About DBro's wedding and 'no children' rule ?

[TippleMacFreddy]

It is very possible that I am being unreasonable. But.....

My eldest brother is getting married, big lavish do, the whole shebang.

His fiancée is alright and I am close to my brother.

The weekend of the wedding me and DH will have a 10 day old DC1. ( I have to have a C-sec)
The wedding is near DBro fiancée's home town which is about 6 hours from where we live.
If it was anyone else we would have made our apologies.
But I am close to my brother and he asked if I would do a reading at ceremony. So we had decided to go.

They had decided that there would be no children invited to the wedding (at night, very big but a very 'grown up')
Me and DBro have had many a long chats about the wedding and such. And I always assumed that the 'no kids' rule didn't include our DC (esp. as me and DBro have talked about how if it wasn't him we wouldn't go)

Anyway we were talking today and it transpired that DC will count in this rule.

I got back to them later saying that unfortunately that means we can't go and explained why.

My DBro is upset.

Tonight I have received an email from his fiancée and 2 texts saying - that I could leave DC behind, that they will be fine, that I should 'put the effort in' as it is their wedding, and he is my brother, that I should be there.

AIBU to think that if they want me there that badly then they will have to accept that DC will be there as well?
And also
AIBU to think that those messages are just plain childish?

I still think people are giving horror stories. Stop scaring the poor girl. It really might not be that bad! Accepting that I can't comment on CS recovery issues, at 10 days pp I was fine, breast feeding was fine, I didn't leak, felt fine feeding in public, I managed my lochia fine whilst camping and was generally happy, enjoying my baby and all he did was sleep feed and need changing.

I may be the 1 in a million exception, but somehow I don't think so. There is a chance you'll be ok. Maybe not 100% but with motivation, planning and positivity you could do it if you really needed to.

I don't think leaving the baby at home and going alone is compatible to breast feeding success though.

I can see how you being your brother's only living relative would complicate issues. So if you decide you definately need to be there, then in the event that you and the baby are in good health and there's no complications, then your plan of first class on train, hotel and your DH looking after the baby at the hotel during the wedding could work. DH looking after baby for an hour or so whilst you do your reading, then you going back to feed and rest and then returning for an hour or sowhile etc would work. Wouldn't be much fun for your DH, and difficult/iring/ hassle for you. But it depends on how much you need to be there.

But you should only try and do it if YOU really need/want to. Not because they've guilt tripped you into it. I think it's wrong of them to expect it of you, they must have I idea what is involved. You'd be making an effort and compromising fir them by taking the baby with you, so they could atleast compromise and let you bring him/her. And it's not really something you can plan in advance. They'd need to know that you couldn't say whether you'd definitely be there unti you were on the train.

Hope you get it sorted. Such a shame for you siblings when two happy events I your lives occur simultaneously, making it difficult for you to share them. I think you should approach it with your DB from this angle, understanding that the situation brings challenges for both of you, and show a desire to compromise. Hopefully he then will .

i can't think of a more unreasonable scenario. Your db and fiance Know Nothing.

ditziness - does the fact that most of us didn't have your experience show that you are probably the exception rather than the rule? :o They aren't horror stories, they're just other people's experiences!

Ps- not wanting to question anyone 's experience atall. You totally might be exactly as everyone suggests and it may not be possible or desirable atall! Not possible to know or predict before hand though.

Fair enough patti, I'm very fortunate and have no desire to belittle others experiences. OP, I'm sure you'll draw your own conclusions from the fact that I'm almost the only person on the thread who thinks that post natally you might be ok. But just wanted to be the lone voice saying that because it's felt very one sided. Maybe because the majority of people have a very difficult time :-( Personally before I had my ds I was terrified by all the stores people come out with, really thought it would be awful. It wasn't! Yes it was tiring, emotional, difficult, painful and inconvenient, but it was OK.

Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you shouldn't post :)

(and I haven't talked at all about my PN experiences because they were unusually bad :o)

YaNbu and posters telling you to express ABU as best advice is exclusive breast for first 6 weeks to avoid nipple confusion. Your dc comes before your sibling

YANBU

All the issues mentioned about feeding etc will feel quite minor compared to the fact that you simply won't want to leave your baby.

Nothing can prepare you for the overwhelming need to be close to your baby at all times, and the prospect of leaving your DC overnight will fill you with sheer horror. I doubt you could actually bring yourself to do it.

As for travelling, with or without baby, there are clear health risks to you in undertaking such a journey. Your baby will need you fit and healthy if at all possible. To jepodise your health when you have a little baby totally dependent on you would be irresponsible.

Trust me, you will be much happier snuggled up at home with your little one than you would trying to get through a wedding without collapsing or cracking up.

10 days post dd I was ok, but I didn't have a cs. However anyone who thought I would be leaving my 10 day old baby they could fuck right off. How utterly selfish of them.

Ditziness - i don't think these are horror stories, people aren't sayin "you will feel shit" full stop. They are saying you are much more likely to feel shit if you attempt to embark on this long journey.

Also, with regards to how you felt, you say you have no experience of CS so I really think your recoverey is probably not relevant (sorry, don't mean to be rude). I had a perfect vaginal delivery for one of mine and felt a million bucks after, but you can't compare that to abdominal surgery, it's not in the same league. I thiknk people that have had CS are in a better positon to comment on her personal recovery.

I understand you don't want her to be terrified, but she does need to be realistic. It's a difficult balance to strike I suppose.

YADNU

I think

1. Tipple is being VVVVVVR. She is the most reasonable person on the planet. By the way 6 hours is way too long for for a baby to be in a car seat.
2. DB and DSIL have been VVVVVVVVVUR. Selfish fuckers. They entitled to have their child free wedding, but they are not entitled to give the OP a hard time because she can't attend due to major abdominal surgery and a 10 day old baby.
3. Maypole = Katie "fugly baby hating cowbag" Hopkins.
4. Somedayma - you will be an amazing Midwife - you've got MN to keep you reet ;)

what a selfish pair, of couirse you cant go and leave your tiny and why would you want to? and 10 days after major surgery younwill be knackered..

lets hope they get their own kids from hell one day and serve them right.

dont let them get you down , shes a silly stupid bitch..

Personally I felt fine 10 days after each of my births. I would probably have enjoyed going to a wedding. However I wouldn't have left my babies for any longer than a couple of hours. In fact I still won't go to a childfree wedding if it involves an overnight stay, and my youngest is 11, because I don't have anyone to look after them.
Really your own children come 1st, and that's all there is to it as far as I'm concerned.

YANBU. I had cs under general anaesthetic after a 4 day labour and was in hospital for 4 days following and then spent most of the next few weeks at home with either one or both of my boobs out most of the time establishing bfeeding! A picture of me and DH (with my boobs decently covered!) when DS was about 7 days old makes us both look as if we've been clubbed over the head so definitely not the time for us to have our gladrags on and be permanently captured looking like that on someone's special day! I totally understand why you would want to be there if you can to be with DB but baby should be with you then and DB/SIL should understand that and also be understanding of why you might not be able to be there.

Just a word of advice from my own experience though - I didn't have any major problems with my cs recovery just the usual lot of soreness and aches and pains but no infections etc but at day 10 I was still having daily visits from the midwife for my jabs, to monitor baby's feeding difficulties and also to monitor my high BP. I also had v heavy bleeding for about 4 weeks plus after the birth.

Forgot to say that although I felt well there is no way I would have been up to a 6 hour journey post section. There would also have been no way on earth that I would have been separated from DS at 10 days old either! It was enough of a wrench to let other people hold him for more than 10 minutes!

Over the years, I have seen many posts like somedayma's initial post. However, I have never seen anyone then go on to gracefully accept new information, and retract their initial statement, as she did! I am exceedingly impressed.

I really thought the subsequent pages would consist of attacks and counter-attacks.

Someday, if you keep that willingness to learn, and listen to new information, I expect you'll be great at whatever you want to do, including midwifery. It's a great virtue, that many don't have.

My niece was 10 days old at my wedding although not a CS birth. I would never have dreamed of not inviting her. SIL quite happily bf at ceremony and meal and probably at eve do (too squiffy to notice by that point). We have a beautiful photo in our wedding album of me and DH cradling her.

Precious times, soon gone. Your dbro is being an arse imo. Weddings should be about family and that should extend to your DC.

A friend of ours & not even a best one at that relaxed the no children rule as I was breastfeeding. Surely they would rather have you there plus baby than not- if not they are being very precious!!!

Even if they turn around and say you can bring the baby - how the feck are you going to get there?

I agree with all who say it is unrealistic to go either with a newborn or without. I had a emcs and was kept in for 5 days so you could only be at home with your baby for 5 days before having to do a 12 hour round trip! I think a polite but firm apology and you can celebrate with them when you have recovered. Good luck.

Assuming you achieve the impossible snd manage to express enough for two days in your first 10 days of motherhood - is your SIL OK with you being hooked up to an expresser, pretty much the entire duration of the wedding, so ensure:

• you don't engorge
• get mastitis
• your supply is harmed by the prolonged break during such a crucial time in the establishment of breastfeeding?

Get her to approve this, and see if suddenly a tiny baby isn't a better option.

In any case, such a prolonged absence from your baby will pretty much ensure breastfeeding fails.

no offence to those who've had VBs, but their post-birth recovery experience is wholly irrelevant. the OP is having a CS, which even if (as in my experience) it all goes beautifully and calmly and with no wound infection etc etc is still going to be tough going if it includes a 6 hour journey there and back plus a wedding. and that's if DB and Dsil stop being nob-ends and let her bring the baby. (which would at a stroke increase that 6 hour journey to an 8 hour one to include feeds).

It is totally out of the question to leave baby behind and quite possible you won't be up to going at all, let alone doing a reading. Ask them to be flexible and have a plan b, but in NO WAY can you be expected to leave dc 1 at home. One solution is to take a willing babysitter/ grandparent with you to look after baby between feeds, but you should think about yourself and baby on this occasion.