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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DBro's wedding and 'no children' rule ?

582 replies

TippleMacFreddy · 24/01/2012 23:22

It is very possible that I am being unreasonable. But.....

My eldest brother is getting married, big lavish do, the whole shebang.

His fiancée is alright and I am close to my brother.

The weekend of the wedding me and DH will have a 10 day old DC1. ( I have to have a C-sec)
The wedding is near DBro fiancée's home town which is about 6 hours from where we live.
If it was anyone else we would have made our apologies.
But I am close to my brother and he asked if I would do a reading at ceremony. So we had decided to go.

They had decided that there would be no children invited to the wedding (at night, very big but a very 'grown up')
Me and DBro have had many a long chats about the wedding and such. And I always assumed that the 'no kids' rule didn't include our DC (esp. as me and DBro have talked about how if it wasn't him we wouldn't go)

Anyway we were talking today and it transpired that DC will count in this rule.

I got back to them later saying that unfortunately that means we can't go and explained why.

My DBro is upset.

Tonight I have received an email from his fiancée and 2 texts saying - that I could leave DC behind, that they will be fine, that I should 'put the effort in' as it is their wedding, and he is my brother, that I should be there.

AIBU to think that if they want me there that badly then they will have to accept that DC will be there as well?
And also
AIBU to think that those messages are just plain childish?

OP posts:
welshcath · 25/01/2012 07:22

I know that after my c-section I wouldn't have been able to have done a 6 hour drive yet alone attend a wedding all day. I mainly fed my LO and slept. I think sometimes that the too posh to push celeb brigade make people forget what major surgery a c-section is.

Moobee · 25/01/2012 07:23

My baby is currently 10 days old after a (slightly traumatic) VB.

I imagined pre-birth that afterwards I would be tired but basically myself. I even thought about packing some champagne and blue cheese in my hospital bag to toast the baby which with hindsight after my experience seems ludicrous! All I could cope with was staggering to the shower, hunched over and going straight back to bed. I was on a huge number of drugs (anti-dvt injections, several antibiotics, anti-inflammatories, laxatives, painkillers) which made me feel ill in themselves (I'm still not sure which one caused the allergic reaction).

Even small trips are major undertakings. I went for a pub lunch and trip to mothercare on day 8 and it was way too much to cope with - I felt exhausted and tearful by the end of the trip. Luckily I was only a 20 minute drive from home.

As for feeding, I have been breastfeeding this evening at 8pm, 10pm (accompanied by mysterious crying fit which seemed to be cured by winding until midnight), 12.30pm, 3am, 6am. Each of these took 30mins to an hour and I felt on occasion like I'd been drained - there's no way I could express on top of that even if I was prepared to risk establishing breastfeeding.

There's no one I would want to leave with this responsibility even if they would accept it.

I don't think you should go anyway even if they allow the baby, a six hour drive may seem possible now but it would be awful for the reasons everyone describes. It's not recommended for a baby to be in a car seat for that long anyway, I think 2 hours max is quoted.

I would go along with others' suggestions here and get your midwife to advise on this trip, as I think they would veto it in quite strong terms.

Silverstar2 · 25/01/2012 07:38

I was still in hospital quite ill 12 days after a c-section with DD, so you just don't know how it will go. With DS, 2 years later, planned CS, although I was in for 5-6 days I think. About 10 days after that we had a family party, about a 2 hour drive away. I agreed, shouldn't have really. DD was 22 months DS was about 2 weeks old. It was ok, but I looked awful, felt worse, and was soooo tried I didn't really enjoy it. Don't know why I agreed really, must have been in a hormonal haze......

And I was bottlefeeding, so a bit 'easier'.

So YANBU at all. If you think you can manage it, by all means go, but please bear in mind that you may still in hospital (hoping not) at 10 days.

Anyway, I wish you all the best for your new arrival.

pigletmania · 25/01/2012 07:38

Bloody hell how selfish of your d bro and his finacee, fair enough they want a child free wedding thats their decision, but they have to be prepared that not everyone with children will be able to make it, especially with a newborn who may be breastfed. You really have to be tough, that would really get my back up, and tell them straight that if they really wanted you there, they would compromise, especially as you will have a newborn and not an older baby or child. Bride and groomzilla spring to mind here.

pigletmania · 25/01/2012 07:45

Please don't feel guilty about not going, when they have children they will realise what idiots they are being. Your responsibility is towards your baby, and there is noway that I would leave a newborn six hours away and post where I could not get to them quickly in an emergency, and you will be post c section too, are they mad!

ithaka · 25/01/2012 07:46

I didn't go to SIL wedding (8 hours drive away) when my 3rd was a week old. Everyone in my DH's family got the right hump about it and you know what? Me and DH didn't give a rooty toot toot.

That was years ago now, it is all forgotten and friends again. SIL has kids of her own and would be mortified if I ever bought it up. But I am kind, so I don't.

AThingInYourLife · 25/01/2012 07:52

LOL at a newborn baby being "competition" for the bride and groom :o

Really, if that bothers you, you are too immature to be getting married.

GypsyMoth · 25/01/2012 07:56

Op not been back to this??

StewieGriffinsMom · 25/01/2012 08:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AThingInYourLife · 25/01/2012 08:03

Oh, and it is strongly advised not to give bottles at 10 days if you are trying to breastfeed.

It's not even about whether a baby of that age will take a bottle - they probably will, as they as so small (and so hungry and so bewildered about the lack of mother). But it will have a damaging impact on breastfeeding.

Doing it for over 24 hours at 10 days could mean the end if breatfeeding that baby if they won't latch on afterwards. No wedding is worth that.

Also is will be formula, not breastmilk (where would you get the breastmilk for this undertaking?) which lots of parents would not choose for such a tiny baby.

Chubfuddler · 25/01/2012 08:04

I had a fantastic Elcs from which I had made a great recovery, but at 10 days I was still injecting clexane in my abdomen, wearing support stockings and dd was on thd verge of being re admitted to hospital because of her weight loss.

Your sil is a complete twat. So is your brother for pandering to get.

EauDeLaPoisson · 25/01/2012 08:04

Just wondering...how long has your DB and SIL to be been planning their wedding? Could they feel you have spoiled it so to speak by planning a baby so near to their very special occassion? Still totally unreasonable but a train of thought I could understand somewhat

pigletmania · 25/01/2012 08:05

Well babies sometimes come at funny times, you cannot always plan them.

pigletmania · 25/01/2012 08:06

Either way there is no excuse for this bride/groomzilla behaviour.

Chubfuddler · 25/01/2012 08:09

Only a halfwit would think you can order a baby like KFC though.

FaithHopeAndKevin · 25/01/2012 08:09

It won't even be a six hour journey - once you have factored in stops for:

  1. Changing the baby. It will poo a lot. And it will go everywhere because of the nature of 10 day old poo, and it will take both of you to do a nappy change and you will also need to change all of the baby's clothes, because that's what you do with a pfb.
  2. Changing you. You will be leaking from your fanjo, your boobs and possibly your scar.
  3. The baby will need feeding. This could take upwards of an hour.
  4. The baby will need winding. This could take upwards of an hour.
  5. The baby will cry and you won't know why.
  6. You will cry and you won't know why.
  7. DH will cry and it will be because of points 1-7.

You won't be able to leave the baby behind because you'll get 30 minutes down the road and be in bits.

Your midwife will say something like "I'll be round at the weekend" and you won't know if that's Saturday morning or Sunday afternoon and she won't be able to narrow it down because she's on call for HB and covering sickness and has 10 PN visits to fit in which could all take 10 minutes each or 2 hours each.

The best scenario would be you and DH and baby going together, slowly, with a night in a hotel either side and you keeping baby in a hotel room with you and DH swapping turns to look after - but that's just won't work TEN DAYS after birth. How are you even going to have the seatbelt over your tummy/boobs?

Molehillmountain · 25/01/2012 08:13

Given that after dc 3 I had not left the house ten days post birth, yanbu. These arguments always end with two options-either they make an exception for you, or accept its not possible. Put some weight behind it by asking the midwife about it!

LoveInAColdClimate · 25/01/2012 08:14

Of course YANBU. Your DB and his fiancé sound frankly insane if they think for a moment this may be possible. I don't even think not having children is an excuse - I haven't had a baby yet (expecting my first in March) but I would always have understood that there is absolutely no way you could leave a 10 day old baby. Bridezilla and Groomzilla have lost the plot.

Northernlurker · 25/01/2012 08:15

They expect you to leave a 10 day old baby for a whole day. They are out of their minds. Tell them so.

birdofthenorth · 25/01/2012 08:16

Your SIL-to-be and DBro are being outrageous!! Don't they want to meet their niece or nephew? Why on earth would be presence of a ten day old family member be a problem?

From personal experience, the 10 day point was critical in the breatfeeding curve- DD had a growth spurt & needed to feed 50% of the time.

Also, who on earth would you leave your baby with, when all your relatives are at the wedding? There's no way I'd kook after anyone's ten day old for hours- wasaaay too much responsibilty.

Show your SIL this thread. She hasn't had a baby yet and does not get it, at all.

pigletmania · 25/01/2012 08:19

Its a 6 hour drive so will probably be overnight as well, stupid stupid people

BeautifulBlondePineapple · 25/01/2012 08:22

I had a child free wedding, however I would have definitely made an exception for any of mine or DH's siblings & partners if they had a 10 day old baby post section (if they deigned to make the trip at all!)

YADNBU.

TubbyDuffs · 25/01/2012 08:25

If they have children one day, they will realise what an absolute pair of twunts they were to expect this of you.

ArseWormsWithoutSatNav · 25/01/2012 08:27

Wow. Just... Wow.

They sound selfish to the extreme.

Have your parents or other relatives anything to say about this?

CoffeeDog · 25/01/2012 08:27

10 day old baby c section .... you will be leaking from everywhere take baby with you... sling it if you can/want to... helps hide the milk leakage ;)
I cant beliebe they will not allow their OWN niece/nephew at the wedding.

We did it differently :) - church had a playroom for the kids that got board.... we had a seperate room next to the main hall at reception.... which held a bouncy castle and a variety of board games /cards /coloring books etc... staffed by a team of local students (neighbours and her friends ;) I am one of the youngest of around 40 cousins....big family there were alot of kids. Adults had time off kids were having fun catching up with all their cousins everyone was happy!

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