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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DBro's wedding and 'no children' rule ?

582 replies

TippleMacFreddy · 24/01/2012 23:22

It is very possible that I am being unreasonable. But.....

My eldest brother is getting married, big lavish do, the whole shebang.

His fiancée is alright and I am close to my brother.

The weekend of the wedding me and DH will have a 10 day old DC1. ( I have to have a C-sec)
The wedding is near DBro fiancée's home town which is about 6 hours from where we live.
If it was anyone else we would have made our apologies.
But I am close to my brother and he asked if I would do a reading at ceremony. So we had decided to go.

They had decided that there would be no children invited to the wedding (at night, very big but a very 'grown up')
Me and DBro have had many a long chats about the wedding and such. And I always assumed that the 'no kids' rule didn't include our DC (esp. as me and DBro have talked about how if it wasn't him we wouldn't go)

Anyway we were talking today and it transpired that DC will count in this rule.

I got back to them later saying that unfortunately that means we can't go and explained why.

My DBro is upset.

Tonight I have received an email from his fiancée and 2 texts saying - that I could leave DC behind, that they will be fine, that I should 'put the effort in' as it is their wedding, and he is my brother, that I should be there.

AIBU to think that if they want me there that badly then they will have to accept that DC will be there as well?
And also
AIBU to think that those messages are just plain childish?

OP posts:
WaxyBean · 25/01/2012 08:29

10 days old - of course you should be able to bring the baby! In my experience babes in arms don't count in the no children rule. They don't eat a meal, take up a seat, and are easy enough to take out if they kick up a fuss. We're bringing our 3 (or so) month old to a wedding in June that's 90 minutes away. We wouldn't go if we couldn't bring him, though are leaving our toddler at home.

cory · 25/01/2012 08:33

I would stress the fact that you are actually having major surgery and will probably not be recovered by that time. I was 5 days in hospital after mine and by day 10 had just about got to the stage where I could shuffle down to the garden; a 6 hour car drive would have been totally out of the question. And yet I had no complications whatsoever, just normal after-effects of surgery.

You certainly won't be able to drive yourself (not recommended for 6 weeks, let alone 10 days!).

I'd be very surprised if you can find someone apart from your dh willing to take on the responsibility for such a young child- I consider myself an experienced parent but I wouldn't do that for a friend.

The baby will still be under MW/HV care.

And as a previous poster mentioned 6 hours in a car seat is certainly not recommended for a baby.

I did actually spend a day apart from ds when he was a couple of days old, but it was an absolute emergency (dying FIL), breastfeeding was established, he was my second child and dh who took him was experienced. Even so it felt like a major venture and not something we would have undertaken lightly.

RillaBlythe · 25/01/2012 08:33

175 posts & only Maypole thinks you should leave the baby behind with some chicken nuggets? OP you can rest assured that YANBU.

Dd1 was unplanned & 3 wks old at Dp's sister's planned childfree wedding. When we told SIL the due date she did say 'you'll have to get your mum down to look after the baby', & I said I planned on breastfeeding, not sure, um, & she said 'oh bring her'. So we did, SIL organised a room at the venue for me to retreat to if I wanted to, & it all went fine. SIL was very gracious now I think about it.

PeneloPeePitstop · 25/01/2012 08:38

I see Maypole has her head firmly rammed up her arse as usual.

StrandedBear · 25/01/2012 08:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chubfuddler · 25/01/2012 08:41

Actually I'm just going to come out and say it. Six hours in a car seat could kill a 10 day old baby. It's not likely but it could.

Please just tell them no.

OrmIrian · 25/01/2012 08:41

Good lord! No yanbu at all. They are being totally unfair.

babybythesea · 25/01/2012 08:41

I love the idea of 'popping back to a hotel room'. I had a good, straightforward VB, though with significant amounts of tearing. And I didn't 'pop' anywhere for about a month. I ate paracetamol like smarties just to make it bearable. I only weed in the shower because to wee on the toilet was too painful, so each and every wee involved stripping half off - not exactly quick or dignified. I sat on cushions arranged in a very particular manner. And I could walk well enough for about 20 minutes after which I became wobbly and needed to rest. I am wincing just thinking about sitting on a church pew, and skipping gaily back to a hotel room to attend to my tiny baby, never mind sitting in the car for that length of time....

Garliccheesechips · 25/01/2012 08:43

I find it hilarious that so many people think their wedding is the most important thing in the entire world. I am angry on your behalf OP. You cannot leave your baby. Your SIL-to-be is acting like a spoiled tot.

marthastew · 25/01/2012 08:43

I wasn't fit to go to the end of my street 10 days post birth never mind going 6 hours away. Let alone going somewhere without my baby. Future SIL is being bonkers.

What Bagof Holly says is spot on - just wait until they are 10 days post birth and remind them of this!

birdofthenorth · 25/01/2012 08:50

Btw, all child-free weddings I have been to have made exceptions for babes in arms, and I'm talking up to a year! Surely the main point of child-free weddings is the kids take up chairs? N/a for newborns!

Furthermore, my DD is 16 mo and I'd probably still reject all wedding invites a long way away that did not include her. Haven't left her overnight yet. Would have been distraught to leave her at 10 days! Plus I couldn't sit down without agony for 2.5 weeks.

Is your own mum alive and on good terms with you and DB, OP? If so I'd implore her to talk to DB and SIL and explain the practicalities of newborns/ recovering from birth!

Bogeyface · 25/01/2012 08:51

Stranded I said that last night, I am 90% that this is a reverse AIBU!

porcamiseria · 25/01/2012 08:54

tell them to go fuckl themselves! yanbu , as everyone will have said

StrandedBear · 25/01/2012 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Squitten · 25/01/2012 08:58

YADNBU for all the reasons already mentioned.

Don't give in to this emotional blackmail and if they really do ban you from the wedding, I would tell EVERYONE. Make sure your whole family knows why you aren't there. My family would go mental at my brother if he tried this...

Bogeyface · 25/01/2012 08:58

THat was exactly my reasoning Stranded, great minds and all that :o

QuintessentiallyShallow · 25/01/2012 08:59

It is totally unreasonable, and extremely inconsiderate to:

a) demand that somebody leave their 10 day old infant behind and go to a wedding 6 hours drive away.
b) expect somebody to attend and do a reading at a wedding 10 days post op.

The fact that the op is not back, could indicate that she is in fact the sil and this is a reverse aibu. We shall see.

Chubfuddler · 25/01/2012 09:01

This the first time I have ever hoped it is a reverse thread. If it is, you are a LOON sil and should be ashamed if yourself. And when you have a baby of your own, you will be ashamed to remember this.

Cassettetapeandpencil · 25/01/2012 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redridingwolf · 25/01/2012 09:07

I predict that in a couple of years time your brother and his wife will have a newborn of their own.

And they will expect all the family to utterly revolve around the new infant, will be outraged at any suggestion it should not attend any event etc. etc.

If you are very lucky they will be embarrassed at the memory of their demands.

Under no circs give in. You and your baby are far more important. You will feel guilty forever if you try and leave a tiny baby for a night. It would be impossible to express so early and such a tiny baby would be miserable to be without you and your milk.

They have no idea.

exoticfruits · 25/01/2012 09:08

I hope that this is a reverse AIBU. The more I think about it, the more mad it seems to expect someone with a c section and a 10day old baby to be up to it. I think that it is probably too much even if the baby was welcome.

marge2 · 25/01/2012 09:11

I am amazed they are expecting you to travel 6 hours at all 10 days after any kind of major abdominal surgery let alone also having the stress of not having slept and having a new born to think of. I assume your DB and his fiancee have no kids yet. I would tell here to take a look at Mumsnet - all the newborn stress bits and then ask if they still think you should "make the effort".
They are being mad and totally unrealistsic. BUT they probably have no idea that they are. I would ask your parents to have a word with your DB.

..and I would remind them of their demands 10 days after they have their first baby! They will die of embarrassment.

LoveInAColdClimate · 25/01/2012 09:16

Yes, I normally hate reverse AIBUs, but for the first time, I really hope it is the insane bridezilla SIL posting.

If it is you, SIL, just to clarify, you are an insane bridezilla and I do hope this thread has confirmed that for you.

StrandedBear · 25/01/2012 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

orangeLFDThead · 25/01/2012 09:33

yanbu, your db and sil are being incredibly selfish. I did not come out of hospital till 8 days after my section and that was due to a couple of minor complications nothing big or serious. If you are planning to bf you can not express it is far too early and will mess up your milk supply. At 10 days I was still very sore not up to traveling 6 hrs in a car, had really bad baby blues and was crying loads. In normal circumstances I would found it impossible to leave a 10 day old but when I was that bad with baby blues there would just be no way. I was also still bleeding alot, feeling crap and having alot of problems bf at 10 days.
I think you are def putting the effort in considering going with your newborn. You should not back down, if they want you there they can make the exception.
[wondering if she is thinking everyone cooing over a nb will take attention from her, cant really think of another reason why she being so stupid and unreasonable]