Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DBro's wedding and 'no children' rule ?

582 replies

TippleMacFreddy · 24/01/2012 23:22

It is very possible that I am being unreasonable. But.....

My eldest brother is getting married, big lavish do, the whole shebang.

His fiancée is alright and I am close to my brother.

The weekend of the wedding me and DH will have a 10 day old DC1. ( I have to have a C-sec)
The wedding is near DBro fiancée's home town which is about 6 hours from where we live.
If it was anyone else we would have made our apologies.
But I am close to my brother and he asked if I would do a reading at ceremony. So we had decided to go.

They had decided that there would be no children invited to the wedding (at night, very big but a very 'grown up')
Me and DBro have had many a long chats about the wedding and such. And I always assumed that the 'no kids' rule didn't include our DC (esp. as me and DBro have talked about how if it wasn't him we wouldn't go)

Anyway we were talking today and it transpired that DC will count in this rule.

I got back to them later saying that unfortunately that means we can't go and explained why.

My DBro is upset.

Tonight I have received an email from his fiancée and 2 texts saying - that I could leave DC behind, that they will be fine, that I should 'put the effort in' as it is their wedding, and he is my brother, that I should be there.

AIBU to think that if they want me there that badly then they will have to accept that DC will be there as well?
And also
AIBU to think that those messages are just plain childish?

OP posts:
Irishchic · 25/01/2012 21:40

Yes i agree dippy - even if you had a dream vaginal delivery,a six hour journey with a newborn would be an ordeal.

A six hour journey after having your a section, by the time you get off that train or out of that car, you will be so sore you will be unable to walk without being bent over. You will probably manage to get to your destination, then have to take to your bed with industrial amounts of solpadol, and stay there for the duration of the wedding.

NellieForbush · 25/01/2012 21:53

I had an 'easy' birth but still wouldn't have contemplated this journey. Sitting was painful. I was also relying heavily on midwife visits to help establish bf with a baby that was losing weight (not uncommon).

Your SIL's texts are awful. One day she will be so embarassed about them.

Carpediem2007 · 25/01/2012 22:34

The simple answer is that you will not be fit to travel so cannot accept the invitation.
Maybe your doctor or midwife can make that decision or at least recommend that you do not commit to this long journey so soon after the elective c-section?

I would politely and firmly let your brother know that you are so sorry but do not want to let them down at the last minute: you will not be medically fit to travel so soon after the surgery and you want them to have plenty of time to make alternative arrangements for the reading / table sitting plan etc. and if they insist, enrol another person to explain that putting pressure on your while you are pregnant and so sorry about not going is really not appropriate (and frankly irresponsible ad selfish from them).

(you don't even have to try and make them understand how compromising it would be for your newborn, breastfeeding, establishing feeding, bonding, special first few days with a newborn, recovery from pregnancy/ birth/exhausting first few days).

It is major surgery and it hurts and sitting in a car so soon after would be hell, no matter how lovely the wedding is at the end of your car journey. You will need to rest, even before you consider sitting in a car for 6 hours.

JugglingWithSnowballs · 25/01/2012 22:37

Dearest Tipple,

Consider taking some advice from the wise old crones on Mumsnet (that'll be me for one) who've been through it all, loved it, but know what it's going to be like. ( Or what ball park we're playing in ! )

And gently prepare both yourself, DH, and your DBro & STBSIL for the reality that due to the circumstances surrounding this, and the clash of these two happy events in your family it's very unlikely that you're going to be able to be there.

Perhaps you can make plans for DBro (and his wife) to see his new niece or nephew at the earliest opportunity after the wedding - you can then offer them your warm congratulations, and give them a better idea too of what family life really involves Grin

dandelionss · 25/01/2012 22:47

The only way I could see it happening is if you all go and stay in or very close to the venue..Your DH look after the kids whilst you attend the ceremony and part of the reception, popping back for feeds every so often

I personally wouldn't want to travel that far so soon post-op, and YANBU to not want to do that.But your OP isn't about that, it's about the no-children rule .

warthog · 25/01/2012 22:58

wtaf????

yanbu

don't go. ridiculous to even think it.

MrsDobalina · 25/01/2012 23:00

Sorry haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to say I think you were very brave to consider going when you thought you would be able to take your DC. We considered doing a wedding with 3 week old DS (who was invited!) but in the end I was glad we said no as I could barely take a shower or get out of bed for 3 weeks after my EMCS it was so painful, plus DS seemed to spend 24 hours a day attached to my boob and I was rubbish at expressing. I'm not in any way suggesting you will be the same, just a worse case scenario!

It does make me mad though - of course it's not at all unreasonable to have a child free wedding, just extremely unreasonable to be upset and try and guilt trip you when you politely decline to come because of it. Angry on your behalf OP!

Clickety45 · 25/01/2012 23:04

Quite frankly , kids are very annoying to many people particularly if they have no kids themselves...and while it seems a bit selfish, it is after all "their day" and you will need to work round it as best you can.....you can always use this as ammunition against them at a later date....to emphasise how great you are as a sister...well worth it!

JugglingWithSnowballs · 25/01/2012 23:05

Just as a sideline MrsD I actually think it is unreasonable to have a child free wedding. Why would you want to do that ?

pigletmania · 25/01/2012 23:07

clickety with a newborn you can't. They need to be with their parents, and the op said she will be bf so will need to be with her. The bride/groomzilla wants a childfree wedding but they have to realise that some people especially those with young children will not be able to go. They want to have their cake and eat it. They want op there and are making her feel very guilty with their selfish behaviour, yet her brother is not doing anything to help or accommodate her. The baby is just over a week old fgs what harm can he/she do.

igetcrazytoo · 25/01/2012 23:11

It seem that most people agree that YANBU - but you still have your SIL to deal with. Do you have other relatives that could explain to her that leaving a 10 day old baby for more than a couple of hours at most is not possible. Usually the no children rule does NOT include babies.

Tell them that you cannot commit to leaving your baby behind until the birth and you know exactly how you will be feeling after a c-section and how the baby is doing.

I'm a forces wife and I was expected to be very "can do" when I had my baby and I ended up carting my baby around. Looking back, I regret being so f**ing accommodating.

This gives time for your SIL to come around.You just don't know how you'll be feeling - so why don't you accept for the time being say you - then cry off at la

This way you do what right

Clickety45 · 25/01/2012 23:13

Pigletmania... can she not just turn up anyway with the baby...they won't throw her out once she is there surely?! Alternatively she could turn up in her fancy gear with breast milk leakage coming through to pile on the guilt!!

elinorbellowed · 25/01/2012 23:16

My first outing after my first c-section was for dinner at my aunty. It was about day 9. Two minutes walk away and it took me 15 because I had to stop soon often. The wound and everything! It's tough. And I had DP to push baby and my mum to hold my arm. I stayed 2 hours and breastfed twice in that time. And stayed in bed the whole of the next morning.
If you had your spleen/appendix removed then no-one would be expecting you to put on your party dress 10 days later. And don't get me started on child-free weddings. You might just cope with this event with a lovely hotel and your baby with you. Not if you have to leave the baby with someone else.

Clickety45 · 25/01/2012 23:19

the problem is people with babies are undergoing a very traumatic/life changing experience that not everyone else is understanding/going through...also having a spleen removed is hardly akin to having a beautiful bouncing baby! You would have been put to sleep and have had far more sympathy and pain relief!

pigletmania · 25/01/2012 23:23

I would not go if I was in the op position and would tell bride/groomzilla in no uncertain terms. The baby is a newborn and will possibly feed breast or bottle little and often, plus the traumatic abdominal surgery that op will be recovering from.

Clickety45 · 25/01/2012 23:26

I would just like to say, on a more important note, that i have cut my hand on opening a screw top bottle on an M and S wine(Times recommended!)....will I be in line for compensation do you think?!

skybluepearl · 25/01/2012 23:29

you are bending over backwards planning to do a 6 hour journey after a C-section. there is no way you can leave a new born - what planet are they on?! imagine they wont realise how unreasonable they have been until they have thier own kids.

you need to text her ... 'I desperatly would like to be there for brother but first and formost my new born babys needs have to come first. Please also remember that i will be traveling 6 hours after major abdominal surgery and will be in recovery after the birth - I am making a real effort and so ask that you meet me half way with this. I know it's difficult for you to understand at the moment but in the future you will'

can you send a link to this post?

MrsDobalina · 25/01/2012 23:30

juggling Grin yes you are probably right. But even though I've lost a friend this year by not going to her child free wedding, I guess it's a nod to how I had no understanding of even the basics of what life is like with children before I had my own Blush

KatAndKit · 25/01/2012 23:34

Just don't go. Say you won't be able to make it. Then you can stop worrying about it and look forward to staying in your pjs enjoying your brand new baby.
I would expect the medical advice would be to not even attempt this journey 10 days post op even with the baby. So say you won't be able to go. If it turns out that you are fine to go (baby comes early, you recover quickly) then surely you can turn up and they can make a bit of room for you?

Even them meeting you halfway does not sound like a sensible plan in my opinion. Get medical advice on this and then follow it.

skybluepearl · 25/01/2012 23:38

also mention you are planning to breast feed in the text and say you will need to have baby with you to get your supply up

skybluepearl · 25/01/2012 23:39

great idea - get the MW to air her view to you and you can just pass it on to SIL and B

HereIGo · 25/01/2012 23:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZenNudist · 25/01/2012 23:41

OP, after such overwhelming agreement that YANBU (+ a few nutjobs against you) you have to let us know if they can be persuaded to invite you with your newborn.

In your shoes I wouldn't be well enough to go tho'!

Bogeyface · 26/01/2012 00:33

A thought has occurred.

Lets say that you do go. DH spends the day in the room with the baby with you "popping up" every 2 hours to feed, you do the reading (looking pale and a bit wobbly) blah blah

At some point you will become the "person that ruined our wedding" because all the other rellies will be asking where the baby is, and hassling the DB and SIL2B to let you bring him/her down. So they will give in and you will bring the baby down and it will steal their thunder. Or they wont give in and they will be criticised by Great Auntie so and so and other rellies, therefore making them look bad.

Either way, it will all your fault

Not going is the only way to save yourself from that!

perfectstorm · 26/01/2012 03:26

Email the link to this thread. And on that note:

Dear Bride and Bridegroom,

I appreciate weddings make people crazy, and they think they're princesses and the world should be as excited as they are. New mums often get that way, too. But see, I had a simple vaginal birth, and was STILL told not to go out and do much for a week, as your innards don't like it (stitches especially don't). The situation here is a lot more serious - you're talking major surgery, followed by caring for a newborn. You're damn lucky she was willing to ignore stern medical advice at all, and attend. And now you want her to neglect her baby for you? What planet do you reside upon? And is cellular division the reproductive norm there?

Newborns eat every two hours. They only really want their mums. They NEED their mums. You cannot express for a baby that age, and if parted from a newborn for 24 hours, milk supply can dwindle. (Alternatively, your boobs can leak non-stop, or your boobs can go rock solid and give you mastitis from blocked ducts. Motherhood is endless glamour, you see.)

A newborn baby needs their mother.

If this interferes with your wedding, you have three choices:

  1. Postpone the wedding
  2. Allow the mother to bring her newborn, and be grateful she is dragging her shell-shocked, cut-open, exhausted self there for you
  3. Accept that a newborn has a bigger claim on its mother than your emulation of Katie Price.

I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt and assume you didn't know any of the excellent points so many mothers on this thread have made. But now you do, I think flowers to the lady in question, and perhaps a warm statement that you'd love to see her and the bub if she's up to it, but will toast her good health instead if she isn't, would be nice.

Lots of love, Mumsnet.