About DBro's wedding and 'no children' rule ?

[TippleMacFreddy]

It is very possible that I am being unreasonable. But.....

My eldest brother is getting married, big lavish do, the whole shebang.

His fiancée is alright and I am close to my brother.

The weekend of the wedding me and DH will have a 10 day old DC1. ( I have to have a C-sec)
The wedding is near DBro fiancée's home town which is about 6 hours from where we live.
If it was anyone else we would have made our apologies.
But I am close to my brother and he asked if I would do a reading at ceremony. So we had decided to go.

They had decided that there would be no children invited to the wedding (at night, very big but a very 'grown up')
Me and DBro have had many a long chats about the wedding and such. And I always assumed that the 'no kids' rule didn't include our DC (esp. as me and DBro have talked about how if it wasn't him we wouldn't go)

Anyway we were talking today and it transpired that DC will count in this rule.

I got back to them later saying that unfortunately that means we can't go and explained why.

My DBro is upset.

Tonight I have received an email from his fiancée and 2 texts saying - that I could leave DC behind, that they will be fine, that I should 'put the effort in' as it is their wedding, and he is my brother, that I should be there.

AIBU to think that if they want me there that badly then they will have to accept that DC will be there as well?
And also
AIBU to think that those messages are just plain childish?

OP YANBU - a 6 hour journey with a baby will actually be more like a 10 hour journey (with all the breaks you need to take the baby out the car seat, feed, change them etc.) and that will be the case each way. Your baby may become distressed being strapped in a car seat for the duration of the journey (both my kids HATED their car seat when small babies) and listening to a small child wailing away while stuck in a car is no fun. You were lovely to agree to go with the baby and putting yourselves out massively for your DBro and SIL - but you're right that going without your baby is just not on the cards. Stay home and snuggle with your little one instead - and try not to worry too much after all the post CS war-stories on this thread...

"I did actually spend a day apart from ds when he was a couple of days old"

did I say that???? I'm bloody insane! I meant a couple of weeks!!!! gaaah!!!!

I would usually say that its up to the bride and groom, but there should be some room for mitigating circumstances, like a family member having a 10 day old baby.

YANBU. If they want you there I think you have to convince your bro that you will have your baby with you or you won't be able to go... its HIS call, make it clear that it is, and make it clear that there is no other option.

Maypole Clearly you have zero experience of breastfeeding a 10 week old so are not in a position to advise the OP on what to do.

OP-what do your parents (and other siblings if there are any?) think of this? I don't think anyone who has had a baby would think this was a good idea!

We declined a wedding invitation which would have been 10 days after my last c-section and I'm so glad we did! The baby was invited and the wedding was local, but still-I was flooding maternity and breast pads continually so felt hideous, none of my clothes fitted, was feeding every hour and a half, on antibiotics ecause my scar wasn't healing, cried continually and had mastitis.

The wedding couple sound extremely young and selfish-don't any of their own friends have young babies or have they pissed them off, too?

YADNBU.

10 days post section I was struggling with breastfeeding, had concerns about ds's weightloss, was exceptionally teary because of these issues, was lucky if I could express 15ml, never mind a feed, and an ill-advised walk around town left me grey and being put to my bed by my mil as I looked so fucking awful - and I was recovering well!

There is not a chuff in hell's chance I would have been able to attend a wedding, and an even smaller chance I would have left ds. I got twitchy with anyone but me, my DH, or my parents holding him (poor lovely mil!). We drove up 'home' with ds - 4 hours - at 11 days post section, and it was not comfortable.

Tell them to fuck the fuck off and when they get there, fuck off some more.

Lol I was feeling quite down today but maypole post have made me laugh. What planet are you on?

If this is real, thank goodness that your nutter Bro/SIL have made this announcement now, and that you (hopefully especially after this) won't even attempt to attend, with or without your baby.

I was in hospital for four days after my section, I don't think I left the house for a couple of weeks after that. I lost a lot of blood and was anaemic for while afterwards: one of my main fears was fainting if we went out (happened a couple of times in the first week home - so, about the ten day after mark). The pain was manageable, but I attribute my good overall recovery to the fact that I did indeed genuinely try and do NOTHING but feed the baby and rest for those first few weeks. Luckily a combination of saved leave and paternity meant that I had DH home for the first four weeks - a godsend.

There is no way on earth I could have contemplated sitting upright with my feet down, belted in in a car for six hours ten days after the op. Regardless of simple pain/discomfort, it's a dangerous idea - you are still at risk of DVT. You would almost certainly hamper your scar recovery. If you want to recover well and quickly, DON'T EVEN TRY TO DO A JOURNEY LIKE THAT!

As for the breastfeeding issue - well, I echo what everyone else has said. The first six weeks or so felt focused on breastfeeding to pretty much the exclusion of everything else, and it was STILL hard going. But that's just the way it is! - I'd bet a thousand pounds that no-one who has suggested that it might be possible to leave the baby has breastfed, and think it's unlikely that they have children at all. Ten days in, the baby was on me almost continually. Half an hour max might have been possible in a car seat before another feed/change/soothe. And there's no planning it - the key to establishing breastfeeding is to let the baby guide you too. No good being pulled into a services at 9pm to discover that no, baby doesn't want a fifteen minute feed, they want to cluster feed for a three hour stretch to stimulate production as instinct tells them they need to get you to make more milk. Yes, you could strap them back into the car seat and just carry on, and let your ten-day-old scream itself purple for a couple of hours while your milk production doesn't get the message it needs. I can't think of a better way to jeopardise your breastfeeding to be honest! (and expressing - well no, it doesn't work like that ten days in, pretty much like it's pointless telling a learner driver after ten days that you don't see why they can't just hop in the car and drive to Land's End, after all they know what to do, right?)

If I'd prioritised a journey like that at ten days in, I can assure you that breastfeeding would probably have failed.

This leaves out all the rest of the obvious stuff like you can't put a newborn in a car seat for six hours (no, you REALLY can't), the fact you'll be exhausted, bleeding, probably extremely UNABLE, genuinely UNABLE, to take part/enjoy/be whatever your Bro/SIL want you to be on the day.

Good luck with your section - golden rule - TAKE IT EASY. Do as little as possible, get everyone else to help with EVERYTHING. Lie down and rest more than you think you'll need to. Stay out of the car, hard seats, visiting other people etc. And you'll heal fine!

YANBU!!!!! Your brother and sil to be are clearly insane.

If this isn't a reserve aibu then OP please can you print this off and put in the congratulations card you send when they have their first baby.

Just thought 6 hours of seat belt resting on your recent scar, ouch. Not the best idea.

Sorry I meant 10 day old!

You won't be able to do the drive, seriously. Every half turn and twist on the road pulls on your scar and it's agony, feels like you are being ripped apart. I wouldn't attempt it for that reason alone - you'll understand when you get in the car to leave the hospital.

If this isn't a reverse AIBU, the reason the OP hasn't come back is that you've probably all scared the hell out of her! You might not feel that bad OP! It's unpredictable, which is why you shouldn't plan on going, but with DS i took him camping for a weekend at a local music festival at 14 days old and had a lovely happy time! I appreciate I was lucky as DS fed well and I recovered well, but you could be lucky too! Don't worry, it might be ok, or atleast alot better than these doom mongers are predicting! :-)

However, YANBU to not go without him. That sounds the crazy talk of child free newly weds to be! It might just be possible, but intensely difficult, dependant on impossible to predict circumstances and likely to affect the early parenting choices you make. Maybe SIL expects you tobe well and your baby to be bottle fed? You'll all laugh about this when you and your SIL's first born's are toddling and you're both pregnant with your second.

If you're a compassionate turn the other cheek kind of girl, why don't you say that in the event you and the baby are physically well you'd still be happy to attempt the journey if they'll reconsider their position and explore ways to accommodate you needing to feed your newborn, and if not then Why don't you suggest a skype link up or pre recorded speech?

Is there a wedding forum on here?-it would be interesting to see what brides who are in the midst of planning a wedding think about this!

maypole do you have children? Your comments are tbh, mabey YOUR the bridezilla in question. Honestly you do not have a clue do you! Read the posts on here, the op has had major abdominal surgery and she won't be able to drive or go anywhere really for 6 weeks, especially on her own. Its a newborn baby fgs he/she needs to be near or close to the mother or parents not 6 hours away! Newborns feed little and often because of the size of their tummies, the op is not a dairy cow, and will not be able to express sufficient amount for the baby especially at this early stage of bf still being established if she is bf.

The op is not expecting her dc to go to the wedding, but they obviously will not be able to go for the above reasons. Its funny how weddings turn people into self centred insane human beings.

It would be unreasonable to expect you to attend the wedding 6 hours' drive away (which, as posters have pointed out, would be more like 10-12 hours' drive once you'd factored in all the breaks you'd need to take) with your 10 day old baby. I can only seeing that being halfway bearable if you planned in overnight stops halfway along the route on the way there and back.

It is absolutely utterly 100% batshit unreasonable to even begin to contemplate the possibility of expecting you to do it without the baby.

You were at a music festival camping 14 days after a c section? I don't believe you.

YANBU. What are you going to do? Can parents or a relative intervene and explain to them they are being thoughtless? If you are so very close to your brother can he not make an exception for a teeny tiny baby to attend who doesn't eat chicken nuggets and add to the costs?!?

They are being ridiculous. They are of course allowed to have their no children rule, however they then have no right to pissed off that you can't attend.

ditziness- You must be some kind of uber robot to go camping 14 days after a birth- Did you have a section?

There is no way I could have gone camping two weeks into my (post section) six week recovery period when sitting up in bed felt like being sawed in half by a crap magician.

Also, whether the OP can take the baby or not, a six hour car journey puts a post surgical patient at greater risk of blood clots and DVT and it's also not good for a newborn to be in a car seat for that long, so baby or not, the wedding is still not advisable.

Ridiculous!! OP - don't feel guilty, as many have said one day your DB and DSiL may understand what in fact they are asking of you.

I understand the child free wedding policy, but a baby that small shouldn't count and shouldn't be away from you or any length of time. The fact you are having a section only adds to their selfishness- expecting you to go that far is ludicrous!!! If it was my DB l hope he would understand and if not I would probably just let him get on with it. Don't let this spoil your pregnancy and birth - weddings come and go.

I never said in had a c section did I?

I had a 50 hour back to back labour, post delivery haemorrhage and some nasty tears, so didn't get off scot free, but was incredibly fortunate to recover well and quickly. I've known friends recover well and quickly with CS's too. I know that it isn't a given tho, and that luck and unpredictability is involved and I wouldn't have planned to do what the OP is being asked to, but just saying she might feel better than some of the ladies on here did. Fingers crossed for her.

I wouldn't go, and write them a nice letter saying regretfully that I hope they understand it's a completely impractical idea with a small baby, but wishing them the best for the day of the wedding.

Well the op is having a c section so whilst it is wonderful you felt so well, your experience is completely irrelevant.