is here and I'll be on SMP.

I'm so sick of him promising hes going to do this and he's going to do that and then it not happening.
So last night it came to a head and I told him to leave and not come back till he's able to support me and our baby.

AIBU??

So you think it is ok for someone who gets at least £1300 pcm to only pay £200 towards his children?

He should pay half the mortgage plus the £200 or whatever he has to pay for the children. I would have thought though that if he wanted to sell the house then they would have to come to some arrangement after the divorce which i hope he is now getting.
I have no experience of this at all but £200 doesnt sound much for 2 children when you take into account extra rent for a larger house (if they sell) food, clothes, transport, etc etc etc.

If she got herself a council house after the split, why did they not sell the house? What are they going to do now that she has returned with the children to the family home?

Would it not made sense to put the house on the market and sell it while they could?

hexagonal how can you say that when you don't know either of them or their relationship? There's no couple less likely to get back together. Yes it would make financial sense for him but they can't stand each other, kind of a pretty key factor in being in a relationship!

Because it's the sort of thing that feckless losers like him tend to do.

kelly it's lovely have you can make a bunch of assumptions you know nothing about!
His ex left him saying that she hated the house and didn't want anything to do with it, it was a bad buy, they lost all the equity they had in it because it turned out it needed lots more work doing on it than they ever anticipated. He offered to leave when they were splitting up but she didn't want the house, she wanted a fresh start and pointed out that it's better for her to leave than him because she would be able to get a council house and be wouldn't.

When they were together DP was earning double what he does now and she was earning a lot less. He works in a career which has been hit hard by the recession so his wage which is heavily made up by bonuses his wage has been hugely affected, but at least he has a job where as many of his colleagues have been made redundant.
On the other hand she has had a big promotion so is now on much more money.
And as far as your assumption goes about childcare-they are both in school and her sister drops them off and picks them up therefore no childcare costs.
DP could not be less of a feckless father if he tried, he pays all his wage on his kids so I've got no idea how you could say that! I get £5pw off my ex for my DS, THAT is a feckless father!
But DP needs to be able to move on from ex and that means providing for his new child as much as he does for his existing 2. How is he supposed to do that if you're suggesting that he should be paying the amount he currently does?

I'm not sure whether you want to be unreasonable or not as you keep backtracking! If he's such an amazing, compassionate, rational man then surely kicking him out if a bit like shooting yourself in the foot?

If he really was all the things you say he is then you wouldn't have just chosen to be a single mother would you...

hexagonal you sound very bitter towards men, sounds like you need some therapy to me.
How is he feckless? Because SHE left him and he's now supporting his children? He pays all his wage on them, seems them 4 times week (2 over night visits + 2 tea time visits) speaks to them daily, I'd call that anything BUT feckless!!

nixea we've not split up, just told him I'm not going to continue to put a roof over his head whilst he's not in a position to support me financially.
We are madly in love, there's no question over that, i just want him to pull his finger out and actually do the things he keeps saying he's going to do.

Show she just walked straight in to a council house, despite already having a home she could live in?

He's feckless as he gets someone else pregnant who he sponges off (save for the odd £20 here and there)
Sorry but you asked.

hexagonal you sound very bitter towards men, sounds like you need some therapy to me.
How is he feckless? Because SHE left him and he's now supporting his children? He pays all his wage on them, seems them 4 times week (2 over night visits + 2 tea time visits) speaks to them daily, I'd call that anything BUT feckless!!

Why post on AIBU if you don't want opinions and are going to start getting personal with people when you don't like what you hear? If you re-read through the thread I am NOT the only person to call your DH feckless. It has nothing to do with me being bitter towards men, and I take great offence at your suggestion that I need therapy. I could say the same to you, that you need therapy for putting up with a sponging, useless, feckless man for so long and thinking what he is done is ok, but I wasn't going to get personal!

The only reason I can think of that a man would pay ALL of their ex's mortgage when she earns a decent salary is that they are harbouring hope that they will get back together and move back in...sorry OP but I agree with Hex
And if you are so "madly in love" and he is such an amazing man surely you would be helping him out over this i.e. making an appointment with a solicitor and going with him as his partner to sort things out - not throwing him out on his arse. I think youre playing a very dangerous game if you want to stay with him

Was the pregnancy one of those great Mumsnet 'accidents' by any chance? Did you think it would force him to 'step up to the mark' ?(sorry for using such a Jezza expression)

missduff things sound really complicated with your partner and his ex - I agree with you that they need to sort things so that there is a clear contribution that means he is paying a reasonable amount of the childrens living costs but also for him to also pay his own living costs rather than relying on you.

If you were looking for more support you maybe could have posted in the relationships section, maybe my posting there you could look objectively at what is going on and make sure that you are not left alone to pick up the pieces here.

Good luck

he lives in my house but doesn't contribute anything, I mean in the past 4 months since we've been living here (I moved in to my mums for a whole whilst I cleared debts) he has given a grand total of £20 towards food!!

Regardless of other issues, you are supporting this guy. You are giving him a free place to live and by the sounds of it even paying for his food (or is your Mum?).

You see, I may BU, but I would read that as if I WAS PAYING £££ TO THE EX-WIFE. He can only pay her over the odds because you are supporting HIM. If he had to pay rent/bills/food etc he would probably not be paying for 100% of her mortgage. So effectively the money may well be coming our of your pocket.

Clearly he needs to sort his finances out so he can pay what he needs to for his family, pay his own way, and work out a plan for the future with you.

YANBU & he is taking the piss - I would say, "love to be with you, but it must be on equal terms and you must do what you say you are going to do. I need to be able to trust you which means you must follow through on your words with action. So off you go, sort yourself out, and if you want to be with me on the terms we have agreed, you know where I'll be. "

But then I can be pretty hard arsed.

YANBU better to do it now than years down the line when you would probably resent him for giving you and your child nothing and yet expecting everything. You may love him but you dont haveto put up with footing the bill for everything while his ex is probably singing all the way to the bank with barely a bill to pay

missduff Wed 25-Jan-12 13:08:56
hexagonal you sound very bitter towards men, sounds like you need some therapy to me.

I've reread all Hex's posts, and nowhere can I see bitterness, just patient advice based on experience. OP, your knee-jerk over-reaction to her posts (I presume to her first pointing out the likelihood he will go back to his wife and secondly calling him a "feckless loser" when you asked why she would say that) actually suggests to me she has spoken your fear out loud to you. His wife left him. He didn't leave her. In truth, even after all this time, he still probably hasn't left her. He hands all his money to her, in silent supplication.

Regardless of whether you agree with this - and remember, it is based on what you have told us, combined with our personal experiences (i.e. what we have learned from observing or being in similar circumstances) - your relationship with this man is in trouble. Disregarding his family, he has lived off you without presumably a murmur (I presume you'd have mentioned it when you defended him, if he'd been troubled by this).

I get £5pw off my ex for my DS, THAT is a feckless father!

And you get £5 per MONTH off your DP when you are providing him with a roof over his head, feeding him, heating, electricity...

So what does that make him?

He's taking your money so he can give it to his wife.

I agree, it sounds like you are the one paying for his ex-wife's maintenance. Indirectly, by subsidising his living costs, but it amounts to the same thing. She and the children may be his responsibility, but they're surely not yours? And what about his responsibilities to the new baby you're presumably going to have?

I guess this might be an unpopular/old-fashioned opinion, but I am not sure this modern trend of everyone having lots of short-lived relationships, and having a new child every time they switch to a new partner, is a good idea. Especially if they're not able or willing to support them properly.

missduff, out of interest, if all his money is going on his ex and his children, who buys things that he needs? Clothes? Shoes? Toiletries? A pint at the pub? Lunches whilst at work? I'm guessing that you buy all of those for him too...

I am wondering if the OP is beginning to see the writing on the wall, or her forehead, so to speak...

M. U. G. by any chance? [bwink]

kelly if I give you my XH address will you go and tell him he's morally obliged to pay half my rent as well as the pittance he pays me in maintainence?

Moral obligation and legal obligation are two different things, if the csa says he has to pay £200 a month he should pay that and any extra he feels he can afford if he wants to. Some kids are lucky and have fathers that go beyond their legal duty, some aren't. Morals don't really come into it.

Well not exactly, she's not paying the children's maintenance, she's paying their mortgage.

That they still have. Together.

As for paying for your children's shelter not being a moral obligation? Words fail me.

Paying the legal minimum and not a penny more, when it is a paltry £200 per month for 2 children is immoral if you earn £1400 after tax.