About DBro's wedding and 'no children' rule ?

[TippleMacFreddy]

It is very possible that I am being unreasonable. But.....

My eldest brother is getting married, big lavish do, the whole shebang.

His fiancée is alright and I am close to my brother.

The weekend of the wedding me and DH will have a 10 day old DC1. ( I have to have a C-sec)
The wedding is near DBro fiancée's home town which is about 6 hours from where we live.
If it was anyone else we would have made our apologies.
But I am close to my brother and he asked if I would do a reading at ceremony. So we had decided to go.

They had decided that there would be no children invited to the wedding (at night, very big but a very 'grown up')
Me and DBro have had many a long chats about the wedding and such. And I always assumed that the 'no kids' rule didn't include our DC (esp. as me and DBro have talked about how if it wasn't him we wouldn't go)

Anyway we were talking today and it transpired that DC will count in this rule.

I got back to them later saying that unfortunately that means we can't go and explained why.

My DBro is upset.

Tonight I have received an email from his fiancée and 2 texts saying - that I could leave DC behind, that they will be fine, that I should 'put the effort in' as it is their wedding, and he is my brother, that I should be there.

AIBU to think that if they want me there that badly then they will have to accept that DC will be there as well?
And also
AIBU to think that those messages are just plain childish?

I am ashamed to say that we had a no-child rule at our wedding. I just did not understand how difficult it can be; this included friends who had 6 week old twins [bsad]
Fortunately as the reception was in a hotel, they booked a room and grandmother came to look after twins but two children of my own later, I still feel very, very guilty.

I haven't read all the previous 16 pages, so apologies if this point has been made:

OP is presumably going to have an ELCS, so the recovery will almost certainly be much simpler than that of eg the poster above who had an EMCS after 4 days labour. Don't underestimate the advantage of starting off life with a newborn with a full sleep load - I'm sure that a 2am EMCS after 24 hours labour got DH, DD and I off to a terrible start.

That being the case, the train-hotel-DH babysits during the service solution may well be possible with a bit of luck.

lol sgb.

yes dilys, that's what i had. absolute doddle, no probs whatsoever, private room, preemie baby with me, cs recovery absolutely awesome.

but i really couldn't have sat in a car or train for 6 hours ten days after, i know for a fact. it was veh veh uncomfortable sitting in a car for fifteen mins going home from hosp on day 10...

Agree with your conclusion Dilys ( That being the case etc. )
Well put (IMHO)

Though reading other posters I'd also agree there's a lot to be said for the no-go option ....

... And the polite but firm apology.

If you did say yes at this stage (with baby) it would have to be a provisional acceptance, considering you are about to have a baby, which will be 10 days old on day of wedding !

Ahhh - wouldn't you rather just be cosied up with him/her on the sofa at home ?

I've had two sections, and had infections both times just to add to the joy.

I think you were being very kind to agree to do such a long drive and big event 10 days post op in the first place. I wouldn't have been up to it (still dosed to eyeballs on strong painkillers and struggling with feeding).

I can't believe they expect you to do that, and leave such a new baby. YANBU.

I think If the op told her midwife that she plans to attend a wedding a six hour drive away from home ten days pp after a cs the midwife would fall about laughing. And then tell her not to do it.

Run it past your midwife op, seriously.

I was still in hospital at 10 days post CS.
You'd be great just to make it. Without your baby? No way!

I think those who have had VB do have a relevance Aitch.

I have had all mine with VB and there is no way on Gods green earth I would have contemplated a 6 hour journey with newborn, wedding, then back at 10 days.

If women who have had an easy VB and recovery wouldnt do it then surely it compounds the argument that the OP shouldnt do it after CS?!

I had an (unwanted) 'E'CS but (hadn't mentioned my horrible PN experience before but I'm going to now - have had a glass of ) I had an infection in my scar and a hernia. Topped with such bad SPD that I actually couldn't walk without agony. I was absolutely off my tits on painkillers and I had to bite on a silicone dummy every time DS breastfed because my nipples were so mashed.

Ten days after birth, I was just about crawling to a shower. I couldn't stand enough to make a cup of tea. Anyone suggesting a 12+ hr return car journey would have got a hollow laugh (and a tepid cup of tea in their face).

I appreciate my condition was fairly extreme but you're not going to know until it happens!

Yes, I do wonder if OP is contemplating it at all purely because it is her first.

Having no knowledge of birth and babies is certainly why DBro and STBSIL are suggesting it without bringing baby

I haven't read the whole thread, but no you are not being unreasonable.

As you said if it was anyone else you wouldn't go. He is entitled to say no children, you can then say you can't go, and if they insist they want you there then totally reasonable to say your baby has to come with.

TBH if was me I'd offer a compromise where they find an experienced babysitter who can push the pram around the venue (but out of the hall etc) might be helpful if the baby finds it hard to settle, but ultimately at 10 days post c section your brother and fiance are being totally unreasonable.

Actually I think going at all might be unreasonable due to the travelling involved.

you might have contemplated it if the wedding was that of your only sibling who had raised you like a father, though...

look, recovery after a elcs is surprisingly easy, so it's just possible that the OP might be able to pull this off if she is determined and doesn't care so much about cracking bfing and doesn't mind that it'll make her long-term recovery that much harder. if everything goes perfectly, that is. but she has to make her db realise that even if he does deign to let the baby come, there is every chance that she'll have to cancel anyway.

Just had a thought - you may still be under the Midwife's care on day 10. I had a pretty straightforward VB and I wasn't discharged by the MW until 2 weeks after DD was born as she hadn't regained her birth weight by day 10 (she was 1/2 oz under!).

My friend had a CS, admittedly hers was unplanned but she was still in hospital on day 10, due to issues with her baby's weight gain (baby is absolutely fine now and thriving happily).
And my ex-SIL had a horrendous recovery after her planned CS (however thankfully the horrendous maternity unit she had it as has closed).

12 hours in a car 10 days after surgery is bad enough, but who leaves a 10 day old baby?

Are you fucking kidding me?

No... seriously ... are you fucking KIDDING ME?!

Bollocks to them. Selfish entitled twats.

I think there are a few issues here

• There's the issue about whether the baby is invited

• There's the issue about how to manage the baby if he/she does come

• And there's the issue about how your SIL has behaved in response to this.

Sending you 2 texts and an email all in one night to put pressure on you about this is BVU. As your DB was your legal guardian when you were 13, he must be at least 5 years older than you. Assuming you are at least 20 yourself, then he must be old enough to at least know a few people with babies.

Even if I was considering going, the way they've behaved would give me pause for thought. Fair enough they want you to come, but they're not pleading politely are they? They're not offering to help pay for a babysitter or find a rota of friends to hold the baby or - heaven forbid - invite the poor bairn. They're just telling you the baby will be fine and you should 'put the effort in'. Poor show.

I could barely cope with a 15 min drive to a restaurant and a meal out when DD was 10 days old. I had a straightforward VB but was still utterly knackered, sore and struggling to get to grips with BF/ just having a new born.

PLEASE do not put yourself through that journey, and dont think for one minute that your brother and his fiancée have any right at all to ask you to be apart from your 10 day old baby. They are being utterly, utterly selfish and unreasonable. I wa clueless before having DD, but I would like to think that I would have known that a tiny baby needs to be with it's mother as much as possible.

It actually makes me feel quite upset that someone would be making this demand of a new mother. I want to protect you! (In a nice, motherly way, not creepy!)

Just wanted to add my "YANBU" to this mammoth thread. You will not want to travel so far so soon after after a CS, and even if you could manage it, you would definitely not want to leave your fabulous new baby behind.

I really don't understand why people have these "no children" weddings. How utterly selfish, and how entirely boring. Your DB's fiancee was out of line sending you those messages, too. Please will you bombard her with guilt-inducing missives when she's heavily pregnant? Oh, but you probably won't, because YOU'RE CAPABLE OF EMPATHY.

Everyone is different- you don;t know how you will be until the time. I would have been ok after all three of my Sections but i have been lucky, i am a quick recoverer, feeding all fine and only a few days bleeding too.
No way would i have left the house without my baby though at day 10 let alone to go all that way! And they would be very wrong to be relying on you for readings etc becuase you just don;t know how you will be and no way would i have told my midwife what i was planning she'd have gone bananas
Can't you provisionally accept on the basis that you will see how you are?

TBH from their texts etc i'd be tempted to say stuff them and have the day on the sofa though!

I'm a midwife and I STRONGLY advise you not to go.

You are undergoing major abdominal surgery - you should not be at an all day 'party' ten days postoperatively. Even if you do feel ok (which is extreemly unlikely) - all your energy at this stage should be directed into resting and healing. You don't want to put yourself at risk of wound/uterine infections.

Also - at the moment you won't know how you'll feel about your new little baby. Our maternal insticts kick in, our hormones are flying about and you'll have trouble leaving the baby just to go to the corner shop.

Have a chat with your own midwife - she'll prob say the same and let you sil know that you'll be too ill to attend.

Your poor sil hasn't got a clue but she will one day and apologise profusely.

Should just clarify that although I said that the OP may well be up to a low-stress train version of the trip if she really wants to go, of course that does not mean that she would be unreasonable to refuse to go, or to change her mind nearer the time if she doesn't actually feel up to it.

Agree with Reesie. I had 3 natural births and then 2 elective sections. I cannot believe how painful it was even ten days after just doing the normal stuff of getting up and showered, and looking after my babies..that took all my strength. I remember one day, about a ten days after my section when I decided I should get some fresh air an exercise. I walked to the end of the road, and just turned around and went straight back home as just that small effort completely exhausted me. You would never in a million years be able to manage a whole day on the go, no matter how well your section and recovery are going, you will still be stiff sore and exhausted after doing not very much.
Added to that, a ten day old baby should not be exposed to a large crowd like that at a wedding, as his or her little immune system is nowhere near fully developed and he/she should spend the first weeks close to home, close to mum and not exposed to more germs than are strictly necessary.

Dont do it. Your db may be very annoyed and disappointed, but one day he will understand, and if he doesnt, quite frankly you and your baby are more important than making his big day out.

I had normal vaginal deliveries and formula fed, there is still no way in hell I would have considered doing this journey. You just don't leave a baby so little - you won't want to and you won't feel up to it. They will realise in time that they have been utterly unreasonable.