About DBro's wedding and 'no children' rule ?

[TippleMacFreddy]

It is very possible that I am being unreasonable. But.....

My eldest brother is getting married, big lavish do, the whole shebang.

His fiancée is alright and I am close to my brother.

The weekend of the wedding me and DH will have a 10 day old DC1. ( I have to have a C-sec)
The wedding is near DBro fiancée's home town which is about 6 hours from where we live.
If it was anyone else we would have made our apologies.
But I am close to my brother and he asked if I would do a reading at ceremony. So we had decided to go.

They had decided that there would be no children invited to the wedding (at night, very big but a very 'grown up')
Me and DBro have had many a long chats about the wedding and such. And I always assumed that the 'no kids' rule didn't include our DC (esp. as me and DBro have talked about how if it wasn't him we wouldn't go)

Anyway we were talking today and it transpired that DC will count in this rule.

I got back to them later saying that unfortunately that means we can't go and explained why.

My DBro is upset.

Tonight I have received an email from his fiancée and 2 texts saying - that I could leave DC behind, that they will be fine, that I should 'put the effort in' as it is their wedding, and he is my brother, that I should be there.

AIBU to think that if they want me there that badly then they will have to accept that DC will be there as well?
And also
AIBU to think that those messages are just plain childish?

Hm, OP posted at 23.20 last night - presumably just before going to bed - there have been a flurry of responses all through the night, understandable for such an emotive/obviously NBU post! - and now people are casting aspersions on why she hasn't come back?? It's been barely 12 hours - maybe she's just got up and gone to work?? Not everyone has their brain wired up remotely to MN 24 hrs a day ...

Anyway, YADDNBU. Just send Bro and SIL the link - no need to say anything else!

I started a thread a few years ago with a similar problem (have namechanged back to the one I used at the time). My dbro and sil were getting married and having a childfree wedding. My bf baby was not invited. I declined the invite (no relatives to have dd, she was ebf and a bottle refuser, I was post operative after an emcs too). My dbro and sil already had an ebf baby themselves (who obviously was at the wedding) so understood my problem. I was called all sorts of names for refusing to go. In the end, after a lot of intervention from family who were aghast, dd was allowed to go. It turned out in the end that it wasn't so much childfree anyway as their friends' dc were all there and they explained- and I quote- that 'we invited them because our friends mean a lot to us'. Your sister and niece on the other hand...?

Anyway, years later they still haven't forgiven me. I ruined sil's wedding apparently by taking the baby (dd slept through the whole thing). So 'they'll understand one day' might not be true.

Exactly scarlett op most probably posted before she went to bed, lots of nocternal MNetters on here, busy in the Morning so no time to read posts, I am sure she will come back later.

Not trying to argue with anyone or question anyone elses experience,know i was lucky and certainly can't speak from experience on post CS recovery, just adding in my experience as this thread is overwhelmingly negative about post birth life!

Still think the OP is not being unreasonable though!

In a funny way, your DB and SIL 2B may have done you a favour by being so intransigent about this. As most people have said, there is absolutely no way you should or will want to leave a 10 day old baby for so long. But even if you could bring the baby, something that may seem reasonable now - two 6 hour journeys plus a wedding, plus getting up to do a reading - may be something you end up dreading when the time comes.

Not necessarily because of pain - everyone's C-sections experiences are different and I think you often recover quicker from an ELCS because you may be less exhausted without all the labour beforehand - but because of the hormones, the sleep deprivation and all the other things that contribute to not wanting to go anywhere much for the first few weeks after giving birth.

Also, as has no doubt been repeated up thread, babies should not spend longer than 2 hours at a time in their car seats so you will need to have at least 2 stops (although that will be no bad thing for you either) which will add more time to your journey.

The thing is, making plans now for what you may be able to do 10 days after your first birth is a hiding to nothing. You may be feeling fine and raring to go, or you may feel rubbish, or like me you may still be in hospital (nothing to do with my CS I hasten to add). But if you have committed to being there and doing a reading you will feel obliged to go.

At least this way, you have a decent reason to back out now and they can make arrangements for someone else to do the reading.

And don't worry too much about your relationship with them. Anyone they know with children will tell them exactly how unreasonable they are being, and as soon as they have their own they will be mortified.

This reminds me of a childfree (then) friend coming to visit my five day old ds with her bf and a huge carry out She thought she would glance at him then settle down for a drinking session, I was still in shock at the three day labour encompassing birthpool, epidural, episiotomy, ventous and forceps.

Not Got A Clue. But you know that anyway...

Even totally leaving aside the physical effects of the CS on the OP, just imagine if it was an adopted 10-day-old baby being left for 24 hrs, or however long. That wouldn't exactly go down well, would it? Babies that age need their mothers.

Jeez ladies, I haven't said that the OP will be able to or should go, with or without her baby, quite the opposite! I just said that she might not feel as bad as some of you did and are expecting her to! Crikey!

My sister got married when my dd was 6 weeks old. I had a straight forward vb and she was my third.

We all went to the wedding which was local, I had family there to help out, everything was nice and relaxed and hotel was really helpful, kept asking if I needed anything. Dd was formula fed and I still found it difficult, I was knackered, dd1 and dd2 were vvv excited about being there and the dancing . My sister is now pregnant and she is absolutely mortified that she has moved the wedding nearer my due date (which is another thread ).

Although I felt great after the birth and was running around doing school runs etc the formality of a wedding etc was exhausting. I wouldn't do it again.

op you are totally nbu

sil is a cow and dbro an idiot

maypole you are a knob

op hope all goes well with your section and you have lovely cuddles with your nb - and as your bro gets married you can sink into the sofa with a warm drink and be glad you are at home with you dc and dp where you belong

ditziness, the women on this thread (me included) who are being "negative" about post birth experiences have usually had a C section. If you have not had one, you cannot label us "negative". You can however, say we are being REALISTIC.

The recovery is totally different to a vaginal birth. That's not to say I am saying vaginal births are easier, far from it, and all experience is different. However this thread is about the OP who will be 10 days post section. If you have never been 10 days post section, you cannot tell us we are being negative.

It's at least 26 stitches through 6 layers of fat, muscle and tissue, leaving an 8 inch scar that usually has stitches or staples in. Coughing hurts, standing up hurts, lying down hurts, sitting down hurts. You will be still taking anti coagulants and painkillers. It takes 6 to 8 weeks to recover, same as if you have had a hysterectomy. You cannot drive or lift in case your stitches rupture.

If you have not had this experience, you have no right to say we are being "negative". We are being realistic.

As others have said, when I read the post title I thought it would be yet another complaint about not letting your little darlings run riot - but in this case YANBU. Your brother & sil are being VVU.

And actually I think you were being way too accommodating in offering to drive 6 hours with your newborn, 10 days after a c section - let alone without! You will still be recovering from a major operation and will be in the first tentative stages of getting your baby (and you) used to breastfeeding. That isn't easy at home with your feet up - so (IMO) would be a bloody nightmare driving along motorways and worrying about wedding speeches! And to suggest you leave your newborn at home is actually quite horrible.

The more I think about this all, the more angry I am feeling for you.

TBH I would tell them to f**k themselves and not go at all.

"Tonight I have received an email from his fiancée and 2 texts saying - that I could leave DC behind, that they will be fine, that I should 'put the effort in' as it is their wedding, and he is my brother, that I should be there."

ha ha - is she for real. After a C-section and with a 10 day old baby! ha ha ha. Definitely show her this thread. Perhaps print it out and give it to her when she has a baby.

now going back to read what this Maypole character has said to upset everyone so much. I do love reading stuff from knobbers!

At 10 days, you may well have only been out of hospital under a week.

You really, really, really don't want to do a 16 hour round trip (you need to add a couple of hours on to the trip time for feeding/making sure your newborn isn't in a carseat for over 2 hours) when you're only a week out of hospital. Quite apart from anything else.

Your sil to be is being vvvv selfish, she really does want all the attention doesn't she ! Your baby will be 10 days old, if she can't cope with that amount of competition on her big day (and it is clearly all about her) she is a knob :) A 10 day old baby is going to make hardly any noise !

TBH, I think even if you feel fantastic by 10 days after your CS, you still shouldn't go, with or without the baby. You need to rest after major surgery and, although stting in a car for 12 hours doesn't sound demanding, it actually is, particualrly with also having to have breaks and get out of the car and walk around which you would have to do.

But, anyway, the midwife will tell you all that when the time comes.

Stay home, bond with your baby and watch the wedding video with the happy couple afterwards.

Fair enough youoldslag, I'm not arguing with you on that.

I have known friends who have reported quick CS recoveries but that's anecdotal, and I'm sure you'd all say very unusual. So in the absence of anyone with a positive story then I'll now out and accept you're being realistic rather than negative.

:-) Hope you feel well OP and don't worry, YANBU.

OP YANBU and to be honest if I was you I would be planning not to go. You may well be feeling quite well by 10 days but with a small baby you can pretty much expect the length of all but the shortest of car journeys to double. With DS even the 1 hour trip to DH's family holiday home turned into a 2+ hour ordeal.

Your baby should absolutely be at the wedding. YANBU on this.

I appreciate you will not feel like the wedding, and travel, 10 days after c section, but I'm also very close to my DB, and in your situation would do my absolute best to be at the wedding. Your newborn baby being at the wedding is ofcourse a must.

I don't think the experiences on here are negative either just realistic. After major surgery it is safe to assume you you are not going to be yourself for a few weeks and need time to recover. My recovery after my section was good, but I would not of been up to travelling all that way and a wedding post 10 days. Of course you might be fine to go, but realistically the changes are you won't be. However that is not really the issue, going without your baby would be an absolute no for me.

I had a quick c section recovery. That doesn't mean I would have been up to dragging myself and nb across the country to attend a wedding at which I was expected to be a key part of the ceremony. Because there is no way I would have been able to do that.

Why are they having this rule? My sister's having the same rule when she gets married in the summer, mainly because of cost. But she's making an exception for my children. My 4 1/2 yo is her flower girl, for a start. She's also making an exception for ANY baby under a year old that needs to be with its parents.

I agree that you should rest after major surgery and that is reason enough not to go, but I could never have left any of my babies when they were that little! Not in a million years.

I have an invite to a wedding in a couple of months, and it's also about 6 hours away. My bf baby will be 10 months old. I am going to decline the invite because I don't want to leave her for a whole weekend. She's not a good sleeper and I'd feel a bit bad about asking someone else to have her. The wedding isn't someone I'm close to, if it was I would make the effort and go. But at 10 months, I'm still not really ready to be that far away from her.

At 10 days old? Not a chance in hell.

I wouldn't have got in a car to go anywhere without my newborn at 10 days old, not even 3 minutes down the road. My hormones were all over the place, I would probably be in floods of tears expecting the car to crash and leave my DCs orphaned.

I love the line somewhere above about 'Don't you love your brother enough to make the effort and attend his wedding?' (Apologies for not quoting exactly, it's a long thread!)

Let me think, who needs my love more? My adult brother who has plenty of other friends/family, or my 10 day-old newborn who doesn't even realise that she's not a part of me any more? Tough one!

ditziness a quick cs recovery does not mean you are up to traveling all that way. It means you coping well with pain, coping with pottering round the house doing odd thing. Maybe a quick trip out. Going on a long journey is different.