About DBro's wedding and 'no children' rule ?

[TippleMacFreddy]

It is very possible that I am being unreasonable. But.....

My eldest brother is getting married, big lavish do, the whole shebang.

His fiancée is alright and I am close to my brother.

The weekend of the wedding me and DH will have a 10 day old DC1. ( I have to have a C-sec)
The wedding is near DBro fiancée's home town which is about 6 hours from where we live.
If it was anyone else we would have made our apologies.
But I am close to my brother and he asked if I would do a reading at ceremony. So we had decided to go.

They had decided that there would be no children invited to the wedding (at night, very big but a very 'grown up')
Me and DBro have had many a long chats about the wedding and such. And I always assumed that the 'no kids' rule didn't include our DC (esp. as me and DBro have talked about how if it wasn't him we wouldn't go)

Anyway we were talking today and it transpired that DC will count in this rule.

I got back to them later saying that unfortunately that means we can't go and explained why.

My DBro is upset.

Tonight I have received an email from his fiancée and 2 texts saying - that I could leave DC behind, that they will be fine, that I should 'put the effort in' as it is their wedding, and he is my brother, that I should be there.

AIBU to think that if they want me there that badly then they will have to accept that DC will be there as well?
And also
AIBU to think that those messages are just plain childish?

Has anyone mentioned public transport instead of a 6-hour journey by car yet? Train service? Bigger seats, room to move around, cups of tea etc. A decently sized toilet.

I have only read up to maypoles post and am in SHOCK. Can you not read? It is pretty much impossible at 10 days post birth to express enough milk for a whole day, plus bottle feeding could lead to nipple confusion and mean the end of breast feeding. Even if you weren't breast feeding who wants to leave their 10 day old baby and travel withouht their OH 10 days after a major OP! Maypole you most not be a parent.

I'm beginning to think actually that not going, but without any big drama, just a sincere and gentle expression of regret, with a brief reminder of the completely understandable mitigating circumstances ( 10 days post C/S, newborn baby, hoping to breastfeed, very long journey ) might be best.

No need to fall out over it in any way, it's just unfortunate timing.
(Perhaps DBro could have thought about that at an earlier stage, but it can't be helped now )
Two happy events for the family - it's just a little unfortunate that they clash !

Would the brother and prorective sister-in-law change the date for you to, say, 6 months hence?

*prospective

Apologies that I've not had time to read the whole thread. Are the only options

1. Leave baby at home (not feasible)
2. Bring baby who accompanies parents all day (breaks wedding rules)

Why can't the baby come along but be cared for in a side room/nearby by a nanny/childminder/rotation of relatives including OP and her DP so that whilst not attending the wedding baby is near enough for regular feeding and comfort from parents? I've been to a few weddings where friends have made arrangements like this and it seemed to work well - admittedly it's hard work for the parents but isn't doing anything with a 10 day old?

did the op ever come back

What are the ages of the other children

Maybe they only want the newborn there and not the other two?

Because to get the baby there involves a hugely long car drive, which puts the OP at risk of scar rupture/DVT/dripping of blood/milk and the baby of breathing problems. And that's the short answer.

herethereandeverywhere

You're right. Everything one does with a 10 day old is hard work so if OP really wants to go, it just needs some planning. Timetable of when to leave home (the day before perhaps and stop for B&B), morning feeds and everything else that has to be done, like leave wedding reception to go home or to a B&B.

I don't see why the OP should try and attend and do the "leave the baby in a side room/with a nanny" etc What Nanny? She would have to seek one out, interview her, get references and pay her. Why should she?

Weddings run to a strict schedule. Why should the OP get stressed out hoping the baby doesn't need feeding during speeches/her reading/the vows? Why should she risk her health for a twelve hour round trip? Why should she think about public transport?

The baby is number one and that is the only schedule OP should be trying to keep at ten DAYS old, not weeks as some posters have mistakenly said. This baby will be brand new.

Gumby What other children? The OP says that it will be DC1, there aren't any other children.

My friend had a CS 2 weeks ago and has only just got out of hospital due to complications so the OP might still be in hosptial anyway.

I think a few more recent posters have looked the c section the op is definitely having. It would be nuts to make such a journey let alone the rest of it.

Poor you, what a horrible position to be in. I would be devastated to miss my brother's wedding, almost to the point of never getting over it. But equally to travel so far with or without your new baby is a huge pressure in so many ways. And to think you would or could leave a 10 day old baby...man they are going to be so ashamed of themselves in years to come.

I hope you don't fall out over this, I would be so angry at my brother for even suggesting this!

Sorry ladies - was called into work at 5.

I'm defiantly not SIL2B.

Our parents are no longer living, we have no other siblings or grandparents. Which is one of the main reasons I really wanted to go (DBro was my guardian from when I was 13)

And yes planning to BF

DH was debating us going by train (first class, get 4 seats)
Must admit to being a bit blasé about surgery (i have had a kidney transplant, abdominal surgery and spinal surgery) re. Pain, recovery time, doing other things etc.

We were planning to spend 2 nights in a hotel up there.

And no they don't have children.

Thank you all for your replies am so relieved

I haven't had a baby yet but I dread to think of the idea of travelling on a train whilst bleeding heavily from the vagina. It's bad enough using those tiny little toilets to deal with periods, let alone deal with bigger personal hygiene issues.
Regardless of the baby, you shouldn't even contemplate this trip. You will only be 5 days or so home from the hospital the day before the wedding when you have to make the journey. I very much doubt any medical professional dealing with you would advise you to make such a long journey. 5 days after a c-section surely you should be alternating between bed and sofa? Even if they change their mind about having the baby there, it still won't be the best thing for you.

Glad you're back OP - but still, even though you have an impressive inventory of surgeries there yourself, you have no idea what will be going on with your baby afterwards (or yourself - every surgery is different - have you had a CS before?)

I can see why you'd want to try to get there but you will have to tell your DB that it's an "all or nothing" scenario, no way round it. Either you all go or none of you do, and there's no guarantee that any of you will make it because of unforeseeable factors.

DS would not have wanted to be apart from me for more than a few minutes at that age, nor I from him.

Explain to your brother what is involved with c sections and newborn babies, if you're close he will understand. Don't discuss it with fiancee, she's an idiot.

I would just turn up with the baby, what can they do chuck you out! If they really wanted you there they would bend over backwards for you!

Has SIL2B got any friends with children? Tell her to ask them what they think.

Ahhh no children, just you wait if they have them, then they will realise what idiots they are being.

Er yes, they can chuck you out! Why would you want to make a wasted journey on busy public transport to the venue and then get turned away at the gate?
And no, they don't really want you there anyway. You are just one of the plebs that they feel obliged to sell tickets to. Really they are interested in the big corporate businesses and sponsors and so on. Not ordinary people.

The thing with a c-section vs. other surgery... I haven't had the other surgery but from talking to people who have I get the impression that you get to stay in bed and rest for a while. Whereas after a c-section (depending on your hospital) you get "Right, you lie in the bed there and we'll put the five kilo weight baby in the cot there. Every time he cries you need to get out of bed, pick him up, feed him, put him back in the cot and get back into bed. And he'll be doing that every couple of hours. No, your DH can't stay overnight to help with that. Yes, there is a call button, but TBH we're very busy and I wouldn't rely on anyone coming to help you, you'll just have to get on with it."

But, yes, you are probably far better equipped to know how you'll feel after surgery than someone who hasn't had your medical history. And if you can manage first class train travel and there's a suitable route then attending with your baby might be a practical option (although your brother ought to be massively grateful that you're prepared to do that, not adding in extra conditions).

Then make themselves look like fools and idiots to the rest of the family.

Ha ha sorry I thought I was posting on the olympic babies thread!! I'm sure your brother hasn't sold his wedding to corporate sponsors!

OP would this be the first opportunity your brother has had to see your baby? I know he's getting married and everything but why would he not want to see your first child who he hasn't even met before? Especially as he was your guardian.

In terms of life events, brand new baby trumps wedding day IMO.