To have kicked DP out?

[missduff]

So me and DP have been together for just over 2 years, he lives in my house but doesn't contribute anything, I mean in the past 4 months since we've been living here (I moved in to my mums for a whole whilst I cleared debts) he has given a grand total of £20 towards food!!

He's a lovely guy, he has a good job but the problem is he is still paying the mortgage that his ex and his kids live in, plus a loan linked with the house plus child maintenance.

5 weeks ago we found out that I'm pregnant and he promised he'd get all his finances sorted, see a solicitor, speak to his ex and get it sorted so he will be able to support us when I'm on maternity leave.

I am in no way saying that he shouldn't be supporting his existing children but his ex is in a decent job, earns more than him but yet he is paying almost all his money out to support them which he is not obliged to do, the CSA say he needs to pay £200 pcm in child maintenance and he pays that + the £800 mortgage.

He seriously just has no money to give me and I'm really worried about how we'll cope when baby is here and I'll be on SMP.

I'm so sick of him promising hes going to do this and he's going to do that and then it not happening.
So last night it came to a head and I told him to leave and not come back till he's able to support me and our baby.

AIBU??

The point os the kids wouldnt be leaving his ex wife can afford the payments herself theres got to be more to it than he simply must pay his ex all that money. If my dp was paying every penny he had to his ex wife it wouldn't sit right with me either especially as op is pregnant. What about this unborn child's needs? Is he doing anything to provide for said baby? Doesnt sound like it. Sounds like ex wife is still inside his head and possibly his heart

It's good that you're making some progress with him, however I think it will take more than an evening job and making savings to support you and the baby. And in any case, why should it be you making savings when it sounds as though you have made enough sacrifices financially for him already? You're going to end up scrimping and saving and going without things you like/enjoy so that he can keep paying vast amounts of money to his ex.

missduff,
If you partner ends up paying £200 a month only, and thinks he has no duty to house his own children (presumably that includes yours too) then he is a feckless loser. His children will always be his children, your child is no more important to him than the children by his ex and he has just as much a duty to them as to yours. You seem to be complaining that he should give you money, but on the other hand think it is fair he pays £200 a month only for his othe rchildren. So presumably he should be paying for his own food, his own share of the rent as if it was a one bedroomed place, and £25 per week towards costs for your child, whilst you pay everythign else including the entire difference between a one bedroomed flat and a place big enough for a child.

Foxy,
Yes I know which is why I think the CSA should step up to the mark not encourage a culture where a child is always the mothers financially responsibility and the father is hard done to if he has to even pay a bit towards their upkeep.

Kelly2000 why don't you think £200 is adequate? The childrens' mother will be receiving child tax credits, child benefit and her salary too, which is £1700 per month.

Missduff I would think very carefully about sorting out joint finances. His children and the maintenance he pays to them are not your responsibility. If you decide to lump all your income together then you ARE effectively paying for them, or at least contributing to them. You're not obliged to do that. Fine if you want to. But if you're already worried about how he will support you and your baby, then surely you will be doubly so if you're lumping your finances together to pay maintenance etc?

Kelly quite frankly I don't give a flying fuck what you think, you quite clearly live on another planet to the rest of us and read something, process it with the 2 brain cells you have and then come up with a whole load of unjustified conclusions.

The house is going, they'll either sell it and she can have any money that is made from it or she can buy it off him for the value of what is left on the mortgage.

What arrangements they come to regarding maintenance is between the 2 of them, he will always provide for his kids and make sure they are living in a decent house and don't go without. Nobody has said he will be paying the minimum he has to, just that he is currently paying way over the odds.

Hope he's not just stringing you along, missduff, because it does rather sound like it. Time will tell.

In the meantime I think you also need to put some thought into how you're going to manage to support yourself and your two children with minimal help from either of your children's fathers.

I take it he is not actually divorced, which is why there has been no financial settlement as yet with regard to the joint assets (ie the house). Does he have a pension fund?

missduff why are you being so defensive and downright rude when we are ALl trying to be constructive and supportive and are on YOUR side?!

As I said yesterday I really dont know why you posted. We have all tried to help you and yet you are throwing it back in everyone's faces and having a temper tantrum because we didnt' say what you wanted us to. Maybe next time you should write in your OP that you will only accept certain answers.

No doubt you will tell me to fuck off now too but I had to say that. You're coming across as very childish and ungrateful.

OP you haven't actually answered my question as to whether or not they are divorced?

I thought that if a couple with children split up them the parent with the kids can stay in the family home until the children are 18.

So basically she has to agree to sell it, or agree to take his name off the mortgage. And if she is the spiteful cow you claim her to be, she will do neither, particularly when he stops paying all the mortgage.

If he agrees to her staying in the house until the children are 18, he won't be obliged to pay the mortgage. She will have to do that herself. He will be entitled to a proportion of the house's equity when the house is eventually sold though.

But what Hex, if the ex wife refuses to take his name off the mortgage, or the bank refuses to let him? Surely them he is legally obliged to pay his share or risk default?

switch sometimes courts do order for the parents with residence to remain in the house-think its called a Mesher Order, but they wouldn't insist that the father pays all of the mortgage while not living there, and espeically if the father cannot afford to pay for his own accommodation. They would consider the finances of both parties, and the mother would have to make some financial contribution to housing herself.

I am unsure as to why some posters think the man should pay for all of the Ex's housing, when he clearly can't afford to house himself. That isn't morally right, just playing a martyr if you ask me.

OP, glad he has taken steps to getting it sorted, but you should stick to your guns until he has got things properly underway.

Didn't OP say that the ex doesn't want the house anyway, so it sounds like she is unlikely to offer to buy him out. Plus there is negative equity, so it's a bit of a stalemate. As I see it, none of this can be resolved until he divorces the ex.

Which also costs money!

I guess we'll never know unless OP comes back and answers some questions.

they can't stand each other

Sorry OP but maybe you need to take those rose coloured glasses off, If he can't stand her then why is he paying for everything?

He really does seem not to have left that relationship.

Of you wanna be told what you want to hear ask your best friend what she thinks

I wouldn't normally quote another thread by an OP, but I feel it is relevant in this thread.

Here, we have been told that "he brings home more than £1000 , about £1300-£1400 (varies each month) but £800 mortgage + £200 maintenance + £200 loan (for home improvements) + petrol (luckily car is a company car) = his whole wage. It's a joke."

Also "£800 is all the mortgage, she doesn't pay anything."

But on an earlier thread, "He is now paying £850pcm on the mortgage and she pays him £450pcm, the rental income would normally be about £600pcm but he agreed to her paying him less rent as she said she would spend some money on it to increase its saleability."

My point being, his wife (I don't think they are divorced) is paying approximately half of the housing costs; but more importantly, he has another £450/month coming in but is still making no financial contribution to the OP for his own living costs. That's materially different to the scenario presented on this thread.

OP - he is being deeply unfair to you.

So the wife pays him rent for the house they own (but he pays mortgage on) to live there (assumably as she has moved out of the council house she got) so he does have money he can spend on living to ease the burden on the op?

But if this is the set up, then how likely is it that they will actually agree to put it on the market to sell it? Especially if the house is in negative equity, they both pay "just" around £400 per month each, and BOTH have their accommodation sorted! She in their house, he with the OP!

You are right. It IS confusing.

hex,
If the father is only contributing £200 a month, why should the mother contribute £1700. Surely the mother should also contribute only £200 for the children.
Also if you look at recent court cases, if he does not pay the mortgage and it is sold in several years time he will probably not be entitled to much of the profit.

Missduff,
If I was having a child with a man in this situation i would not be so quick to accuse other people of being stupid. I fail to see why pointing out that his children with his ex are just as important to him as his children with you makes me stupid?

The mother won't be contributing £1700 though; she will undoubtedly be receiving CTC and CB in addition to the maintenance. She would have to pay a mortgage/rent and bills anyway whether the kids live with her or not and she will no doubt in total with the benefits and the maintenance have around £500 per month in all which I'm sure would pay for the childrens expenses without even touching the £1700, unless she is paying for childcare too, in which case then the OP's DH should pay half of that IMO.

Whereyouleftit Ah! I had thought it all sounded vaguely familiar. So the ex is actually paying him either around half the mortgage anyway, or not far short of half of what he is paying for the mortgage and the loan (£800+£200 pm or £850+£200 pm depending which thread you read).

This sounds like a good arrangement to me, because there isn't enough equity in the house to enable her to raise a mortgage on her own to buy him out, and as OP has said both the house and the loan are in his name, he can't default or it will affect his credit rating.

Her income, tax credits etc. make absolutely no difference to the amount of maintenance he is required to pay for their two children - and what happens to the house will be decided by the court on divorce if he and the ex cannot reach agreement.

There is about £10k equity, which will no doubt pay for the divorce with a bit of loose change left for a cab home from the court.

It seems the ex isn't being quite as outrageously greedy as we were led to believe. Plus, under the current arrangement, his children remain settled with a roof over their heads. Which is what you'd expect if he is truly such a fantastic father, surely?

missduff has her own house, on which she pays a "small mortgage". DP has £1300-£1400 earnings per month, plus £450 a month rent from the ex. Say £1750 per month. He pays out £1000 mortgage/loan repayment and £200 maintenance. Leaving him with £550 per month. Which means he can surely pay OP more than £20 in 4 months, and make an adequate contribution to cover the mortgage while she is on maternity leave.

missduff I think it's your DP you should be directing your anger at, not his ex.

Hang on, she's paying half of the mortgage??? missduff you're way off with this - your dp is taking the piss!

whereyouleftit but it actually turns out that I had misunderstood the arrangement they had.
When she was moving in DP said to me that she was renting it for £450 (a reduced rate) on the condition that she was going to be doing work to the house to sell it. I took that to mean she was giving him £450 every month + spending money on it. It wasn't till a couple of weeks ago when we sat down to go through his finances and work out exactly why he has got NO money and I said ''what about the money from X'' and he replied ''what money? It goes in the house'' that I found out that the arrangement was actually that she is supposed to be spending £450pcm on doing the house up.
I've since also found out from a mutual friend that this was the arrangement but she's not done much to it, painted the kitchen and had some hedges cut back, hardly several thousand pounds worth of work.

Are they actually divorced? Because it seems a very messy situation post-divorce

hex, the rent and bills would be smaller for one person than for one persona nd two children. Ops dp should be paying half the difference