About DBro's wedding and 'no children' rule ?

[TippleMacFreddy]

It is very possible that I am being unreasonable. But.....

My eldest brother is getting married, big lavish do, the whole shebang.

His fiancée is alright and I am close to my brother.

The weekend of the wedding me and DH will have a 10 day old DC1. ( I have to have a C-sec)
The wedding is near DBro fiancée's home town which is about 6 hours from where we live.
If it was anyone else we would have made our apologies.
But I am close to my brother and he asked if I would do a reading at ceremony. So we had decided to go.

They had decided that there would be no children invited to the wedding (at night, very big but a very 'grown up')
Me and DBro have had many a long chats about the wedding and such. And I always assumed that the 'no kids' rule didn't include our DC (esp. as me and DBro have talked about how if it wasn't him we wouldn't go)

Anyway we were talking today and it transpired that DC will count in this rule.

I got back to them later saying that unfortunately that means we can't go and explained why.

My DBro is upset.

Tonight I have received an email from his fiancée and 2 texts saying - that I could leave DC behind, that they will be fine, that I should 'put the effort in' as it is their wedding, and he is my brother, that I should be there.

AIBU to think that if they want me there that badly then they will have to accept that DC will be there as well?
And also
AIBU to think that those messages are just plain childish?

oh kitandKit the ops family are going to be there, how are they going to look like chucking their own sister out from the wedding in front of all the family.

just because she has a newborn baby.

It is all or nothing, either they have all three of you or you don't go

I personally don't think the impracticalities or impossibilities are relevant.

Fact is the couple are perfectly entitled to have a child-free wedding but equally have to accept that this may mean some guests are unable or unwilling to attend under those circumstances.

It is of supreme irrelevance whether the OP could technically find some crazy plan that enabled her to attend or not - if they don't want children there and this causes someone with children to have to drop out they have to accept that and end of discussion (between the B&G and guests - not on here obv).

You can demand how you want your your wedding to be, but you can't demand what lengths others must go to in order to attend, if you want them to attend THAT badly then you need to help accomodate that.

What about Bridesilla's parents, Tipple. If they're going all out with the wedding are they doing the traditional "parents of the bride being the hosts" malarkey?

Regardless of who's paying, if the invite comes from her mum and dad then the reply needs to go via them too, and may well be the easiest way to sort this out!

I'd be ringing them to explain the whole situation, your concerns and position and that you are very sorry not to be able to attend in the circumstances. Given her mum (obviously) has had at least Bridezilla at that stage once upon a time, she ought to understand and be able to talk some sense into them.

Egg up the high risk pregnancy bits with your previous surgery too (whether or not your obstetrician thinks you are actually high risk now!)

Tmesis Was that supposed to be Tamesis?

Hooray! You have it. The OP will regret it if she doesn't try.

I think they are complete idiots!

So what if they haven't had any children yet?

Its really not at all difficult to see why "leaving" (with who?) a 10 day old baby who may be breastfed and making 2 x 6 hour car journeys post major abdominal surgery is just no do-able.

I'm amazed you accepted the invitation in the first place.

Are they stupid? Even knowing nothing about having children themselves, they expect you to make a six hour journey ten days after major abdominal surgery, from which you might or might not have complications?

Working on the basis that you're pretty sure you will be able to travel (and don't forget how much stuff you're going to have to take on a train with you)....you should both go and your DH should stay in the hotel with the baby and you can nip in and out to feed.

When people ask where your dh is, you can explain, in a saintly, beatific way. You will be the bigger person. Everyone else at the wedding will be aghast.

i had DS by section (he's now 16 wks), and although i was discharged 3 days after he was on SCBU for 3 weeks. i was doing a half hr journey to and from hosp every day til he came home, which was tiring enough tbh, but since he was tube fed for 2 wks, until we could establish bf (he was 6 wk prem) i had to express milk every 4 hrs to feed to him via the tube. it was bloody hard trying to express at that stage, even though he could only have 1 or 2 feeds off me a day until he got strong enough to feed himself, so i cant imagine how difficult it would be trying to express enough to last him a day while feeding him at the same time iyswim.
taking into account the bleeding (a surprising amount actually, i somewhat naively thought it'd be minimal after cs, but was like the heaviest period ever), and the abdominal soreness i'd say theres no way in hell i could have done a 6 hr drive and spent a whole day at a wedding. was barely out of pj's, and felt dizzy a lot and was constantly wanting to eat. that wouldnt go down well mid ceremony!!!
they are being totally u, you are not. they may get over themselves one day, but until then you do whats best for you and your dc (hope all goes well btw!)

I had 2 emcs.

I'm getting stressed just thinking about the journey you're intending on making, OP.

10 days past CS, with your FIRST baby.
Both you and your DH will need to be INCREDIBLY organised, patient, and able to work as a team, particularly if going by train. You can't miss that train if you've booked seats, so you'll need to ensure your baby doesn't need feeding or cleaning at the time you need to get on the train, which is hard to do with a newborn, even more so if its your first and you're new to parenting and haven't got everything down pat.

Someone drove 3 hours to get to our wedding four days after having a c-section (and brought baby with her, of course. We're not monsters).

It was only 12 years later when I had a cs that I had ANY idea of what that meant. You forget just how little understanding people without children have.

One other thought: is there any other member of either family who can take your brother and fiance aside and explain all this to them? Anyone at all?

Squeaver's plan sounds plausible on paper, but if OPs baby is anything like my first was she will spend the majority of the time in the hotel room and will emerge at some point covered in baby vomit and/or baby poo.

If she is desperate to attend for her own sake and brother won't budge then it is something to consider but I wouldn't recommend doing that just to placate the selfishsons.

YANBU - and you future SIL is being a prize bitch.

It sounds like you and your brother must be particularly close. I'm sorry his wife is being such a tit, hopefully they will come round, and realise their error.

What about your future SIL's mother? have you met her? could she have a word? Or does she have sisters with kids?? (sorry, I might have missed these details on the thread)

A suggestion...

Inform DB and FSIL that you can easily attend their wedding and leave baby. You will travel to them before birth, you, DH, baby and the nanny will stay with them for at least a month and have the baby locally. You can then travel home when you are fully recovered.

Not BU at all. There's absolutely no way I would have left my 10day old for wedding. I would have been a sobbing /milking wreck! However beforehand I might have thought that I could, IYSWIM. Randomly, recently I received an apology from a friend who had thought I was being unreasonable about being anxious leaving DS with someone when we went to a wedding. Her DC is now a year and she'd not been able to leave him with anyone overnight - my point is, apology was welcomed, no one can understand until they are there themselves and having been where you will be shortly don't be surprised if you physically can't leave your DC even if you wanted to. Hope they see some sense and good luck with cs!

If I was 10 days post cs with a newborn, and I was in a nice hotel room, I think I'd be lying on the nice comfy bed to feed, then ... falling asleep. Remember that hormone rush you get when bf just after giving birth? And rushing from room to venue and back again won't be good for your scar or your energy levels - it doesn't sound a lot, but trust me, you'll be exhausted.

I'd had 4 major operations - 2 stomach - before giving birth, but none of them got me like my 1st cs did. As well as having to sit up to feed and twist to pick your baby up and all the getting up to change etc, it's the bloody sleep deprivation that's the real killer

Sorry, didn't explain fully - the hormone rush when bf makes you really drowsy and often sends you to sleep.

It is very obvious that your Brother and SIL have NO idea what it is like to have babies. I am slack mummy of the year and would have cheerfully dumped my kids on any of my carefully chosen babysitters :o, but definitely not 10 days post birth-section or no section.No way Jose.

Tipple, recovering from surgery when you are child-free is not the same as recovering from surgery with a newborn baby who needs you night and day, and when you are (probably) still trying to get used to it all and (possibly) establish breastfeeding. When my DD was 10 days old there was no routine, there wasn't even any night and day for about a month. It was just full on, constant mothering.

I think you are mad to be planning to take this trip even if you could take the baby. Obviously everyone's experience is different, but I wouldn't assume everything will be straightforward and just like now only with a cute little baby in tow. It isn't always like that.

I think you just have to say "I'm really sorry bro but I've spoken to the midwife and she has strongly advised me that I will not be discharged from her care by then, there is a real medical risk to me, and that I should not plan any long trips with the baby, let alone without. Hope you have a fun day".

And ignore your silly SIL2B.

Believe me, you'll be sat at home with your little one on the day of the wedding thinking "Thank goodness we didn't go..."

I imagine you really don't want to fall out with your brother and can try to put this down to groomzilla/nerves/lack of understanding about babies...could you write him a really nice email and just say that on medical advice, you won't be able to travel without the baby but as him and sil2b have so kindly invited you to give a reading and you so want to be there for them, you've managed to get a great sling so your dh can carry the baby under his jacket, will sit beside an exit, and that if the issue is crying he will take him straight outside at the first peep...
obviously this can all be said through metaphorical gritted teeth.....
I imagine contacting your bro's mil2b might inflame things a little
FWIW, I didn't invite nephews and nieces to my wedding (they were all over 5) due to numbers etc....and anyone who had a baby just brought them along and dealt with them as necessary - and never asked if they could bring them which was all fine! What might have been less fine was asking my friend to be bridesmaid with a 3 mo..needless to say since having kids I've apologised a thousand times to her!

Basically it will be a major undertaking if you go with the baby ( Think yes to 4 seats in first class and staying away for 2 nights local to wedding )

Without baby (leaving at home with goodness knows who for 2 days, with expressed BM ??) it's unthinkable. Please don't consider it as even a possible option. HTH !

agree with nearly everybody else, don't go!

my sil arranged her wedding on my due date, and yes, she knew it was my due date.
i ended up with an elcs 10 days before the due/wedding date and the amount of inlaw stress when we said we weren't going was unbelievable.

10 days after my cs i had an infection, a weeping wound, nipples that looked like they had been attacked by a cheese grater and had to left hanging out to let the air get to them as it was too painful to even have a light cotton shirt touch them.
the thought of driving anywhere in that state makes me feel all ill just thinking of it.
and as another poster pointed out, it's not like your previous surgery where you could rest after, you now have to schlep about dealing with a newborns 24/7 demands.