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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DBro's wedding and 'no children' rule ?

582 replies

TippleMacFreddy · 24/01/2012 23:22

It is very possible that I am being unreasonable. But.....

My eldest brother is getting married, big lavish do, the whole shebang.

His fiancée is alright and I am close to my brother.

The weekend of the wedding me and DH will have a 10 day old DC1. ( I have to have a C-sec)
The wedding is near DBro fiancée's home town which is about 6 hours from where we live.
If it was anyone else we would have made our apologies.
But I am close to my brother and he asked if I would do a reading at ceremony. So we had decided to go.

They had decided that there would be no children invited to the wedding (at night, very big but a very 'grown up')
Me and DBro have had many a long chats about the wedding and such. And I always assumed that the 'no kids' rule didn't include our DC (esp. as me and DBro have talked about how if it wasn't him we wouldn't go)

Anyway we were talking today and it transpired that DC will count in this rule.

I got back to them later saying that unfortunately that means we can't go and explained why.

My DBro is upset.

Tonight I have received an email from his fiancée and 2 texts saying - that I could leave DC behind, that they will be fine, that I should 'put the effort in' as it is their wedding, and he is my brother, that I should be there.

AIBU to think that if they want me there that badly then they will have to accept that DC will be there as well?
And also
AIBU to think that those messages are just plain childish?

OP posts:
bobblehat · 25/01/2012 11:29

I went to a 'no children' wedding recently. When we got there there were children - that is the children of the bride and groom and their nieces an nephews, and a couple of tiny babies. Dh and I had a fantastic time because we weren't entertaining ours. did we object - of course not. We were thrilled that my friend wanted to include us in her day and because we are adults we understood that there will always be exceptions to every rule.

I went to another wedding a few years ago when ds2 was about 4 months old. The wedding was in a big hotel and it was an exceptionally child friendly do - pretty much everyone there had children and the bride and groom had even gone to the trouble of hiring a mobile creche so that people could dumpleave their children and have meal in peace. It was still very difficult with a small baby. I didn't have a cs but I can't imagine sitting in a car for 6 hours with a seatbelt over a major abdominal scar would be either very comfortable or advisable.

I would second what others have said on here and have a word with your midwife who will probably advise against it on medical grounds. That way, the decision is taken out of your hands.

Enjoy your new baby!

Ephiny · 25/01/2012 11:31

I wouldn't go, regardless of the children rule, a 6 hour drive post C-section, with a 10-week old baby doesn't sound like much fun to me. Yes it would be a shame to miss your own brother's wedding, but that's just how things turn out sometimes. If your brother and his wife ever have children of their own (I'm assuming they don't at the moment), I'm sure they'll understand!

You were a little bit unreasonable to assume the 'no children' thing wouldn't apply to your precious darlings though! No children means no children.

YankNCock · 25/01/2012 11:33

Just to clarify, I had what I consider to be a 'good' recovery from an EMCS. I was out of hospital 48 hours after the birth. I never got 'baby blues'. DS fed pretty well. I managed a trip to buy breastfeeding bras (DH driving) at 5 days, and then a pub lunch at 7 days. Both journeys were about 15 minutes and I was absolutely shattered afterwards.

But as I said before, a 4 hour drive (took more like 7 due to stops and feeding and nappy changes) at 10 days post-CS was horrible and I wish we hadn't done it. It's one thing to potter around in your own environment, half-dressed, seldom-showered, doing nothing but feeding a newborn and demanding snacks from your DH. Quite another to go hours away from home, stay overnight, and be in any shape to attend an evening event.

pranma · 25/01/2012 11:39

Could you suggest that they adapt the no children rule to say no children over the age of 14 days? Otherwise maybe the baby's father could stay out with the baby while you do the reading. Maybe not-12 hours driving for that seems excessive. I'd say either they compromise or you don't go.

Pandemoniaa · 25/01/2012 11:41

I had easy deliveries of both dcs. No sections. But at 10 days old we were all still existing in a milky haze of glorious disorganisation. Most days were spent getting to know the new baby who, in both cases, was pretty much permanently attached to my boobs.

When ds1 was 6 weeks old I recall making a 500 mile round trip on the train to see ex-dh's younger brother graduate. This seemed like a good idea at the time. In reality, I spent most of the time finding sensible places to feed and dealing with explosive nappies. But if ds1 had been 10 days old we'd have sent apologies. Not least because we'd never have got out of the house in time to catch a train.

As others have said, a c-section is a major abdominal operation. This doesn't mean the aftermath will be anything but straightforward. However, you are discharged from hospital with specific instructions about rest and carrying anything heavier than your baby. I cannot imagine any doctor or midwife thinking that two 6-hour car journeys and a day at a wedding far from home would be appropriate at what could well be as little as 6/7 days after discharge.

So yes, STBSIL is being selfish and unreasonable. And childless, of course.

kelly2000 · 25/01/2012 11:47

if the c-section allows why don't you go, and leave DH in hotel room with baby during ceremony, and then take it in turns looking after her the rest of the time.

letseatgrandma · 25/01/2012 11:48

Reply to the email and say you really want to come, but the midwife has strongly advised that you shouldn't. The journey alone will be a nightmare, but asking you to leave the baby is very inconsiderate. Who do they think you'll lave the baby with!? Presumably all your family will be there!

Bathsheba · 25/01/2012 11:50

We had the biggest argument of our whole marriage 10 days after my 3rd C-Section.

My DH had got it into his head that his 95 year old grannie was "immanently dying" and we HAD to go and visit her immediately - all of us - him, me, our 2 elder DDs and our 10 day old.

I absolutely refused. It was a 100 mile round trip and I was in agony every time my DH changed gear because the car made that slioght "jerk" that it does. I couldn't stand up easily, I was in agony and on a huge amount of painkillers (it was my 3rd section, I'm not young and I was sterilised at the same time which adds to recovery time).

He honestly could not understand that this was impossible for me and did accuse me of being a complete drama queen and exaggerating.

We didn;t go. He didn;t speak to me all day. Until at 11pm that night he woke me up as my 10 day old was choking and needed to be blue lighted to hospital.

His Grannie did indeed pass away, but many months later having suitably seen everyone.

CaroleService · 25/01/2012 11:54

It is truly bad for such a small baby to be in a car seat for hours and hours. It compromises their breathing. So the 6 hr journey would have to involve several stops to allow baby to stretch out and rest properly.

sausagesandmarmelade · 25/01/2012 11:55

If couples decide to have a 'no kids' rule for their wedding, then they have to accept that not everyone will be able to come.

ExitPursuedByaBear · 25/01/2012 11:55

Marking my place for when the OP returns

ArseWormsWithoutSatNav · 25/01/2012 12:00

Good point carole, extended time in car seats is dangerous for babies because of the way they are sitting. Hadn't even thought of that myself. That surely will be enough reason for the self involved weddingzillas your brother and SIL.

ifeelloved · 25/01/2012 12:03

No update from OP then

JsOtherHalf · 25/01/2012 12:07

The descriptions of the CS recoveries are bringing back memories...lol. I think I had a reasonably straightforward recovery, being off painkillers during the day by 10 days, and overnight at about 14 days. However, DS had been readmitted overnight twice by then due to weight loss, having been discharged originally at 2 days old.

A close relative came on the train to visit me with her 5 day old daughter - 4 hour journey. It wasn't my idea, but she looked grey when she arrived. I would not suggest any long journeys for new mums regardless of how the baby arrived.

JugglingWithSnowballs · 25/01/2012 12:08

I would explain to DBro that you feel it's fine to have a "no kids" rule for their wedding but you really feel an exception should be made for a 10 day old newborn (of his sister) and you think everyone going will understand this. Sometimes people get a bit carried away with their "rules" - maybe that's happened especially with DBro's fiancee ?
Just explain that much as you would love to be there you unfortunately won't be able to be there without your (very new) baby.
I would think it should be possible to talk them through this and get a good result that everyone is fairly happy with in practice.
But at the end of the day YADNBU, and it's his choice. You+baby or you all stay at home.
Good luck with this, and all the best for the birth x

EirikurNoromaour · 25/01/2012 12:09

YANBU they are bloody idiots.

WilsonFrickett · 25/01/2012 12:13

I have to come back and say I had a great recovery from my CS and was up and about and on my feet as soon as I got discharged from hospital. The only things I had problems with were bumping the pram up and down kerbs, hoisting the washing up on the pulley (down and up motions) and sitting in the car. It took about 2/3 months before I was comfy in the car again - as someone else said that wee 'jerk' when you change gears was really painful, as was cornering. And there are a lot of cobbles round my way....

MrsMcEnroe · 25/01/2012 12:13

YANBU for all the reasons given above. Tbh, even if you were having a vaginal delivery and were planning to bottle feed, it would still be a HUGE ask.

Am I the only one who wonders if the OP is having her C-section today and that's why she hasn't returned? Wink

If so - good luck OP!

heliumballoon · 25/01/2012 12:14

Dear brother and barmy STB SIL
thank you for inviting me to your wedding. I would love to come but have spoken to my hospital consultant who has strongly advised against travel so soon after major abdominal surgery. In her professional opinion, I will be at risk of and so cannot travel. Thank you in advance for your understanding.
Please find enclosed a CD of the reading I promised to do.
I am so sad to miss your wedding and look forward to celebrating with you after the event.
Lots of love
OP

Haagendazs · 25/01/2012 12:14

YA Definitely NBU!!

You cannot leave a newborn for anywhere near that amount of time and shouldn't be expected to!!
I've not read the whole thread but can you not get another family member to have a quiet word with your brother?

Haagendazs · 25/01/2012 12:14

Or failing that, show your bro this thread!

Byeckerslike · 25/01/2012 12:23

Excellent helium, ^^ what she said! :)

JugglingWithSnowballs · 25/01/2012 12:31

Personally I'd go a bit more gently, as OP probably doesn't want to upset DBro and STBSIL over plans for their wedding day, even though they have been a bit dim / lacking in understanding.

I'd just send a warm reply that you would have liked to be there but don't know whether you will be up to making the long journey anyway 10 days after having your baby by C/S, and don't feel baby will be settled enough or old enough to leave with someone else for a whole day, especially as you are hoping to breastfeed. (anyway if you did go wouldn't you want to consider staying locally overnight so that you'd be able to make the return journey the next day after some rest ?)

Basically I'd approach it that they need a little gentle education on the realities of birth and life with a newborn Smile

YouOldSlag · 25/01/2012 12:32

You were a little bit unreasonable to assume the 'no children' thing wouldn't apply to your precious darlings though! No children means no children.

How about the bride and groom being a little bit unreasonable trying to separate a 10 day old from his/her mother?

Also "f the c-section allows why don't you go, and leave DH in hotel room with baby during ceremony, and then take it in turns looking after her the rest of the time." Because it's a six hour drive each way (not counting feeding/changing stops) and that's too much to ask of a woman who is recovering from major surgery. There is a higher risk of DVT, not to mention it's bad for a newborn to be in a car seat too long.

Also, at ten days post section, I didn't like to leave the house for too long for fear of bleeding on my clothes. There was a LOT of lochia.

JugglingWithSnowballs · 25/01/2012 12:34

Actually they are quite nuts to expect this aren't they? - so I do see where other posters are coming from !