About DBro's wedding and 'no children' rule ?

[TippleMacFreddy]

It is very possible that I am being unreasonable. But.....

My eldest brother is getting married, big lavish do, the whole shebang.

His fiancée is alright and I am close to my brother.

The weekend of the wedding me and DH will have a 10 day old DC1. ( I have to have a C-sec)
The wedding is near DBro fiancée's home town which is about 6 hours from where we live.
If it was anyone else we would have made our apologies.
But I am close to my brother and he asked if I would do a reading at ceremony. So we had decided to go.

They had decided that there would be no children invited to the wedding (at night, very big but a very 'grown up')
Me and DBro have had many a long chats about the wedding and such. And I always assumed that the 'no kids' rule didn't include our DC (esp. as me and DBro have talked about how if it wasn't him we wouldn't go)

Anyway we were talking today and it transpired that DC will count in this rule.

I got back to them later saying that unfortunately that means we can't go and explained why.

My DBro is upset.

Tonight I have received an email from his fiancée and 2 texts saying - that I could leave DC behind, that they will be fine, that I should 'put the effort in' as it is their wedding, and he is my brother, that I should be there.

AIBU to think that if they want me there that badly then they will have to accept that DC will be there as well?
And also
AIBU to think that those messages are just plain childish?

wow - just realised your baby will only be 10 days old and its a 6 hour journey...of course you can't go without the baby, and maybe can't go at all

I think it would be better to decline now, rather than stress yourself out trying to do it afterwards because you said you would. I was still in hospital 10 days post birth!

Everyone here with children has told you it's a mad idea, honestly it really is. I think if you do attempt it you will really regret it and probably end up feeling quite bitter towards your DB/SIL and husband (not saying it's his fault but it's inevitable it'll cause you to row if you're like anyone else).

We have a 20 month old and I estimate a 6 hour journey would take at least 9 hours. With a newborn, after a CS it will take at least 12 hours. Feeds can take an hour (and happen every 30 mins), they poo at every feed and it goes everywhere, and for me the lochia was ridiculous (plus I had two infections).

I can see why you want to go, but it's only a wedding - a glorified party really.

Given what you've said about you being DBro's only living relative I think your DH's idea of going 1st class on train and spending 2 night in hotel is feasible assuming no complications with either you or the baby. BUT that still assumes that they would have to let you have your baby with you all the time so you can feed as necessary and retire to your room to recover. No one is going to be upset that their 2 year old couldn't come when your 10 day did. Close family and new borns are not under the normal category of children at child free weddings.

Good luck with your baby!

jnot wanting to freak you out or anything but my milk came in late and dd was still feeding every 45 min at day 10! Would have stuffed up breast feeding completely to be away from her for 12 hours.
YADNBU

I didnt have a C-Section but I wasn't discharged from the ward until day 11, and then still had to go up to the ward twice a day for BP checks... You just dont know what your situation will be

I didnt have a C-Section but I wasn't discharged from the ward until day 11, and then still had to go up to the ward twice a day for BP checks... You just dont know what your situation will be

Plllllleeeeeease don't go. With or without baby. I haven't easy breezy c-sections but the first weeks/months with a baby are unbelievably bewildering and exhausting. I think as a society we really overestimate what women should be expected to do postpartum and I bow to cultures where women stay in bed for 40 days as is so much more sensible.
Get a nice midwife to write a note for you and fax/email it to your brother. I promise you any midwife worth her salt will do this as she will be worried on your behalf. Then you can blame it on the namby pampy midwife.
I beg of you, don't go.

I'm amazed at some people's level of utter stupidity and selfishness Considering doing a journey of that length is brave to say the least, but wanting you to leave your dc at 10 days? Wtf are they thinking?

Have you heard any more from them op?

I really think it's unlikely you could go so far even with the baby 10 days post c/s. 6 hours in the car would be extremely uncomfortable at that stage. Recovering from a c/s is not the same as recovering from other surgery. Your body is starting from a situation where it has been drained by the pg. Your recovery is seriously hampered by dealing with a newborn, especially (I hate to say it) if you are trying to establish BF. You may not have even been signed off by the MW by 10 days. I was still getting daily visits at that point after my c/s with my first. I had picked up an infection in my wound and wasn't in a good way. Even if all is going well that's usually the day you get handed over to the HV. They will almost certainly expect you to be around, not 6 hours away! I'd go so far as to say they'd be pretty shocked. I suggest you discuss this with your MW if you think you might go ahead.

If you go with a baby you will need to stop at least every 2 hours for a good length break to get the baby out of the carseat. It's really not good for them to be in for longer. It affects their oxygen levels. You might find the baby wants feeding more often than that though. Your 6 hour journey will turn into one at least 9 hours if not more.

Frankly I think the whole thing would be a total nightmare with or without the baby. Sorry.

Oh and no way on earth would I ever leave a 10 day old baby of mine. I'd be a complete wreck!

Thinking about it I went to a wedding where there were two new borns of less than two weeks and one was the groom's nephew. They were fantastic and just fed or slept the whole day. That was in London though and both families also lived in London so not such and issue with travel and I'm guessing the mum's probably hadn't had CS either. There were lots of other children at the wedding too so had a lovely family feel. This was before I had kids but I can still remember being very impressed with both groom's SIL and his colleague for being there at all.

Also, who does SIL2B expect you to leave your 10-day old baby with? This is apart from all the other physical aspects you would have to deal with. I think even though you've had other abdominal surgery it won't have prepared you for a CS. A hysterectomy takes much longer recovery time than other abdominal surgery, doesn't it?

I really hope you can make DB and SIL2B see where you're coming from without falling out. It's all very tricky. I can honestly say, having 3DC and 3CSs, that you don't know what you'll feel like after the birth, but 6 hours' travelling is not at all a good idea.

I forgot about the cracked nipples! It's all coming back to me now. My baby was tiny so wasn't able to latch on really comfortably for weeks. Have to say, it felt like torture for quite a while.

By the way, I have never had a CS myself but plenty here have pointed out how painful it is when cars change gear/corner etc. I can imagine it will be just as bad on a train, with all the lurching and swaying about. You don't feel this really when you are OK - but I know when my back is bad it's murder.

Something else to think about!

Don't do it, OP. Put yourselves first. You may not be capable anyway, so I'd tell him how disappointed you are, but having taken advice from your MW, it just isn't feasible.

When they have their first DC, they'll feel mortified!

Just read this to my dh who said,"No, that's not even a dilemna!" and he has no experience of cs. Just thought that travelling 6 hours that soon after birth was bonkers. I hadn't even got to the bit about leaving the baby behind!

Sorry about your parents op and understandable you wanting to be there. But tbh thats sounds even worse now, considering how important it is for you to there your db should be trying to make things easier for you and considering you are the only close relative I would of thought another one ie your baby would be welcome.
Regarding major surgery it really is different from other surgery where you rest, you will get little rest disturbed sleep and constantly lifting. If possible I would try and book your train tickets as last minute as you can and see how you feel.
Good luck for the birth

OP, have you discussed your travel plans with your midwife?

I second the idea of getting someone they know who has children to talk to them, they are being utterly unreasonable.

How many people would expect someone to drive 6 hours, 10 days after having their appendix out.

I had a emcs with DS1 and it was not just the physical recovery from the surgery but the utter exhaustion of looking after a new born. Doing either of these things on their own is hard enough but together it is tough. Its difficult recovering from surgery when you haven't had more than a two-three hours sleep in a block for over a week. You will be knackered, bleeding, in pain from the surgery, in pain from your uterus contracting, working on establishing bf - (there are good bits too!).

It is not possible to leave a 10 day old baby if you want to bf and in any case there is no way you will want to do so. At 10 days old the only person I really wanted to share my sons with was DH.

As you have already had a number of health problems, it is not beyond the bounds of possibility that the hospital will want to keep you in a bit longer to make sure everything is OK.

I understand why you want to go but it really doesn't sound like a good idea.

WhereYouleftIt has suggested the ultimate graceful get out. You have discussed your plans with the midwife and she has told you it would be unwise.
Op you may be a fast healer, positive of mind but I stuggled to get out of bed post cs it's the lifting yourself up, my dd was all topsy turvey and thought night was day, I couldn't drive post surgery, lots of bleeding.

If they do a complete volte face about allowing your pfb to attend you would be wise to bow out of the reading or at least have someone on standby as there is always a chance you or your child may be readmitted (not enough weight gain, infection in your scar)

I don't even think it is a graceful get out, I think the MW would probably (rightly) be horrified at the very idea!

YADNBU - ridiculous! Whatever the case, take heart in the fact that she will cringe & cringe mightily in years to come!

Someday - no kids & little clue, clearly. 10 days post section I was in far too much pain, swelling etc. Feeding was hard enough, expressing was impossible (leaking on the other hand...!).

They should count themselves extremely honoured that you're prepared to go at all!

Don't go. And I feel sorry for your brother!

Also it wouldn't be 12 hours would it, with a 6 hr journey each way - there's a wedding to fit in somewhere too !